Who Does This? Bizarre.

[borderpatrol]

After an eight month relationship with a woman who turned out to be a classic borderline in every way, who left my head spinning, heart broken, and bewildered it was finally over.

I seen the unraveling of her twisting and distorting ways, the alcohol and Xanax abuse, and many other episodes which eroded our relationship. I was able to maintain the last 12 days of no contact until at 11:30 last night I get a text.

The text contains two pics of her with her arms around a woman who I have never met.

"As crazy as this seems, I know the perfect woman for you" She provides name, tells me to creep her facebook, goes on to list all her good qualities and ends it with "I'm sad we didn't work out". 

I don't reply and 15 mins. later a second text states "I could never be what you really want or need. I'm a project."

I don't reply and 10 mins later " I'm a catch, I usually have a ring on my finger in less time. Or a baby... .I guess they know to lock me down... I couldn't even get daily I love yous outta you.

I don't reply 12 mins later "She came by to see me at work today an old friend, she is like her pictures, you don't want me, I want to see you happy, she is more of a fit"

I don't reply 10 mins later " She is bright, educated, accomplished"

I dont reply 5 mins later " No baggage, self supported, successful... Everything I am not"

Finally I give in and reply " Why did you contact me, haven't you caused enough trauma?"


Response: "Like I said thought of you today and your perfect match walked in, I'm not the one for you and we both know it"

I don't reply 5 mins later "I could never shake the feeling you were ashamed of me, I always told you you've never dated someone like me"

I finally just shut my phone off. This is all from a 45 year old woman, who broke it off with me before Thanksgiving!

I did look up the friend on Facebook and she lives out of state. I have no idea where all this came from so dam Bizarre. I do not wish to engage her and hopefully she doesn't reach out again. I feel like I am in a weird dream!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sounds like she was high on something or drunk.  Maybe she was hoping for you to plead for a recycle with her.  Disordered and Damaging. A return to NC is your best way forward.

[Trog]

Block. Re-engaging. 45? She sounds like a teenager!

It is bizarre and you don't need it. Stay strong

[fromheeltoheal]

Could be motivated by shame.  Whatever happened between you was enough to end the relationship and have you end up here, and shame is at the core of the disorder.  So she feels badly about herself and what went down, so she's trying to fix it by setting you up with someone, to alleviate guilt and soothe that shame.  One possibility, you know her, see if it fits.  Take care of you!

[borderpatrol]

Could be motivated by shame.  Whatever happened between you was enough to end the relationship and have you end up here, and shame is at the core of the disorder.  So she feels badly about herself and what went down, so she's trying to fix it by setting you up with someone, to alleviate guilt and soothe that shame.  One possibility, you know her, see if it fits.  Take care of you!

Thanks interesting perspective, I often thought that she harbored shame and projected it towards me, like I was the cause of it. I was also thinking about poor impulse control, if I was thinking her thoughts, I don't think I'd actually follow through and send them.

[Tim300]

It seems like the pwBPD is acting like you ended it, and now she's trying to get you to re-enter the relationship with her.  In any event, I would keep NC or LC.  Her comment about the ring on her finger is very disturbing -- I wonder how many guys she has cajoled into proposing to her, before abusing each one relentlessly after a couple months of being engaged.  At age 45, good luck to her with such games; hopefully nobody else will propose.     

[enlighten me]

Probably wrong but my take on it is she wanted a reply like this.

I dont want someone else. Its you I want. Im sorry I did/ didnt do/ say ( fill in as appropriate).

Please take me back.

[borderpatrol]

It seems like the pwBPD is acting like you ended it, and now she's trying to get you to re-enter the relationship with her.  In any event, I would keep NC or LC.  Her comment about the ring on her finger is very disturbing -- I wonder how many guys she has cajoled into proposing to her, before abusing each one relentlessly after a couple months of being engaged.  At age 45, good luck to her with such games; hopefully nobody else will propose.     

Acting like I ended it was exactly what I was thinking, like some sort of role reversal. She was divorced, then engaged 2 times after over the last 3 years. Was really pushing the engaged thing with me, just like the I love you after only 3 weeks of knowing me. These were all red flags for me, but I was seduced by the victim role always playing on my good nature, but my gut always knew something was off. Still makes the heart hurt though none the less!

[borderpatrol]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I really have no one to discuss things with that keep replaying in my head. I try not to be a defeatist but this relationship did a number on me.

[eyvindr]

I agree, enlighten me. This rings true:

Probably wrong but my take on it is she wanted a reply like this.

I dont want someone else. Its you I want. Im sorry I did/ didnt do/ say ( fill in as appropriate).

Please take me back.

Stay strong, bp.

[Tim300]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I really have no one to discuss things with that keep replaying in my head. I try not to be a defeatist but this relationship did a number on me.

We understand.  I'm in the same boat now myself.

Pat yourself on the back for not getting engaged.  Mine pushed for engagement.  She calling me "cruel" for not purchasing the ring she selected within 5 weeks of her showing it to me at a store (she went back to the store and confirmed that I hadn't purchased it yet).  And then during one of our breakups, she relentlessly pursued me to get re-engaged, promising to change her behavior.  Ultimately, just before her final discard of me, she told me "I was surprised by your proposal.  I mean, we went ring shopping, but I didn't think you were going to propose."  So I guess this is the history re-write she can tell all the future guys, that "He proposed but I was never really interested"; even though she had begged for it.  Also, I think the re-write is to lessen her shame in discarding me for a new guy without a legitimate reason.      

[eyvindr]

Tim,

The similarities are uncanny. (As usual... .)

My ex didn't start the full-court engagement press until 6 months in -- but from then on, for the next three years, including 2 break-ups, it never was far below the surface and erupted often.

While she waited a bit for that, I should add that about 3 months in, she pulled a pregnancy scare -- complete with positive tests! As I'd had a vasectomy some 10 years earlier, this came as quite a shock. I had to persuade her to go to a doctor to have an actual blood test, which of course came back negative. The doc said sometimes the store-bought pee sticks throw false positives due to some meds. I've always given my ex the benefit of the doubt on this one, but I'd be lying if I were to say I've never wondered if that might've been an early control play.