new here... advice needed?

[pennylane9]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to share my story and get some advice.

Im not sure if my husband has BPD, but he sure does show some traits. We have been married for 5 years and have a wonderful 2 yr old boy. I'll start at the beginning of his behaviors... when we first started dating, maybe after the first month, it started. He is incredibly insecure, had been cheated on by previous gf. He always questioned do i love him, an always asked the reasons why. This became almost a daily ritual. Then the fighting started. I really cant even remember what they even started over... literally nothing, if i became even slightly angry it would just go to the extreme. He would completely become unreachable, i couldnt talk reason with him... it was like he wasnt even there. He was never violent or anything like that... just shut down. he would become sarcastic and very bitter, saying i didnt understand and i didnt care about him, then it would turn into threats of suicide and he would end up a crumpled mess. This happened weekly. I took him to the doctor, she prescribed pristiq for his depression. It helped... the epsiodes turned into monthly, then now over the past few years, they happen maybe 2-3 a year. major improvement. During this past year though... we have been hit with a few issues... firstly his brothers wife was diagnosed with breast cancer with not a good outcome (he is very close to his family... they are overseas, his father left when he was a baby, so it was just him and his brother and mum growing up), he has always had trouble at work... always has an issue with someone... somebody is always doing something wrong and i would say who cares what they do, but he was always worried how it would make him look, then suddenly his focus would turn to somebody else and how they are doing everything wrong... always complaining about people, and this reason is why he lost his job. They said his attitude was too negative, he complained to much, didnt listen and nobody wanted to work with him... this caused him to completely break down. he lost all his confidence and trust in people. He knew he had to work, but everytime he got a job it would last a week because he couldnt deal with it. He would get told he did something wrong, or something he did was incorrect and you need to do it like that etc etc, and he just CANNOT handle criticism... at all! his reaction to criticism is incredibly extreme... he cries and becomes suicidal, worthless, disconnected, have panic attacks at the thought of returning to work... just extreme. We had a big blow out the other night, because i took the bait... i fought back, It's like i can never get angry, at anything... i cannot criticise him without it triggering an episode. He becomes so bitter and angry and just cannot communicate with him... its so frustrating! I hold in my anger and it exploded the other night... i hit out at him! He laughed, and smiled and shook his head like i was the crazy one... it made me so so angry! I feel ashamed i did that, but i was just so desperate... during an epsiode it is like he looses all his empathy... i could be crying my eyes out trying to reach him and he just laughs! its just awful! 90% of the time he is the most amazing human being, and although i spend that 90% walking on eggshells... its worth it. He is a loving husband... my best friend, and an amazing father to boot... he trusts me 100% and i trust him also. He is now in therapy... although he has ha only one session... the therapist has said do far she can see he is suffering from abadonement issues. Does it sound like he has BPD? He doesnt have the dangerous impulse part though... he doesnt gamble or have dangerous sex or take drugs or self harm though or anything like that... I will be sending an email to his therapist similair to this one i have posted just to give her abit of background info... and i will also be making an appointment for myself... on how to control myself and my anger when he becomes like that... i hate the way i become... i need tool to help myself also.

anyway thats my story... any advice or comments would be great.

thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Pennylane9,



I understand how difficult it is to cope with erratic and confusing behavior.     Coping with this type of behavior can make even the most even tempered and patient person really frustrated.  This site has wonderful resources for learning how to cope with frustrating behavior.  The motto on the staying board is "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Embracing the motto by learning the lessons on the right side of the board truly help with improving relationships.

I cannot diagnose your husband, that needs to be done by his therapist. Although there are quite of few traits you mentioned that are very common with people with BPD (pwBPD).  Impulsivity is one of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD, but only 5 out the 9 traits are needed for a diagnosis (DSM-V).  In essence, someone can be diagnosed as BPD without having the trait of impulsivity.

You mentioned contacting his therapist, is his therapy something that the both of you agreed to being involved with?

Taking care of ourselves first is very important while being in a relationship with a pwBPD. After walking on eggshells for a long time, I had so much bottled up frustration and anger towards my pwBPD. I exploded in anger a couple of times and said some really hurtful things to him.  Essentially, I made a bad situation almost worse with my anger and frustration.  I started to think differently and learned about the behaviors and how to communicate more effectively.

Communication tools truly help with giving the non BPD partner the knowledge how to express ourselves without triggering our partner.  Here is an article to help you get started.  TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

You will find that there are many people on this site that have similar situations. Posting here really helps when we are frustrated and angry.

[Corazon]

I'm diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

It is a very confusing process for both parties. I do know that my abandonment issues are from my parents death. I feel like I'm always fighting to make sure my boyfriend of two years to stay with me. I have weird things that set me off. One day he was talking about how one of his friends used this one girl. I was like "Oh since you associate with them, I bet you do the same thing". He gets upset and I will cry and say "Please don't leave me!"

I hope one day to be 'normal'. The first few months of our relationship was good until my dad passed away then I changed completely. I was always paranoid but it's more intense and so are the suicidal thought.

I don't know what to say besides that he needs help.

I know when I have my episodes, I like it when my boyfriend is reassuring. Even though it seems like it doesn't help, it does deep down.

We're just as confused as you.

[pennylane9]

Thanks EaglesJuju, I want to learn... Regardless of.his diagnosis, I need to learn the tools to reign in my frustration. Thanks for the link. I wanted him to go to therapy by himself but he wants me there... English is not his first language so he is a little hesitant. So we attended first session together and he wants me there for the next. He really wants the therapy, which I feel so relieved about. I'll do whatever it takes... I have a session booked for myself too.

And thankyou corazon... Yes he does need help... He knows this himself... and I need help also. I wish inbound take his pain away, but I know I can't... I just want to learn to be understanding of it and know the right tools to control my own emotions.