Handicapped by uBPD mom... Can I ever be who I want to be?

[MiserableDaughter]

I am 35. Married for 12 years... .Mom of a gorgeous 2 year old boy. I'm a lawyer. I have MS. My 40 year old husband had a heart attack last year, mostly due to the stress caused in our marriage by ... .Guess who? My uBPD mom. I have limited contact, but my husband had always wanted me to go fully no contact. I've done limited contact and limited exposure to my son. I've always asked my husband if we can move far to another state, because I go crazy balancing my life with my mom in it... .Whatever I do, the first person who comes oh my mind is oh god, how can I avoid the drama my mom will create over this ? Just like she controlled me with guilt, drama, lies and obligation, she is trying to do to my innocent 2 year old son. My marriage is in shambles due to years of stress. I'm not minimally who I want to be. I feel like I'm 70. Like my stress has aged me by 35 years. My husband and I haven't had sex in years. He always said it was because I couldn't stand up to my mom that he was turned off. In reality I stood up multiple times and it worked for like a week and back to same. I have a husband who blames me even though I never sided with her. I just didn't confront her the way he would have. Bottom line... .My life is in shambles overall and I am not nearly who I want to be... .I can't completely cut her out but I can't always juggle living near her. My only solution is to move far away so maybe I can reinvent myself and focus on me, my husband and son. I can't even express all the impact and emotions. I've been in therapy for 7 years. Now my husband and I in couples therapy... .Just lost.  thanks for reading

[Kwamina]

Hi MiserableDaughter

I am very sorry to hear that you and your husband have been having these serious health issues and also for the troubles in your marriage. The two of you are also in couples therapy now, I really hope this will help you improve your relationship with your husband. How long have you been in couples therapy?

In reality I stood up multiple times and it worked for like a week and back to same.

What happened after you stood up? Did you perhaps feel guilty and let your mother get back in? Or did your mother perhaps intensify her difficult and abusive behavior until you reached a point that you couldn't take it anymore?

I can't completely cut her out but I can't always juggle living near her.

Not that I'm advocating NC, that decision is up to you, but why do you feel like you can't completely cut her out? Is it out of obligation or guilt? Or perhaps out of fear for what your mother might do to you or what would happen to her if you weren't there to support her anymore?

It seems like you were having a difficult day. How do you feel now that a day has passed?

[polly87]

Hi MiserableDaughter, what an awful situation. I´m sorry that your mother puts such pressure on your marriage.

I´m wondering who you would like to be? What comes to mind if you give it some thought? Is it possible to actually move far away? Do you think this would help (since she would still be able to call and email you)?

I wouldn't advise to simply go NC but like Kwamina I wonder what you'd feel if you went NC. Would you miss her? Would you feel guilty? Please remember that these problems are not your fault. You deserve a peaceful and happy life even if this means going NC (for some time or forever).

I went through two hellish years before I went NC with my uBPD mother. I moved 200 km away from my home town. I'm still homesick but I'm so glad I did this. She cannot give me trouble in the present anymore. It is just the past that I have to come to terms with (which is not as easy as it seems).

Maybe, if and when you ever go NC, you will notice that you feel freer and you'll know you made the right decision. If you miss her, you can always call her and get back in touch.

I wish you the strength to explore what you actually want and to do it !

[HappyChappy]

Sounds like you’ve had a lot thrown at you, MS and BPD mother. But despite all that, you appear to have achieved quiet highly by most people’s standards. I understand law exams are among the hardest to pass, and you have 12 years of marriage and counting, which by today’s fickle standards is no mean feat. Sounds like you deserve a break, as you indicated in your post. If you go NC, doesn’t need to be forever.

My only solution is to move far away so maybe I can reinvent myself and focus on me, my husband and son. I can't even express all the impact and emotions.

Why not go far away on a family holiday and test your theory ?  Wishing you peace. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Thanks for all of your replies. I think I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt of NC. My mom is 63 and dad 71, and I couldn't see myself doing that to them despite the pain they've caused. I know id be better off but I still can't do it... .

Yes, from the outside I seem quite successful. I'm a lawyer, have a beautiful son, a big house etc. But yet, she takes the joy away from all of that. One giant issue I've had with my husband is that I've always wanted to move away from here. But he refused and wanted to stay and have me fight. He continued to buy a townhome, and then a house here. I was so bummed Everytime we did these things because I felt shackled. Another nail in the coffin... .So he's always complained that I've never been happy, but yet we've never done what I begged for. He's realizing this now. He's realizing that he put houses, wealth, career, and "winning" before me. My mom always said that he'd amount to nothing, so he wanted to be nearby and throw it in their face that he was so successful. But yet I kept dying inside... .

