Our marital therapist told me: run and NC

[Tim300]

Our marital therapist told me: run and NC.  Also said that my ex has traits of ASPD.  The therapist said that she's seen just a couple BPD cases, and they ended very, very poorly (e.g. physical violence and false legal actions).     

[Wastedyears25]

We went to joint therapy for months, him playing the wounded victim most of the time, nothing was his fault. After a few months he stopped going because I wasn't doing therapy "right"? In his mind I was the one who needed help, he was fine. After I moved out I continued to go without him, the T told me in our one on one sessions that she felt he lived in his own constructed reality and anything I said or did was seen as an attack on that reality. A reality that he would defend to the death. T said her mother was BPD and she thought he may have tendencies. She said "let's pray I'm wrong." She said either they love you or they hate you. A few sessions later he texted about 5 times in the middle of the session, worried that it was my kids I checked my phone, the texts were so ridiculous, he had split me black and back to white in 5 texts, I read them aloud to the T, she threw her arms in the air and said that's it, this has to end now. She said that he needed help, our marriage was toxic and I needed to stop responding to him until we both were in a better place but she didn't know if he'd ever be in that place. She said it takes years to work with BPD and some pwBPD don't last that long in therapy. She said I'm not saying he can't get better, but it will take a lot of commitment and time and I don't know if he is willing to do the work that needs to be done. Then she proceeded to educate me on personal safety she said she'd had patients that had been stalked after the split and she was afraid that my H was a good candidate for a stalker.

[Mr Hollande]

I don't have a T but a good friend who is a prison guard reacted strongly when I told him my ex is BPD. It turns out prisons are full of them and having done courses on the subject he was rather spooked when told that I'd been so close to someone like that for five years. I felt validated by this because for the first time there was someone who wasn't damaged by the same thing as I was who understood and took it seriously.

I was in contact with a psychiatric nurse via a dating site and she also had plenty of knowledge and experience of the disorder. When I told her I'd recently broke up from a BPD relationship she dropped me faster than she would a hot potato. I felt like I was discarded for, in her eyes, being damaged beyond repair. This made me angry. I am no ones discard. Not my ex's and certainly not hers. I am a strong person who is fighting for my recovery. I hope she falls off her high horse one day.

[drummerboy]

My T doesn't like labels but when pushed talks about Cluster B disorders. After much research I agree with her, look at the traits for ALL of the cluster b disorders and not just BPD. Most likely you'll be able to pick out a few from each for your ex. My T always steered me away from talking about my ex, at first this annoyed me a bit until one day I told her and we did a whole session on my ex. It really didn't help much as I was looking back instead of forward. I know a psyc as a friend and the first thing she said after I described my ex was BPD and that they were all abused as children (not neccesarily sexually but often quite bad mental abuse)

I am now fascininated with personality disorders and look at my ex like a scientist would study a specimen under a microscope, fascinated but emotionally removed

[eagle1206]

After break-up 2.5 months ago, I was devastated, seeking therapy as well as some closure with my ExBPDgf. I never got any response from Ex to my phone calls, texts, emails. I talked to my therapist about how our relationship evolved, how it ended and some of her past that she had shared with me, and he mentioned to me that he suspects she is BPD. He asked me to read about it and research it. That did the trick. Everything written here and other places matches 100%. That gave me the closure (that there will never be a closure), not even for kids. I accepted it. Thankfully, I saw therapist, otherwise I would not have known about BPD and would have kept wondering as to what happened and would have endlessly tried to find answers, without any results.

[hurting300]

Since mine ran off with our baby, and left damaging evidence. We got a subpoena for records. One doctor said she was BPD, the other claims she is more of a sociopath. Both said nothing can be done it's better to leave them.

[Pingo]

When I started to see my first T, I had just BU with my ex and we were talking about getting back together.  I wasn't being completely open about what I had experienced in our r/s to my T but I think she sensed that I should take my time coming to this decision and advised me so.  We did get back together (unfortunately) and after a short time things spiralled out of control again and this time I told her what was really going on.  She told me I was being abused.  I knew it but I think I needed to hear it from someone else.  A short time later we split again for the final time.  After my own research trying to figure out just what the hell I had been through, I come across PD's and found this forum.  Now fast forward a few months and I actually switched T's and I just found out before Christmas that my new T's sister is BPD and has a RO against her by a relative!  So I picked the right one!  She can definitely understand the fear and damage I've experienced!  When I told her that I fear for my life, she didn't jump to conclusions that maybe I was nuts (something I was worried she might do as my thoughts were so extreme).  She totally validated me and advised me to protect myself.

