It hurts all the more when love shines through...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's funny. You go through an entire relationship knowing there's a problem, yet never discover what it is. Then I stumble across some information on BPD and all the pieces fall into place. Like a T, my ex displayed every trait. Even I displayed the obvious traits of the easy victim enabler. The knight in shining armor (or rusty armor as she'd put it).

Though unlike most stories I've read of others' tragic affairs with BPD, I feel my ex was a bit different in that there were times when I truly felt her genuine love shine through. There were times when she would be verbally/mentally torturing me and actually realize what she was doing. I could see it in her eyes. The pain of realizing how much she was hurting me. On more than one occasion she would come to me after the fact, crying and saying how sorry she was and how she doesn't know why she gets so worked up and abusive.

It's so sad seeing someone you love being broken down by a problem neither of you can identify. A problem which breaks you down even more in the process... .


Here's a summary of our relationship.

We got together in December of 2012. I was 20, she was 18. From the beginning I knew something wasn't quite right. The idealization was intense, often making me uncomfortable as I could sense her juvenile perception of our relationship. There were times when I felt more like a prize than a partner.

I was pretty much her first for everything. She didn't even know how to make out until she met me. Though once I activated her dormant sexuality, boy did she ever turn out to be quite the pleaser (as is common with BPDs... .).

Not long into the relationship her unrealistic expectations started to show. Marriage and kids came up rather quickly. Hopeful ideas of the future before I could even guage how much this girl meant to me. She'd often question my commitment to her as well.

Though despite all that, it was her true colors which occasionally shone through that won me over. over time I grew to love her very deeply. She could be very nurturing and helpful. She'd clean my place, do my dishes, nurse me when I was sick. She would do anything for me.

For the most part, the first 6-7 months were great. It's when I went away for military training in July when things started to take a turn for the worse. I got injured early on course which eventually led to me being sent home. I became depressed and started drinking/smoking weed a lot. I'd hang out with my friends more and start to neglect her. Through my negligence I corrupted her. It was that corruption that truly brought out her BPD. She never smoked or drank much at all before me, but it was around September/October of that year when she started to. No thanks to the negative example I set.

She became more needy and insecure. She would complain of back aches and headaches. She even went in to get evaluated a few times. She thought she was bipolar. I would always say "You're fine, you can get through this, it's all in your head"... .If only I knew then what I know now.

After enough pain and misery, I finally cut things off. We broke up for the first time in January/February 2014. At first she was devastated. Crying and calling, begging me to reconsider. At this point I was so fed up that I was simply indifferent towards her and told her this is what I wanted. It wasn't long before the tables would turn. She became cold and bitter, cutting off all contact. She even found a new guy to play around with. Though after about a month or so she returned, admitting the other guy was just a distraction and that she loved me very much. We decided to try again, only to fall into the same old cycle as before. We broke up for the second time in July. We were staying with my mom for a couple months, which brought a whole new set of tribulations. After a heated/pointless argument, I told her to just leave. I only meant for her to leave me alone, but in true BPD fashion she took that as a sign to move out completely, and because I was so worked up I didn't bother trying to chase her. As before, she found yet another guy to cushion her fall. About a month after the breakup she drives an hour to spend a weekend with him. We were in LC at this point. On her way down we argued on the phone, leaving her in tears. When she returned, she came to see me. With tears in her eyes she broke down and told me that she got drunk/high and ended up sleeping with the guy. She told me she stopped him not long after they started. She couldn't continue, wishing it was me instead. Though I was deeply hurt, I forgave her. I think that was when she started to move onto the final "Hater" stage.

We moved into an apartment together in September, which is when she completely slipped off the deep end. She was chain smoking weed nonstop, going out every night with her friends. When she wasn't out with her friends or passed out on the bed she was pestering me for every little thing. It usually always stemmed from the fact that I didn't show her love often enough. Though its hard to appreciate someone who forces you to carry all the weight of the relationship, including the full cost of rent (which she agreed to pay half of yet never provided a cent). Eventually after enough neglect, she started to move towards the first guy that showed her what she wanted from me. I found their conversation one night after coming home from work, her passed out on the bed. They had been chatting for a couple weeks. Nothing raunchy, mostly her saying that she loves me and that she didn't think we were going to make it, and that maybe this guy would be better for her. It was enough to make me call it quits. I left her a note saying I'd be gone for a few days and that when I returned I expected her gone too... .

