Why do our kids with BPD insult us?

[Eggdad]

My 22 yo dd was dx BPD 2 years ago and has made enormous progress since. Lately she described to me the thought process that leads her to start lashing out at loved one.

When dd is in crisis and calls me for help, she will often end up yelling at me that I don't love her, that I was never there for her, that I take pleasure in toying with her feelings and watching her suffer, etc. In essence I'm the worst dad in the world and I caused all her problems. No one in this forum will be surprised with this, you've all been on the receiving end of these outbursts. I always thought dd was using me as a "safe" place to pour out accumulated frustration and anger that she doesn't know how to express in a healthy way. Not really, she tells me, this is what really goes on in my mind.

"When I'm losing it, I call you like a drowning person grabs a buoy. Then I feel stupid and ashamed because I can't handle the situation myself and I feel guilty because I'm forcing you into my drama. I know you will eventually have had enough of me... .I KNOW you will abandon me. I can't stand that thought so I have to make you into someone evil or useless to me to make the [perceived] loss OK. The warped logic becomes - You caused my problems so your abandoning me and getting out of my life is a good thing. "

For the first time I understand that's dd's "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment". She understands this, explains it eloquently, yet sometimes she still can't control it.

I just wanted to share this, it came as a shock to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Eggdad

Thanks for sharing this! It's true that many people with BPD really struggle with a fear of abandonment. Shame and guilt can be very powerful indeed as your daughter has made clear to you. It is very positive that she is able to see and describe what's going on inside her head. She still might not always be able to control it, but having this insight will definitely help her. Are there specific situations in which you think she struggles most with controlling herself?

I am very happy for you that your daughter has made so much progress since being diagnosed 2 years ago

[MammaMia]

Eggdad

I believe that pwBPD demean others for several reasons:  because they can, and because it makes them feel better about themselves. It boosts their ego to frighten or tell others they are failures, stupid, cannot do anything right, etc.  They are projecting the negative feelings they have for themselves on to others.

When pwBPD verbally abuse us, they feel good. We feel bad.  It is all about shifting blame, creating doubt, and controlling others. Their lives are so out of control, that anything they can do to gain control over someone else is a positive to them, and remorse is rarely an emotion they experience.

[Tamara96]

Thank you for sharing this. It is always helpful to have insight in the mind of BPD. I will reflect on this the next time I am on the receiving end of her lashing out.

[MammaMia]

It is important to not take these insults and accusations personally. It is a manifestation of this disorder and we all experience it like a broken record being played over and over.  With time it causes more sadness than anger.

Believe in yourself and do not let pwBPD convince you otherwise. They do not have a realistic view of who we are and what we have done to try to help them.  Nothing we do will ever be enough or make them happy, and we have to accept that.

[Eggdad]

MammaMia,

I certainly agree that the insults and accusations must not be taken personally, also that projecting their own negative self-jugement onto others plays a role. However I don't think there is any manipulation or ego boosting in a pwBPD's lashing out, or self injury for that matter.

Insulting others to make oneself feel better and manipulation are narcissistic traits, not borderline. My dd never felt good after lashing out at someone, on the contrary it made her feel shameful. I sincerely believe that pwBPD who are not also narcissistic do not manipulate. Their destructive impulsive behaviors are simply the best way they have at that moment to deal with their feelings, given their current skills. The behaviors are not manipulative because they are noit premeditated and don't have a longer term goal.

In the following article, Randi Kreger describes similarities and differences between borderline and narcissistic rages, in reading this I find my dd is very borderline but not at all narcissistic.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/blame-storms-and-rage-attacks-common-borderlines-narcissists

I'm thinking that the absence of narcissistic traits was an important factor for dd accepting her BPD diag and being willing too keep working at getting better despite the huge difficulties.

[MammaMia]

eggdad

Many pwBPD are also narcissistic.  In fact, BPD is often coupled with other ancillary issues, like paranoia, schizoaffective disorder, anxiety, and depression. This is what makes treatment so challenging.  

Rarely is it a black and white situation, i.e. BPD versus narcissism.  The degree of severity with BPD can also account for differences in behavior.  Some people wax and wane between feeling guilt for their rages and feeling entitled to rage.

It is not a "one size fits all" disorder, and it is very complex.

[Rapt Reader]

My dd never felt good after lashing out at someone, on the contrary it made her feel shameful. I sincerely believe that pwBPD who are not also narcissistic do not manipulate. Their destructive impulsive behaviors are simply the best way they have at that moment to deal with their feelings, given their current skills. The behaviors are not manipulative because they are noit premeditated and don't have a longer term goal.

My adult (37) son, who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013, is actually just like your daughter. He is not Narcissistic, though he does have co-morbid diagnoses (most of which are under control, now that he is in recovery): ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Hyperactive Thyroid. He'd had Suicidal Ideations and Substance Addiction (these are what eventually caused him to be admitted to the Dual Diagnosis Program where he was diagnosed with the BPD and subsequently treated), but those are gone now. He's been clean and sober for almost 23 months now 

In the following article, Randi Kreger describes similarities and differences between borderline and narcissistic rages, in reading this I find my dd is very borderline but not at all narcissistic.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/blame-storms-and-rage-attacks-common-borderlines-narcissists

I'm thinking that the absence of narcissistic traits was an important factor for dd accepting her BPD diag and being willing too keep working at getting better despite the huge difficulties.

My son has actually told me that he believes that the lack of NPD is why he was thrilled when he was finally diagnosed with the BPD--he was so happy to find out why he'd been so tortured and troubled for so long, that he couldn't wait to participate in the Therapies and treatments that have brought him into recovery. He's still continuing all of his various treatments and Therapies, and doesn't balk or complain, and is fully cognizant of how they help him and why he needs to continue.

I'm sure that co-morbid diagnoses, and which specific ones our children have, contribute to the many different ways in which they act out or act "in". It's never easy, though, for them or for us as their parents... .

Thanks for the link; I plan on checking it out