BPDsis now diagnosed, where to go from here?

[Meadowslark]

Hey guys, Meadowslark here again. So much has happened since my last post... .

My sister came back from holiday on Christmas Eve. I went over to our father's place for Christmas and Sis was acting very strange, out of character. She wanted hugs, wanted to put her head on my shoulder... .I knew it was all an act, given that my father was right there, as was his new girlfriend.

My sister and I used to play an online game together (I no longer play, one of the reasons being BPDsis' behavior in the game). Sis killed off one of her characters in a fit of rage one day several weeks ago. A week later, she demanded to have the character back and the game master (GM) told her no. When increasing threats didn't sway the GM's decision, my sister swallowed two bottles of pills and broadcast this over the internet to a couple different people. I had to call 911 and orchestrate the rescue attempt from my desk at work. This was two weeks ago.

She got released this passed Saturday with a diagnosis of BPD, so it's official. Supposedly she's started DBT while in the hospital but I don't think she's even remotely self-aware because... .

Now she's trying to start fights with me over the cats. She abandoned both of her cats into my custody mid-December saying she cannot take care of them herself. I have this in writing via text. I've been caring for the cats since we moved into an apartment together in July, with vet records and transactions at the pet store to prove I've been the primary caregiver to these two cats. They've been with me solely since mid-December as well.

She also wrote me a half-assed apology letter while in the hospital, without taking responsibility for anything that had happened our entire lives, didn't take responsibility for the rages, the beatings, the blame, destroying or stealing my things, taking advantage of me and costing me a great deal of money. It was an empty apology, like something coming from a small child.

I've reviewed my rights on pet custody in my state, and I believe I have a very good case to cover my butt in case BPDsis wants to involve the court system (for whatever reason). Dad wants nothing to do with this situation and tells me, "You two are adults, you two handle it among yourselves."

BPDsis has one more strike living with Dad and she's homeless. I know in my heart she'll have another meltdown over something and get kicked out and then where will the cats go? The pound? I won't have the money for the deposit again. She cannot and does not take care of them but she will not relent.

What advice do you guys have for me?

[Turkish]

Hi Meadowslark,

That sounds like a very scary and stressful situation with her suicide attempt. The BPD Dx must be a bit validating, but as you imply, it may mean nothing if she rejects it.

One thing which confused me was your comment about one strike with your dad and she's out, but you mentioned you live together with the cats. Where is she now, and what is her legal residence?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Meadowslark

Great to see you back - sorry it is still under trying circumstances.

Well it is a good thing to find she has an official diagnosis - at least it can validate your past experiences with her.

A sfar as her r/ship - living circumstance with your father, I suppose that is between them still. He gets to choose if he lets her continue to stay there and she gets to choose how she'll act and continue to live with the consequences.

It's great that she has started DBT but as you already know there are no guarantees she will continue with the treatment.

Have you a plan in place if she decides to default?

It's a long slow road that requires a good deal of commitment from her to change things.

Again I would be looking to your own boundaries and decide beforehand what you will do if and when she acts out.

I guess a half assed apology is better than none but you are under no obligation to accept it if you don't feel it's genuine.

A real apology acknowledges bad behaviour and the hurt it has caused, is genuine in regret and does something to mitigate that hurt.

Do you feel it achieved any of those things?

Her having been diagnosed and beginning therapeutic work does not necessarily change the dynamic between the two of you.

I guess the real question is what do YOU want to do?

Ziggiddy

[Meadowslark]

Thank you Ziggi and Turkish for your input.

My sis and I no longer live together - she decided to leave in December, so I moved out with the cats to my own apartment. She left them in my care, thinking she was either going to kill herself or be homeless. I've been taking care of them since then.

My sister lives with our father and has attempted suicide once while living with him. If she does it again, or causes needless drama again, then he will kick her out. That is the "last strike".

I sat and thought about it for a while... .I've decided to go NC - block her on every channel I possibly can. It's obvious to me that she's not self-aware and isn't taking her therapy seriously... .She's back involved in the game where she emotionally blackmailed the game master and is partaking in the habits that got her in trouble in the first place. I'm still painted black but mom is now white and nothing (except our colors) seems to have changed.

