Ex has a replacement, mixed feelings

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm 7 weeks out now after a 4,5 year relationship where we broke up 10 times. My undiagnosed BPDxgf has a replacement since this weekend and it is giving me mixed feelings.

First of all, I hate the way she touts with it on social media, calling him 'her now love', telling everyone she is in love, that it is magic, and what not. It is hard to read that kind of stuff when you're still grieving yourself and trying to get out of the depression.

But on the other hand, when I found out and talked about it with friends, it also made me sort of... .I don't know, it's easier to really close this chapter now I guess? She's with someone new and they are probably having a great time, just like I had when I first met her. The crazyness starts only months down the line.

Of course, there is also fear. What if they can work it out and remain happy ever after? If that would be the case, maybe it was me all along? Also, I feel that she might have the feeling that she 'won' because she has someone else now and I haven't. I don't see it this way, I think after such an emotionally relationship it is good to remain single for a while and work on myself. But I do think she views it like that. And that pisses me off I guess.

I also heard from my friends that as soon as we broke up, she was looking for a replacement and kept a lot of options open. Kinda crazy. She even hung out with the ex before me, which she painted black to me. Just goes to show that they don't believe anything they tell us about their bad exes, its just their way to cope with the loss. She's probably telling the same thing about me to her new boyfriend now. I also now think she was maybe looking for replacements when we were in the relationship. The last couple of months she was chatting a lot on her phone. Perhaps already complaining about me to other guys, just like she did to me when we first met.

So now, I really have to close this chapter and get on with life. The past 7 weeks I became a bit obsessed with her, I have to admit, but now is a good time to really let it go. It's hard though, as I'm living in the house we've been living together in for a year, and I really, really thought she was the one, even though we had all these crazy arguments all the time. I feel alone and unlikeable, discarted, unloveable. Also a bit of fear as in the upcoming weeks I'm sure I'll bump into her and her replacement in social occassions. That's just the way our social lives and friend group are intertwined, unfortunately.

I know the best revenge is living life well. I'm trying, but I'm def. not there yet. I have to remind myself of the fact that me grieving and taking my time for it, is the normal way to do things.

Any support is greatly appreciated.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm 7 weeks out now after a 4,5 year relationship where we broke up 10 times. My undiagnosed BPDxgf has a replacement since this weekend and it is giving me mixed feelings.

First of all, I hate the way she touts with it on social media, calling him 'her now love', telling everyone she is in love, that it is magic, and what not. It is hard to read that kind of stuff when you're still grieving yourself and trying to get out of the depression.

But on the other hand, when I found out and talked about it with friends, it also made me sort of... .I don't know, it's easier to really close this chapter now I guess? She's with someone new and they are probably having a great time, just like I had when I first met her. The crazyness starts only months down the line.

Of course, there is also fear. What if they can work it out and remain happy ever after? If that would be the case, maybe it was me all along? Also, I feel that she might have the feeling that she 'won' because she has someone else now and I haven't. I don't see it this way, I think after such an emotionally relationship it is good to remain single for a while and work on myself. But I do think she views it like that. And that pisses me off I guess.

I also heard from my friends that as soon as we broke up, she was looking for a replacement and kept a lot of options open. Kinda crazy. She even hung out with the ex before me, which she painted black to me. Just goes to show that they don't believe anything they tell us about their bad exes, its just their way to cope with the loss. She's probably telling the same thing about me to her new boyfriend now. I also now think she was maybe looking for replacements when we were in the relationship. The last couple of months she was chatting a lot on her phone. Perhaps already complaining about me to other guys, just like she did to me when we first met.

So now, I really have to close this chapter and get on with life. The past 7 weeks I became a bit obsessed with her, I have to admit, but now is a good time to really let it go. It's hard though, as I'm living in the house we've been living together in for a year, and I really, really thought she was the one, even though we had all these crazy arguments all the time. I feel alone and unlikeable, discarted, unloveable. Also a bit of fear as in the upcoming weeks I'm sure I'll bump into her and her replacement in social occassions. That's just the way our social lives and friend group are intertwined, unfortunately.

