Why replacement hatred?

[Trog]

I'm thoroughly P.O'ed at my ex and can empathise with all everyone has been through here but one thing I don't understand is the anger that is felt towards our replacements?

Would you wish the life you have had on someone else? I know I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, so why are so many people angry at the replacement? Firstly, they are now taking the heat off you, secondly, they are either suffering right now or are very soon to suffer just as we have suffered!

I used to hate my exwife's exes. She used to talk about them all the time, it drove my crazy and she would tell me all about the horrendous things they had done (... .which now we know is probably exagerated if not outright lies in order to lure the next white knight).

I don't like to have my face rubbed in the replacement, but I'm glad my ex is putting it about, the more she can distract herself from me, the less likely she is to hurt me again.

So what is it with the replacement disdain, they're just another link in the chain no? And will be codependent/rescuers just like us (or NPDs... .in which case... .I get it!).

Why why why?

[Perdita]

I think it depends a lot on whether or not the person was replaced before or during the r/s.  If they were dumped and immediately replaced, then it is quite understandable.  In my case, I wasn't really replaced.  Just used to make his fantasy girl jealous in the hope of winning her love.  I believe that is what I lost years of my life to.  That was my purpose in his life.  It just took me a long time to realize it.  She still doesn't want him, just the cash he gives and spends on her like a fool.  She enjoyed rubbing it in my face.  Everything we had was thrown away so he could parade around a skinny young blond in front of his friends to inflate his ego.  A damn crack head at that.  I know there are a lot of others here that were also discarded in favour of drug addicts, ex felons, you name it.  That is the hardest blow of all.  When they can't even chose a decent human being to replace you with.

[paperlung]

Mine used to talk about her ex-boyfriends all the time. I remember even calling her out on it once. Hell, the very FIRST time we met in person, I went over to her dad's place to hangout and one of the first things she does is show me pictures of all of her ex-boyfriends. Who does that?

I remember hating my ex's other guy in the triangle. He lived thousands of miles away, but she would text with him constantly, even in front of me. It would make me very jealous and upset. I just wanted him to go away.

[Trog]

My ex's most favourite ex actually died. I felt terrible when that happened. I had hated on that ex for absolutely no good reason at all, but she would grow that feeling for me, comparing us and often saying, despite we were married that the ex was the love of her life. So... .you can see why I might not like the ex!

When the ex died, she showed no emotion at all, not that day, not the next, we went on holiday the next week, no emotion there. I found this really really shocking. And it never effected her, at least not so she would show me. Infact, if ever there was a time to talk or cry about the ex, this was it... .it never came. I really found that chilling.

[Maternus]

I was replaced three weeks after we moved in together. It was a shock for me. For more than one year we were searching for our "dream house" where we and her two children can live together. In the months before we spent all my servings for new furniture, carpets, refurbishing etc. My replacement is a colleague of my BPDexgf - he knew, that she just moved in with her partner. He left his wife and two kids and moved in to "our" house just two weeks after we broke up - and before I already moved out. I still had a key, I paid my share of the rent for that month. I don't know which lies my BPDexgf told him, but that must have been terrific lies. And it must have been better lies than she told me, when we got together. I was not a replacement (as far as I know), I didn't move in quickly - we had separate apartments for more than three years. I didn't have to cope with the questions my replacement had to cope with - if he's not a total ignoramus.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm thoroughly P.O'ed at my ex and can empathise with all everyone has been through here but one thing I don't understand is the anger that is felt towards our replacements?

Would you wish the life you have had on someone else? I know I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, so why are so many people angry at the replacement? Firstly, they are now taking the heat off you, secondly, they are either suffering right now or are very soon to suffer just as we have suffered!

I used to hate my exwife's exes. She used to talk about them all the time, it drove my crazy and she would tell me all about the horrendous things they had done (... .which now we know is probably exagerated if not outright lies in order to lure the next white knight).

I don't like to have my face rubbed in the replacement, but I'm glad my ex is putting it about, the more she can distract herself from me, the less likely she is to hurt me again.

So what is it with the replacement disdain, they're just another link in the chain no? And will be codependent/rescuers just like us (or NPDs... .in which case... .I get it!).

Why why why?

I was shocked at how quickly I was replaced... .but then again, I was being replaced during the r/s, so it really wasn't all that surprising.

It was initially painful to see the social media pictures of him... .but after the first reaction wore off, I've discovered that don't feel much of anything at all.  Actually, I feel a little bit sorry for him - no joke. He has no idea what's coming.

[paperlung]

It's crazy how they all either have a replacement ready to go, or will break up with you and find somebody new very quickly.

[Mr Hollande]

The replacement is the person who will one day see them the same way you do.

