I love her but I cant live like that anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She wanted me to still be in her life after she broke up with me and I told her no and haven't talked to her since. I can't live a life with being constantly on edge. I can't live a life with all that emotion. I can't be with someone who I give 110% of my time and effort to help them just for them to throw it away like it was nothing. I can't be with someone who can't live without chaos. I can't be with someone who screams at me, and constantly pushes and pulls me. One minute she is screaming at me projecting her inner demons on me, the next she is crying telling me how much she loves me, and the next she is running off with some new guy still wanting me in her life. What could I possibly gain from being in her life besides a permanent position of being her emotional punching bag.

She probably talks badly about me to her friends and family but they don't know my side. I am not the crazy one. I was crazy for staying in a relationship like that for so long. I love her and wish she could find peace but for my own sanity, health and even my future children I need to keep her as far away from me as possible. The hurricane came, did its damage and left. No point in throwing myself back into it.

Be gone FOG!

[antonio1213]

She wanted me to still be in her life after she broke up with me and I told her no and haven't talked to her since. I can't live a life with being constantly on edge. I can't live a life with all that emotion. I can't be with someone who I give 110% of my time and effort to help them just for them to throw it away like it was nothing. I can't be with someone who can't live without chaos. I can't be with someone who screams at me, and constantly pushes and pulls me. One minute she is screaming at me projecting her inner demons on me, the next she is crying telling me how much she loves me, and the next she is running off with some new guy still wanting me in her life. What could I possibly gain from being in her life besides a permanent position of being her emotional punching bag.

She probably talks badly about me to her friends and family but they don't know my side. I am not the crazy one. I was crazy for staying in a relationship like that for so long. I love her and wish she could find peace but for my own sanity, health and even my future children I need to keep her as far away from me as possible. The hurricane came, did its damage and left. No point in throwing myself back into it.

Be gone FOG!

[jhkbuzz]

Everything you said is spot on. 

How long was the r/s?  And how long since the b/u and n/c?

[antonio1213]

Everything you said is spot on. 

How long was the r/s?  And how long since the b/u and n/c?

The r/s was a short 2.5 years compared to others on here. But I feel like I went through 40 years worth of emotions in that short time (months of pushing and pulling, anger, love, suicide talk and depression).

And it has been 4 months since both the b/u and n/c. I have been strict NC since day 1. She reached out to me some but I refused it all

[jhkbuzz]

Everything you said is spot on. 

How long was the r/s?  And how long since the b/u and n/c?

The r/s was a short 2.5 years compared to others on here. But I feel like I went through 40 years worth of emotions in that short time (months of pushing and pulling, anger, love, suicide talk and depression).

And it has been 4 months since both the b/u and n/c. I have been strict NC since day 1. She reached out to me some but I refused it all

2.5 years is still a long time, my friend.  How are you feeling?

[christin5433]

Seriously you have to get to a place of that's it? I hear you I felt like I was aging big time. I had to get a mouth piece from grinding my teeth.  I had alopecia where you lose patches of hair... .that was from her pulling my hair once which triggered a trauma to my hair. It was like I never slept. Constant PTSD symptoms even though I'm a super healthy person . Aging rapidly

[antonio1213]

Everything you said is spot on.  

How long was the r/s?  And how long since the b/u and n/c?

The r/s was a short 2.5 years compared to others on here. But I feel like I went through 40 years worth of emotions in that short time (months of pushing and pulling, anger, love, suicide talk and depression).

And it has been 4 months since both the b/u and n/c. I have been strict NC since day 1. She reached out to me some but I refused it all

2.5 years is still a long time, my friend.  How are you feeling?

Quite honestly I jump between feelings of loneliness, missing her, happiness, and obsession. Not the most healthy but I get one step closer to moving on everyday. I made the mistake of not talking to a single person about how bad my relationship was throughout it so I have a lot of unresolved anger and built up emotions but I am getting rid of them slowly.

Writing down the hell I went through in the relationship has really helped me realize just how bad it was for me and get over her.

[jhkbuzz]

Everything you said is spot on.  

How long was the r/s?  And how long since the b/u and n/c?

The r/s was a short 2.5 years compared to others on here. But I feel like I went through 40 years worth of emotions in that short time (months of pushing and pulling, anger, love, suicide talk and depression).

And it has been 4 months since both the b/u and n/c. I have been strict NC since day 1. She reached out to me some but I refused it all

2.5 years is still a long time, my friend.  How are you feeling?

Quite honestly I jump between feelings of loneliness, missing her, happiness, and obsession. Not the most healthy but I get one step closer to moving on everyday. I made the mistake of not talking to a single person about how bad my relationship was throughout it so I have a lot of unresolved anger and built up emotions but I am getting rid of them slowly.

Writing down the hell I went through in the relationship has really helped me realize just how bad it was for me and get over her.

I still feel all of what you feel, but it's like the intensity is lessening... .it's hard to explain.

I didn't breathe a WORD to anyone about what was going on... .for 4 long years.  A misguided sense of loyalty, coupled with embarrassment.  I pick and choose who to talk to very carefully, and I have a T now - and it's made a world of difference.

[Madison66]

Hey, Antonio! I got out of my 3 year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf fourteen months ago. It was a struggle to maintain n/c, but I willed myself thru it to a much happier life today!

Even though it feels like a struggle, you sound like you are in touch with your feelings. That's hard stuff! And, those feelings may seem unhealthy but you're in a way healthier spot being out of that chAotic mess! Keep it up! You are doing great!

