Got a letter today, I am infuriated

[Targeted]

Targeted,

Yes, she is begging for the drama to continue. No apology here but "I miss you and all you did for me" so let me figure out how to get attention from you. I know I will say he is an alcoholic! That will get him stirred up. (Remember they have the maturity of a 3rd grader).

Last week when I wanted to contact my ex in a letter, I sent it to Hope and she dissected it for me. I got all my frustrations out. Do that on the board or you can send it to me, but don't contact her.

Looking at this from the outside, she is baiting you and if you don't latch on she has nothing to play with.

Ok,  I am going to respond to The letter but I will send it to you instead in a pm if that is really okay, she deserves no response from me personally,

[Infared]

I got a letter from my exgf today and I am not sad, I am so mad then I am crawling out of my skin, I am so thankful I am in control of my impulses because I feel like destroying something.

After all this time of no contact a letter came today in the mail,  here is what it said!

Hi targeted, I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You don't get to know someone for nine years and forget about them overnight. I hope your situation is improving, hindsight is always 2020, I found these pamphlets and pick them up for you, I don't know if you'll get them because everybody in your life is so controllingand dysfunctional but it brings me peace of mind, I spoke with my aunt that is head of the psych ward and she also mentioned projecting, and I thought of you and your addictions and friendships you choose, I wish you the best and I forgive you for the lying and emotional trauma!

The pamphlets were about alcoholism, me having a couple of beers gets magnified into me being a severe alcoholic, she seems to forget I did everything for her in her everyday life and enjoyed sitting down and having a beer with me at the end of the day as well, I know alcohol can be destructive but not as destructive as she is!   What do I do?   Mail her a letter and tell her how hateful she is?  How ungrateful she is ?   I want to lash out at her verbally right now and my blood is boiling!  I know that was her plan but I am thinking about picking up a pen and writing!  

Targeted... .No response just leaves her with herself. She sent that to bait you... .Any contact for a sick person is a win for them... .that is what she is looking for here. Don't play anymore.

I am in recovery... .12 yrs.  I an not trying to put you on the spot... .but I am going to ask anyway in the pursuit of totally honesty. Something in your post put my hair on end. It's about you though... .not her.

You use the phrase "having a beer", I believe you are referring to having many beers if I am reading this correctly.  :)o you feel a need to subliminally minimize "drinking" by saying having a beer?  I say this in an effort to help. I am not judging... .I went thru hell with all that.

i.e. Is there any validity in what she sent you?   Clearly she is using that to attack you and gaslight you... .and its abusive... .that is not love... .but I am reading between the lines here and asking a direct question.  Is there a drinking issue?  I denied mine for years. It's human.

Thank you very much For your concern, alcoholism is in my family and I have been aware of that since about 12 years old, I did not drink at that age but my father was a drinker and even with that he was a really great guy, but it did make him ignore me in certain ways that were hurtful and my mother started taking me to a program called al-Ateen which was for children about having alcoholism in your family, it was very helpful.  I know enough about myself and my addictive behaviour to know that alcohol can be A problem for me if I let it get out of control.  Last night I was so mad I could have slammed down a 12 pack without a problem but I keep these things in the forefront of my mind because I know where my flaws and weaknesses are in this matter, so there was no drinking. when we were together I would have three or four beers at the end of the day while doing all the work, I had to go grocery shopping and put the food away, then do the dishes from the day before when I was not there at her house, then I would have to go take care of the three horses which was two days worth of work because she did nothing when I wasn't there even though these are her animals, then I would have to cook dinner and eat and then clean up after dinner again and then go back out to the barn and bring the horses in.  This was about two hours extra work every day after my already 12 hour work day. I am not justifying drinking but I do not see three or four beers being a relationship dilemma, she expressed her concern over this so I had no problem cutting those few beers out of my day for her emotional comfort, she even told her therapists that she asked and I did it and she was very happy, after agreeing to not have beer at the house anymore she asked me to pick up a 12 pack of her favourite beer for her, I told you are confusing me because you said this is a problem and now you want me to buy beer!  She said well I'm not the one with the problem you are, and then brought herself home A 12 pack and came out to the barn to see me drinking one, I still stuck to my word and my V8 Splash!  This really is just something she can magnify and turn into a baseball bat to hit me with.  Alcoholism is definitely in my family, so I am sure it is definitely in my genetic make up, The counsellor that I see has known my family for over 20 years and is extremely helpful, my self awareness keeps me in control of it so it does not control me.  I think she should have given the pamphlets to her 20 year-old son Who is sitting home without a driver's license due to a DWI,  I thank you for posting this concern because it keeps my self awareness up.  

Thanks for the honesty!

I think putting your feelings down in writing and sending it to someone else (downwhim) will help you diffuse your need to react to her.

I identify with those feelings... .I tend to be very emotional, too... .but I think you are making good choices. I will bet you that you will see she will step her game up to get a reaction from you if you do not respond... just step back and watch.  If so... .you and she are in a dysfunctional dance... it is not healthy love... .its power and control... .which comes from uncentered, "love" situations.   Just my opinion... not a professional... or anything.  I think you are doing well with this!

[Targeted]

Infared

Thank you for everything, specially questioning me openly on something you saw. Alcohol can be enjoyed and also be very destructive.

