Can you attach to other people?

[Sofie]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to make a post about something that I have been wondering about for a very long time - most of my life, I guess - but which I only recently have had the guts to begin admitting to myself.

I grew up with a uNPD mother and an enabling/distant father in a dysfunctional household, and as an adult I have had several relationships to BPD women with whom I have been madly in love... .or at least I thought it was love at the time. I think I have recovered a lot from my childhood and now have a good and stable life - doing good career-wise, fit and healthy, have a lovely (non-BPD) girlfriend, friends, etc. So everything's rosy, right?

Well, the thing is - if I am to be completely honest - that I feel that I don't attach to other people. The only times I have felt truly attached to someone have been to the BPD girlfriends I have had, and I know now the many dysfunctional reasons behind this - how these relationships mirrored my childhood relationship to my mother and that this did not really have much to do with love.

But besides these relationships, I just don't connect to people - I actually have a lot of friends, several that I have known for many years, and I function well socially. Most people I associate with I think would say that I am out-going and likeable. The thing is... .and for some reason I find this extremely hard to write... .I don't really care about them. I feel like they are aliens to me and that I live in my own bubble - the majority of social interaction in my life feels like a game I play in order to be socially acceptable. I don't wish anyone harm, not at all - it's just as if I feel that no one really can reach me.

I often fantasise about moving into a cabin in the woods or the mountains and just living a hermit's life - I love animals and can totally picture myself living alone with my dogs not feeling the need for human company. I really, really find this weird - that I have almost zero need for human contact. I honestly do love my girlfriend, but it's taken me a long time to really grow "attached" to her, and in a way I think that part of why we click is that she is a loner, too. But I guess if we weren't together anymore, I don't think it would be too hard on me.

Can anyone relate to these feelings? I don't know why I find them so shameful and painful - maybe due to that they're so foreign to the "public persona" that I present and that they're so contrary to how a "normal person" should feel like, I guess.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Sofie,

I just wanted to say you are definitely not alone in feeling this way. Many people with a PD'd parent have difficulty with attachment. Have you seen this article? How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children Even though your mother has NPD, the findings are probably still applicable. There is a section on child attachment status. This part gives a good reason as to why children might develop problems with attachment:

The stress associated with borderline symptomatology (e.g., erratic or volatile behavior) causes children to simultaneously cling to and push away from their caregiver. In other words, in times of danger or stress, the child searches for the mother as a “secure base” to cling to, but in the case of a mother with BPD, it is often the mother herself who is posing the threat.

I have been doing a lot of work on opening up and learning to trust others, to develop deeper and more meaningful friendships. For many of us, this is difficult, since our primary (parental) relationships were so unstable. Sometimes there could also other things going on (e.g., dissociation, autisum spectrum disorders, etc.). Have you ever talked with a therapist before about how you feel about the depth or quality of your relationships with other people?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Turkish]

I often fantasise about moving into a cabin in the woods or the mountains and just living a hermit's life - I love animals and can totally picture myself living alone with my dogs not feeling the need for human company. I really, really find this weird - that I have almost zero need for human contact. I honestly do love my girlfriend, but it's taken me a long time to really grow "attached" to her, and in a way I think that part of why we click is that she is a loner, too. But I guess if we weren't together anymore, I don't think it would be too hard on me.

I can relate to being a hermit. That's my end of life dream (after I make a trip to Antarctica), to retire in a cabin in the woods on 100 acres, preferably surrounded by government land on all sides. My companion, I imagine, something like my avatar.

Christine Ann Lawson, when writing about the Borderline Mother, says that the Hermit's dominant emotional state is fear. Though I have some fleas (traits), I'm not BPD, but I can't help but think how much of that I picked up from my mom, or even my early life before she adopted me, due to being in a few homes. At 2.4 years of age, she observed me not needing much interaction, and then she was surprised that I accepted her as my new mom so quickly. She thought she'd have problems, as quite a few adoptive parents seem to. My uBPDx calls herself a hermit. It surprised me that after a while, I found that I was the social and more gregarious one. She even called me a "social butterfly" once.

I wonder if it is something like fear, or if in my case (or yours), it's just that we grew up lonely children and learned to self-soothe. People are great. I like people. But I think I would do fine alone, too. I love my little kids to pieces, but sometimes a thought crosses my mind, "what if for some reason they never came back, how would I feel?"

