She wanted to know all about my abusive past (childhood)

[misty_red]

There’s one thing I don’t understand, maybe some others have a clue.

My exgfBPD was so good in making me trust her at a very soon time in the relationship that I let slip that I had some abusive experiences in childhood. She always seemed fascinated by it and always wanted to know everything about it. When it happened, who the one was abusing me, what happened etc. She always seemed so curious by it. It took me a long time to finally let out all of it because there were some things you just don’t easily talk about. First I thought she was just being interested in my past because she was interested in me, because she wanted to comfort me and be there for me. But I also sensed some kind of excitement rising in her whenever I talked about it. Like a bystander watching a crime scene or something, I sometimes thought she would get some rush out of it. It was weird – especially she never liked talking about her abusive past, always avoided it (which was fine by me, I didn’t push it). Only some days before the final discard she said to me „If you want to tell me EVERYTHING about your abusive childhood don’t be ashamed of doing so. I’ll be there for you, I’ll be listening.“, first I didn’t want to. I was too afraid of it. On the one hand I felt like she could use it on me in worse times (some gut-feeling I guess), on the other hand I am ashamed of many things that happened so yeah. So I didn’t have the guts to tell her. So I said „Noo, it’s better if I don’t tell you.“ Yeah, I was a bit harsh but only because the minute before she told me I could tell her everything she triangulated me with a guy (she told me about him, blabla) and hurt me deeply. I didn’t push her away or something, I just didn’t want to tell her and I guess my words came out a bit harsh because I was hurt – anyway, whatever, we’re all human after all. So because of my words she stormed off, ranted something about „Fine, if you don’t want to then I’m leaving now. Goodbye.“ So I ran after her, apologized, cried and she turned nice again. We sat on a bench, I told her everything and cried a lot. By that time she seemed very caring, stroked me and always said „If you’re uncomfortable if I’m touching you like this you have to tell me!“ – just to explain her words: as I said before, right before this happened she triangulated me with some guy, told me she didn’t want to make out with me anymore (we were already broken up but had some kind of „friends with benefits-thing“ going on) because it would feel like she’s having two strings to one’s bow and didn’t want that – btw: the guy was gay and she only made out with him once for fun’s sake. Anyway.

In the end it exactly felt like she used all the information of my abusive childhood against me. She knew all my triggers and when she finally discarded me she pushed every single ___ing trigger-button. I don’t know if she did it on purpose/consciously or not, I don’t know if she really genuinely cared about me any my past or really just used it against me. But it is just so weird… I always thought they didn't want to be confronted with our problems because it would make them feel uncomfortable because of not knowing how to react appropriately. For example: some time before the final discard some friend of me committed suicide and I wrote her. I was very upset, wanted to see her, but she was so cold and didn't even acknowledge the death in her response via text. So I felt very desperate, begged her for a meeting and the only thing she would answer: "I feel like you want me to make my life dependent on yours. Like I always have to come around and do what you want to do, like it's always about you. Like I am not allowed to have a life of my own.". I think she often tried to make me feel like I was the one suffering from BPD (which I really am not, I even got it "tested" because in the end I felt like turning crazy).

So why asking about my problems when in reality being uncomfortable in reacting to it? I mean, she showed many times that she couldn't react to it properly. Does this mean the one time she seemed caring she was only playing me and using the information? I don't unterstand it. Did someone experience similar things?

[Blimblam]

My ex was happy if I opened up to her very varying and appreciative that I did. I opened up fully. In my experience it was about trust she wanted to trust me and if I could trust her she would feel more inclined to trust me.

I don't believe my ex wanted to use it against me. Although even early on she would "jest" in little hurtfuly ways then say she was just kidding. I provides her a sense of self so she wanted to feel in control of herself and that's how she was determining her level of being able to trust me if i was being honest. It is kind of twisted I you think about it. Each of those sides of her were compartments of her personality a kind caring compartment that desires trust with it's own voice, and sadistic side with it's own voice. It's as if she had

Various compartments of her personality each with ther own voice in her head and when triggered took control of her person.

[Trog]

Yes, this also happened to me. I explained what had happened to me as a child and it was often used against me and once screamed out loud at a NYE party in front of total strangers, one of the most embarressing and angry nights of my life. She wanted to know what had happened to me in all kinds of trauma but they came out to be used against me in arguments and used as reasons to not want to visit my family... .of course. These people really are just total &&^^$$% and not worth out time, they collect ammo to hurt you with and blame you for every problem is their lives. Turn the focus onto you, they will make you feel bad about yourself for as long as you let them, with no let up and never an ounce of self-realisation.

Its incredibly painful to be abused in this way and I'm sorry that it happened to you, you trusted the wrong person you have to try and understand why you got into this relationship without being harsh on yourself. I have continually tried to trust the wrong person and I'm not great at spotting dangerous situations because I don't want to hurt the other person.

[Tim300]

In the end it exactly felt like she used all the information of my abusive childhood against me. . . . Did someone experience similar things?

A few months after getting engaged I mentioned some personal stuff to my pwBPD and she almost immediately (within 10 minutes) used it against me in a verbally abusive way.  I was floored.  Stunned by the cruelty.  Speechless.  Seems like only a sociopath would do this.