I went to my moms place, and by the time I put my head down to sleep it was around 4:30 am. Suddenly I heard *Whack* *Whack* on the side of the house. I opened the window to find her standing outside throwing rocks at the house. She was bawling and crying, begging me to talk to her. She told me how sorry she was, and how this guy meant nothing to her. She said she was just sad and lonely. She promised me she would change and put in more of an effort. Reluctantly I gave her another chance. She was fine for the first few days, cooking, cleaning, actually trying. Though after a few days she went right back to smoking/going out every night. After another week I finally had enough and told her she needed to find a new place to live. At this point she became very cold and distant. When she said "I love you", it lacked any honesty.

One night I returned home from work late to find a message from her on FB. She said she was out with her brother and some friends, and that she wouldn't be home that night. Strongly suspicious, I checked her anonymous twitter account, and low and behold she found yet another guy. Posts saying " I think I've met my match" and text screen captures saying "meet me down by the river princess" littered her feed. She also mentioned that I was kicking her out and that she was moving in with this new guy. I packed all of her stuff that night.

We had a bitter fight the next day when she returned, though it wasn't nearly as heated as usual. I could tell how much she had distanced herself from our relationship emotionally. She quickly grabbed a few essentials and took off. She showed up a week or so later with the new guy to pick up more stuff. She looked like crap, like she wasn't taking care of herself. At this point she was completely cold, devoid of any emotion towards me. I found out a few days later that she had moved in with this guy at his grandparents place an hour away... .She also changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" ONE DAY after we broke up (she deleted the notification on her timeline, likely out of guilt or embarrassment). I sent her a message calling her out on it, then deleted her. She responded by blocking me and deleting any mutual friends we shared... .

I proceeded to torture myself  by obsessivly reading her anon twitter posts which she knew I'd be reading. Posts about how happy she was were abundant, even a couple spiteful posts about their sex life... .

About a week later I dropped a couple things off at her parent's place. Her mom invited me in and asked me to tell her my side. She wasn't too pleased with her daughter... .

The next day the ex showed up at my place, alone this time. She said she wanted to check to see if there was anything she left, but I knew it was just an excuse to see me. She insisted she didn't cheat, and that she didn't do anything with the guy before the break. She was upset that I told her parents what was happening. After she found a few things of hers we made our way to the door. At this point I could see she was fighting back tears, and in a last desperate attempt to one-up me she said unconvincingly, "I think I love him". I said, "Oh yeah? Well have a great life" and held the door open for her. She quickly sped off, mumbling something about being kicked out again. Haven't seen her for about a month and a half. The breakup was on Oct.21.

About a month in I caved and left a letter for her at her parents place as it was the only way I could contact her (she stopped paying her cellphone bill too). I received a message from her rebound that night, basically telling me to back off or else. I told him he knows where I live and to show his permafried ass to me (all they do is smoke non-stop and watch Netflix). He blocked me and never responded... .

A few weeks after, I sent her another letter. This time leaving it at her work as I hoped she'd read it there and not tell the rebound as I don't want to create any more drama (still haven't heard from him... .). I received a call from the ex the next day. She told me to stop sending letters and stop showing up at her parents place. She told me she never even opened my letters, and that she was furious as she thinks I went to her parents and basically told them she was a ___... .She was at work and apparently her boss was walking up because she said he was coming then abruptly hung up in my ear. This happened on Dec.6th. haven't heard from her since.

I went to her parents one last time about two weeks ago as the exs' insurance company called me saying she made a claim on Dec.10. I also told them about the phone call and how she thought I trash talked her to them. They said they hadn't spoken to her in about a month. I asked them to just be there for her as she's going through a pretty difficult time. Her dad said he drives by my apartment once in a while, hoping he'll see her car in my driveway again... .

She stopped posting on twitter about a month ago, except for a few mundane posts last week. I think she's doing it because she doesn't want me to know what's happening in her life as I'm sure it's pretty uneventful.


I love her, and I want her back. I know what the problem is now. I know her BPD is what tore us apart and if she realized that I think we could start our relationship off on the right foot. We both knew there was something wrong with her, but we couldn't work on it because we didn't know exactly what it was. Now I do. I hope she comes around and realizes this guy is an insensitive jerk. Though I won't hold my breath. From here on out it's strict NC.


Any feedback or insight is appreciated. Based on your past BPD experiences, do you think she'll return? Or will I remain painted black forever? If she does, what can I expect? What would be the best way to confront her about BPD if she does? Im new to all this so any help is appreciated.


