Helping someone else break from a BPD relationship when I am in one

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A long-time friend has many of the signs of BPD. He was someone I was head-over heels for, for a long time (15 years). There is still a lot of pain there for me.

He was in a relationship with a woman with BPD this past year. He has said he wants out, and then goes back in for the reasons that we do (excitement, trying to recover that high of seeming to be understood, and the unfiltered statements she makes about him--he loves feedback). We go for walks and he talks through things, a lot about how he experiences her BPD behavior and how it hurts him and excites him and that he wants out, feels stupid for going in, is worried that he made her personality disordered, etc.

I try to give responses that support his leaving while remaining understanding of the process of disengagement. So I listen, bit my tongue when he talks about going back in, think of all the analogies I can that resonate with him so he will really leave.

And all the while I am torn up. The things that she does to him that he hates, he did to me. The splitting, the black and white thinking, the emotional intensity and self-abuse I have seen and heard. Sometimes he will say things that show he recognizes that he hurt me and that it must have been hard for me. But not often.

I tell him that I understand the ambivalence because I do, I experience it still with him. And I think that my position that he needs to leave is mixed up with my not leaving him. It seems hypocritical.

I guess I really need to start "talking" about this relationship and how I have let it screw me up. This is a start.

[phxrising]

A long-time friend has many of the signs of BPD. He was someone I was head-over heels for, for a long time (15 years). There is still a lot of pain there for me.

He was in a relationship with a woman with BPD this past year. He has said he wants out, and then goes back in for the reasons that we do (excitement, trying to recover that high of seeming to be understood, and the unfiltered statements she makes about him--he loves feedback). We go for walks and he talks through things, a lot about how he experiences her BPD behavior and how it hurts him and excites him and that he wants out, feels stupid for going in, is worried that he made her personality disordered, etc.

I try to give responses that support his leaving while remaining understanding of the process of disengagement. So I listen, bit my tongue when he talks about going back in, think of all the analogies I can that resonate with him so he will really leave.

And all the while I am torn up. The things that she does to him that he hates, he did to me. The splitting, the black and white thinking, the emotional intensity and self-abuse I have seen and heard. Sometimes he will say things that show he recognizes that he hurt me and that it must have been hard for me. But not often.

I tell him that I understand the ambivalence because I do, I experience it still with him. And I think that my position that he needs to leave is mixed up with my not leaving him. It seems hypocritical.

I guess I really need to start "talking" about this relationship and how I have let it screw me up. This is a start.

[Mutt]

Hi phxrising,



I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s with a person with personality disorder traits can be traumatic and confusing.

I'm sorry if I have this wrong.

You didn't know he was BPD? He said she's BPD and the behaviors were what connected the dots with what you experienced with him?

[phxrising]

So complicated, isn't it? Trying to explain to other friends and family about my relationship with this guy I would always say "it's complicated."

My friend has many behavioral traits of someone with BPD, although he has not been diagnosed. His ex/girlfriend has BPD. I never thought of BPD for him. I have my own issues, so thought, when he would split, that I did something wrong. He would tell me that our relationship troubles were all my fault. Even when he would blame himself, it was still me. For example, it was his shortcoming that he couldn't tolerate my stupidity.

I still keep expecting him to turn and start berating me again. That is really the hardest part, feeling on edge and hesitant to trust.