He wants to leave.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He asked me to help with his car stuff.

He asked me to slide the seat back . I couldn't figure out which lever. He called me stupid and took over, sliding the seat back. Then he slammed the door closed. Turns out I had pushed the lock button with my butt.

His spare key was in the car.

Spent an hour cussing me out. Then he left without me. Told me to leave his house and go home 2 hours away.

I went to mcdonalds instead. I don't know how to face my parents if I come back a day earlier.

He invited me back over. Then yelled at me for being dumber than a dog for an hour.

Says he wants to have a conversation when we go away somewhere while his roommate has a guest over.

I'm guessing that either he wants to break up, give me some ridiculous ultimatum or tell me to get his car fixed for him.

And I'm sitting here, waiting for us to leave. And I want to die inside. I thought about slitting my wrists for a moment because the pain started feeling so overwhelming.

I've put up with him for over a year and a half. All his BPD and NPD bull.

Yesterday we had the loveliest evening. He cooked me dinner, we had a very passionate and intimate night after that. Woke up very happy. Until this happened we seemed to be fine. Having a good day.

Then now he's telling me that every day this week he has been considering breaking up with me.

I just don't know anymore. I'm scared and feeling very alone and as if I've made a huge mistake.

Staying with him.

[misuniadziubek]

He asked me to help with his car stuff.

He asked me to slide the seat back . I couldn't figure out which lever. He called me stupid and took over, sliding the seat back. Then he slammed the door closed. Turns out I had pushed the lock button with my butt.

His spare key was in the car.

Spent an hour cussing me out. Then he left without me. Told me to leave his house and go home 2 hours away.

I went to mcdonalds instead. I don't know how to face my parents if I come back a day earlier.

He invited me back over. Then yelled at me for being dumber than a dog for an hour.

Says he wants to have a conversation when we go away somewhere while his roommate has a guest over.

I'm guessing that either he wants to break up, give me some ridiculous ultimatum or tell me to get his car fixed for him.

And I'm sitting here, waiting for us to leave. And I want to die inside. I thought about slitting my wrists for a moment because the pain started feeling so overwhelming.

I've put up with him for over a year and a half. All his BPD and NPD bull.

Yesterday we had the loveliest evening. He cooked me dinner, we had a very passionate and intimate night after that. Woke up very happy. Until this happened we seemed to be fine. Having a good day.

Then now he's telling me that every day this week he has been considering breaking up with me.

I just don't know anymore. I'm scared and feeling very alone and as if I've made a huge mistake.

Staying with him.

[Mutt]

Hi misuniadziubek,

 

I'm sorry to hear that. He's emotionally dysregulated. I can relate. It's hard being put through that.

How are you feeling now?

[misuniadziubek]

I'm okay now. It's been two days. I had a pretty bad nervous breakdown over the whole thing. Mostly because when I tried to talk to him, he kept pushing my buttons instead of talking it out, until I crossed the threshold with little hope of going back.

Non-stop crying, trying to make the pain go away, alcohol and eventually scratched my arms up with a screwdriver but then wet them with rubbing alcohol to prevent an infection. I could see why he used to cut himself. It's a very numbing feeling but very temporary as well. I would never go on to continue doing it though. I was really desperate. This was all while he was in the living room chilling and laughing with his roommate where I wasn't allowed to go because the roommate had a guest over and didn't want any drama. She made that very clear. My eyes were too swollen to show my face anyways.

The biggest thing here was the fact that I really needed him. To feel close to him. I felt really abandoned and alone. I reached out to other people to talk it out online, but most of all I needed him and he simply wasn't there. I couldn't express it either, because I was too irrational and emotional to be clear on that. I'm not ashamed of any of it. It was how I reacted. I didn't feel like I had much control over anything.


He eventually came back to the room to let me know that we were leaving, in essence to also have that conversation he talked about. We became intimate for a moment. It was all through resentment for me though. He told me that I looked really sad. I told him I was fine.


We proceeded to have a very bad argument in the car. I said things through the eyes of a victim. I blamed him for things. I was very indifferent to him. I pretty much broke every rule I had for dealing with him. I was worn out.

I pushed him to the point that he finally told me what he had wanted to tell me.

1) His landlord hates me. Because my buttcrack shows whenever I'm helping my uBPDbf with his car or something in the driveway. Plumbers crack he said. And also because I'm stressing out his roommate who is the landlords niece.