Thanks

[Ghostwalker]

It's funny. You go through an entire relationship knowing there's a problem, yet never discover what it is. Then I stumble across some information on BPD and all the pieces fall into place. Like a T, my ex displayed every trait. Even I displayed the obvious traits of the easy victim enabler. The knight in shining armor (or rusty armor as she'd put it).

Though unlike most stories I've read of others' tragic affairs with BPD, I feel my ex was a bit different in that there were times when I truly felt her genuine love shine through. There were times when she would be verbally/mentally torturing me and actually realize what she was doing. I could see it in her eyes. The pain of realizing how much she was hurting me. On more than one occasion she would come to me after the fact, crying and saying how sorry she was and how she doesn't know why she gets so worked up and abusive.

It's so sad seeing someone you love being broken down by a problem neither of you can identify. A problem which breaks you down even more in the process... .


Here's a summary of our relationship.

We got together in December of 2012. I was 20, she was 18. From the beginning I knew something wasn't quite right. The idealization was intense, often making me uncomfortable as I could sense her juvenile perception of our relationship. There were times when I felt more like a prize than a partner.

I was pretty much her first for everything. She didn't even know how to make out until she met me. Though once I activated her dormant sexuality, boy did she ever turn out to be quite the pleaser (as is common with BPDs... .).

Not long into the relationship her unrealistic expectations started to show. Marriage and kids came up rather quickly. Hopeful ideas of the future before I could even guage how much this girl meant to me. She'd often question my commitment to her as well.

Though despite all that, it was her true colors which occasionally shone through that won me over. over time I grew to love her very deeply. She could be very nurturing and helpful. She'd clean my place, do my dishes, nurse me when I was sick. She would do anything for me.

For the most part, the first 6-7 months were great. It's when I went away for military training in July when things started to take a turn for the worse. I got injured early on course which eventually led to me being sent home. I became depressed and started drinking/smoking weed a lot. I'd hang out with my friends more and start to neglect her. Through my negligence I corrupted her. It was that corruption that truly brought out her BPD. She never smoked or drank much at all before me, but it was around September/October of that year when she started to. No thanks to the negative example I set.

She became more needy and insecure. She would complain of back aches and headaches. She even went in to get evaluated a few times. She thought she was bipolar. I would always say "You're fine, you can get through this, it's all in your head"... .If only I knew then what I know now.

After enough pain and misery, I finally cut things off. We broke up for the first time in January/February 2014. At first she was devastated. Crying and calling, begging me to reconsider. At this point I was so fed up that I was simply indifferent towards her and told her this is what I wanted. It wasn't long before the tables would turn. She became cold and bitter, cutting off all contact. She even found a new guy to play around with. Though after about a month or so she returned, admitting the other guy was just a distraction and that she loved me very much. We decided to try again, only to fall into the same old cycle as before. We broke up for the second time in July. We were staying with my mom for a couple months, which brought a whole new set of tribulations. After a heated/pointless argument, I told her to just leave. I only meant for her to leave me alone, but in true BPD fashion she took that as a sign to move out completely, and because I was so worked up I didn't bother trying to chase her. As before, she found yet another guy to cushion her fall. About a month after the breakup she drives an hour to spend a weekend with him. We were in LC at this point. On her way down we argued on the phone, leaving her in tears. When she returned, she came to see me. With tears in her eyes she broke down and told me that she got drunk/high and ended up sleeping with the guy. She told me she stopped him not long after they started. She couldn't continue, wishing it was me instead. Though I was deeply hurt, I forgave her. I think that was when she started to move onto the final "Hater" stage.

We moved into an apartment together in September, which is when she completely slipped off the deep end. She was chain smoking weed nonstop, going out every night with her friends. When she wasn't out with her friends or passed out on the bed she was pestering me for every little thing. It usually always stemmed from the fact that I didn't show her love often enough. Though its hard to appreciate someone who forces you to carry all the weight of the relationship, including the full cost of rent (which she agreed to pay half of yet never provided a cent). Eventually after enough neglect, she started to move towards the first guy that showed her what she wanted from me. I found their conversation one night after coming home from work, her passed out on the bed. They had been chatting for a couple weeks. Nothing raunchy, mostly her saying that she loves me and that she didn't think we were going to make it, and that maybe this guy would be better for her. It was enough to make me call it quits. I left her a note saying I'd be gone for a few days and that when I returned I expected her gone too... .

