Guardianship of grandson

[Wishing-and-Hoping]

My daughter (age 32, I'll call Susan) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. We have had suspicions of something being "off" for her entire life.

She has two children with different fathers. The oldest son ( I'll call Sam) is 10. His father has never been involved in his life. The younger son (I'll call Brian) lives with his father (I'll call Art) who is the custodial parent.

When Art and Susan split a year and a half ago, Susan and Sam moved in with her father (I'll call him Bart) and I. Brian stayed in his home with his dad. After a few months, Susan began to ignore Sam and my husband and I were assuming full responsibility for his care including making breakfast, getting him to school and back, homework, etc. often, Susan would go days without seeing him. In Sams life, Susan had previously left Sam with us twice for 8 months and then for 1 year. Both times, she came back to get Sam and have him live with her again after she had met "the love of her life". We had no choice but to let him go with her.

Her last husband, Art, is a good man and father. He has always treated Sam as a son and even though he has no obligation to do so, he continues a relationship with Sam as his dad.

Susan has done some horrible things to both Art and Bart and I. Bart and I finally filed with the court for guardianship of Sam, which we received in January 2014. Because of Susan's behavior of keying her husbands car and putting sugar in another persons gas tank, she spent a week in jail in March. She lost her job, but unbelievably was hired in a better position at a different company.

Because she is making more money now, she is taking everyone to court to try to get her kids back. We have a hearing coming up in March because she has filed to have our guardianship terminated. Sam has come a long way in a year and a half. He has ADHD and has been seeing two counselors. He used to throw terrible tantrums but doesn't anymore.

We had a short hearing a few months ago to set a date and Susan was making all sorts of accusations that are not true. I am so worried that a judge who is not familiar with BPD will believe what she says and place Sam with her. We do have two other daughters that will testify on our behalf but I just don't know how far Susan will go. 

Does anyone have experience with the court system and people with BPD?  It would be the absolute worse thing for Sam to go back with her. Sorry about the length of this post!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

 

Hi Wishing-and-hoping,

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear the difficulties you and your family are going through. It's scary when a person may be able to hold it together and tell grandiose stories and exaggerations with conviction.

Court is stressful and even more so in court. I can relate. Many of our members have experience with the judicial system and pwBPD. I'm glad you have found us. There is hope.

You will find a great deal of help with navigating the legal channels of separation, divorce, custody with the resources we have available to you on  [L3] Family law, divorce and custody. You will find articles and workshops about dealing with the various aspects of separation and divorce. Our senior members at that board have lived through the issues of separation, divorce, and custody. They will help you to figure out what works and what may not work. They know the problems and the pitfalls; they offer a wealth of experience in protecting yourself and your children as you go through this difficult, painful process.

What Is The Story On "Grandparents' Rights?

Hang in there.

--Mutt  

[PrettyPlease]

Hi Wishing-and-Hoping



Sorry to hear about your daughter, and your troubles. On the plus side, IMO Sam is lucky to have you (so far) as a surrogate parent to him.

Does anyone have experience with the court system and people with BPD?  It would be the absolute worse thing for Sam to go back with her.

I personally don't, but there are many who do. I see you've made it to the Parenting board, which is a good place to ask about this. And there's also another board, maybe even more relevant -- in case you haven't seen it -- which is directly to do with Family Law aspects (including custody). There will be many people posting there who have direct experience and can discuss it with you.

The way this site works overall is that this background you've given here is used as an introduction and resource for people interacting with you elsewhere on the site, but many people won't see it right away. So to get right to the heart of the problem a.s.a.p. (and it sounds like you need ideas soon) I suggest you post a summary and question about what you most need to know on the legal board, and possibly also on the Parenting -- though my guess is that board will be most useful for longer term strategizing about your daughter's role in your life; but both are important and you can run threads on both of them of course.

Best of luck and again welcome.

p.s. just saw Mutt's reply that appeared as I'm finishing this, but I'll post anyway -- now you know that two of us think you will find help at the Family Law board.  

[livednlearned]

Hi Wishing-and-Hoping,

A really good resource for understanding how BPD and court mix is Bill Eddy's www.highconflictinstitute.com. Bill Eddy is a former social worker who became a family law attorney and he writes specifically about personality disorders in court. He wrote Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse which you may find useful even though you're the grandparent. There is no other resource like it in terms of helping us understand the court system from the perspective of a plaintiff/defendant who has BPD.

I agree with others that you should post any questions you have on Family Law -- the collective support and experience dealing with courts and BPD is so helpful. There is a lot you can do to strengthen your case (not all Ls fully comprehend BPD, so you will need to be the advocate), but the main thing I recommend is having a solution that the judge can live with. Judges LOVE solutions that come from one of the parties. Something like: Grandparents have primary custody of child, including legal custody, and mom needs to take anger management/parenting classes. Meanwhile, she can have supervised visits until classes are completed. There is a good chance your D won't do these classes, but you give her the chance to show she's ready to have the kids. The judge will feel like that's reasonable, and then the burden is on her to show she's ready to be a parent.

Also, the fact that your D left the kids for that period of time will work a lot in your favor. Document everything you can. The more you can document, the more you can offset the persuasive story that your D will tell the court.

Sam is lucky to have you 

[Wishing-and-Hoping]

Thank you for the support and advice. I am glad I found this site, I had no idea that so many people were in similar situations. In the past I have tried to understand my daughter but I just can't "wrap my brain around it". This site will be a great resource for us!

[Mutt]

I can relate feeling isolated. You're not alone