Expelling you in stages over many months

[oortcloud]

Has anyone else's exBPD expelled you from their life in stages (mostly using social media)?

After the discard (7 months ago now), mine unfollowed me quite literally everywhere online. Then that escalated to outright blocking me months later. Then last month, I decided to block her from Facebook because she had suddenly unblocked me from there for some reason. In response, she made ALL of her online accounts private.

While this was a blessing in disguise for me, what upset me the most is that she also blocked and deleted all of my friends who had nothing to do with our breakup. She also convinced a number of her friends to delete me from Facebook, which stung.

Some days I try very hard to understand this from a non's perspective, but end up driving myself around in circles. I guess this is a form of splitting? You're either all to them, or you're nothing? Spending so much energy to forget someone who did so much for you... .feels confusing and excessive to me

[Copperfox]

Yeah, mine also exhibited a lot of weird behavior on social media, that came in stages, even weeks or months after the breakup.  I pretty much ignored it, but it did seem immature and unnecessary to me.

BPD at its core is a persecution complex.  No matter what, they are the victim.  And they are in pain.  Which causes them to lash out.  I think these passive-aggressive actions (like the ones you mention) are meant to punish us.  But really, they are attempts by the pwBPD to relieve their inner conflicts.  I think you're right, trying to make sense of them from a non's perspective will drive you crazy.  :)epersonalize it - a lot of their behavior (or anyone else's behavior) is about how they feel, not necessarily about you.


The below is taken from www.eqi.org/dark1.htm ... ."The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence" ... .really struck a chord with me:

They get hurt easily because they have been hurt so many times. This hurt causes them pain and they become desperate to stop it. It is this desperation which leads them to lie, manipulate, threaten etc.

[Deeno02]

Yep. Im not totally sure, as I struck first and havent really checked except for an epic fail I did on Instagram, but that was a lesson learned. But yeah, its like I never existed after 16 months together.

[fromheeltoheal]

Everyone's got a different style in relationships, personality disorder or not.  When I break up with someone we're done, not that I'm necessarily pissed off or hate that person, it just didn't work, and if we really had a future and were friends we wouldn't have broken up; part of moving on is cleaning up the past.  But that's just me.

And the whole thing with social media is brand new; we didn't have words like "unfriend" and "block" as recently as 10 years ago.  personally I think Facebook creates more problems and wastes more time that it's worth, which is why I use bpdfamily as my Facebook, we get real around here.  But that's just me.

But it's natural to want someone to want us even though we don't want them, it's validating.  That goes away with time and as we shift the focus from our exes to the ourselves and from the past to the future.

[Swiggle]

Everyone's got a different style in relationships, personality disorder or not.  When I break up with someone we're done, not that I'm necessarily pissed off or hate that person, it just didn't work, and if we really had a future and were friends we wouldn't have broken up; part of moving on is cleaning up the past.  But that's just me.

And the whole thing with social media is brand new; we didn't have words like "unfriend" and "block" as recently as 10 years ago.  personally I think Facebook creates more problems and wastes more time that it's worth, which is why I use bpdfamily as my Facebook, we get real around here.  But that's just me.

But it's natural to want someone to want us even though we don't want them, it's validating.  That goes away with time and as we shift the focus from our exes to the ourselves and from the past to the future.

I agree with what you said about social media like facebook being more of a problem than a positive thing (not in all cases but a lot). We need a like or a thumbs up button on here 


Swiggle

[JRT]

Has anyone else's exBPD expelled you from their life in stages (mostly using social media)?

After the discard (7 months ago now), mine unfollowed me quite literally everywhere online. Then that escalated to outright blocking me months later. Then last month, I decided to block her from Facebook because she had suddenly unblocked me from there for some reason. In response, she made ALL of her online accounts private.

While this was a blessing in disguise for me, what upset me the most is that she also blocked and deleted all of my friends who had nothing to do with our breakup. She also convinced a number of her friends to delete me from Facebook, which stung.

Some days I try very hard to understand this from a non's perspective, but end up driving myself around in circles. I guess this is a form of splitting? You're either all to them, or you're nothing? Spending so much energy to forget someone who did so much for you... .feels confusing and excessive to me

Mine did but it was right away. She first blocked me from calling and texting (I was notified of the end of our relationship via text)... .then I went to try to IM her through FB (which we did frequently)... .I was blocked there... .THEN friends of mine began to report that she had unfriended them until she unfreinded even the most irrelevant nodding acquaintance in common... .THEN she successfully compelled all of her family and friends (even distant relatives... .I spoke to her brother in law who laughed that people would do such a thing and then he did the same the very next day!)... .she blocked me on other social media and even email... .that was 4 months ago and I have not spoken to her or received any explanation why she disappeared! Zero.