Now he says, ok let's move... .And maybe we will soon. So much has been taken away from me because of her. For once I want to live my own life. How would I be different? Ohhhh a lot more confident... .My mind not always distracted... .Not seething at her trying to possess my son. Yes I know there would be emails and messages and bloody FaceTime. I think there are way too many modes of contact these days btw. Can't even avoid someone that you want to!

I'd enjoy just being at peace with me and my husband. Id go out with just him and leave my son with a sitter without my moms guilt of "you don't need a sitter! We will watch him!" Ohhhh there would be a lot of things that would be different.

It's amazing just how much they affect our lives... .it's sad. I grieve not having a mom that didn't look beyond herself... .That's never looked at me for me but only a pinky extension of herself. How does one go through so much and yet still feel guilt? Now she's screwing up my brothers life. She's made his fiancées mom the villain in her head and keeps sayujg she's gonna turn him against her... .She always has  a villain. I need freedom. I need to get away at least for some time and really live. I'm 35 and yet I feel like I've never ever lived... .

[polly87]

Hi MiserableDaughter, I'm sorry your husband hasn't supported your wishes the past years... .And how sad indeed that your mother continues to cause you pain.

Some of you will probably hate me for this, but I went NC with my grandma who is 87 (my uBPDm's mother) because she was always on my mother's side. She would pick fights with me and argue with me whenever I spoke to her. The same case for my aunts and uncles and cousins. I decided to break all ties with my mother's side of the family. It's been a relief. I'm not suggesting that you must go NC, but please consider that whatever your parents' age, if they are giving you such agony, you have the right to request peace. Only when you have peace, you can begin to heal. And it seems to me that you really need healing.

Wishing you strength.

[HappyChappy]

Is there somewhere you may like to live, where you could initially take the family on a long holiday ? That would be one step towards your goal. Being far from the madden crowed, may help you relax, better enviroment for planning ? May help step your hubby closer to the idea ? I'm also too physically close to my BPD, so I'm NC. But if my kids wheren't settled in school, I'd be off, down by the Sea and too far away to visit, so I'd stop being NC.  

[Ziggiddy]

Hi MiserableDaugter

How I feel for you.

All your sadness and frustration coupled with so much pain and dealing with such a difficult illness as MS - you really have a load on you don't you?

I suspect that it is not only your own dynamic with your mother or your husband's that is at play - you seem to be trying to juggle the dynamic that exists between them too.

Most problematic in your post I think is that you are feeling a sense of futility and overwhelm. You wish things were better in your life - you feel you should have gotten further in hopes and wishes for your future - which you feel is here now.

Well as far as your contact status with your mother, that really is up to you how to set that. it seems you have the conflict of not just your own ambivalence but of your husband wanting you to cease contact with her but still be visible to her. It is not exactly clear what he wants so it is difficult for you to negotiate a path that can satisfy both his desires and yours.

I really admire your diligence in going to counselling and I hope it is helping you. Do you feel it is? Have you been with the same counsellor the whole time? Does your husband feel it is helping?

I guess you might need to take some time to just look after you. Between your job - I imagine you have a heavy and taxing workload - your having such a young son, having the stress of the MS as well as a mother who seems to be quite dominant in your mind if not your life, you are probably clean worn out!

When in dealing with everyone else's problems are you being cared for, MiserableDaughter? Is there any where  or anyone safe that you can go to and just rest awhile? it's so hard to think clearly and make hopeful decisions when you're exhausted. If an actual vacation is not possible, is a change of scenery?

I know you want to move away and I can imagine you would feel relief at some distance between you and your mother - perhaps you could think it through one thing at a time?

Can someone other than your mother babysit your son a while? I know, believe me I KNOW how you feel in this - my mother pitched a battle when i decided my kids could stay with a friend rather than her for the first time ever this year. But it was worth it for them If it helps with your guilty feeling, can you imagine her treating him like she has treated you? Happy to make him feel guilty for not catering to her desires? I found that helpful. Also my friend was thrilled I stood up to my mum because she had wished to have my kids stay for such a long time.

And on the point of guilt - do you feel it is a genuine normal guilt that adjusts your behaviour/thinking or is it a guilt you were taught as a punishment? Do you really feel your mother has the right to keep on punishing you and by legacy, teach you to mercilessly punish yourself when she is not there? is that how you would do with your son?

Is it maybe possible to just feel the guilt and live with it? Tolerate its discomfort? Have I asked you enough questions yet?