I know the best revenge is living life well. I'm trying, but I'm def. not there yet. I have to remind myself of the fact that me grieving and taking my time for it, is the normal way to do things.

Any support is greatly appreciated.

[Ripped Heart]

CloseToFreedom, if ever you needed any validation that you aren't the one with the disorder, you said it in your first 2 lines.

7 weeks out of a 4.5 year relationship, she has already found someone new and is already in love. She has carried her exact same issues over to her new relationship and at some point, it's highly likely something is going to trigger her and it will all come crashing down. For you, your direction of healing might cause a few frustrations and trigger a lot of emotions when you discover news like this but you are out of the craziness now and well on your way to recovery, she is no longer your problem and the crazy arguments you describe will most likely start happening with the replacement.

This is not an illness that magically cures itself and again, the fact she has jumped into a r/s so quickly and in love so quickly, tells you she is still very much ill and things aren't going to magically sort themselves out.

Hang in there, you have all the support you need right here, the tools to do it right and you are very much valued by all of us here.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for the support. There's still a lot of doubt in my head. I mean, is it really so strange for her to get with someone else after 7 weeks? Maybe she has a normal relationship now. What if they will remain stable? What will that say about me? I know I can't wait for their relationship to fall apart, I need to get on with my own life.

[Maternus]

Maybe she has a normal relationship now. What if they will remain stable?

You wrote that she has the replacment since last weekend. And she already talks about love and that it's magic? No, this is not a normal, healthy relationship.

[CloseToFreedom]

Maybe she has a normal relationship now. What if they will remain stable?

You wrote that she has the replacment since last weekend. And she already talks about love and that it's magic? No, this is not a normal, healthy relationship.

Yep, stuff like 'my new love', 'in love', 'magic'.

Reminds me of how fast she was in love when we started hanging out, and how easy it was for her to discard her boyfriend back then for me. It was just like, yeah I'm going to dump him tonight. After she dumped him, she immediately called me, like she was happy, it was a good thing she was rid of him. Crazy. Of course when you are on the receiving end of love, you don't think: hey, maybe this is not normal.

But her loving right now is probably very intense so I don't think the cracks will show in the coming months. And I shouldn't be paying attention to that anyway, but its hard not to.

[Maternus]

It was just like, yeah I'm going to dump him tonight. After she dumped him, she immediately called me, like she was happy, it was a good thing she was rid of him. Crazy. Of course when you are on the receiving end of love, you don't think: hey, maybe this is not normal.

Yes, but I'm sure, this won't happen again. Now we are all aware of the warning signs.

[downwhim]

You have the support you need here to get you through all of this. Reading books on the disorder and co dependency really helped me. I admire the fact that you aren't jumping in to a relationship and trying to sort things out in your mind. That is the healthy thing to do.

My ex got into a relationship right away after he abandoned me. I am sure like yours he was setting it all up ahead of time. Anyway, they must have broken up as he is now on a dating website.

It won't last. Just a play toy for time being. She is not healthy at all. Just keep yourself busy, post and be grateful you are not the one that lives without empathy.

[CloseToFreedom]

The problem is that this is still putting the focus on her in my head. It's not letting go, and that is a serious problem. When I found out she had a replacement, I thought: okay, now I can finally close the lid on this thing and move on. But now you start to wonder; will she truly be happy with the new guy, will they function normally, was it me all along? I can't wait here for that relationship to go down the drain eventually. She lasted with me for 4,5 years, who knows how long they last. How do I truly move one? Or is it normal that after 7 weeks I still feel so stuck?

And that undeniable feeling that I know she thinks she has 'won'. She's with the new guy now, she's so in love, she would love to rub my nose in it and she will in future social occassions, I'm sure.

[Maternus]

Or is it normal that after 7 weeks I still feel so stuck?

This is totally normal and healthy. You are the one, who is able to feel love and the pain after 4,5 years of relationship. And don't beat yourself up with questions like "Will her new relationship last longer?" Being in a BPD-relationship is not a bull riding contest. Maybe you have lost yourself in this relationship, or a part of yourself. Now you have the chance, to get it back. Your replacement is about to lose his self esteem. Now he hast to take the abuse, the on and off, the push and pull. Do you really think he is about to find his luck?