It's really sad... .how they can talk the talk and say that they'll get better, they're really work on things, and then nothing changes, you know?

@Ziggi - I don't think my sis' apology achieved anything other than pissing me off. She blamed me for problems that were of her own doing, for example, and never apologized for anything specifically. Either she can't remember the numerous incidences spanning decades, or she chooses not to acknowledge them for fear of taking responsibility for them. I gave the letter to my therapist and he read it, thinking the same thing. I no longer have the letter. Thank you for talking me through this - I really appreciate it.

[Ziggiddy]

Well I am glad you have found a decision that can set your boundaries in place, meadows. Toxic and abusive people who won't change will just go on pushing us to get what they want and if it is case then it's simply not safe to contact with them.

Well done for taking a hard step!

I might just mention something about the suicide ideation - whilst it is awful to contemplate self destruction the fact that you were manipulated into helping her previously and the fact that it is still an issue makes me feel encumbered to prepare you for how you would react if it were to happen again? Do you and your father have a plan for that? it's worth the preparation - the fire drill for the fire so to speak.

There's some information about what to do in that circumstance that you might consider. I'll post a link.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

It might be worth informing your father too.

As far as support goes, it's why we're all here      I'm glad you don't feel alone in this.

Will you keep looking after the cats? is that an issue for you?

[Deb]

Hi Meadowslark,

My sister was also diagnosed with BPD. But within a month of her diagnosis, she had found a therapist who she manipulated well and now she claims she only has PTSD because of how mean everyone is to her. Especially me. But I am ok with that now. It took time. The irony os that I was her last "champion" in the family!

Anyway, the only thing you can control is how you deal with it. Take care of yourself and don't accept any guilt from her bad behavior. It's the nature of the disease---much like alcohol and drug addiction---for the person afflicted to refuse to see that it really is "THEM" and not us that has the problem. 

[Meadowslark]

@Ziggi - Thank you for the encouragement and the link! I'll take a look at that. Right now, the "backup plan" for another possible suicide attempt is... .I'm not getting involved. I saved her butt last time and she didn't even say "thank you", she just got angry about the hospital bill. I told the GM (game master) not to talk to me about it after giving her all of the information 911 would need in case BPDsis threatens to her again. I also told Dad that I do not want any involvement with her or her threats.

The cats are extremely happy with me, and are acting different than they did before (when my sister was around). One of her cats was extremely skittish, running and hiding whenever anyone would come around that wasn't BPDsis. She seemed quite stressed all the time. Nowadays, she's lounging about in the open, warmly greets new people, seeks attention from them, is talkative... .Very different than the cat she used to be! Just last night, she laid with me for an hour or so, which would have been impossible just a month prior.

@Deb - It's so insane that your sister could manipulate a therapist and still make everything about herself... .I'm thinking my sister might do this, if she even gets into therapy. As it stands right now she doesn't seem interested in getting better or doing any work now that she's out of the hospital... .But it's not my problem anymore as far as I'm concerned.

[Harri]

Hi Meadowslark. 

Empty apologies piss me off too.   I am happy that you have made a decision to protect yourself and while I know NC is difficult, sadly it is often necessary.  I don't have much to add as everyone else has given such good feedback.  There is one thing I do want to mention though that may give a bit of perspective on your sister and her empty apology and seeming to not take her therapy seriously.  I have heard that when BPDs are in therapy, not only does it often take years to 'get better' if they even continue, but the last thing addressed is usually what pain and damage they have caused their family members, spouses, friends, etc.  I am not excusing her behavior towards you or her lame apology though.  I thought it might help *you* to know this. 

I told the GM (game master) not to talk to me about it after giving her all of the information 911 would need in case BPDsis threatens to her again. I also told Dad that I do not want any involvement with her or her threats.

Good for you!  Those are tough tough boundaries to set.   

Take care Meadowslark.