I went to my moms place, and by the time I put my head down to sleep it was around 4:30 am. Suddenly I heard *Whack* *Whack* on the side of the house. I opened the window to find her standing outside throwing rocks at the house. She was bawling and crying, begging me to talk to her. She told me how sorry she was, and how this guy meant nothing to her. She said she was just sad and lonely. She promised me she would change and put in more of an effort. Reluctantly I gave her another chance. She was fine for the first few days, cooking, cleaning, actually trying. Though after a few days she went right back to smoking/going out every night. After another week I finally had enough and told her she needed to find a new place to live. At this point she became very cold and distant. When she said "I love you", it lacked any honesty.

One night I returned home from work late to find a message from her on FB. She said she was out with her brother and some friends, and that she wouldn't be home that night. Strongly suspicious, I checked her anonymous twitter account, and low and behold she found yet another guy. Posts saying " I think I've met my match" and text screen captures saying "meet me down by the river princess" littered her feed. She also mentioned that I was kicking her out and that she was moving in with this new guy. I packed all of her stuff that night.

We had a bitter fight the next day when she returned, though it wasn't nearly as heated as usual. I could tell how much she had distanced herself from our relationship emotionally. She quickly grabbed a few essentials and took off. She showed up a week or so later with the new guy to pick up more stuff. She looked like crap, like she wasn't taking care of herself. At this point she was completely cold, devoid of any emotion towards me. I found out a few days later that she had moved in with this guy at his grandparents place an hour away... .She also changed her relationship status to "in a relationship" ONE DAY after we broke up (she deleted the notification on her timeline, likely out of guilt or embarrassment). I sent her a message calling her out on it, then deleted her. She responded by blocking me and deleting any mutual friends we shared... .

I proceeded to torture myself  by obsessivly reading her anon twitter posts which she knew I'd be reading. Posts about how happy she was were abundant, even a couple spiteful posts about their sex life... .

About a week later I dropped a couple things off at her parent's place. Her mom invited me in and asked me to tell her my side. She wasn't too pleased with her daughter... .

The next day the ex showed up at my place, alone this time. She said she wanted to check to see if there was anything she left, but I knew it was just an excuse to see me. She insisted she didn't cheat, and that she didn't do anything with the guy before the break. She was upset that I told her parents what was happening. After she found a few things of hers we made our way to the door. At this point I could see she was fighting back tears, and in a last desperate attempt to one-up me she said unconvincingly, "I think I love him". I said, "Oh yeah? Well have a great life" and held the door open for her. She quickly sped off, mumbling something about being kicked out again. Haven't seen her for about a month and a half. The breakup was on Oct.21.

About a month in I caved and left a letter for her at her parents place as it was the only way I could contact her (she stopped paying her cellphone bill too). I received a message from her rebound that night, basically telling me to back off or else. I told him he knows where I live and to show his permafried ass to me (all they do is smoke non-stop and watch Netflix). He blocked me and never responded... .

A few weeks after, I sent her another letter. This time leaving it at her work as I hoped she'd read it there and not tell the rebound as I don't want to create any more drama (still haven't heard from him... .). I received a call from the ex the next day. She told me to stop sending letters and stop showing up at her parents place. She told me she never even opened my letters, and that she was furious as she thinks I went to her parents and basically told them she was a ___... .She was at work and apparently her boss was walking up because she said he was coming then abruptly hung up in my ear. This happened on Dec.6th. haven't heard from her since.

I went to her parents one last time about two weeks ago as the exs' insurance company called me saying she made a claim on Dec.10. I also told them about the phone call and how she thought I trash talked her to them. They said they hadn't spoken to her in about a month. I asked them to just be there for her as she's going through a pretty difficult time. Her dad said he drives by my apartment once in a while, hoping he'll see her car in my driveway again... .

She stopped posting on twitter about a month ago, except for a few mundane posts last week. I think she's doing it because she doesn't want me to know what's happening in her life as I'm sure it's pretty uneventful.


I love her, and I want her back. I know what the problem is now. I know her BPD is what tore us apart and if she realized that I think we could start our relationship off on the right foot. We both knew there was something wrong with her, but we couldn't work on it because we didn't know exactly what it was. Now I do. I hope she comes around and realizes this guy is an insensitive jerk. Though I won't hold my breath. From here on out it's strict NC.


Any feedback or insight is appreciated. Based on your past BPD experiences, do you think she'll return? Or will I remain painted black forever? If she does, what can I expect? What would be the best way to confront her about BPD if she does? Im new to all this so any help is appreciated.


Thanks

[Tibbles]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but in answer to what can you expect if she comes back - more of the same. Knowing about the illness doesn't make it better. It's still there. As for how to confront her about it - I spoke to my ex about it and he denied it. From what I've read the nature of the illness puts the sufferer in denial and most refuse to acknowledge they have an illness. It's all about their fears of abandonment and that is all down to some one else in their mind. As for them getting professional help - it's one of the hardest to treat effectively and you need a therapist that is skilled in BPD. They are hard to find.

