Getting someone to recognize BPD in themselves?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi!  I'm new to this site looking for some support.  My sister in law has never been diagnosed with BPD/NPD, but has significant challenges in her relationships and in holding jobs.  Some of her behaviors were so outside of the norm that I asked separate friends (one a psychologist, the other a psychiatrist) what they thought, and both suggested BPD as a possibility.  After doing online research, it seems there is a high degree of likelihood she has some form of BPD / NPD  (I have subsequently found that several years ago, another family member received identical feedback during a similar inquiry). 

My husband (her brother) is suggesting that he and I seek professional help in learning how to deal with her.  Her other relatives live on the other side of the country.  Her dad is her rock, but as he's getting older, it appears she is looking to her brother as heir apparent for that role. 

I can't help but feeling that getting BPD on the table would be of tremendous benefit for the whole family, to help us all learn communication strategies, to get appropriate DBT or other therapy, and even potentially for financial support (she is chronically unemployed/underemployed, and I have read that personality disorders may be considered disabilities under SS).  When her father has even broached the subject of her mental health, she has gone ballistic. 

Can anyone share their experience in getting the family member to realize there is a problem and seek treatment? 

Thanks!

[SisLaBPD]

Hi!  I'm new to this site looking for some support.  My sister in law has never been diagnosed with BPD/NPD, but has significant challenges in her relationships and in holding jobs.  Some of her behaviors were so outside of the norm that I asked separate friends (one a psychologist, the other a psychiatrist) what they thought, and both suggested BPD as a possibility.  After doing online research, it seems there is a high degree of likelihood she has some form of BPD / NPD  (I have subsequently found that several years ago, another family member received identical feedback during a similar inquiry). 

My husband (her brother) is suggesting that he and I seek professional help in learning how to deal with her.  Her other relatives live on the other side of the country.  Her dad is her rock, but as he's getting older, it appears she is looking to her brother as heir apparent for that role. 

I can't help but feeling that getting BPD on the table would be of tremendous benefit for the whole family, to help us all learn communication strategies, to get appropriate DBT or other therapy, and even potentially for financial support (she is chronically unemployed/underemployed, and I have read that personality disorders may be considered disabilities under SS).  When her father has even broached the subject of her mental health, she has gone ballistic. 

Can anyone share their experience in getting the family member to realize there is a problem and seek treatment? 

Thanks!

[Harri]

Hi sisLa.  Glad you found your way here though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you.

I wish I could say that I have heard of situations where a family was able to get a resistant uBPD to get help, but I can't or if it has happened I think it is very rare.  It is hard to get someone who is mentally ill to accept that they have issues and then to get help and then to follow through with it.  For therapy to work they have to accept that they have a problem and they have to want to get better.

The good news is that you, your husband and their father are willing to learn better ways to interact and communicate.  There are plenty of articles here on that and if you look at the very top of this board, you will see a post titled Lessons https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0 and within that list there are articles that can help.  Scroll down to the second post and there are links to specific articles that are aimed at better communication strategies and setting boundaries.  Right now, the best way for you to help her is to establish boundaries that will help and protect you and stop any enabling behaviors (if there are any).  

As for financial support through something like SSDI, there usually has to be documentation including a diagnosis and they will have to see effort at getting treatment.  (I just finished the process for physical impairments but I know the same is true for mental/emotional disabilities).  Have you checked out resources like SNAP (aka food stamps) and medicaid?  Contact your local community action center and or take a trip there and see what they have to offer her.  She may even qualify for SSI though i do not know of the requirements for that.  

I do wish you the very best of luck with this.  I hope I did not come off as all gloom and doom either.  There is hope, but that hope is for making things easier on you,your husband and father in law first and foremost.  

[clljhns]

Hi SisLaBPD,

I want to join Harri in welcoming you to the BPD Family!

I agree with Harri that I have not heard of cases where a person was confronted with possible mental illness and they accepted the help. I do think you should read the articles that Harri suggested and begin to learn a new way of communicating with her.

What really stands out to you in the articles that could help in communicating with SIL? Do you see any patterns in SIL that are identified in the articles?

Wishing you all the best, and looking forward to hearing from you.