The great irony of getting dumped by a person with BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The great irony of getting dumped by a pwBPD is that she is doing you a favor.  The person who you thought was a 9/10 when you started dating is actually only a 2/10 -- and she's dumping you.  I mean, here you were, volunteering to be this person's caretaker for an illness you didn't know existed (and which was not appropriately disclosed to you), and now she is dumping you.  You have been released from your tour of duty.  I'm not trying to be condescending, but rather, simply blunt about the situation.  Granted, this doesn't diminish much the heartbreak of the breakup (yes, I am heartbroken that my pwBPD isn't mentally healthy and things didn't work out as planned with white picket fences, etc.). 

The key here is that, if just as the relationship was ending you discovered BPD, you are now free to read to your heart's content about this disorder.  Likely, your conclusions will be (1) this b/u wasn't my fault, (2) this only would have gotten worse, (3) I don't wish to have any (or have any additional) children with this person, and (4) I don't even want to try to be friends with this person.  By dumping you, the "cat's outta the bag" on BPD b/c now you're going to research it and realize the above conclusions.  You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all. 

[Tim300]

The great irony of getting dumped by a pwBPD is that she is doing you a favor.  The person who you thought was a 9/10 when you started dating is actually only a 2/10 -- and she's dumping you.  I mean, here you were, volunteering to be this person's caretaker for an illness you didn't know existed (and which was not appropriately disclosed to you), and now she is dumping you.  You have been released from your tour of duty.  I'm not trying to be condescending, but rather, simply blunt about the situation.  Granted, this doesn't diminish much the heartbreak of the breakup (yes, I am heartbroken that my pwBPD isn't mentally healthy and things didn't work out as planned with white picket fences, etc.). 

The key here is that, if just as the relationship was ending you discovered BPD, you are now free to read to your heart's content about this disorder.  Likely, your conclusions will be (1) this b/u wasn't my fault, (2) this only would have gotten worse, (3) I don't wish to have any (or have any additional) children with this person, and (4) I don't even want to try to be friends with this person.  By dumping you, the "cat's outta the bag" on BPD b/c now you're going to research it and realize the above conclusions.  You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all. 

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes you are spot on.  It has taken me 6 months to realise what a cheap relationship it really was.  Now I have met someone who is full square on developing a healthy relationship with me the thought of going back to BPD is 

[BlackHoleSun]

You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all. 

This is one of the best things i've read on here and its SO true!

[paperlung]

I felt sort of relieved at first when my ex told me she talking to somebody new and was going to meet him. Not only that, but she continued to reject therapy/treatment, which was something she admittedly asked of me to help her with. I was like, "Okay, I can finally walk away from this insanity and let somebody else deal with it."

[willtimeheal]

It is true. Once you learn and educate yourself about BPD you realize you are not crazy and you have worth and value.  I feel like I walked through hell but I did come out then other side and I am getting healthy. I am actually stronger and healthier now than I was before I ever met my exBPDgf... .of course I went thru hell to get here but I love who I am today.  You are right... .I am a catch! 

[charred]

The great irony of getting dumped by a pwBPD is that she is doing you a favor.  The person who you thought was a 9/10 when you started dating is actually only a 2/10 -- and she's dumping you.  I mean, here you were, volunteering to be this person's caretaker for an illness you didn't know existed (and which was not appropriately disclosed to you), and now she is dumping you.  You have been released from your tour of duty.  I'm not trying to be condescending, but rather, simply blunt about the situation.  Granted, this doesn't diminish much the heartbreak of the breakup (yes, I am heartbroken that my pwBPD isn't mentally healthy and things didn't work out as planned with white picket fences, etc.).  

The key here is that, if just as the relationship was ending you discovered BPD, you are now free to read to your heart's content about this disorder.  Likely, your conclusions will be (1) this b/u wasn't my fault, (2) this only would have gotten worse, (3) I don't wish to have any (or have any additional) children with this person, and (4) I don't even want to try to be friends with this person.  By dumping you, the "cat's outta the bag" on BPD b/c now you're going to research it and realize the above conclusions.  You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all.  

You put it so delicately. The attraction the pwBPD gets you with... the mirroring and love bombing, it is what draws us in... looks and sex a bit too, but its not a normal bond, its the kind that goes with un-conditional love, the kind between an infant-parent(a primary bond). That is why it is so unbelievably painful... more like losing a parent than a normal breakup.