It's that beautiful person you fell in love with that makes it so hard to let go of the relationship. Unfortunately as things go pear shaped  ( at least this is how it was with me ) you become their trigger for all their fears and there is nothing you can do about that, no matter how hard you try. This site has lots of info on how to try to improve a relationship with some one with BPD, SET technique and the importance of validation etc. If you do end up getting back with her, make sure you are well informed and have lots of strategies you can try.

It is really hard to be in a relationship with some one with BPD and its really hard when that relationship ends. Whatever happens I wish you all the very best, make sure you take good care of yourself.

[Infared]

 

Ghostwalker ... .I completely agree with Tibbles.  BPD  is a disease of denial, immature selfish behavior and blame.

It sounds on some level that, in her way, she really loves/loved you... .but in true BPD fashion she does nothing to love herself or to show up in a consistent responsible fashion in your "relationship". It takes two. You are there ... .she isn't... .sadly, even her parents recognize it. She sounds like she is just avoiding facing an adult break up (all the other men to avoid ever being alone for a second... where she might have some self-growth). You sound like the classic BPD enabler (as was I). There is also the drug and alcohol use which in excess is usually damaging to any relationship as it is an extremely self-centered activity.

I read your story carefully and I agree with Tibbles... .BPD is extremely difficult to treat, but you have a person here that is doing nothing for her own self growth. She is not looking into therapy, she is partying and attaching to anyone to avoid looking at herself. You are both very young, too. You being on this site shows me that you have a maturity level and are pursuing adult answers. She isn't. I think if you pursue this you will be misdirecting your own chance at a better life... .but ... .believe me... .I understand the pull. I have not been with mine for years, yet I think of her every day. ah... .but to be human... .

My heart goes out to you.

[Blimblam]

Ghost walker

Your ex in many ways seems pretty self aware for a pwBPD.  She sounds like it might be possible to have a ltr with.  The thing is she is with someone else now.  You were there for the begining and as time goes on it will get worst each failed rs adding more and more shame.  I know that guilt as I remember when my ex first began dysregulation against me that look in her eyes like she can't stop what she's doing with a sort of deep look inside that said save me.  We can't go back in time dude.  If we could we should have just said shut up and held her untill she cried and felt better.  It's too late for that now.

[drummerboy]

I really cringe when anyone says that a BPD "loved them" they have no idea what love is, they NEED you very much but need is not love. To know love and to be able to love someone else you must first love yourself and a BPD hates themselves deep down although they are usually in denial about their self hate. Walk away from a BPD and work on yourself and understand that there are loads of mentally healthy, wonderful women out there.

[Blimblam]

I really cringe when anyone says that a BPD "loved them" they have no idea what love is, they NEED you very much but need is not love. To know love and to be able to love someone else you must first love yourself and a BPD hates themselves deep down although they are usually in denial about their self hate. Walk away from a BPD and work on yourself and understand that there are loads of mentally healthy, wonderful women out there.

So 4 year olds don't love their parents?

[fred6]

I really cringe when anyone says that a BPD "loved them" they have no idea what love is, they NEED you very much but need is not love. To know love and to be able to love someone else you must first love yourself and a BPD hates themselves deep down although they are usually in denial about their self hate. Walk away from a BPD and work on yourself and understand that there are loads of mentally healthy, wonderful women out there.

So 4 year olds don't love their parents?

Is it a real love or a functional need? Does a 4 year old actually know love anymore than we do with our dysfunctional views? Things to ponder... .

[bpd3103]

I really cringe when anyone says that a BPD "loved them" they have no idea what love is, they NEED you very much but need is not love. To know love and to be able to love someone else you must first love yourself and a BPD hates themselves deep down although they are usually in denial about their self hate. Walk away from a BPD and work on yourself and understand that there are loads of mentally healthy, wonderful women out there.

So 4 year olds don't love their parents?

Is it a real love or a functional need? Does a 4 year old actually know love anymore than we do with our dysfunctional views? Things to ponder... .

I agree drummer boy, they do hate themselves to varying degrees, although some cover it very well. They can love, but only to the degree that a 4 year old does. If you ask a 4 yr old ":)o you love your parents?" They will say, "Yes" But if you ask them "Why?" You will see the weight of the question on them in their faces. And they will most likely answer with something like "Cause they read too me, and buy me toys, and play with me." This is the extent to which a BPD loves, sure their are glimpses of what we perceive to be a deeper love, but it is mostly need based. Now ask the parents why they love their child and watch the expressions of awe and wonder come across their faces with deep explanations to go along with it. Thats a full mentally understanding a mature love, something a BPD can never achieve.

