Was it really good before it became really bad?

[saintjude]

  As I've been taking inventory and trying to make sense of my ending marriage, I've had several themes that seem to have been consistent. One of them being that breakups/separations/crazy making behavior seem to directly follow a period of bliss and connection. The most recent being after a long stretch of what seemed like great relational improvement and mutual gratitude for how far we had come. Both of us had been expressing how grateful we were for each other and enjoying the fruits of therapy and hard work. Sex and quality time were meaningful components of this... .and then out of nowhere things would turn on a dime for the worse with the familiar conversations of "I'm to broken, I have to leave", secretiveness and pulling away. Sometimes overnight.

  Is this a thing any of y'all have experienced? When I think of a typical relationship dissolving, I think of people growing apart over time, developing separate interests, etc. I don't think of things being better than ever and then a complete 180 within a short amount of time. Of course "better than ever" for me was probably very different than for her. I'm sure her inner conflict and troubles rarely subsided for long.

  Any of y'all had these experiences?

[Seriously?]

Unfortunately,  when things are legitimately "really good" in the relationship,  it  is a trigger for the pwBPD's abandonment fear. This is why they push you away so harshly or seemingly without reason. It doesn't make any sense at all to their partner because the disorder compels the pwBPD to leave someone who loves them. They hate themselves and I think our real love toward them breeds contempt for us, too. My husband seemed to hate me for no good reason at the end. It seems crazily elementary, but I believe he started to really believe I loved him, and it triggered his fear and he created drama taking no blame for himself and that was that. He recently sent me a text to the effect of "I am sorry our marriage didn't work out for us. Wish you well." I don't think he hates me anymore, but he and I can't work things out because the very things that strengthen the bond in a healthy relationship,  cause, a pwBPD to leave.

[saintjude]

  This makes sense. I can't count how many times I heard her say, "If you stay then something is wrong with you for staying, and if you leave it is proof that something is wrong with me." Either path would have been loss.

  It makes sense that real intimacy would trigger. That was something she was vocal about in moments of transparency. The terror of being known, but of course, like all of us, wanting to be known. So much grief either way.

[Suzn]

Unfortunately,  when things are legitimately "really good" in the relationship,  it  is a trigger for the pwBPD's abandonment fear.

It was always really good before it got really bad. Interestingly enough in the end I started recognizing if she said "you are the best gf EVER!" The ___ was about to hit the fan. It's a behavior pattern and at the time I never thought of it as "this is a pattern" per say. Only when I came here and saw the same pattern in most everyone else's stories did I realize this has a name... .it's a pattern of behavior, one of many known as BPD.

I think this is one of the reasons we were all so confused by our exs behaviors... .they would tell you things are great or would act like they were then BAM! The tables would turn and catch us completely off guard leaving our heads spinning.

Funny thing is, once you learn about dysfunctional patterns you start recognizing them in other people and in yourself. How often do you see members ask if THEY are BPD? Often enough to realize we all played a role with dysfunctional behavior, BPD or not, learned behavior can be unlearned. For me saintjude, it has all boiled down to understanding coping skills, healthy vs unhealthy and core beliefs.  

[Penumbra66]

We had a rocky couple of months about eight months into our relationship, but until my replacement appeared, the last six months seemed to get better and better. She had always been needy, but was becoming more independant. Excelling in school, meaningful internships, lining up jobs post-graduation, gathering letters of recomendation from her professors, carefully selecting top graduate schools to apply to. She seemed to be doing better than she had done in her entire adult life. Ironically, the day before she met the replacement (her married philosophy instructor) outside of school for a "friendly" meeting (involving drug use), I distinctly remember thinking that we had two fantastic, low-drama weeks together. Literally the best two weeks we'd had in our year-and-a-half long relationship. The next day, she's out with the replacement all afternoon, until 11:30 that night. She also happened to be an addict and alcoholic in recovery the last two+ years. She was so unconcerned with my feelings that I felt about 80% certain that our relationship was over, although she dragged me through another six weeks of absolute hell, lying, cheating, and emotionally abusing me. We recycled several times, but she admitted to waiting until he left his wife before dumping me like garbage, after I saw a ling string of text messages planning for "many happy days together" once I was gone.

This was someone I trusted completely, who's heart seemed in the right place, working towards a career in social work. Before and during the affair, she would often tell me how much she loved me, how lucky we were to a found each other. And I believed her. Who would lie about something like that? In fact, the day after she dumped me, she sent me a text message stating that she "really did love" me. There was quite a bit of push and pool after that, although we never saw each other in person again. What was so heartbreaking was the fact that for several months afterwords, she was still insisting that she loved me, missed me, and "may have" made a big mistake. We were supposedly "best friends", soulmates, the only man she had ever connected to physically. She also said she would love me for "the rest of my life, probably". Of course, she never made any attempt to get back together with me, to work things out between us. But she was "open to getting back together in the future, if we are single and available."