[downwhim]

I think you are in the right place. I agree, you were in a long term, abusive relationship and it is normal to think about her. You need to take time to heal.  Do what you can for yourself right now. Walk, read and post here to help get through this. Maybe also go see a therapist plus keep busy with friends and family as support.

Once your able to see she is not your ticket to happiness it will get better. Time heals.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm just going to the gym tonight for a little energy. Tomorrow back to work again. Wednesday Im working at home but Im going to the doctor so he can give me access to a therapist. Perhaps some pills to calm me down a bit if that is possible. Friday after work I have a industry party in my field of work, then saturday a party at my friends. But she will be there as well, perhaps with the replacement. Oh well. Gotta be strong and care less and less about her.

Still a part of me will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her new relationship to end in pieces. I wont do anything childish like laugh about it in her face or anything, but it would give me satisfaction for sure. We'll see. I hope that once it happens, Im so far healed that I won't even care about it.

[Deeno02]

Thank you for the support. There's still a lot of doubt in my head. I mean, is it really so strange for her to get with someone else after 7 weeks? Maybe she has a normal relationship now. What if they will remain stable? What will that say about me? I know I can't wait for their relationship to fall apart, I need to get on with my own life.

I was replaced in a week after a 16 month relationship. Literally, I was hanging with her and her kids one week, very next, the new guy doing the same. Thats normal?

[Maternus]

We had a family calender in the kitchen with a column for everyone, my ex, me, her daughter and her son. When I came to move out, there was a sticker glued over my name with the name of my replacement on it.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah I hear your stories people, but still, it was different with us. The last year, when we were living together, I had less and less interest in her and did more stuff for myself, like putting in more hours of work to get promotion, working out in the gym. I did that partly because it wasnt that fun to hang out with her, but still, I feel like I'm partly to blame. And she was just tired of it one day and then made arguments all the time so we would split up. I'm still not sure I'm not the one to blame. I probably never will be. Oh well.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm just going to the gym tonight for a little energy. Tomorrow back to work again. Wednesday Im working at home but Im going to the doctor so he can give me access to a therapist. Perhaps some pills to calm me down a bit if that is possible. Friday after work I have a industry party in my field of work, then saturday a party at my friends. But she will be there as well, perhaps with the replacement. Oh well. Gotta be strong and care less and less about her.

Still a part of me will be waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her new relationship to end in pieces. I wont do anything childish like laugh about it in her face or anything, but it would give me satisfaction for sure. We'll see. I hope that once it happens, Im so far healed that I won't even care about it.

I'd be careful about this - you seem too raw.  There may come a time that you can handle this interaction, but right now might not be that time.

I am 5 months post b/u and I STILL don't want to run into her because I wouldn't want to deal with the "stuff" that it would kick up in me. 7 weeks is not a long time.

[JRT]

WOW! If her FB friends are rational and clear thinking, they just saw her do something that clearly that speaks volumes abut her character and good judgement, and it ain't anything good. If you date someone for that long then do what she did, it only confirms to the ones that see it that you are an A**hole. Moreover, it communicates that if that is the kind of thing that you do to the one that you love most, maybe they should consider they they would similarly be unceremoniously discarded and replaced.

It baffles me when I read that BPD's announce their replacement on FB this way... .Its almost as if they are painting themselves black.

[CloseToFreedom]

WOW! If her FB friends are rational and clear thinking, they just saw her do something that clearly that speaks volumes abut her character and good judgement, and it ain't anything good. If you date someone for that long then do what she did, it only confirms to the ones that see it that you are an A**hole. Moreover, it communicates that if that is the kind of thing that you do to the one that you love most, maybe they should consider they they would similarly be unceremoniously discarded and replaced.

It baffles me when I read that BPD's announce their replacement on FB this way... .Its almost as if they are painting themselves black.

Well... .it's been 7 weeks. I mean, she got a lot of reactions like 'good luck you two'. And some 'that was fast'. I guess.

[JRT]

Think of what those responses really mean... .AND the people who saw it and didn't say a word.