[Suzn]

Trog it may be different for some however I think the reason we dislike the replacements so much is because even with all the anger and pain there were some good things we are no longer getting from our exs. I mean, let's face it, we were drawn to them in the beginning for a reason. If nothing else they were exciting for us. That other person is getting the parts of our exs that we wanted. (At least in the beginning)

I knew I was over her when I was thrilled she was with someone new yet again. Feeling she was no longer my problem. I started feeling bad for that new person because they had no idea what was coming their way. I also knew there was no warning them because they probably wouldn't believe me.

[Hawk Ridge]

For me, I don't know the replacement but I do know the replacement "replaced" me in her family, in her bed, in her heart, in the life that I lived... .  I know logically I am one in a lifetime of those who she discarded.  I know logically my replacement will "replace" me in that line at some point too but logic aside, I also know that while they are still together, I tend to feel betrayed, discarded, and after all those months of emotional abuse, defective.  I guess, illogical as this is, it would be almost validating if she would discard the replacement and move on to the next.  i am not proud of that response but it's what I feel

[peiper]

My replacement either left her or she split him black. I know that they broke up several times. So it goes to show that the cycle continues. ... .

[hurting300]

My ex's most favourite ex actually died. I felt terrible when that happened. I had hated on that ex for absolutely no good reason at all, but she would grow that feeling for me, comparing us and often saying, despite we were married that the ex was the love of her life. So... .you can see why I might not like the ex!

When the ex died, she showed no emotion at all, not that day, not the next, we went on holiday the next week, no emotion there. I found this really really shocking. And it never effected her, at least not so she would show me. Infact, if ever there was a time to talk or cry about the ex, this was it... .it never came. I really found that chilling.

did we date the same woman . My ex had an ex to die also and bragged about that guy constantly! Then the next day she said he was crazy.

[Trog]

My ex's most favourite ex actually died. I felt terrible when that happened. I had hated on that ex for absolutely no good reason at all, but she would grow that feeling for me, comparing us and often saying, despite we were married that the ex was the love of her life. So... .you can see why I might not like the ex!

When the ex died, she showed no emotion at all, not that day, not the next, we went on holiday the next week, no emotion there. I found this really really shocking. And it never effected her, at least not so she would show me. Infact, if ever there was a time to talk or cry about the ex, this was it... .it never came. I really found that chilling.

did we date the same woman . My ex had an ex to die also and bragged about that guy constantly! Then the next day she said he was crazy.

This is a very strange behaviour of BPD. I suppose the 'toy' has no value whatsoever now if it is dead. It's totally out of reach. Her lack of emotion of her exes death, the all wonderful ex whom I was merely a shadow of, really chilled me to my core. Either she never loved them either and was just using the memory to manipulate me, or really, they are just not longer useful toys so not worth an emotion. This doesn't make sense though as BpDs are infact overly emotional no?

I confess, I just don't understand why my partner and your partner didn't express any real emotion at the death of their 'love of my lives'. It puzzles me.

[BorisAcusio]

My ex's most favourite ex actually died. I felt terrible when that happened. I had hated on that ex for absolutely no good reason at all, but she would grow that feeling for me, comparing us and often saying, despite we were married that the ex was the love of her life. So... .you can see why I might not like the ex!

When the ex died, she showed no emotion at all, not that day, not the next, we went on holiday the next week, no emotion there. I found this really really shocking. And it never effected her, at least not so she would show me. Infact, if ever there was a time to talk or cry about the ex, this was it... .it never came. I really found that chilling.

did we date the same woman . My ex had an ex to die also and bragged about that guy constantly! Then the next day she said he was crazy.

This doesn't make sense though as BpDs are infact overly emotional no?

Their deficiency in affect regulation will make emotions more intense, but intensity is not equal to the depth. Borderlines are first and foremost need-driven.

Mourning the loss of those who passed away would require them to work through the abandoment depression. It goes against the nature of the disorder.

[Hawk Ridge]

Maybe thar's part of my unreasonable rejection of the replacement.  She moved right in while my pwBPD didn't mourn me.  It's not the replacement and I know that but I also know it hurts that she moved on right away.  I was triggered last week when her dog died.   She loved that dog more than anything and then two days later spoke of replacing it.  It reminded me of how she moved on.  It is likely just as you said, Boris.  She just can't go there in her feelings... .the abandonment and grief sre too much.  She called me then on Friday to tell me her mom, a woman I am quite close to, is in the hospital. The family also suffered another death this week.   She said to me, "I am not right in the head."  I think it is all taking a toll and she is in my thoughts as my care taking kicks in and my thoughts of how I wish I was there but I am not... .my replacement is.  Thank God for this board to put it out there and sort it out.  I feel stronger and more insightful now.   Just continuing to work through it

[hurting300]

Oh she pretended to be sad. Even cried without tears coming out.