In response to Ghostwalker: I would advise you to go and read my posts on my experience. It wasn't even a month ago that I was in exactly the same boat as you. Young optimistic and in love. Thinking that I could work through this with her (Thats also the strong take charge "controller" that they valued in us so much during the relationship talking), funny how it turns around on us. Anyways, after spending some time here and healing myself I realize that I cannot, and that it is so much for the better. Mine is 18 as well, Im 23, so we share a-lot of the same understandings both of our exes in their maturity and of ourselves, for you to be here says a-lot. Mine was perfect too, a dream girl, looks, personality, the sweetest thing you could ever know, anything and everything I always wanted, and points of genuine deep love. But this is Key: The relationship does not get better, it will only get worse as time goes, be thankful you got out when you did. Stay NC and keep your thoughts here.

[Blimblam]

I fully encourage you to learn about the disorder ghostwriter.  The site has a recommended books section that's a good place to start.  All the feelings she felt for you were real, good and bad. A pwBPD has a fragmented identity they compartmentalize so when they feel abandoned or engulfed they often can not handle processing those emotions so they see those emotions as being caused by you as the source of them, you become them.  Thus you become bad or flawed in their eyes.

Yes, it is harder and more painful to detach from them when you can't bring yourself to vilify them.

Your heart knows the love is true but often the mind can not make sense of the disordered chaos.  In your heart you knew how she felt. That was real.

You sound a bit undecided if you would take her back if you had the chance.

[Hope0807]

Hi Ghostwalker,

You've misunderstood or missed the many, many stories here who can definitely attest to the times in their relationships where we felt "genuine love shined through."  Many, many times over 7 years my ex would come to me crying and apologizing, vowing to make big changes.

I feel worry for you and cannot hide my disappointment that you want this person back in your life.  I could never want someone who doesn't want me and is incapable of giving what they receive…genuine, authentic love.  Actions must match words.  A disordered personality is incapable of that. 

And then, you don't even realize how luck you are.  You've met this person at the beginning of where they will begin their journey of perfecting their mask and ways of manipulation…one person after the other, over and over again.  To hope that they come back and believing in a fantasy that this is something you can deal with is tragic. 

I don't miss my ex, I miss the years I gave him and the person I was before he nearly snuffed the life out of me and stole my soul.  I'll get ME back, but my long road of recovery is something you won't have to suffer through if you snap out of it.  Personality Disorders are NOT mental illness.  They are BEYOND mental illness. 

It's funny. You go through an entire relationship knowing there's a problem, yet never discover what it is. Then I stumble across some information on BPD and all the pieces fall into place. Like a T, my ex displayed every trait. Even I displayed the obvious traits of the easy victim enabler. The knight in shining armor (or rusty armor as she'd put it).

Though unlike most stories I've read of others' tragic affairs with BPD, I feel my ex was a bit different in that there were times when I truly felt her genuine love shine through. There were times when she would be verbally/mentally torturing me and actually realize what she was doing. I could see it in her eyes. The pain of realizing how much she was hurting me. On more than one occasion she would come to me after the fact, crying and saying how sorry she was and how she doesn't know why she gets so worked up and abusive.

It's so sad seeing someone you love being broken down by a problem neither of you can identify. A problem which breaks you down even more in the process... .


I love her, and I want her back. I know what the problem is now. I know her BPD is what tore us apart and if she realized that I think we could start our relationship off on the right foot. We both knew there was something wrong with her, but we couldn't work on it because we didn't know exactly what it was. Now I do. I hope she comes around and realizes this guy is an insensitive jerk. Though I won't hold my breath. From here on out it's strict NC.


Any feedback or insight is appreciated. Based on your past BPD experiences, do you think she'll return? Or will I remain painted black forever? If she does, what can I expect? What would be the best way to confront her about BPD if she does? Im new to all this so any help is appreciated.


Thanks

[Blimblam]

Hi Ghostwalker,

You've misunderstood or missed the many, many stories here who can definitely attest to the times in their relationships where we felt "genuine love shined through."  Many, many times over 7 years my ex would come to me crying and apologizing, vowing to make big changes.

I feel worry for you and cannot hide my disappointment that you want this person back in your life.  I could never want someone who doesn't want me and is incapable of giving what they receive…genuine, authentic love.  Actions must match words.  A disordered personality is incapable of that. 