I have a HS friend that did something similar and I recall thinking the same thing; what an idiot.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah I guess you're right. It's not like she hasn't been trying the last 7 weeks, according to my friends she was trying real hard to find someone. So it could've been sooner, heh.

[JRT]

Yeah I guess you're right. It's not like she hasn't been trying the last 7 weeks, according to my friends she was trying real hard to find someone. So it could've been sooner, heh.

She did herself more harm than good if the opinion of her friend's matters at all. I think that by the time that I came along, my ex's family and friends had the same thing sussed ab out my ex. It was odd, they used to look at me with a kind of look of sadness, like I was about to die or go away. Your ex's friends may likely see your replacement the same way.

[Maternus]

WOW! If her FB friends are rational and clear thinking, they just saw her do something that clearly that speaks volumes abut her character and good judgement, and it ain't anything good. If you date someone for that long then do what she did, it only confirms to the ones that see it that you are an A**hole. Moreover, it communicates that if that is the kind of thing that you do to the one that you love most, maybe they should consider they they would similarly be unceremoniously discarded and replaced.

It baffles me when I read that BPD's announce their replacement on FB this way... .Its almost as if they are painting themselves black.

Don't forget, they are good liars. They believe their own lies. And they always find a way to rationalize their crazy decisions. Those  who saw through their facade are no longer in their club of supporters. They do not only manage to replace their SO in a blink of an eye, they also exchange their whole social environment in very short time. My ex has lost contact to all her friends when we got together and she ended the contact to our mutual friends completely.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah I guess you're right. It's not like she hasn't been trying the last 7 weeks, according to my friends she was trying real hard to find someone. So it could've been sooner, heh.

She did herself more harm than good if the opinion of her friend's matters at all. I think that by the time that I came along, my ex's family and friends had the same thing sussed ab out my ex. It was odd, they used to look at me with a kind of look of sadness, like I was about to die or go away. Your ex's friends may likely see your replacement the same way.

Perhaps. I don't think my gf mother (her fathers on the other side of the world) saw her daughter as a distorted girl when we started hanging out. We would break up often and in the beginning, she def. thought it was my fault. But during the end of our relationship when we were living together, her mother sometimes came by to calm us down during arguments and she was always on my side. I remembered she called one time to ask me if I thought her daughter was always feeling entitled and was easily offended. I cannot explain how relieved I was feeling, that her own mother was seeing these things and I was not completely crazy. When they came by to get their stuff out of my house after the break up, her mother told my father that she's a difficult one. I mean who says that about her own child? My father just said yes, yes she is, hah.

Of course, my ex blames her behaviour on me. Says I turned her into this, that she was emotionless thanks to this relationship, that she had no more tears to cry when we broke up, just because she was so tired of us. I dunno, I saw her highly emotional almost on a daily basis. She's probably trying to prove to the world now how normal she is, how happy she is again, what a good choice this was to end the relationship. I do hope to live to see the day it all comes crashing down. I know I shouldn't wait for that, but if I could see it, it would mean so, so much to me. I hope that in the coming months, I can say goodbye to these feelings of revenge, but for now, they are better than feeling sad, hopeless and depressed 24/7.

Don't forget, they are good liars. They believe their own lies. And they always find a way to rationalize their crazy decisions. Those  who saw through their facade are no longer in their club of supporters. They do not only manage to replace their SO in a blink of an eye, they also exchange their whole social environment in very short time. My ex has lost contact to all her friends when we got together and she ended the contact to our mutual friends completely.

YES! This is one of the straws I hold on to, to remind myself that my ex is actually distorted. In the 4 years we've been together she's been through multiple friendgroups, while I have hold on to pretty much the same people. The friend group she was with when we met, was soon out of the picture. Then came some new friends, and eventually they had to make way too. She would paint them black to me, tell me what was wrong with them and why they deserved to be abandoned by her. In the beginning I tried to reason with her but I soon learned that this would turn the hate to me, so I just nodded like a good dog when she would discard a friend again.

In the last year, when we were living together, she had almost no friends left, only my friends that came by during weekends to drink before going to town. She would badmouth them to me when they weren't around, but now she's hanging with some of them.