So when you get right down to it... the r/s we are devastated by, is with a developmentally retarded , baby mommy substitute...  who we took abuse from like no one ever should, and who we miss porn star... welll   .

Yes they are a 2 on a 10 scale... and it is hard to accept that we can make a mistake of that magnitude... .used to trust my judgement and thought I was pretty smart. Now... I realize my ego did me no favors... in fact it is what 100% of the relationship ran on... dreams... illusion... .playing make believe. (At first she made believe I was great, then she imagined I was horrible... etc.)... so what do we make of all of it.

Do we have defective BS detectors? Lot of    , but they told us what we wanted to hear, and met our deep need (at first.)

I would have argued I didn't need a T for anything... was unscathed by my upbringing.

And I was wrong about that, wrong about my BPD gf being my soul mate (they are serial soul mates)... and wrong about so many things ... .but losing my BPDgf... most painful, best thing that has happened.

[myself]

The real mindfck is that the people with the most abandonment fears do the most abandoning, and if they didn't they could overcome the fears and actually be sincere with someone. Deleting their destructive patterns.

[Tim300]

The real mindfck is that the people with the most abandonment fears do the most abandoning, and if they didn't they could overcome the fears and actually be sincere with someone. Deleting their destructive patterns.

It's tragic and hopeless.   

[christin5433]

Good stuff and true . I'm at day 12 NC had the b/u from hell at Christmas time. Oct was on a couples vacation in sedona az. Revitalizing spiritually and boom not even a month in a half decides to b/u our family of 4 years over the most crazy reasons I went blank I lost all desire to defend myself? I was done too. She left but in the grand scheme of things while she threatened me over and over I actually accepted the threat. They need to believe they left but she might as well have been arguing with a zombie because I was not even fighting back. I told her go. Please go. It just made her crazy and all I hear here happened smear and serious damage . The pain of a b/u and total hate tactics after. Was brutal.

So for her to go is actuality a blessing I get slight moments of gratitude she's gone and I feel very sorry for her lack of responsibility and empathy . I couldn't do what's she's done to a human or an animal . I miss the fantasy of what I thought , who could know anyone is capable of such cruelty especially at b/u. I'm glad I'm out of that prison .

[Maternus]

  You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all. 

Yes, I was a "catch" - but only in the beginning. I don't think I like the person I was at the end of the relationship. She bullied everything that I liked about myself out of me. They take the best of you, steal it from you, squash it and throw it away like dirt. The good part is: When they are done with you they throw the rest of you into the same garbage can. You get it all back and you can leave some of your own rubbish in the garbage can. It's a painful experience - but in some way detergent.

[Jack2727]

Like you Christian I was dropped right before Christmas. Today it has been three weeks since I have heard from her. I'd say I am feeling better than I did before but the nights are hard, esp now that it is the weekend.

I think this is really more about me now breaking my old patterns and building a new self. In the past, I would swing from one bad relationship into another. Its been 15 years since I decided not to pursue anyone. Being "alone" has been good for me. I plan on shutting it down for the next few months, focusing on myself, and when I am ready, then start casually dating.

I know ultimately I will be better off. I know if I stayed with her I would be tied into a life of hell and dysfunction but there were moments where she was what I dreamed of. I remember those times. I remember the times when we would be driving back from the mountains and she would be next to me. The times where she was there.

Unfortunately, those times were infrequent. Most of the other times, it was her focused on herself and not my needs. Her being depressed. Her not wanting to be intimate. Her arousing my suspicions.

The woman I am going to marry someday is going to add value to my life, not bring me down. A week prior to our breakup I lost my job. When I was at my most vulnerable she forced me to break up with her. She dropped me like nothing. She was a reflection of my self worth. I need to get to the point where I greater value myself. Because if I did, I wouldn't have waited seven months and put up with it.

This board has been so helpful to me. To you girls and guys struggling out there. Peace be with you!

[ChadP]

[3) I don't wish to have any (or have any additional) children with this person/i]


The woman I was dating mentioned the possibility of having a kid with me and we had only dated a little over two months. I cannot begin to tell you how effed my life would have been had we had a child together. Kudos to those here that have the strength to co-parent with a BPDex.

[christin5433]

Jack2727 you had the same thing. I've been having a hard time I'm going through the motions of life my job was also at a stop. I'm on call and she knew I had no hours in dec. I must of been secure in the fact that I had no idea she was going to pull such a stunt. I think the reality if this is how she is when your down. Not ok at all . If I could cuss on this site I'd say it the way I really think of her lack of care.

