Taking responsibility BPD or PMDD?

[Ripe]

My ex-gf (10 years and an 8 year old daughter) and I have finally separated. I have written about our story elsewhere. I am hurting... .sad and jealous. She is fine... .moving on with new boyfriend. As i said elsewhere, it is I who said NO to marriage when she asked me after 8 years. I kept waiting for things to improve or change but after every episode I felt that the Trust clock was reset to zero. She accuses me of being someone who cannot commit and is very angry that I wasted 8 years of her life. The fact is that 9 years ago she became pregnant when our relationship was already broken. I begged her to have an abortion, to no avail. In reading some of the posts here, it would not surprise me that she trapped me with her pregnancy and had her IUD removed so that she could become pregnant. I preferred not to think that someone could be so manipulative but I guess it is not above someone with BPD. I decided that whatever her actions, she was going to have my daughter so I decided to be a good father. For 8 years I have paid for every single expense of our darling daughter.

I keep fantasyzing that if her new relationship does not work out, she might have some new realizations about herself. Realizations that will finally make her see that she has a real problem which if she does not address, she will never be happy and most likely will end up alone. That the problem was not me or her new boyfriend (who seems like a decent fellow) but herself. She is nowhere near that right now. She admits that she is over-emotional at times but says lots of women are (then mentions friends that are successfully married).

Furthermore she has told me her shrink told her that she suffers from PMDD (a severe case of PMS). It is true that the likelihood of an "episode" increases as PMS approaches but I wonder whether her shrink told her about this diagnosis so that she could prescribe Prozac (which she takes... increasing the dosage from 10mg to 40 mg during PMS and then going back to 10mg) and Klonopin without alarming her with a BPD diagnosis that she would probably reject.

The problem as I see it is that the PMDD diagnosis relieves her of any responsibilty to work on herself. The medication is all she needs. After all, how can you tell a woman to "work" on her PMS.

The BPD diagnosis is much more severe. It tells you that if you accept responsibillity for what you are doing and take action, there is a small chance that after 2-5 years of intense treatment, you might recover. It is a bitter pill to swallow. So much easier to say you have PMDD and make you feel compassionate.

I know that my fantasies are stupid. By the time the relationship with her current borfriend ends, I will have moved on and will not want to resume the relationship. My broken heart will have mended and I will see this woman for who she is rather than for who I would like her to be. And I will want nothing to do with her except dealings about our daughter. What a shame... .

She is a diamond on the outside (beautiful, elegant, intelligent, well read) with a fatal flaw inside. It is truly a lesson in "do not judge a book by its cover"

[Minky]

She is fine... .moving on with new boyfriend.

She is not "fine" sweetie - she really isn't.

She has taken all the old baggage with her into a new relationship - she hasn't done any spring cleaning and got rid of useless or broken items - because she believes that these items have and will serve her well.

If she is BP then she may have found something fill that void for now - but her new partner (being a mere human being) will let her down - just like you did and the next one will and on and on - unless she gets help.

Don't go hanging around on the off chance that she may see the light and come back to you.  Do you really want to be "second choice" in someone's life?  I know I don't - I am "first" or not at all now.

You acted on your gut instinct - it has served you well.  She cannot be alone - that in itself raises questions about her stability.  She hasn't had time to catch her breath before she replaced the man in her life with another one - blink and you might miss it.

I understand why you might feel jealous.  But logically why are you jealous that another person has taken it upon himself to try and cure her of this disorder - do you think he will succeed - is he a fully trained and experienced therapist - that takes patients into his home and has a relationship with them in the name of "therapy".  If this is the case - he goes beyond the call of duty.

Whatever she has been diagnosed with is now her problem to deal with.  I know it's really difficult to stop putting all the focus onto them. 

Take it easy, do stuff just for you - it will get better if you work at it.

Minks

[Tinroof]

Man, Ripe, This is my story to a T. My ex BPDgf and I broke up about eight weeks ago. She had been hounding me about marriage again--we'd been together eleven years, give or take about two or three that were lost due to her storming out and disappearing.

   I simply couldn't marry her without her taking responsibility for her anger and attempting to do something about it. Once, she committed to doing so after a three month split where she was involved with another poor sap who had his head whipped around.

   She, too, became pregnant early on--before she had left another relationship--and did have an abortion. But forever after, tried to get me not to use contraception. I was terrified that she would trick me. She once threw condoms all over the bedroom in a fit of fury.

   I still miss her--as astounding as that sounds. But I miss the fantasy of what we might have had if she weren't so x-x-x-xed up. And that is not the same as reality. And that is some comfort.

[Tim300]

I miss the fantasy of what we might have had if she weren't so x-x-x-xed up. And that is not the same as reality. And that is some comfort.

Ditto.

[Rise]

Furthermore she has told me her shrink told her that she suffers from PMDD (a severe case of PMS). It is true that the likelihood of an "episode" increases as PMS approaches but I wonder whether her shrink told her about this diagnosis so that she could prescribe Prozac (which she takes... increasing the dosage from 10mg to 40 mg during PMS and then going back to 10mg) and Klonopin without alarming her with a BPD diagnosis that she would probably reject.

Has the medication had any sort of positive effect or is she still acting the same way she always has?