Is it only a relationship issue?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The more time I spent working on myself, reading and understanding why I would get into this relationship (again, x2) with all the   and settling for second best etc, I realise that this is not just a problem that effects my relationships.

I will throw a lot of effort into other people, bad jobs and bad decisions and not make the 'healthy' choice for myself in almost all areas of my life. I'm making unhealthy choices with food, putting faith into friendships that are not true two-way street friendships, making bad financial decisions and putting off things I Know I need to do in order to have a healthy life.

I'm not seriously obese but I need to lose 2 stone to be in the healthy weight range. I've been taken advantage of my multiple friends and family members in terms of investing in them/giving cash and it not being reciprocated, I make bad choices everywhere.

I had nailed my issues to the codependency mast, but is there more at play here, or are these crutches of codependency.

Is anyone else self sabotaging the rest of their lives?

[Trog]

The more time I spent working on myself, reading and understanding why I would get into this relationship (again, x2) with all the   and settling for second best etc, I realise that this is not just a problem that effects my relationships.

I will throw a lot of effort into other people, bad jobs and bad decisions and not make the 'healthy' choice for myself in almost all areas of my life. I'm making unhealthy choices with food, putting faith into friendships that are not true two-way street friendships, making bad financial decisions and putting off things I Know I need to do in order to have a healthy life.

I'm not seriously obese but I need to lose 2 stone to be in the healthy weight range. I've been taken advantage of my multiple friends and family members in terms of investing in them/giving cash and it not being reciprocated, I make bad choices everywhere.

I had nailed my issues to the codependency mast, but is there more at play here, or are these crutches of codependency.

Is anyone else self sabotaging the rest of their lives?

[Moselle]

Trog,  I recognise the tendency. I also recognise the choices we have. It sounds like you have become seriously self aware, which is something I'd like to recognise. Well done!

Sorry to hear you find yourself in a  place with the consequences of poor decisions. That's tough.

I like the saying "If we are part of the problem, we are part of the solution". What are your next steps?

Here's a link which is very useful to plot where we are on the victim,  survivor,  thriver continuum

www.cbwhit.com/Victim-to-survivor.htm

[Trog]

Hello Moselle,

Thank you for this. I'm happy to say I've moved past victim in all of those scenarios but only reached thrived in a couple and even then, tenuously.

I've placed myself in lockdown since my relationship. Not an unhappy lockdown, I'm quite happy with my own company but an outsider looking in would not consider this a healthy place and it's not somewhere I intend to live, within survivor mode, but I think it's necessary to feel safe and begin making the right life choices. I'm isolated, I live in a foreign country, alone, I have work colleagues and we socialise at lunch and sometimes after work but during the weekends it is just me 100% of the time. I need to begin reaching out to others and slowly I feel that confidence to do so returning. I do not want anymore takers in my life when I am so raw, it comes from a place of lack my giving and creates resentment on my part.

I'm going to read some more from this author but this is a great check list for me to understand where. I was, where I am and where I need to be.

Thank you. I hope it also helps others here.

My next steps: an inventory of all the self sabotaging behaviour and listing what I need to do physically to help myself.

Continued self care and self awareness.

I hope at some point this behaviour will become natural, at that point I believe I will feel strong enough to have another relationship - a healthy one.

[Moselle]

It sounds like you are making good progress! Trog sorry you feel isolated. Do you speak the local language?

I'm still in my relationship and I had a real wake up call with these lists. I could only find one area where I was thriving and it was the one around recognising that emotional pain will pass LOL.

I'm determined to thrive in 5 by July and 10 by year's end.

I'm not sure if my relationship will survive my determination to thrive. It is what it is. I recognise that my choice to be healthy, places alot of pressure on her and she may opt out. That's her choice and I'm not in control of it.

[Pingo]

Trog, something my T told me earlier last year that helped me was 'baby steps'.  You don't have to do it all at once.  You can change one small thing at a time.  Or one part of one small thing.  The smaller the more chance of success and this will then bolster your confidence and you will be more inclined to try something else.  It builds a momentum.  A year ago I started to walk for half an hour on my lunch break.  This was a small change that led to a big change.  I'm back to hiking again like I did before I got wrapped up in the chaos of my uBPDexh.  I'm out enjoying nature and getting in shape.  But it started with one small change. 

I think that some of the self-sabotage comes from a fear of failure. And a need to do everything perfectly.  At least that is my case.  That's why it's important to try things first that you are not likely to fail at, doable things that are easy.  And with time habit-forming.

[Moselle]

The smaller the more chance of success and this will then bolster your confidence and you will be more inclined to try something else.  It builds a momentum. 

Thanks Pingo.  That's really inspiring.

[Popcorn71]

Trog, something my T told me earlier last year that helped me was 'baby steps'.  You don't have to do it all at once.  You can change one small thing at a time.  Or one part of one small thing.  The smaller the more chance of success and this will then bolster your confidence and you will be more inclined to try something else.  It builds a momentum.  A year ago I started to walk for half an hour on my lunch break.  This was a small change that led to a big change.  I'm back to hiking again like I did before I got wrapped up in the chaos of my uBPDexh.  I'm out enjoying nature and getting in shape.  But it started with one small change. 

I think that some of the self-sabotage comes from a fear of failure. And a need to do everything perfectly.  At least that is my case.  That's why it's important to try things first that you are not likely to fail at, doable things that are easy.  And with time habit-forming.

I totally agree with this comment.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Make small changes and you will be surprised at how other positive changes just seem to happen. 

A year ago I decided that I would make an effort to get out more and get over my xBPDh.  I didn't feel like it but forced myself to join a Meetup group.  Now I have a new busy social life, new friends, and new confidence in myself.  I believe this had a knock on affect to other areas of my life.  I have excelled at work, and had offers of a relationship from several male friends.  I haven't taken them up on their offers, but it's always nice to feel wanted.

Just try changing something that's not too difficult and see what happens!

[braveSun]

The more time I spent working on myself, [... .] I realise that this is not just a problem that effects my relationships.

I will throw a lot of effort into other people, bad jobs and bad decisions and not make the 'healthy' choice for myself in almost all areas of my life.

I commend you for 'showing up' Trog. I beleive it's a very human inclination. Reading this reminded me of my experience with my work, in the years following a natural disaster in my area. It's like I did not want to thrive, really. I did want to go slow. Just earning a living was enough for a while. And engaging in recovery with baby steps felt more like being real. It's when I exhausted the experimentation with low paying jobs that I started to 'release' the underlying issues with my losses and the pain.

In a similar way, I think that letting ourselves come to the shores of grief is an important step.