[SlyQQ]

Would DEFINATELY be my general advice

[enlighten me]

I don't have a T but a good friend who is a prison guard reacted strongly when I told him my ex is BPD. It turns out prisons are full of them and having done courses on the subject he was rather spooked when told that I'd been so close to someone like that for five years. I felt validated by this because for the first time there was someone who wasn't damaged by the same thing as I was who understood and took it seriously.

I was in contact with a psychiatric nurse via a dating site and she also had plenty of knowledge and experience of the disorder. When I told her I'd recently broke up from a BPD relationship she dropped me faster than she would a hot potato. I felt like I was discarded for, in her eyes, being damaged beyond repair. This made me angry. I am no ones discard. Not my ex's and certainly not hers. I am a strong person who is fighting for my recovery. I hope she falls off her high horse one day.

I wouldnt hold it against the nurse. How many on here had their ex told them they were BPD or that their exs were. She may have thought you were the pwBPD in the relationship and were projecting. If you read the red flag posts there are a lot of people who say their exs said they had been involved with someone with mental health issues.

[enlighten me]

I am now fascininated with personality disorders and look at my ex like a scientist would study a specimen under a microscope, fascinated but emotionally removed

I am th same drummer. I have always found mental health interesting but now I have a greater thirst for knowledge. Both my exs are a case study. My ex MIL is amazed how accurately I can predict what my exw will do next. I am an engineer by trade so what makes things tick interests me. This is why I am drawn to why they behave the way they do and what is the ultimate cause of the dusorder physically.

back on topic. When my exw recycled me we went to a maariage counsellor. My exw saw her a few times on her own. When she dumped me I went myself and the T said that I should run and forget about her. She never said what was wrong with my exw but did agree that she had a mental health problem. After finding this site and seeing how many people have been told the same I feel validated with my diagnosis of her most likely having BPD.

[SlyQQ]

I was in contact with a psychiatric nurse via a dating site and she also had plenty of knowledge and experience of the disorder. When I told her I'd recently broke up from a BPD relationship she dropped me faster than she would a hot potato. I felt like I was discarded for, in her eyes, being damaged beyond repair. This made me angry. I am no ones discard. Not my ex's and certainly not hers. I am a strong person who is fighting for my recovery. I hope she falls off her high horse one day. [/quote]
 mr Hollande

Re the nurse she was probably just scared your ex would land back on your/her doorstep oneday

[Linda Maria]

Hi everyone!  One of the earlier posts said:

"I know a psyc as a friend and the first thing she said after I described my ex was BPD and that they were all abused as children (not neccesarily sexually but often quite bad mental abuse)"

I always get confused when I read this sort of thing.  For a long while I thought BPD didn't fit my sister's behaviour, because I kept reading that it is so much associated with poor parenting and abusive childhoods - although every other aspect fit the bill very well.  But the abuse thing is completely not the case with my uBPDsis.  We are both adopted from different sets of birth parents.  She was adopted more or less from birth, I was adopted at 9 weeks.  There is just 13 months between us so we have never really known a time without each other, we never knew a time of not having 2 loving parents and a stable home. We are now 52 (me) and she is 53.   We were brought up in a secure and loving environment, and were always treated very much as equals, if anything, because she never really left home, and carried on depending on my parents much longer, she has had a lot more than me.  But we are both university educated, have held down good jobs etc.   I felt more comfortable when I read elsewhere, that there is also a strong genetic/biological component to BPD, and that it can develop even in the absence of any significant environmental difficulties.  Similarly, where the biological predisposition is very low, it can still develop if environmental factors such as trauma, abuse etc. are present.  I imagine this is a difficult thing to research, and given the numbers of undiagnosed pwBPD, even more difficult.  Possibly this isn't the right location for this post, but if anyone has more information or insight into this I would be very interested.  My uBPDsis had exactly the same loving, supportive environment I had, the only difference is our genetic make-up. 

[enlighten me]

I also dislike this blanket statement that BPD stems from abuse.

I feel genetics is the major contributor to BPD. it has been shown that pwBPD have differences in their brain. Whether this is from birth or whether due to abuse that the brain has rewired itself the end result is the brain is different.

If BPD works on a scale then you can have someone born at the higher end who suffers no abuse but develops BPD. inversely you can have someone on the low end of the scale that suffers abuse or neglect and develops BPD.

There was also a study of evacuees during WW2 in England which showed that by being seperated from their parents even as babies raused cortisol levels and these remained elevated into their forties. Cortisol is a stress hormone which I personally believe is involved with BPD.

[billypilgrim]

In the past 6 months, I've seen 2 therapists.  The first was a marriage counselor in which my ex decided to go see.  After a couple of sessions, she invited me along.  I was essentially told that I have too much of a life outside of her (what?) and that I don't pay my ex enough attention (also what?).  I felt ambushed and as if I was being tag teamed.  I remember wanting to defend myself but I couldn't find the words or the thoughts.  I was so used to just going with it.  I was frozen and just took it and said I'll fix it.  I was also told that I showed signs of depression.  I was dumbfounded by both of these "revelations."  It was a very big ah-ha moment for me.  It's as if I had been on auto-pilot, only worrying about her and not taking care of myself.  And the handful of things I tried to do for myself, I got taken to therapy over.

