Meeting with my BPD husband today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been on the "healing and detaching" board for a long time. My husband asked me to come and talk to him today. My prayer is that both of us will listen to understand.  I want to approach this conversation with the wisdom to recognize manipulation,  but also with an open heart to what he has to say. I am honestly doing this with hope, but trying to remain objective. He is my love, but I have come a long way in seeing I cannot make up for what is lacking in him. If you can, take a minute to send some good thoughts and prayers out there for me. If he acts like he used to, he will be very insistent about not discussing the past and just moving on with our relationship.  I know that is impossible.  We need counseling and we need to better understand each other before we can even start talking about a future.  He will want to be  "in the moment" while I  will have to bring up the unhealthy way we interacted before. He will not want to examine things fairly and will most likely say hurtful things full of blame when he sees I will not just accept him at his word. I am married. I meant my vows, so I have to try. I could be a coward and not face it, but it is better for me to deal with more pain knowing it cannot be mended rather than the end coming and not knowing if we could have reconciled, but I refused to talk to him out of fear.

[Seriously?]

I have been on the "healing and detaching" board for a long time. My husband asked me to come and talk to him today. My prayer is that both of us will listen to understand.  I want to approach this conversation with the wisdom to recognize manipulation,  but also with an open heart to what he has to say. I am honestly doing this with hope, but trying to remain objective. He is my love, but I have come a long way in seeing I cannot make up for what is lacking in him. If you can, take a minute to send some good thoughts and prayers out there for me. If he acts like he used to, he will be very insistent about not discussing the past and just moving on with our relationship.  I know that is impossible.  We need counseling and we need to better understand each other before we can even start talking about a future.  He will want to be  "in the moment" while I  will have to bring up the unhealthy way we interacted before. He will not want to examine things fairly and will most likely say hurtful things full of blame when he sees I will not just accept him at his word. I am married. I meant my vows, so I have to try. I could be a coward and not face it, but it is better for me to deal with more pain knowing it cannot be mended rather than the end coming and not knowing if we could have reconciled, but I refused to talk to him out of fear.

[cloudten]

How did it go?

[Seriously?]

First,  he agreed to counseling.  Then he rescinded when I wouldn't sleep with him.  I walked out.  Then, he called on Monday and agreed to Counseling again. We have been talking on the phone a bit today. He invited me to come by. I did, but set boundaries by making it clear I was wanting to hang with him, but didn't want him to try to have sec with me.  He seemed like he was fine with it. I had explained to him how much it would hurt me because of past hurt and now I cannot trust him with my heart.  He gave me the silent treatment for two hours and would not kiss me goodbye. Why have me come when he clearly didn't want me there? I think just to see what I would do. I was calm and just left. If he behaves like he used to, he will call me up tomorrow like nothing happened.  It's that intermittent punishment/reward thing. Nothing I did or said warranted his behavior.  If I was still in the FOG I might be wracking my brain to figure out how I "displeased" him. I am just going to keep my distance because clearly I don't want him to twist me all up again.

[cloudten]

  Good for you walking out! That is soo hard to do! Isn't it frustrating how they can just pretend like nothing happened? I would definitely hold your ground on counseling if that is what you want to do.  I have told mine that we need to go together... .because I do not believe he is honest and straightforward with his therapist. I tell him that the only way I will continue talking to him is if we go together. I play it off more like that it is couples therapy, but really its because I just want him to be in therapy. I have made my own arrangements for my own therapy.

So are you on the fence with him? I'm assuming  you are still married but separated?

[Seriously?]

I am definitely moving from ambivalence to so-long Buddy. We have been separated for 7 months. This is the first time we have sat down to talk since he has been gone. I think because I had so much time to grow, heal, and get stronger,  I can see his manipulation and emotional immaturity so clearly now. I am sticking to the counseling requirement.  I am also wondering if I want to spend my life placating a child. I had already filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery,  and it looks like I will follow through with that. It's very sad to me, but I honestly had kind of forgotten how much stress it was to be with him. I was missing the good times when he called to ask if we could talk.

[cloudten]

Yay! It sounds like you are doing so good though! The good times are what I have held onto for sure. They can be completely amazing. But are the bad times worth it? I don't think so, not in my case anyway. I am so glad you have been able to get the space to step back, heal, and look at things with fresh eyes.

I am very sorry for your divorce. That will come with a whole new set of baggage that divorce brings.  I have been divorced 3 years from a non BPD, but he did have ADHD soo bad.  Yes, I keep picking winners.

If you choose to finalize the divorce, take lots of time for you. I think a lot of people jump into another relationship right away. What I have found with my own friends in real life, and read a lot of on here, is that a lot of newly-divorced fall into a relationship with a BPD because it is those amazingly good times.  I have had it happen to 3 close, personal friends, and of course myself. So be very wary of the first relationship... .be mindful of the red flags... .because I'm sure you don't want a repeat.

Best wishes! Feel free to message me anytime!

[vickmeister]

That's so like my H. Agree to something, get mad, rescind the agreement. Or deny having agreed.

Or get really mad, say horrible things, then pretend he didn't say them.

I've been out of my house for four months now, Seriously. I can identify myself in your post in many many ways.