On an earlier recycle, she did some of the blocking but never was forthcoming with her rationale after we got back together. I suspect that it was punitive... .or it was a way of destroying all traces of the relationship, as if it never existed in the first place; my friends would be daily reminders of the associated pain/guilt/shame as long as she logged into fb, while (knowing that i would probably go after her) convincing her friends to delete me would prohibit me from contacting them (even though I could still IM them or re-friend them)... .she even had some change their privacy settings so that unless you were friends with them, you could see absolutely nothing... .it must have taken her days to contact everyone on her side and plead her case to them convincingly painting me black to them, i was friends with at least 30 of her family and friends (i figure that she had conversations with all of them, say, for 15 minutes - thats 8 straight hours of damming JRT, I can only imagine how bad the fairy tale was to get them to do this).

So get this: I STRONGLY suspected that she was continuing to visit my FB page. As we know, if someone has blocked you on FB, it is as if that person does not exist. You cannot see them regardless if their posts are public or private and this goes both ways which means my ex as well. However, if you log out of your account and create, say, a dummy account you can see that persons page. Mine, for this reason and that, was public so she could see everything. So I created a ruse indicating that I was cleaning out my basement and would be throwing some stuff away. I posted a picture of an old steamer trunk (filled with family heirlooms) of hers that I indicated I would be throwing away if no one wanted it. A day later I got an IM first thing in the morning from her GF (who had unfriended me the day it all happened)! It was a crazy exchange but I got the confirmation that I was being stalked by her.

So why in the world would she not only do all of this crazy unfriending on FB THEN continue to check in on me. Hope this helps in some way to understand yours.

You may have heard that there is no way to check to see who is viewing your profile on there but there IS. 



But get this

[icom]

Relationship de escalation is a normal function of all relationship terminations, and everyone proceeds at their own rate:

1. Differentiation

2. Circumscribing

3. Stagnating

4. Avoiding

5. Terminating

Let me be clear about this: apart from the heady Idealization phase, a BPD relationship is always in a state de escalation. 

Once all relationships are terminated, clearing house is simply a normal component of the process.  If I have retained a remembrance-or oblique connection-to some former partner, it would be purely by chance that I did so. 

In my instance, when my BPD relationship ended, I didn't want to be reminded of her ever again, and all reminders were dumped in the bin immediately. 

[JRT]

I don't know that I would readily agree with this (and I do so with the utmost respect and good manners)... .granted after an initial stage of acrimony, I have remained friends with just about everyone that I have dated and know of many more that have done the same. While my example does not represent a universal truth, I find that Oortcloud and My situation to be, very much, out of the ordinary.

[JRT]

Relationship de escalation is a normal function of all relationship terminations, and everyone proceeds at their own rate:

1. Differentiation

2. Circumscribing

3. Stagnating

4. Avoiding

5. Terminating

Let me be clear about this: apart from the heady Idealization phase, a BPD relationship is always in a state de escalation. 

Once all relationships are terminated, clearing house is simply a normal component of the process.  If I have retained a remembrance-or oblique connection-to some former partner, it would be purely by chance that I did so. 

In my instance, when my BPD relationship ended, I didn't want to be reminded of her ever again, and all reminders were dumped in the bin immediately. 

I looked up the five stages and can see how that would apply to a normal r/s... .but not necessarily to a BPD and certainly not mine. Mine went from idealization to termination without the preceding 4 stages - it was completely out of the blue.

[icom]

Relationship de escalation is a normal function of all relationship terminations, and everyone proceeds at their own rate:

1. Differentiation

2. Circumscribing

3. Stagnating

4. Avoiding

5. Terminating

Let me be clear about this: apart from the heady Idealization phase, a BPD relationship is always in a state de escalation.

 

Once all relationships are terminated, clearing house is simply a normal component of the process.  If I have retained a remembrance-or oblique connection-to some former partner, it would be purely by chance that I did so.  

In my instance, when my BPD relationship ended, I didn't want to be reminded of her ever again, and all reminders were dumped in the bin immediately.  

I looked up the five stages and can see how that would apply to a normal r/s... .but not necessarily to a BPD and certainly not mine. Mine went from idealization to termination without the preceding 4 stages - it was completely out of the blue.

Relationships are optimized once they pass through an orientation, exploratory, and affective stages leading to an ultimate level of stability in the final stage of bonding.  A BPD relationship will never pass to the final two stages of Integration and Bonding, as there is no core entity with which to bond.  

