Update: six months after the b/u

[Tiepje3]

I haven't been on the board since pre-Christmas. It wasn't a conscious decision. I guess I was in a different state of mind and didn't 'need' it as much as I needed it after my b/u in August with uBPD/NPDstbxh. Still stbx, still in the middle of divorce proceedings (ugly). I've visited his relatives in the States (I live in Europe) after Christmas. Turned out he unfriended his own sister on FB as well, even though she's going through a very rough period in her life. He hasn't spoken to his brothers for seven months now and they're totally done with him as well. They appreciated the fact that I'm still in their lives and vice versa. When I complained that I wished I'd never met him, they answered that in that case I would have never met them as well... .And I love them!

I haven't talked to stbx since September last year. I haven't seen him since October (a day in court) and I only broke contact once by e-mail because I needed a key to some very important software. He responded in a kind way. I still don't know where he lives. Only one set of ex-mutual friends knows where he lives, but they won't tell since we're not on speaking terms anymore (they owe me money and won't pay back). I've seen one picture of him and the replacement which showed up on my daughter's FB. I know he had to put his (very old) dog down, but didn't even give us the chance to say goodbye, even though the dog lived with us for five+ years.

Where am I now? I've been focussing on my education and I've finished this semester with good grades, despite the very difficult last year. I'm still enjoying playing in a band and meeting with my good friends. I still have the occasional suicide-thoughts (but I don't act on them). I see a T. every two weeks. I try to stay strong for my three teenagers, but I sometimes hate being strong all the time. Stbx and I talk through our lawyer's, mostly about money. He wants to get together for a meeting about that stuff, but I can't bear to see him, because I know I'm still so much in love with him and long for his warm embrace. I repeat the cycles of grief, anger, denial, indifference etc., but the cycles become shorter and less intense.

I've needed to read as much as I could about BPD/NPD and being on this board has helped me through some really bad patches in my life, a life saver for sure! So thank you all. I don't know if I can say I'm moving on, but I'm still standing. There is no going back and I hate that thought, there's only going forward and I don't really know where that path is leading, so in the meantime I'm breathing, trying to do fun activities, enjoying my children and give in to my grief every now and then.

It is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but you know what? I have my family, I also have his family, I have my friends and what does he have? He moved to another town, no one here has seen him anymore. He had to rebuild his life (again), reinvent himself (again) and he has lost everything (again). I am the one who will be getting better, he is the one who is repeating himself over and over again.

What helped me most this last year was this board, a lot of meditation (listening to the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm on YouTube), trying to stay focussed, a lot (A LOT!) of crying, my T., my friends, a lot of activities. Looking back I've done pretty well and I can be proud of myself. Even though I wish it was a year ago, when everything still seemed fine. I miss my husband like crazy, it's like I've become a widow overnight, I still long and yearn for him. But then I remind myself of all the grief he caused me and that sort of puts things into perspective.

The best thing though that happened is that I started to write with one of the members on this board and she and I really had a click. We still write to each other on a daily basis, kind of 'use' each other as a diary and I cherish this new-found friendship.

My advice to others: no contact, no snooping around on social media (destructive!), give in to grief and self-pity, pick yourself up after giving in to the grief and self-pity, plan activities, meditate and find a good mantra for yourself. Mine is: 'this too shall pass'.

I will be revisiting this board every now and then, it's still very helpful. Knowing that you're not the only one is the best!

[peace_seeker]

Hi Tiepje3, THANK YOU so much for this post. I needed to read this to remind myself that yes, what I am doing now is normal (wrt the reading alot on NPD/BPD), and there eventually things will get better! I feel very much connected to what you wrote because firstly both our uBPD/NDP are male (there seems to be so many more broken hearted male here than female!), I am also currently pursuing my studies, and I also started listening to Ajahn Brahm to find some wisdom throughout this suffering 

It has been 3 months post BU for me. and 3 weeks of no contact (even though I must admit i did peep at his FB DP every now and then). But I know how destructive it is, and i'm rather determine to stop doing that. Thanks again, I'm glad to see you coping well and looking at the bright side of life. I hope I'll be where you are in another 3 months too

[Infared]

Tiepje3

Thank you so much for that beautiful, balanced post. Your "seeing the pluses and the minuses" and your total honesty about the Ying and the Yang of these breakups is refreshing.

I do not have children and I lost her family (who all loved me and I loved them)... .but there was nothing I could do about all the BPD lies that she told them and played victim with them to justify presenting her new supply into their lives (she lived with me for 5 years and was cheating on me with this person for who knows how long?).   So I sent them a letter that told them how much I loved them and then had to let them all go. I would have been making things award if I had not. They were manipulated by their beautiful "innocent victim"... .there was nothing I could do to maintain a relationship with them.

I am much farther away from my relationship than you and I still grieve and miss the person that I "thought" that she was ... .but we all know that eventually ... .actions speak louder than words... .and in the end all we can do is to completely stay away from their lies and their craziness and take care of us... .even though it is that last thing that we ever wanted.

Thanks for openly sharing your current situation with us... I identify with your feelings soo much... .and yes ... it is comforting to know that I am not the only one.