[wavelife]

I agree with a lot of the responses.  I have mixed feelings about my replacement.

He knows she is married, so I have zero respect for him and he has to be thinking if she can do this to her husband what can she do to me?  I hope Karma comes around for both of them.

On the other hand I feel sorry for him... .he is just another shmuck just like I was, currently being love bombed, one day to be discarded.  I hope it lasts long enough for me to get out and get on with my life.

Definitely mixed emotion about it all I guess.

[fred6]

For me, I don't know the replacement but I do know the replacement "replaced" me in her family, in her bed, in her heart, in the life that I lived... .  I know logically I am one in a lifetime of those who she discarded.  I know logically my replacement will "replace" me in that line at some point too but logic aside, I also know that while they are still together, I tend to feel betrayed, discarded, and after all those months of emotional abuse, defective.  I guess, illogical as this is, it would be almost validating if she would discard the replacement and move on to the next.  i am not proud of that response but it's what I feel

I agree Hawk. Although in a way I want her to be happy. If they had a horrible break up tomorrow it would feel validating to me also. Everyone here says that they feel sorry for the replacement because he doesn't know what's coming. I know it's a long shot, but for some reason I keep having thoughts about them living happily ever after. Just my head phucking with me, ... .

[Hawk Ridge]

I think you expressed it very well. It just hurts so much to think they would succeed and have a 'happily ever after'. Thanks for putting words to my thoughts

[hurting300]

Why would anyone here think it's their fault if your crazy ex makes it with the next guy? Give me some feedback...

[Hawk Ridge]

Not feelings I am proud of but honest nonetheless. It's not my 'fault' if they succeed.   After all those months of emotional abuse, being made to feel less than, and then dismissed without reason , it first stung to be replaced so soon and then to face the prospect they will somehow jump through the gauntlet when I failed, it stings further.  As I have gotten further out of the fog, I am grateful to be able to admit my fears as I heal further and work more on both detaching and forgiving. 

[downwhim]

I guess I just did not like the replacement thrown in my face. Here we were engaged and he is detaching (dating her on the side) then I get a phone call in the middle of the night saying "I am your twin (laughing, drunk). Who does that? Even if she is going to be abused and discarded as I was, what a repulsive thing to do to another woman.  No class.

I think he has replaced her now as he is on a dating website. I just feel it was a cruel way to end an 8 year relationship but the way they end things is always dysfunctional.

[hurting300]

Guys don't beat yourselves up. I still love my ex i do. But I'm happy she is gone.

[Ripped Heart]

My ex's most favourite ex actually died. I felt terrible when that happened. I had hated on that ex for absolutely no good reason at all, but she would grow that feeling for me, comparing us and often saying, despite we were married that the ex was the love of her life. So... .you can see why I might not like the ex!

When the ex died, she showed no emotion at all, not that day, not the next, we went on holiday the next week, no emotion there. I found this really really shocking. And it never effected her, at least not so she would show me. Infact, if ever there was a time to talk or cry about the ex, this was it... .it never came. I really found that chilling.

did we date the same woman . My ex had an ex to die also and bragged about that guy constantly! Then the next day she said he was crazy.

Mine exN/BPDw too, he was an actor with a drug addiction who died during an overdose and the love of her life. She blamed herself for his death because as the story went, they had an argument and she did her silent routine. He tried to call her but she didn't answer and he died. She believed he was calling her for help and that had she answered the phone, he would still be alive today.

Gets a little stranger in that she talked about his ghost constantly visiting her through the night. That he was bound to this earth to constantly watch over and protect her  

Each year on his birthday and date of death, I would have to drive her to the cemetery so she could lay flowers and tell him how much she loved and missed him. So I was triangulating with a ghost   She would sometimes put on one of his movies and ask me to watch it with her and on the date of his death would change her profile pic and cover pic to pictures of him.

As for my replacement, to be perfectly honest, I was thankful because it took the pressure off of me for a short while.

As for BPDgf, this New Years Eve was a huge smack in the face for me. She took photos of her in bed with him and we share the same cloud drive. At the time we were together but she wanted me to spend New Years with my friends because she was feeling down and was just going to bed. Don't think he has stayed in the picture very long because she was back and denying everything by 5th Jan. Whoever he was, he certainly isn't still in the picture.

[expos]

being made to feel less than, and then dismissed without reason

What it is - is this... .

You are stacking yourself up against the new man in her life.  In YOUR EYES, she see's the new man in her life as better than you.  This is really all in your head.  It's a slight form of jealously that he is somehow getting a really great version of her that you weren't allowed to have because "you weren't good enough" - but he is.  

This is why you hate the guy.  Jealously.  