Neither of us had a relationship in the classical definition, as the individual we were attempting to integrate with-or bond to-lived exclusively in a realm governed by the “Get Rich Quick” idealization fallacy.  In other words, these BPD individuals live in an inverted universe where self-esteem and security are linked to delusions and faulty interpretations of reality.  

At its most basic, our partners continually employed pathological/immature ego defences to eliminate the need to cope with reality: Denial; Splitting; Projection; Superiority Complex; Distortion.

There was no relational escalation.  We posited "relationship" onto their dysfunction.

Apart from the initial idealization phase, it was always in a state of de escalation, with the ending a fait accompli.

[Mike-X]

My girlfriend unfriended me on Facebook while we were still living together. We are currently separated, and she is still friends with members of my family but not me. I asked her about unfriending me, when I noticed. She said that it was so that I could have my privacy.

[Deeno02]

Im sorry, where can I find more on this? Very interesting.

[oortcloud]

If the lashing out is about them trying to silence internal conflict, why do they choose *us* as their victims? What have we done wrong? Especially if we are the ones who were dumped.

It drives me crazy trying to understand why I've been blocked as if I don't exist, and to add insult to injury, painted the blackest of black. After the discarded ALL of my shortcomings were resurfaced in order to create this over-exaggerated demonic picture of me.

We were together 2.5 years and I was always patient, loving, and kind, (to the point where I felt like my ex's 24/7 caregiver) so this is really a hard pill to swallow.

[ShadowIntheNight]

If the lashing out is about them trying to silence internal conflict, why do they choose *us* as their victims? What have we done wrong? Especially if we are the ones who were dumped.

It drives me crazy trying to understand why I've been blocked as if I don't exist, and to add insult to injury, painted the blackest of black. After the discarded ALL of my shortcomings were resurfaced in order to create this over-exaggerated demonic picture of me.

We were together 2.5 years and I was always patient, loving, and kind, (to the point where I felt like my ex's 24/7 caregiver) so this is really a hard pill to swallow.

Right there with you. Makes no sense. My exgf is a LPC Counselor even. She has dealt with emotionally abused patients for the last 15 yrs. And yet she could be the queen bee as she does it to anyone she is close to. It blows my mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

If the lashing out is about them trying to silence internal conflict, why do they choose *us* as their victims? What have we done wrong? Especially if we are the ones who were dumped.

Borderlines get triggered by intimacy, meaning the feelings associated with the continuous abandonment/engulfment, push/pull between their ears get too intense.  You were once the solution to that, the soother, and at some point you became the trigger.  A borderline sees themselves as the victim, always, and you were the solution until you weren't, and that has nothing to do with you.

It drives me crazy trying to understand why I've been blocked as if I don't exist, and to add insult to injury, painted the blackest of black. After the discarded ALL of my shortcomings were resurfaced in order to create this over-exaggerated demonic picture of me.

And then, when the relationship ends, a borderline will blame themselves for its demise, feel ashamed, not be able to deal with the intensity of that, so everything gets dumped on you, you need to be the scumbag.  Eliminating you from her life takes all her "bad" with it so she's free and clear.  Again, just the disorder and the tools being used to make her feel better, nothing to do with you.

We were together 2.5 years and I was always patient, loving, and kind, (to the point where I felt like my ex's 24/7 caregiver) so this is really a hard pill to swallow.

Yes, you've traded in the blue pill for the red pill; a reference from The Matrix, sorry if it's too obscure, but briefly it means you've traded in the fantasy, the illusion, for reality, which is glaring and harsh at first.

All of that is standard borderline; apply as needed to your situation.

[Copperfox]

If the lashing out is about them trying to silence internal conflict, why do they choose *us* as their victims? What have we done wrong? Especially if we are the ones who were dumped.

We all do this sometimes.  Especially when we're children.  As to why they choose us, who knows.  The key is you have to depersonalize it.  Have you read the book The Four Agreements?  It's a great place to start, a short read.  Most people's behavior is about them, how they're feeling.  You are simply an actor on their stage.  They have their own reality.  This is the basis of Imago relationship theory btw, if you're familiar with that. The thing is that pwBPD have a distorted sense of reality.  Trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy.  :)epersonalize it.

Let me tell you a story.  I'm in my mid 30's, and before my pwBPD experience, I think I'd gotten pretty good at maintaining some detachment in relationships - all women can be a little emotional at times  (probably men too, not to exclude the ladies on this forum).  So when they'd start acting crazy, being upset, intense, etc. I'd maintain my calm, try to talk to them, but never react.  If they wanted to do or say things I thought were inappropriate or disrespectful, they were on their own.  And in the end, whatever drama happened was theirs.  And they usually apologized in the end.  And I was left on the high ground.  Of course, pwBPD was this to the nth degree, so my detachment faltered over time.  Hard not to get sucked in.