[enlighten me]

Tell her you will read them when you sober up. 

[Targeted]

Tell her you will read them when you sober up. 

would that be breaking NC?

[enlighten me]

It amazes me the projection. The lengths they will go to to justify their behaviour.

Personally I would be mad at first but I have started to spin their behaviour to put a smile on my face. If my ex did that I would think someones desperate for enlighten me to get back in touch. How dissapointed she must be that I havent responded. I would then imagine her pacing up and down. Checking her phone, facebook, email and the mail box getting more and more irrate as I light a cigar with the pamphlet and sip a nice cold one.

[Targeted]

It amazes me the projection. The lengths they will go to to justify their behaviour.

Personally I would be mad at first but I have started to spin their behaviour to put a smile on my face. If my ex did that I would think someones desperate for enlighten me to get back in touch. How dissapointed she must be that I havent responded. I would then imagine her pacing up and down. Checking her phone, facebook, email and the mail box getting more and more irrate as I light a cigar with the pamphlet and sip a nice cold one.

Thank you, that made me smile. One reason is because I know that's exactly what she is doing.  I just know her that good. The Google plus account that I have I did not even know I had it, apparently it is much like Twitter or Facebook, I do not have anything on there, no pictures no posts nothing. It is my email address with a empty Blue Square, she added me to this account and posted some things about love and trust. I saw them but I did not respond and I am not deleting the account or blocking her from it, because I am sure she checks at 20 times a day to see if I had a reaction there. 

[enlighten me]

It is nice when you know how they will react to our inactions.

Now sit back and see what her next move will be.

I think we should start a sweepstake. I reckon it will be a message asking about something mundane like do you know where the jack is in the car.

[Targeted]

It is nice when you know how they will react to our inactions.

Now sit back and see what her next move will be.

I think we should start a sweepstake. I reckon it will be a message asking about something mundane like do you know where the jack is in the car.

Had those already!   But it was phrased as, did you steal my horse bridle? I know you stole the coupon for my horse riding lesson!  fact is she said she was giving that coupon to my daughter but never did it is in the trash pile that is her house!  she is going to have to get creative now,  I do not know what she is going to do nextbut I am sure a thread will come up from me soon about bordeline creativity!

[Ripped Heart]

My BPDgf has a set of keys to my house. Last time I went NC, that's how she started by asking where to send the keys, the moment I responded with just an address next came the suicide threats and begging me to speak to her. Things seemed quite normal for a few days and then she went back yesterday to having an outburst simply because I didn't answer the phone when she called.

It's definitely not worth it. Been NC for 2 days now because of outburst, tonight I got an email to tell me she was tired after a long drive and isn't feeling very well. Ignored that and had 3 blocked calls from her. I'm just not ready to speak to her right now but once you make the contact, the mind games start all over again. Not worth the hassle.

[Targeted]

Thank you Ripped Heart, I do not think I am ready to talk to my ex either even though I have a lot to say, at least for me and I'm sure others experience this during healing and detaching as well, you still have that small percentage of yourself that hopes they get help and maybe one day give you something to work with? Maybe realise themselves they actually are a large part of the problem and you meant enough to them to at least stick their toe in the water to make a attempt to change like in the posts from XIDION! I am still waiting for that small percentage of myself to fade away, in his thread it was a extremely brief recycle with sex and a break up for her to go get help, that recycle could have gone much worse for him, she could have smeared him with bogus abuse charges or even a bogus rape charge if she did not choose help, anything could have happened or nothing.  that is not a chance I am willing to take because even if nothing happens you still wind up just getting hurt!  If I meant something to my ex enough to make her get help she would have to SHOW me that without a break up, without sex, without the whole recycle! She can go get the help first and then maybe I will talk to her. But that little piece of me is fading away as I heal. I have to! That's all she is giving me to work on!

[Infared]

If we do not respond... .all the drama ends. For us. Simple.

[Tim300]

that recycle could have gone much worse for him, she could have smeared him with bogus abuse charges or even a bogus rape charge if she did not choose help, anything could have happened or nothing.  that is not a chance I am willing to take

I'm just terrified of my pwBPD at this point.  I never thought I would be terrified of someone, especially not this sweet, innocent-looking woman, but here I am.  I will not take my chances.  Also, I think my entire social network would disown me if I did take my chances at this point.

She can go get the help first and then maybe I will talk to her. But that little piece of me is fading away as I heal.

What's in it for you to even talk to her?  I mean, I wish in some way I could find some level of peace and friendship with mine, in the form of maybe a 30-minute in-person conversation and a hug, but otherwise, she (or anyone with BPD) has nothing to offer me.  You can't really be friends with them.  You can't trust them.  You can't procreate with them.  I would be deeply embarrassed to be seen with mine anywhere.  There's just nothing in it for me at this point.  I am still deeply hurt, confused, and disappointed about the last 2.5 years -- but I'm fully withdrawn about any hope of anything going forward (except maybe that 30-minute cordial conversation [never gonna happen though]).

[Targeted]

What would be in it for me?

I guess just happiness that she's getting help!  We have a long history and I am still a little attached, i'm working on that though.  45 days NC has helped, I can't wait to see what it looks like at 90