I think it's interesting what you say about your gf. Unlike many of the stories I've read on the Leaving Board, I find that I was never head over heels in love with the mother of my children. I loved her, sure, but I can't honestly say I was "in love," (I knew she was difficult in the beginning).

As for my BPD Hermit-Waif mother, I escaped on my 18th birthday. We have a decent r/s now, with some distance (talking about every 3-4 weeks, and seeing her about every 3 months), but I also feel sometimes that I love her more out of duty, like that is what a good son should do. I drove 130 miles to support her for her two separate cancer surgeries spaced two years apart. The hospital staff kept saying what a good son I was to drive all that way (no big deal to me). I asked my mom why they were saying that and being a nurse herself for over 40 years, she said that there were a lot of crappy kids out there who wouldn't. So maybe in the end, my internal feelings only matter to me, and it's the behaviors (actions) which count more. I don't know... .

So now I'm counting down the next 16.5 years to when both kids are 18 and I can give them the *boot*, sell the house, and move out of state into the woods   They're more than welcome to come visit if they want to. My hybrid wolf "Ghost" won't mind.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Sofie,

I remember, about four years ago, watching a tear-jerker video on US military men and women returning home to their loved ones - spouses and children that absolutely fell apart with joy at their return. I remember thinking it was sweet, but then also realizing that there was literally nobody in my life that I would have the feelings/connection to welcome back in that way if they went absent from my life for a while.

It was a sobering realization and I really had no idea what to do with it. I had friends who meant a lot to me - ones I trusted, and who understood me well - but while I might miss them if they left, or died, I knew I wouldn't be heartbroken in the least. And, to my recollection, I hadn't felt that kind of connection/need/deep love about anyone at all since I was a very young child - I would have welcomed my dad home like that, maybe, before I was in elementary school. But nobody since then.

I'm married now, and a weird thing happened during our dating and engagement. There were times when we were talking, or just holding each other, when I could nearly physically feel his love breaking down something inside of me. He could always notice when this was happening, because I'd get very quiet and experience sort of dry sobs. Like crying, only somehow backwards. It was a very frightening feeling, but not a bad one. I've never had anything like it happen with anyone else, and it's one of the reasons I married him. He somehow got into a part of me that had been closed off for thirty years. And now, I know I would totally lose my dignity entirely if he had to go away for months and then came back home to me. I would fall apart just like the people in that video. I guess that's evidence of the connection you're talking about.

... .he's still the only one I feel anything remotely like that about, though.

[Pingo]

Hi Sofie, interesting thread.  I have a uBPD mom and enabler dad who was distant... .actually they both were distant and my mom was definitely the hermit.  I too felt a connection with my uBPDexh like no other person in my life, including other non-bf's and friends... .something I would imagine a child might feel with a loving, nurturing parent (which I did not have).  And like you & Turkish, I dream of one day giving my children the boot at 18 in order to go live in the woods! (I used to fantasise about being Grizzly Adams when I was little! ) I wonder, for myself, if it's a way to protect myself. Living a hermit lifestyle affords me safety. I don't have to take a chance and get hurt by people.  I've been rejected in so many different ways by different people through my whole life. The idea of living an isolated life in the middle of nowhere seems a pretty nice way to not have to risk more heartache.

[clljhns]

Hi Sofie,

This is an interesting topic! I thought about this for a while, because I know that I have had difficulty making attachments to people. For me it was fear of rejection that kept people at arms length. I feared that people would see how horrible and disgusting I was, for this is how I saw myself for many years. I also was afraid of being hut again. It was not easy to trust. I remember how I was always yelled at by my uBPDmom, and siblings if I didn't understand what they said and asked for clarification. I didn't know that they were unaware of how to express themselves clearly, or were just reacting to their own frightening emotions as so would spew out the first thing that came to mind. I thought is was normal for people to respond to you this way. My second husband also spoke to this way. When I was divorcing him, I was visiting friends and this situation arose. I didn't understand what my friend was saying and asked for him to repeat what he said and clarify. He did so calmly and in a normal tone of voice. It was the first time that I recognized this was a normal way of communicating and most importantly that I was not just an annoying pest, as I was always made to feel by my FOO. I think I also needed independence because my uBPDmom demanded that I remain dependent on her and not grow up. So, my difficulty in forming attachments has many facets, most I have worked through. I recently have made new friendships, but still don't know how to maintain a friendship with healthy people. This is all so new to me. But, it is just the next league in my journey!

Thanks for posting this question! Great food for thought.

Wishing you all the best on your journey!