After she left, I sought out my own T.  My world had been flipped.  I had "fixed" the issues that we had seen the marriage counselor for some months before and I did not see any of this coming.  She told me a number of times that everything was great.  We were talking about kids, new house, etc.  Not the kind of crap you say to someone when you are about to walk out.  The only form of closure came via e-mail in which everything was my fault.  I took that e-mail to my T and after reading it, she asked me about my ex's family history.  That's when she read the DSM description of BPD and finally it all made sense.  She told me she is clear cut BPD and if she isn't getting help, you need to cut ties and not look back.  She also told me how lucky I was for getting an out.  Not everyone in these relationships gets so lucky.  This was weird to hear considering I was still very much in love with her.  Or at least the idea of her.

When I told my T about the marriage counselor visit, she asked me to sign a release so that my T could reach out to our marriage counselor to get her thoughts.  My T told me that the marriage counselor was shocked that we had split.  She thought we were on the right track and had been very mature about the "problems" in our r/s.  She also said that she had a hard time talking about anything personal with my ex.  My ex apparently never went into any detail about the ongoing issues with her mother (diagnosed BD/BPD) or the fact that my ex wanted to see the same psychiatrist that her mother sees.  or her multiple issues of abuse and rocky relationships prior to meeting me.   

Moral of the story, if you go to a marriage counselor, go to the same one at the same time.  Our marriage counselor didn't pick up on her issues, despite how obvious things seem now.  I don't hold anything against our marriage counselor, she only had a few visits with my ex.  I had six years and didn't have a clue until she was out of my life.

[Pingo]

Moral of the story, if you go to a marriage counselor, go to the same one at the same time.  Our marriage counselor didn't pick up on her issues, despite how obvious things seem now.  I don't hold anything against our marriage counselor, she only had a few visits with my ex.  I had six years and didn't have a clue until she was out of my life.

I saw a MC with my ex for quite a while and I feel she made things worse!  She never really called him on any of his behaviour.  I told her I was scared of him!  When we left that session he got moody and p*ssed at me for my 'extremely outrageous thoughts' and of course unjustified!  I don't think she had any idea he was BPD and she certainly didn't ask any questions that really dug into anything real.  She actually focused on me and my reactions more than anything.  Why was I scared?  Why did I feel 'punished' when he gave me the ST.  Well that's great, I left there thinking I was the one with the problem.  I don't think I would have married him if she had been a better counsellor and I DO hold her responsible for her crappy therapy.

[billypilgrim]

Well that's great, I left there thinking I was the one with the problem. 

That's exactly how I felt.  And that's exactly how I acted up until she left.  I think my ex felt that way too considering how she ended things.

But I've read a couple of times that pwBPD can really take their therapists/psychs for a ride.  That is if they actually end up deciding to see one.  A lot of times they end up idealizing their T's as rescuers and end up getting caught up in the cycle.  Once devalued, the pwBPD ends up quitting therapy and likely blames the T only to get back out there and repeat the same things that made them seek therapy in the first place.  Rinse/repeat. 

Another issue I've read about is pwBPD being discouraged by boundaries set by the T.  I saw this first hand.  Our marriage counselor would always end the sessions right when the hour was up.  She would spend the next few minutes discussing how we were paying.  This drove my ex crazy.  I now see that it probably triggered her abandonment issues.  I never really understood why she would get so frustrated with the payment/timing issues, the counselor was just doing her job.       

[Pingo]

Another issue I've read about is pwBPD being discouraged by boundaries set by the T.  I saw this first hand.  Our marriage counselor would always end the sessions right when the hour was up.  She would spend the next few minutes discussing how we were paying.  This drove my ex crazy.  I now see that it probably triggered her abandonment issues.  I never really understood why she would get so frustrated with the payment/timing issues, the counselor was just doing her job.       

That's interesting bc my ex had been seeing a counsellor for many years when I met him and continued to see her while we were together but only when there was a 'crisis'.  She didn't seem to have many boundaries and maybe that is why he stuck with her for so long.  He would phone her and have phone counselling without making an appointment and she wouldn't charge him.  She'd allow him to call anytime of day or night.  This seemed very strange to me, I'd never had a T that didn't have pretty strict boundaries.  He saw her as someone who really cared about him which was all he cared about.  In fact when we split the first time he agreed to see a T that specialised in more of what he was dealing with and when he came home from the appointment all he talked about is how she seemed to really feel bad for him and his hard life!