[christin5433]

Yeah it's quite amazing how loyal we are to the sick person which to me reflects my own sickness. Why did I stay so quiet? I would tell a couple very tight lipped friends my situation on a weekly basis and when the end happened they were like... .What did you expect from a mentally ill person? My problem I stayed for this knowing it and thinking I couldn't leave her because it would be wrong ... .My guilt.

Well it's over now time to keep moving forward.

[Technique]

I'm four months out now and very much on the road to healthy recovery.

I would however be a liar if I said I never thought about her, missed the 'good' side of her, felt a somewhat sadness that she is no longer mine. I have fleeting thoughts that I should call or text her, see if she wants to meet up.

The reality of the situation soon takes over though and I  realise its simply part of the process of grieving for the relationship.

Our time together was super intense, as many are with these people. What keeps me on the path of no contact? The knowledge that I am far better than the way she treated me near the end. She had her chance and she's not going to get another...

There are millions of wonderful/kind/undamaged people in the world and I WILL find one who deserves me, that goes for all of you...

[antonio1213]

Thanks everyone for the kind words!

I am  getting better. Sometimes I do think of her with my replacement and I get a pit in my stomach but I am obsessing less and less and focusing on myself.

My biggest regret throughout the entire relationship was that I never once told anybody anything and I kept my emotions in (though they started to slip toward the end). If I had talked to people around me things would have been so much better and I could have gotten out sooner and worked on myself.

A week or two ago I wrote down pages of stuff she had done and I started to cry. I didn't cry because of what she did I cried because I let myself go through all of that. I should have left at the first    and never taken so much damage without speaking to anyone and putting a mask over the relationship pretending like it was perfect.

[christin5433]

Thanks everyone for the kind words!

I am  getting better. Sometimes I do think of her with my replacement and I get a pit in my stomach but I am obsessing less and less and focusing on myself.

My biggest regret throughout the entire relationship was that I never once told anybody anything and I kept my emotions in (though they started to slip toward the end). If I had talked to people around me things would have been so much better and I could have gotten out sooner and worked on myself.

A week or two ago I wrote down pages of stuff she had done and I started to cry. I didn't cry because of what she did I cried because I let myself go through all of that. I should have left at the first    and never taken so much damage without speaking to anyone and putting a mask over the relationship pretending like it was perfect.

Hang in there your a good person so far when I read and follow certain people for the most part the honesty is so gut level uve got to be a pretty strong person to go thru a life w a Bpd. I surrender even though I still feel the fight in me to hang on or bargin w myself that I wish I could have been stronger or better or just could beat this disorder . It's not humanly possible . Take charge and keep saying its over sometimes it's l can do to shut off my chatter box in my head. It takes us all we got to get detached from what we got ourselves in.

[janey62]

Hi antonio,

I'm one month today clear of a 2.5 year relationship with a pwdBPD, and feel battered and bruised still, but have maintained no contact, blocking his emails and calls. 

I can understand why you didn't tell anyone.  We all want others to think we're ok, that we didn't make an awful mistake and that we're in control of our lives.  I did tell friends and family what was happening but found that I began to minimise it because naturally they couldn't understand why I would put up with this and all wanted me to leave.  I think I felt more alone because I felt their disapproval and yet couldn't walk away.  It got very difficult in the end and I tended to keep it to myself, only reporting the good stuff, especially with my son, I told him less and less because he was very protective.

I can recognise all of what you've said.  Mine kept threatening suicide to keep me with him, but also kept leaving me and then coming back. In the end I was a nervous wreck and look back now and can't believe what I let myself go through. 

I think whether we tell others or not in the end doesn't make a lot of difference, it was still living hell and very hard to leave because on some levels it was truly wonderful.  Such a mix up!

We all need to stay strong and support each other now with the aftermath. 

You sound very clear about how you feel and that is good, and not easy I know.  I think it's important to work through and acknowledge the ups and downs we are bound to go through.  It was like an addiction and some days we will have cravings!  Best to bring those out in the open... . 

[jhkbuzz]

I'm four months out now and very much on the road to healthy recovery.

I would however be a liar if I said I never thought about her, missed the 'good' side of her, felt a somewhat sadness that she is no longer mine. I have fleeting thoughts that I should call or text her, see if she wants to meet up.

The reality of the situation soon takes over though and I  realise its simply part of the process of grieving for the relationship.

Our time together was super intense, as many are with these people. What keeps me on the path of no contact? The knowledge that I am far better than the way she treated me near the end. She had her chance and she's not going to get another...

There are millions of wonderful/kind/undamaged people in the world and I WILL find one who deserves me, that goes for all of you...

^^^^^^^^^

[risingup]

Yes, I agree, that all sounds spot on. The push/pull is the worst and it's very confusing and hurts so bad! How long did it take for you to realize enough is enough? I am almost 1 month out of my horrible relationship with my BPD ex and it's the 3rd time we have broken up. I really just couldn't handle it anymore. I got to the point of having to leave to save my own sanity and I'm struggling a lot with this! Any advice you can give me?

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, I agree, that all sounds spot on. The push/pull is the worst and it's very confusing and hurts so bad! How long did it take for you to realize enough is enough? I am almost 1 month out of my horrible relationship with my BPD ex and it's the 3rd time we have broken up. I really just couldn't handle it anymore. I got to the point of having to leave to save my own sanity and I'm struggling a lot with this! Any advice you can give me?

Yes - go no contact. Don't cave in the the desire to contact - you will feel it, but it will pass.  I am 6 months post b/u and 4 months n/c. Though I'm still processing and grieving somewhat I feel soo much better.  You can't grieve and move on if you're still "in it."  Don't get back in it.