My point is that during the relationship or after with a pwBPD, you can't take these things personally.  You may have done nothing wrong, or nothing to warrant those behaviors.  So if pwBPD wants to do them, let her/him.  Let them make their own bed.  Let them lie in it.  :)on't react.  :)on't respond.  Be the best version of yourself, no matter what.  In the end (and it may take a longer time with pwBPD), it will come back to haunt them.  They may even regret it.

The only way to win, is not to play.

[fromheeltoheal]

My point is that during the relationship or after with a pwBPD, you can't take these things personally.

Actually we can take them personally and did, the result of being emotionally and sexually vulnerable and in search of intimacy; it doesn't get any more personal than that.  The challenge now is to learn to depersonalize them, which happens as we learn, connect here and detach.

[Copperfox]

Actually we can take them personally and did, the result of being emotionally and sexually vulnerable and in search of intimacy

True, FHTH ... .of course you're the one mentioning the red pill above 

[anxiety5]

Relationship de escalation is a normal function of all relationship terminations, and everyone proceeds at their own rate:

1. Differentiation

2. Circumscribing

3. Stagnating

4. Avoiding

5. Terminating

Let me be clear about this: apart from the heady Idealization phase, a BPD relationship is always in a state de escalation.

 

Once all relationships are terminated, clearing house is simply a normal component of the process.  If I have retained a remembrance-or oblique connection-to some former partner, it would be purely by chance that I did so. 

In my instance, when my BPD relationship ended, I didn't want to be reminded of her ever again, and all reminders were dumped in the bin immediately. 

I looked up the five stages and can see how that would apply to a normal r/s... .but not necessarily to a BPD and certainly not mine. Mine went from idealization to termination without the preceding 4 stages - it was completely out of the blue.

Relationships are optimized once they pass through an orientation, exploratory, and affective stages leading to an ultimate level of stability in the final stage of bonding.  A BPD relationship will never pass to the final two stages of Integration and Bonding, as there is no core entity with which to bond. 

Neither of us had a relationship in the classical definition, as the individual we were attempting to integrate with-or bond to-lived exclusively in a realm governed by the “Get Rich Quick” idealization fallacy.  In other words, these BPD individuals live in an inverted universe where self-esteem and security are linked to delusions and faulty interpretations of reality. 

At its most basic, our partners continually employed pathological/immature ego defences to eliminate the need to cope with reality: Denial; Splitting; Projection; Superiority Complex; Distortion.

There was no relational escalation.  We posited "relationship" onto their dysfunction.

Apart from the initial idealization phase, it was always in a state of de escalation, with the ending a fait accompli.

Great post. Could you possibly message me with a source for this info? I'd like to read more. This stuff helps me. I'm over the feelings part per say, and have radically accepted the fact that I was in a no win situation, and basically kept in a heightened state in order for her to extract this from me as adulation, attention, and essentially narcissistic supply. But the pathology behind it and realization of how startling each individual relationship we experience is the same, blows my mind. But it also helps me not personalize any of the nonsense that happened. It's really no different than a drug addict who loses everything. His family, friends, children, job, house, and identity. Each loss is tragic, but you probably wouldn't internalize it as much as his friend, once you realize he's an addict. That's what addicts do. It's predictable. Pain and hurt is the same for the affected people, but they at least have the understanding to start their recovering of realizing that it's not that they failed, or were bad. This person has a major problem, and it destroyed their life, not the victim's behavior etc.

[anxiety5]

My point is that during the relationship or after with a pwBPD, you can't take these things personally.

Actually we can take them personally and did, the result of being emotionally and sexually vulnerable and in search of intimacy; it doesn't get any more personal than that.  The challenge now is to learn to depersonalize them, which happens as we learn, connect here and detach.

Exactly. That's been the biggest thing for me to feel better so fast. There is a wake of destruction in this girl's history. Ex husband who cries all the time and is a shell of himself. My relationship which was an unmitigated disaster of love bombing, future promises, lies, betrayal, deceit and egocentric behaviors. But I somehow was able to find sites like this early enough on to realize it wasn't me. I may have naively thought I could somehow make things ok, but that's long gone. I'm left with a difficult detachment but an understanding that this person will never change. The only one who can change is me. And me changing would mean compromising my health, self worth, values, wants, needs, and every dream I have about a stable and bright future. Nobody is worth that. We did not lose because we failed. We lost because we were in a situation that was not winnable. That simple realization has allowed me to keep my self respect, never quite lose all of my bearing, and to actually leave HER and go no contact, with my dignity intact.

