Sneaking suspicion

[Allmessedup]

So I haven't been on here for a long time so some back story first... .

My dxBPDgf and I have been together for five years now.  Last January we had a huge split and I was nc for 3 months.   Before that we had recycled many times over.   Since april we have been back together and things have gone very very well.   No recycles.  No major issues.  Boundaries in place.   

She has been thru intensive therapy for BPD in her teens ( 51 now) and we have been able to discuss and utilize her coping skills as well as the ones I have learned here.  Its been very very good to be honest.  I was thinking we were a success story.

Soo. I have this weird feeling that things are on a down slide.  I am not certain why exactly and can't figure out if it is real or just me being paranoid as last year at this time things went downhill very fast.

We are celebrating Christmas this week due to other family obligations... .so I know that's stressful on her.  Her kids are home from college too which is also stressful as she dotes on them but physically has a lot of issues that makes that difficult.

Things have always gone poorly at Christmas because of this and this year we brainstormed together how to lessen the stress.   Ie using paper products, preparing meals ahead, making sure all the gifts were taken care of early etc.

But I keep seeing little things that are warning signs to me.

She spent the morning going thru old emails from her FOO that are toxic as hell and they no longer have any contact.  But yet she claims she is "good" and although rattled centered herself quickly.  But I am hearing forced cheerfulness honestly.

She then proceeded to spend the entire day exhausting herself baking for several hours because she was "bored".   (This never happens! And the whole reason we cooked ahead of time was so she could save her energy)

She told me yesterday she was filled with anxiousness about the Christmas season and me becoming unsettled dealing with my own FOO.   Which did happen but rather briefly.

Her sleep cycle is whacky.  Wanting to sleep at 8 pm and waking in the wee hours of the morning.

She is just off.   Just closed. 

Now I have been less available than I normally am because of my own FOO celebrations.  And we haven't had a great deal of time to chat as her children demand a ton of attention... .or perhaps more correctly would be to say she can't handle not giving them her attention.

My question for you all is how exactly should I handle this?   My family is now gone so I have plenty of time for her and connecting back on a normal level without the craziness of my FOO.  I keep validating and working on SET.  But I am concerned we are heading for a bad cycle here as well.

I am looking for encouragement in how to not make that a self fufilling prophecy.  Christmas for us is on New Year's Eve and traditionally that never seems to go well. 

I just see a lot of anxiousness and stress and would like to be preemptive in supporting her thru that

Thanks!

Amu

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[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Allmessedup & welcome back 

Have things gotten any easier for the two of you?

Is your girlfriend still agitating, or has it passed at all?

I've found that my past experiences with my Husband (pre-finding this site and learning the communication tools & techniques) have left me with a bit of minor PTSD... .In the past, when I didn't know how to deal with them properly, he would dysregulate more often, and the event would last way longer, than now. In fact, he really rarely has an episode anymore, and if he does, it passes really quickly. Because I've learned how to not fuel the fires, so to speak.

But, this minor PTSD I have from the past makes my ears perk up at the slightest hint of an episode occurring, and I'm on the alert to be ready to react... .I actually arm myself for such things unnecessarily--the "event" passes without even happening these days! I've learned to step back just a bit, not react as if there will be a dysregulation, and life goes on pretty smoothly for the most part. I'm hoping you are finding that too?

You might want to give yourself a Validation, S.E.T., Empathy refresher maybe, by checking out the links to the right-hand side of this page; especially The Lessons... .Maybe you can head a major dysregulation episode off at the pass? Or maybe it has already simmered down?

Let us know how your week is going, and how your get-together goes... .

[SlyQQ]

with BPD listen to your instincts even whispers

[Allmessedup]

Thanks for replying rapt reader and slyQq

I did some introspection after writing that post and yes there are definately some triggers there for me from past experience!  I got myself centered and went into the celebration as positively as I could.   All in all it went better than it has in the past years by far!

Last night was lovely up until right before bed I caught her in a silly lie and proceeded to tease her about it... .it was a simple white lie in that I asked where the stocking was that I bought her and she said she had no clue.  However her child said she had it in her closet... .she had filled it with my gifts.   To me it was not a big deal and I was just teasing her about it as I found it funny.  It seemed like normal christmas sneakiness really.  She was upset though, She immediately went and got another stocking from out in the cold even though I insisted I didn't need one at all!  She was agitated about it and quite agitated with her child for telling me.  She said "my child completely failed me tonight".   I tried reassuring her to not much avail so I simply let it go as she could not be reassured.

We went to sleep and today didn't go nearly as well.  Things felt much more forced. First thing this morning  She accused me of judging her in sonetimes innocent remarks about helping with breakfast and the kids being loud so early when they usually sleep till 2 pm.  Just joking as that is so far from their norm.   So I took a deep breath, told her I was sorry and that I could see how she would take them that way and I was sorry for that.  She was definately off today.  But she held it together outwardly.

She was trying just too hard today if that makes any sense?   Her son had my last kcup for example,   I went to make a second cup of coffee and there was none.  She tried to beg her son to give me one of the k cups he recieved from us for Christmas even though I repeatedly assured her it was not a big deal at all.   Just thst sort of thing.

Trying way too hard to please me just made things feel awkward

Minor yes... .and a huge improvement but still evident.

She did manage to admit that she was over tired and needed some alone time so I was quite happy to let her have that space to regroup.  We chatted briefly much later  tonight and she seemed somewhat better so I am hoping this blows over.


Her kids are home from college for the next few weeks still and she most definately has a huge single focus thing going on.  So that is hard for me sometimes to take and I realize that is very much an issue for me to work on.

The kids add a ton of stress for her as she coddles them hugely however they also bring her a great deal of joy and she gets a sense of pride there.  Tonight we chatted a great deal about how they are becoming wonderful adults and she was admitting to being proud of how he raised them.   I focused on that and for her to admit she did well was a good thing for her:).  We would not have had that last year by far.

My breath is still held as I can still sense the underlying anxiety and agitation, but she seems to have control of it for now and no interest in sharing it quite yet.  Which is ok as hopefully en we can discuss it when she is more centered herself.

For me I shall keep busy and remember that this single focus is one of the things I love about her.   She is fantastic about being listening and supportive when it is directed at me.   However when her kids come home and I am not as visible we very much get the object impermenance going on,  not taking that personal is my challenge!.

All in all it went better than expected.  And my hope is the dysregulation is ebbing as long as I use my knowledge and skills not to make it worse!

In a few months we will be back together a year.  We have come a hugely long way since then. 

She is improving as she is utilizing her skills... .I am improving as I am utilizing mine.  It's not perfect but it's progress:)