One friend in particular, one of my best friends I might add, she would always talk bad about him, how he should get his ___ together (he was in intense therapy without a job for half a year), how he was fat, how he never paid back loans. He became her focus of attention in the first few weeks after our break up, always texting him, going to his place to watch movies. Almost like it was the prime target to hang out with to hurt me most. But I talked with him this weekend and he mentioned it was strange as well. For instance, now that she has a replacement, she almost never texts him anymore, and if he texts she says she's busy. My friend just thought they were starting to get good friends, but that is not how you treat a friend. Also, they went to the cinema once, and then some guys she knew came in, and she immediately took some distance from my friend and said: 'They shouldn't think that we're dating.' She had to spread her options and look available. Who cares about this stuff? My exBPD does.

[CloseToFreedom]

And today I woke up angry with her. How refreshing after almost 2 months of waking up sad. I was angry with her for a few hours this morning, being angry because I can finally see how she treated me, how she only thinks about herself, and how I never really noticed this. Well I noticed it, but I put my feelings away to make the relationship work, which obviously didn't end well.

I wish her an extremely unpleasant life. I hope she'll get what's coming to her. She has sucked the life out of me for four years and almost deleted my existence. No more.

[drummerboy]

Anger is good, really good. I tried being Mr Nice Guy, Zen Buddhist  and didn't go through the anger stage and it delayed my recovery. Have pretend arguments with her where you tell her what you wished you'd said on your last day together. Get everything off your chest. It's ok to be angry and a vital stage in grief. After I eventually went through my delayed anger stage I ended up with how I feel about her now, just very sorry for the miserable life she leads. Us non usually go through a stage of introspection and maybe even attending to some of our own childhood wounds, we come out better for the experience. The fact that she's jumped straight into another relationship means there has been no introspection, no repair work, business as usual. And business as usual for a pwBPD is a living hell. We are the lucky ones!

And today I woke up angry with her. How refreshing after almost 2 months of waking up sad. I was angry with her for a few hours this morning, being angry because I can finally see how she treated me, how she only thinks about herself, and how I never really noticed this. Well I noticed it, but I put my feelings away to make the relationship work, which obviously didn't end well.

I wish her an extremely unpleasant life. I hope she'll get what's coming to her. She has sucked the life out of me for four years and almost deleted my existence. No more.

[CloseToFreedom]

We are, but I'm sure she thinks she's the lucky one. Well, for now anyway. She's in her idolizing stage now, putting her new boyfriend on a pedestral, claiming love, magic and boyfriend-girlfriend lovey dovey crap. Just like how it was with me four years ago. When she sees me, she probably thinks: ah, he hasn't got a replacement, so I win.

But she hasn't won. She will get tired of the new guy eventually, and the cycle will start again. Hell, I might even hear from her one day. This weekend I heard she tried to get in contact with her ex before me, someone who she painted blacker than black to me. It's pathetic. But I KNOW I will be strong enough when that day comes. If she got into contact with me a few weeks ago, I would've went for another round, the eleventh one. But now, I'm just angry, and I can't imagine ever being with her again.

I gave so, so much in the four years. I've lost almost my entire identity, my personality, lots of contacts. At least I haven't lost a lot of money (even though I bought a lot for her) and I have my own house. That was one smart move on my part, making sure the house was on my name. I bet she hated that even though she acted to be grateful for living so cheap.

It's ME-time now. It's time that I do all the things that I like, work on myself, work on my career, work on my hobbies, work on my social circles. It's going to be hard, no doubt, and I'm not out of this depression yet, but I'm working on that, and going to a T soon, maybe getting some meds as well. But she will never be able to ruin my life again. I almost lost my job thanks to her two years ago with a break up, and when she got back a month and a half later it was all about her, her her. How I should act around her, what I should do, that I should be sorry. She was never sorry. How could she? In her mind she never does anything wrong. She's perfect. She's a princess. She even received a crown with jewelry I bought her. She's daddy's little princess, even though daddy has been on the other side of the world for most of her life because he couldn't stand being around her or her mother. He has a new family now, and she hates them all. She will never be happy.

Goodbye, ex. I'm truly starting to get over you.