How to Co-Parent with a BPD ex?

[JayReader27]

I have made the point of making extremely firm boundaries with my ex about how visitation is going to go. I am so afraid that he is going to do something to hurt our son or even kill him because of his past psychotic behavior. I apologize if that sounds mean but, my child is involved so I hope that is understandable. He has been abusive like "some" borderlines are known to be. He  has also tried to commit suicide in the car with me in it, and lied his way out of it. He's physically abused me while I was pregnant (all of this not reported expect for the accident. I didn't call the police I just ran), which was the last straw for me. So these past eight months I have gotten smart. I started to document everything, his social media (Suicide ideations in his post), our phone conversations, receipts for the things that I buy for our son, and lastly our email conversations. I only allow him to contact me through email, because I do not want him to harass me like he has done my mother. I was hesitant about allowing contact again after so efficiently breaking it off, but I felt that if I ever got into a custody battle with him for any reason that the court needs to see that I have tried to reason with him. I also wanted to be able to have proof that he is not to be trusted with unsupervised visitation of our son. I know that is very deceiving but, he has attempted to kill me twice so to me it is fair game. I have repeatedly told him that he needs help. I have said that in a nice way, and out of anger, this last time that I have suggested that he get help for our son. I did this in an email that I sent to him expressing my feelings that I needed to get out. He claimed that he was seeing a counselor but, I don't believe him at all. He also kept begging me for a picture of our son whom he has not seen, or done anything for at all. I told him no, that he is welcome to take pictures when he visits. But to me sending him a picture of our son is doing him a favor, and I want to make it clear that I will not be doing him any favors. He raged at me in an a very criticizing, very none descriptive apology email, and yes I said apology email(which I am not sure he wrote due to the absence of horrible grammar in the email). Then demanded a picture "Now I asked you for a picture of our son and you told me no. It would would be appreciated Now, Thanks!". How do I deal with his behavior? We have a child together and he is raging at me over a picture? It isn't like I said he couldn't visit. I feel like this Co-Parenting is never going to work. Any suggestions? I am scared to go to court because, he is great at lying his way out of things and the judge might grant him unsupervised visits. If that happens I will literally loose it!

Background on my ex, he is unstable in everything, Cant keep a job, often homeless/squatting, and uses others to survive or get by.

My Background I am in college again, moved back with my mum, and have been taking care of our son for two months now.

[livednlearned]

Hi JayReader,

I had a similar concern with my N/BPDx. He had a psychotic episode one night and I feared that he was going to kill my son and himself, hands-down the most terrifying night of my life. It took a long time to figure out how to live carrying around that level of fear and anxiety. The court eventually terminated visitation completely, so now I'm trying to sort through what my son (age 13) will feel not having his father in his life. N/BPDx wasn't very involved as a father, and according to a psych evaluation, my son didn't have a bond with his dad. But still, I feel that this will be something he has to work through one day, and it won't be easy.

One thing I was thinking while reading your post is that there is a difference between setting boundaries and feeling triggered. It sounds like you have good boundaries, but your ex is still able to trigger you. It can be easy to create a wall with someone who is abusive. But it's much harder to manage how we feel in responding to the trigger. That stuff takes a while. I was married for 10 years and it took me a while to learn how to manage my responses. In a strange way, the psychotic episode is what turned everything around. I realized I was not going to live in fear of this person any more. It's like I came as close to my worst fear as possible without it actually happening, and survived it, right through to the other side where I didn't feel fear anymore. 

You don't have to respond to requests for photos. Your ex sees your son, he can take pictures. No judge will fault you for that, especially since the court already summarized his behavior with fairly strong judgment.

Congratulations, too, on going back to college. I'm back in school too. It's a lot to be a mom and go to school, and I hope you're gaining strength every day as you heal.  

[JayReader27]

 

You don't have to respond to requests for photos. Your ex sees your son, he can take pictures. No judge will fault you for that, especially since the court already summarized his behavior with fairly strong judgment.

Congratulations, too, on going back to college. I'm back in school too. It's a lot to be a mom and go to school, and I hope you're gaining strength every day as you heal.  

We have not gone to court. As of right now he has no legal rights, because he has not requested to establish paternity due to his absences of my sons birth. I fear going to court because, they still might grant unsupervised visitation, since there is no police report of his abuse. Therefore I have been documenting everything trying to prove his unsafe behavior. I apologize for the confusion.