I have sat many nights alone, at lunch, at the gym, and even sitting next to my girlfriend wondering why I harbored such unhealthy feelings.

But you need to face the facts here.  People with BPD are disordered people.  They NEED to attach to something and very quickly soothe their turmoil and feel normal and loved.  This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the replacement, who basically was at the right place at right time (or wrong place at the wrong time now that you know the outcome of how these relationships end).  

He is not better than you - it's just what she was seeking and what was available.

What happens when you bust a light bulb? You get a new one immediately, even it's a budget brand.  That object needs to be replaced.   You don't sit and contemplate finding the best light bulb in the city, you just get the one at the store closest to you.  Think about this when considering your replacement.  

You know full well how you were perceived as a savior and shining knight in the beginning of the relationship, but as you know that eventually fades because the facade they carry comes out at some point which triggers the downfall of the relationship.

Your replacement will reach a point of dissatisfaction in the relationship.  Will he be strong enough to leave or would he rather stay and live in hell?  It depends sole on how much he values himself.  

FWIW, I love myself, hated the way she treated me, and knew that a better life existed without her in it.  My new girlfriend is better looking than my ex, treats me like a king, and we have sex 4-5 times a week.   We've been together 16 months and I she has no signs of BPD (I know all the traits now!).  This is the relationship that gives back to me, and doesn't abuse me.

You need to realize that her behavior is not normal or is healthy.  I keep telling myself if my ex-wife was so great, then I would have stayed.  But the truth is, I reached my breaking point because her behavior was awful and void of any real love.

Your replacement hatred is really based on what you perceive and nothing to do with reality.  

[hurting300]

being made to feel less than, and then dismissed without reason

What it is - is this... .

You are stacking yourself up against the new man in her life.  In YOUR EYES, she see's the new man in her life as better than you.  This is really all in your head.  It's a slight form of jealously that he is somehow getting a really great version of her that you weren't allowed to have because "you weren't good enough" - but he is.  

This is why you hate the guy.  Jealously.  

I have sat many nights alone, at lunch, at the gym, and even sitting next to my girlfriend wondering why I harbored such unhealthy feelings.

But you need to face the facts here.  People with BPD are disordered people.  They NEED to attach to something and very quickly soothe their turmoil and feel normal and loved.  This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the replacement, who basically was at the right place at right time (or wrong place at the wrong time now that you know the outcome of how these relationships end).  

He is not better than you - it's just what she was seeking and what was available.

What happens when you bust a light bulb? You get a new one immediately, even it's a budget brand.  That object needs to be replaced.   You don't sit and contemplate finding the best light bulb in the city, you just get the one at the store closest to you.  Think about this when considering your replacement.  

You know full well how you were perceived as a savior and shining knight in the beginning of the relationship, but as you know that eventually fades because the facade they carry comes out at some point which triggers the downfall of the relationship.

Your replacement will reach a point of dissatisfaction in the relationship.  Will he be strong enough to leave or would he rather stay and live in hell?  It depends sole on how much he values himself.  

FWIW, I love myself, hated the way she treated me, and knew that a better life existed without her in it.  My new girlfriend is better looking than my ex, treats me like a king, and we have sex 4-5 times a week.   We've been together 16 months and I she has no signs of BPD (I know all the traits now!).  This is the relationship that gives back to me, and doesn't abuse me.

You need to realize that her behavior is not normal or is healthy.  I keep telling myself if my ex-wife was so great, then I would have stayed.  But the truth is, I reached my breaking point because her behavior was awful and void of any real love.

Your replacement hatred is really based on what you perceive and nothing to do with reality.  

I completely agree with this.

[drummerboy]

Just remember, we were the replacement once. I have no idea if my ex has a replacement and i could care less so no hatred here. If she does I would feel nothing but pity for the poor guy.

[CloseToFreedom]

You are all so right. And yes, we were the replacement once.

I remember it so clearly. She was with her boyfriend, but she started to talk more and more to me. Eventually she said she would dump him. She did just that one night, and after that immediately called me to tell me she dumped him. She sounded... .happy. She told me he had to cry and that she just went away.

I was naive back then and it felt good that someone would just drop everything for me. I thought - man, she must think I'm special. And for the first half year or so, she made sure I kept that feeling. But oh, that changed.

I have no doubt in my mind that she had replacements ready towards the end of our relationship. No doubt. She might not have publicly announced it on facebook, but I'm sure she had no shortage of supply when we broke off. She never did during one of our many break ups.

I wish I saw all this sooner. I wish I had this knowledge sooner, I wish I wasn't so blind. But I was blind, blinded by how sweet she was during the honeymoon phase. I kept trying to get back to that stage, but it never worked. Only temporarely when I gave her a vacation, a city trip or jewelry.