I think that's what many people don't understand. She had a few inappropriate "rages," but in general, we barely fought. She could sometimes be incredibly inflexible and a pain in the neck, and I was realizing that there were some empathy problems, but she had mostly treated me well. For quite a while I was "the best boyfriend ever" and "I love you so much" was a thrice daily saying. We also spent four, five, or six days a week together. I felt like we were really inseparable. Even on the days that we didn't see each other, we spoke on the phone several times throughout the day for an hour or two each time. How one can go from that level of involvement to seemingly not having a care for me at all was truly horrifying. When her affair began, I was so depressed that I went to a partial hospitalization program to help with my depression, which she seemed to think what is a form of manipulation. I was also hospitalized overnight for a couple of days about a week after she left. Before I was admitted, she I had sent a really heartless text message, telling me she had done the right thing "for her". I made the mistake of having a FaceTime chat before I was admitted, and in my grief she laughed at me. She literally laughed at me, followed by a "laugh but for crying" excuse, although the smile never left her face. It was all a big joke to her.

So yeah, things seem to be going better than ever. She'd never been cruel to me like that, never twisted the knife in my back when I was down before. It was horrifying. Who is this person? What kind of person does such a thing? About a month ago, I received an email on a dating site, where she wrote a "nice" apology (I had blocked her from all texting, phone calls, and emails). She even mentioned not understanding how she could treat anyone – – even a complete stranger – – the way she has treated me, someone that she "loved". Sorry, not buying it. I never responded, but a month later she had reopened her account, checked my dating profile one more time, and then deactivated again. Luckily that time there was no email. Unfortunately I was so stressed it took me an entire day before I could even look at my account after I received a notification that she read my profile. And since she deactivated her account both times, I can't even block her there.

It's all insane, isn't it? Who behaves like that? I'm still trying to understand what I know is not understandable. I thought we were very close, that things were going great. I've never been so wrong about another human being in my entire life. No fighting, no drifting apart, seemingly no loss of love. And then I'm gone and she's with him.

I read these boards every single day. It seems like so many of us have had similar situations, but it does seem rare to be with someone with BPD that doesn't rage. But I really did think our relationship was strong and getting better. I really was enjoying her company more and more. Then came the replacement, along with a heavy use of drugs and alcohol, then a cruel series of stabs in the back, both during their affair, and after our relationship ended. For several months after she left, I wanted nothing more than her return, to go back to the way things were. Thankfully, these posts have allowed me to detatch, and I hope I'm always strong enough to move forward in my life while keeping her out.

So far, so good.

[myself]

I remember the moment when I realized this pattern was very real. That I had seen it before with her, too many times to count, and here it was going to come again. She and I were in bed, had just had a wonderful weekend laughing, making love, feeling close. She got up to get a drink, and while laying there I suddenly burst into tears. Knowing that the intimacy we'd been sharing was what would trigger her into raging/leaving. This wasn't coming from my fears, but from hers. And yes, the disordered version of reality could not be denied. Later that day, she withdrew, freaked out, blamed me, and left again. I had a better understanding, but it still made little sense.

[raisins3142]

Penumbra, mine did not outwardly rage either.  She would seethe though and get really withdrawn to the point where it seemed me touching her was physically repulsive to her.  She would disassociate and go into weird mind funk that I don't think she understood at all.  She never really told me what she was feeling or experiencing during those times.  I'm sure it was very bad.

So, I think you might've had a quiet or waif borderline.  

Mine fit all the other characteristics but never raged and so it makes me question where she is on the spectrum.  Also, she only withdrew once right after I told her I loved her and she saw me cry.  It was very abrupt.  So, I did not see the extended push-pull pattern.  She did a big pull and then a big push and then I ended things.  We got back together once for 3 months and she did a big pull because she was afraid I would leave.

[milo1967]

I've thought of this a lot since our separation three years ago and our divorce a year ago. I believe I've gotten to a place where I can look back at the span of my marriage without rose-colored glasses and say with confidence that our relationship was never better before it abruptly and shockingly imploded. My career was as steady as ever, she had climbed the corporate ladder and we were financially set. The most stressful times with our children were easing up and we had gotten into a groove. Much intimacy, declarations of love, great sex life. Just a normal family life with the not abnormal stresses.

Then she turned thirty-nine and it was as though a switch went off, a switch that released her BPD and all its cliches. All the BPD red flags were always there, but I accepted her "flaws and quirks" and often-challenging personality and thought we would grow old together. I do believe she quite literally lost her mind, to inflict such pain on me and our beautiful, sacred family. I saw her today as we exchanged children and I just stared at her. I still can't believe that she threw away everything. I miss the stranger who looked and acted like my wife.

[raisins3142]

My case was the beginning was good but with confusion and red flags everywhere.  So, I knew something was off and I was concerned, while still enjoying things.  That doesn't speak to the push pull dynamic, but just wanted to express that for me even when it was good, it was off.  I didn't figure much of it out until the end.  Oddly, all the red flags they somewhat explain away can make them "interesting".

[paperlung]

It was never really good, even during the "honeymoon" stage. She had bad depression and anxiety when I met her. Things she still suffers from today.

[ADecadeLost]

It wasn't an instantaneous switch from really good to really bad with mine, but over the course of our 10 year relationship the pattern became clear.  Really good times (close, wonderful, truly intimate times) would be followed by a stretch of two to four days of uneasiness.  The type of days where you could feel the tension in the air.  I always knew what my future held on those days, but could do nothing to alter it.  I just prepared myself mentally for what was to come.