[downwhim]

Do you think that stages 1 through 4 are in the BPD's mind and they keep quiet about these feelings that is why we are hit with a bomb and in shellshock over these sudden breakups? As JRT mentioned, he did not feel his ex went though these stages. Could his ex's mind be racing and not sharing any negative feeling she is having and before she knows it she has reached #5 and it is over for her?

They are impulsive and irrational and make rash decisions at times. Just a thought.

[anxiety5]

Do you think that stages 1 through 4 are in the BPD's mind and they keep quiet about these feelings that is why we are hit with a bomb and in shellshock over these sudden breakups? As JRT mentioned, he did not feel his ex went though these stages. Could his ex's mind be racing and not sharing any negative feeling she is having and before she knows it she has reached #5 and it is over for her?

They are impulsive and irrational and make rash decisions at times. Just a thought.

I don't think there is motive. I think there is definitely a pathological relationship agenda, but it's less about being deliberate and more about the way they grew up and what they learned from the relationships they experienced with their parent(s) and between their parents.

I think the key to this question lies with the way they idealize love. When I would attempt to talk to my ex about anything, I was careful to be logical, calm, communicate through validation yet still make her try and see how we could find middle ground to work through something. She often did see my point, and would tell me that too. But there is a pathology at play here. It's not easy to just rewire your brain. Within a short time, it was as if whatever progress I made was gone. Instead of saying, hey lets work on this, or let me work on this, it was "I need someone who will do this, or that" So rather than be accountable, she was basically saying she had no interest on working on things, but would rather focus on finding someone who went along with what she wanted.

Once this happens enough is when the devaluation started. I think in the beginning, the love bombing, mirroring and honeymoon phase are real to them. They honestly do think they found the above mentioned perfect person. But it's not sustainable. Nobody can anticipate and read minds, furthermore nobody should meet your core needs but you, not your partner so their view dooms us to "fail" in their eyes. This fail could be something as simple as not answering your phone when they call one time. This triggers abandonment fears, which triggers behavioral shifts, etc. Remember, these people's FEELINGS take over their LOGIC and all hell breaks loose.

So I don't think they "plan" to go down that road, they just shift to that road once we are knocked off the pedestal by our perceived short coming.

In the case of going from stage 1 to stage 5, it sounds to me, what's more likely to have occurred there is that the person who got dumped was a replacement. It sounds like an old relationship resurfaced and that person hit the exit immediately. Again, you'll never have an answer. It's easier to avoid shame and guilt by conjuring up some false yet (to them) justified reason to split.

My ex BPD was coming out of a divorce. She made it sound as if their relationship was so bad for so long that the divorce part was just procedural. I learned in fact that she really wasn't over him at first for a long part of our initial relationship. He however, was done. He left her. He was a good guy. Steadfast in his decision and never let her get back into his head. He stood his ground. This allowed a lot of time to pass, where I was there for her a lot, and we bonded. So I eventually became a valuable and reliable primary source for her. But that's only circumstantial. It's not that I was somehow navigating the craziness better than the person posting here whose partner went from stage 1 to 5 instantly. In fact, I have ZERO doubt that if her ex husband had miraculously wanted her back, she would have gone stage 5 on me, no matter HOW good things were in the beginning. No doubt. It's just the option didn't exist so for a temporary amount of finite time, I actually got her focus and attention. Even then, as our relationship went on, as she closed her feelings for her ex totally and finally, I started to take the brunt of the relationship.

In all honesty, I wish she had gone to stage 5 with me instantly. You are lucky she/he did. You may not feel that way, but trust me you are. Trust anyone that's endured their hell.

[JRT]

Good point... .mine tended to keep everything inside to the extent that it was not really possible to know what she was thinking so it would support that she advanced through the cycle without letting me know at all... .but at the same time, her behaviors contradicted such a thing; she had moved in just 3 weeks ago... .we were actively discussing our wedding and had gone to a jeweler to have him build our rings, etc. These behaviors would seem to support that she acted on impulse, no?

My theory for her sudden and abrupt departure was

-stress related to moving in and living in a new environment after being on her own for 25 years.

-her 18 year old son moving out (trigger, abandonment)

-a business trip that I had gone on leaving her alone in the house all by herself for the first time ever (for some reason she was very fearful even when I was home) (trigger, abandonment)

Also, in my case (not sure if your were referring to it in your last post), I don't think that my ex went back to any of her ex's (all 4 of them). One was nowhere to be found, the other married and the third lives 1000 miles away. I know that it does not fit into the BPD template, but mine would sit it out for months to years in between men.