I stood by her all the way when I should have left ... .I mean for 7 months when we first got together her ex husband left her w nothing. There child was used as a weapon to abuse me ...   She has ADHD . Hitting me . My ex went into serious depression while we were in honeymoon. Period due to her child and psychotic ex. I stayed strong . We built a family and a life. It really doesn't matter. It's the best thing I know I will believe that one day after I fix myself because she broke me over and over . Than in the end she finished the job the way a BPD does brutal.

[Copperfox]

  You were the "catch" -- the person with more to offer in the relationship, not her, not at all. 

Yes, I was a "catch" - but only in the beginning. I don't think I like the person I was at the end of the relationship. She bullied everything that I liked about myself out of me. They take the best of you, steal it from you, squash it and throw it away like dirt. The good part is: When they are done with you they throw the rest of you into the same garbage can. You get it all back and you can leave some of your own rubbish in the garbage can. It's a painful experience - but in some way detergent.

You are still the same person you always were.  No one, BPD or not, can take that away from you. 

The illusion within the BPD relationship has a strange way of lingering. Like a FOG. For a while, you don't feel like yourself.  But it's still there, underneath, you just have to rediscover it. 

[Ezra]

Like you Christian I was dropped right before Christmas. Today it has been three weeks since I have heard from her. I'd say I am feeling better than I did before but the nights are hard, esp now that it is the weekend.

I think this is really more about me now breaking my old patterns and building a new self. In the past, I would swing from one bad relationship into another. Its been 15 years since I decided not to pursue anyone. Being "alone" has been good for me. I plan on shutting it down for the next few months, focusing on myself, and when I am ready, then start casually dating.

I know ultimately I will be better off. I know if I stayed with her I would be tied into a life of hell and dysfunction but there were moments where she was what I dreamed of. I remember those times. I remember the times when we would be driving back from the mountains and she would be next to me. The times where she was there.

Unfortunately, those times were infrequent. Most of the other times, it was her focused on herself and not my needs. Her being depressed. Her not wanting to be intimate. Her arousing my suspicions.

The woman I am going to marry someday is going to add value to my life, not bring me down. A week prior to our breakup I lost my job. When I was at my most vulnerable she forced me to break up with her. She dropped me like nothing. She was a reflection of my self worth. I need to get to the point where I greater value myself. Because if I did, I wouldn't have waited seven months and put up with it.

This board has been so helpful to me. To you girls and guys struggling out there. Peace be with you!

This is basically what my relationship was as well. Moment of need and dropped like a hot potato, which is cruel considering all the times I stood by when she was depressed and couldnt get through life. We have a chance now at a normal life, free of one without a constant up and down and making you wonder what is going to happen next. I am hopeful in time we will be so glad this ended when it did. l hope you are doing ok

[outside9x]

Glad I read this.  I been doing good, but like all drugs like all compulsions I got somehow triggered today.  Triggered by her charms, her body, her smarts. She was a great cook, and lot of fun, sexy, but then daggers, and it was always about her, and nothing else.  The rants, the abuse, the raging.  Never could I please longer than a week or so and then again.  The countless breakups and rejoins.  Never hardly ever an apology unless she thought she was going to really be abandon.

So here was I just weak and feeling down.  Feeling I lost this Gem, this 10! Yes, I had plenty of dates, even at my age, and I have a great girl, of course she is wonderful, pretty, but not the same, and then, I SAW YOUR POST.

Thanks it stopped me in my tracks.  It's true.  It is!

I was with someone who never could be what I thought she was or who I thought I saw.  It was all a mirage at best, a cruel joke, that I sucked myself into after my divorce being married so many years.  Ah, you cause me to think to , feel and really realize what I did give up.

I was lucky to escape, lucky to have money left, lucky to get myself together once again, and try, to love again, to someone who can actually love, and all because I am worth it.  

We all our.  Thank you.  

And that's why this board is so good.  Everyone has golden moments of clarity and post them.  Sometimes we get lost and forget, and only see loss.  It is a drug, since it does create those chemicals inside of us.  

There was nothing to lose but ourselves if we stayed, or fool ourselves to longer pain and suffering.  No less than the worst drug that we needed to feel good, but that feeling is and has always been fleeting and we knew we felt bad regardless and we knew we walked on eggshells and could not be ourselves.   Inside of us anyway.  

Thank You    We can live again and be us and content, happy, and yes in love.  That was not real, and never really was.  The worst drug you can be hook on.  Until, you go cold turkey and be yourself  once again.