And then, you don't even realize how luck you are.  You've met this person at the beginning of where they will begin their journey of perfecting their mask and ways of manipulation…one person after the other, over and over again.  To hope that they come back and believing in a fantasy that this is something you can deal with is tragic. 

I don't miss my ex, I miss the years I gave him and the person I was before he nearly snuffed the life out of me and stole my soul.  I'll get ME back, but my long road of recovery is something you won't have to suffer through if you snap out of it.  Personality Disorders are NOT mental illness.  They are BEYOND mental illness. 

It's funny. You go through an entire relationship knowing there's a problem, yet never discover what it is. Then I stumble across some information on BPD and all the pieces fall into place. Like a T, my ex displayed every trait. Even I displayed the obvious traits of the easy victim enabler. The knight in shining armor (or rusty armor as she'd put it).

Though unlike most stories I've read of others' tragic affairs with BPD, I feel my ex was a bit different in that there were times when I truly felt her genuine love shine through. There were times when she would be verbally/mentally torturing me and actually realize what she was doing. I could see it in her eyes. The pain of realizing how much she was hurting me. On more than one occasion she would come to me after the fact, crying and saying how sorry she was and how she doesn't know why she gets so worked up and abusive.

It's so sad seeing someone you love being broken down by a problem neither of you can identify. A problem which breaks you down even more in the process... .


I love her, and I want her back. I know what the problem is now. I know her BPD is what tore us apart and if she realized that I think we could start our relationship off on the right foot. We both knew there was something wrong with her, but we couldn't work on it because we didn't know exactly what it was. Now I do. I hope she comes around and realizes this guy is an insensitive jerk. Though I won't hold my breath. From here on out it's strict NC.


Any feedback or insight is appreciated. Based on your past BPD experiences, do you think she'll return? Or will I remain painted black forever? If she does, what can I expect? What would be the best way to confront her about BPD if she does? Im new to all this so any help is appreciated.


Thanks

Hope I understand your feelings of disappointment for your relationship and how you feel about your ex. But please allow to express themselves without adding the element of guilt for feeling how they feel like it is wrong to feel that way. 

His ex and your ex are two completely different people.  Bpd is a spectrum disorder that exists on a continuim.  I have known a few pwBPD and they were each very different people.

I have known a few males too and the likeliness a male has aspd comorbidity is much higher and is extremely different to BPD without aspd like a different universe. 

[Ghostwalker]

Wow... .Thank you everyone for all the responses.

I know BPD is for the most part, a losing battle. Though I see that most who suffer from it, deny it when they're confronted. I don't think that would be the case with my ex. She knew something was wrong with her. She thought she was bipolar. She went to therapy but they didn't diagnose her with anything and just prescribed her mind numbing medication. If she had the symptoms laid out for her, I'm sure she would agree, rather than become defensive.

I also know that despite her disorder, I had a large part to play in her decline. I opened her to weed, which she eventually started to use as a crutch. When we'd start to argue I'd rarely make an effort to diffuse the situation. Instead I'd just get stuck in her storm with her. All it would take most of the time was me grabing her by the hips and pulling her in for a passionate kiss, then the argument would disappear. After all, that was all she wanted from me in the first place... .Though somewhere along the way my frustration overclouded my love for her and I just stopped trying to diffuse. Instead I just gave in and nothing would be resolved. When a BPD starts to go off the handle, it's actually more like a skipping record than a violent storm. They don't even know why they are, but usually all it takes is a gentle nudge to snap them out of it. I just lost my patience. I gave up on her... .

But like I said. I know what the problem is now and knowing is half the battle. I just hope I get the chance to try again with her. It breaks my heart to think she'll keep going through this same cycle with every relationship until there's no hope left for her... .

My biggest worry is her being stuck in her current situation. She's living with this guy and his grandparents an hour away, yet has to drive into the city for work. This guy is a royal dick, the anthesis of me. Though I know the only reason she's with him is because he was the only option she had. She cut off all contact and won't read my letters, and I think I know why. Because if she did read them, she knows all the feelings she has for me would all come flooding back and wouldn't be able to hide from them anymore. If she dared speaking to me again, she risks the rebound finding out who would no doubt kick her out and she'd have nowhere to go, at least in her mind. In my final letter to her I said I love her and that I just want what's best for her, and that if she needs a place to stay she can come back. If she NEEDS it. Though as far as I know, she doesn't know that. So right now we're just stuck in limbo... .

[drummerboy]

Sorry we're going OT a bit here.

No, IMO a 4 year old does not love their parents, they really need their parents but they don't love them, most of the old wisdom tells us that love is about giving, not getting. If I break my leg I really "need" a doctor, but I don't love the doctor.

A great book that delves deeply into this question is the classic "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm.

I really cringe when anyone says that a BPD "loved them" they have no idea what love is, they NEED you very much but need is not love. To know love and to be able to love someone else you must first love yourself and a BPD hates themselves deep down although they are usually in denial about their self hate. Walk away from a BPD and work on yourself and understand that there are loads of mentally healthy, wonderful women out there.

So 4 year olds don't love their parents?

[hergestridge]

The ilussion we are often stuck with is even present in the subject line of this threat "... .when the love shines through". There are not two layers. There is no true, good person beneath the illness.

Your SO may be sorry that the "bad" is part of her, but is she capable to do anything about it? It is like cutting of her left arm.

It is so simple, I wouldn't believe it myself at first when I was introduced to the idea. They come to hate you over time, but they also hate the idea of losing you. So just when they have hated you enough so that they run the risk of losing you, they will love you a little in order to keep you. This is the pattern they are stuck with, and they can even keep it going post-breakup.

Just an anecdote to illustrate this:

It was six months since I broke up with my wife (20 year rs), and I have showed zero interest in her since (we barely speak). On new years eve she posted something I found insulting on facebook, so I unfriended her. The next day she had "liked" ten of pictures on my page and sent me a text message that said "I miss you" which it totally inadequate considering the situation we are in. Remove yourself one step from her and she start throwing signs of affection. It's like a pavlovnian reflex.

[Tim300]

you don't even realize how luck you are. 

I would add that you're lucky to know about BPD in your early 20s.  Now you have a major leg up in sorting through the marriage market as you eventually begin to again search for Mrs. Right.  So many of us didn't learn about BPD until after we had made major life commitments including getting married and having children. 

Anyhow, I agree with what posters above have said, pwBPD do not love -- they can't understand what unconditional love is or what it means to see another human being as beautiful.  Also, I won't repeat my story again here, but I can confirm that the cruelty and danger towards you will get much, much worse if you don't cut your losses now.  Run.     

[Hope0807]

There is no harm or extension of guilt in an honest declaration of concern for someone's naivety that years of research proves may very likely lead to a dangerous place.  This poster has been given a gift to learn about this terminology at their young age and to have this experience in their vault to move forward and learn from.  My relationship is not identical to anyone else's, and I never claimed that to be the case.  With that said, personality disordered individuals share extremely common destructive behaviors - hence why they fall into a psychological manual deeming them as the "most dangerous."  Across the board, those behaviors destroy the people who try to love them - period.   

There is a truth behind that destruction that too many skirt around.  We can feel all the compassion toward a PD person all we want, but when we lack the core values and compassion for OURSELVES FIRST…it simply perpetuates the illusion.  Who needs that? 

[Blimblam]

For some folks on here I have seen posts where they say they are fairly positive the pwBPD in their life also had aspd.

I have personally known multiple people with BPD in my life each with varying levels of intensity and comorbidities and each of them were very very different people. My brother I would say is more aspd but he has BPD and npd elements and is in general very sadistic.  I could easily see anyone being with him then thinking all pwBPD are a certain way.  The truth is he is is extremely different than my ex and so are several other pwBPD I have known. 

Basically people are chiming in to tell him his reality is false based on our authority well we are not the authority on his reality.

[Infared]

The ilussion we are often stuck with is even present in the subject line of this threat "... .when the love shines through". There are not two layers. There is no true, good person beneath the illness.

Your SO may be sorry that the "bad" is part of her, but is she capable to do anything about it? It is like cutting of her left arm.

It is so simple, I wouldn't believe it myself at first when I was introduced to the idea. They come to hate you over time, but they also hate the idea of losing you. So just when they have hated you enough so that they run the risk of losing you, they will love you a little in order to keep you. This is the pattern they are stuck with, and they can even keep it going post-breakup.

Just an anecdote to illustrate this:

It was six months since I broke up with my wife (20 year rs), and I have showed zero interest in her since (we barely speak). On new years eve she posted something I found insulting on facebook, so I unfriended her. The next day she had "liked" ten of pictures on my page and sent me a text message that said "I miss you" which it totally inadequate considering the situation we are in. Remove yourself one step from her and she start throwing signs of affection. It's like a pavlovnian reflex.

It's also the behavior of a 12 yr-old.