2) His roommate is too stressed out by me. She is going to college now and doesn't need my drama and screaming filling the room. He tells me that he thinks that he's just going to slap me every time that I raise my voice.

- Sidenote. He wouldn't though.  He doesn't actually get physically violent towards me. The worst he has ever done was punch me in the shoulder or knee, and not at full force and that was because we had gotten into an actual physical altercation. We've had a few of those, but they always ended peacefully. He says these sorts of things as an expression of how frustrated he gets. He doesn't act on those urges. I've never felt he was capable of hurting me.

3)He tells me that if either his roommate or landlord tell him that I've gotta go, then he's not going to to object to it. (I talked to his roommate later on. She still adores me. I did apologise for the drama that went on all day, since she witnessed his tantrum over getting locked out of his car and was trying to calm him down himself.)

4) He tells me that even his roommate told him that I'm dumb as a child and that he shouldnt be asking me to help him with anything.

'Overall I've noticed that you can't figure simple things out. And I've been wondering why you do all these problems and I think you're stupid. and now i've realised it, yeah. You're stupid. You gotta be. I kind of wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but yeah, now i've got enough evidence now to conclude that yeah, you're dumb as hell."

Me: Because I locked the door with my butt. Like explain that to me. -THAT"s Why you think I'm stupid."

"Okay well, the FIRST step was that you couldn't slide the seat back. You saw there was a lever there. Where you just grab it and slide it. Doesn't have to be complicated. It shoudln't look the same in every car. In fact if you expect it to look the same in every car, then you're dumber than I thought."

Me: Well first I was trying to press other things. And you began to get mad at me that I was pressing those other things. And so I was trying to figure out which one would do the job. And you started to get mad at me and cuss, lost your patience and told me just let me do it."

"There's only one lever in the front."

Me: Regardless, you didn't give me the time to find it. You instantly took over because I was taking too long.

Him: Shut up shut up. Stop saying regardless.

me: You still took over. You dind't even give me a chance to figure it out. I don't know your car. I need time to figure it out how to do it. And so, you ended up slamming the door out of anger, and it turns out I hit the lock thing on the car by accident.

"YOU locked it. You were dicking around trying to shove your whole head under the seat."

"BECAUSE I was trying to find the lever. Do what you told me to do."


"Well I dont get WHY did it take so long."

Because I COULDN"T figure it out.

"It's like watching a dog chasing his tail.

It's simple, either give me the chance to figure it out. Or do it yourself.

"Its useless, you take so much time to figure things out you always drag me down."

Me: Either give me a chance or do it yourself .

The point isnt giving you a chance. The point is you were stupid to begin with. You had a chance. You f-ed it up.

"I did f- up cause I couldn't figure it out."

"shut up.  No its not that you couldn't figure it out. it's that you didnt want to look at the f-ing lever.

"I did look but you took over anyway.

"its that thing right there. All you had to do was pull it.

well i didn't knwo where it was!

"You did. You stupid b___! Shut up! DOn;t say you didn't know.

"Because I DIDN"T"

"Sh. F*.RUFKm. You've NEVER moved the seat before."

"No! I haven't."

"F.SH>RIt's the same as every F** car!"

"Apparently not, because in my car its something you pull under."

"Shut up, you stupid b___. I dont see how you could be so f* retarded. You come into someone's house and they ask you to turn on the light and you go "boohoo i dont know where your light switch is. I can't find it, cause it looks diiiiiferent. boohoo."

"Well if they don't have it on the wall by the door, no I probably won't be able to find it. Not if it looks different, if its in a different place.

He then gets so frustrated that he throws a box at my back ...

I start crying. "Why would you throw sh* at me? What is wrong with you?"

"Cause you wouldn't listen!"  

"Why would you throw things?"

"Are you kidding me?

(Crying) "Seriously. what the heck is wrong with you."

'YOu couldn't find a f* lever."

"Because I couldn't"  

"Yeah okay. That's all you can do. Physically assault me. That's all you can do. Throw sh* at me."

He proceeds to repeat everything he has been saying to me while holding my face. "You do know, you were just being a lazy f***."

"That isn't true."

"Fine then, and that's how you lose a boyfriend."

"___ you."

I stomp out of the room. He repeatedly asks if I'm leaving for good. I keep responding with no.

[misuniadziubek]

Him: You know there's an issue. You expect me to fix things. I hold you to a person standard. I'm not a charity case, not a kindergarten teacher, I expect you to perform. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with a kid. It's why i left my ex. Just perform like a normal person.

Me: If i tell you i cant do something. you wont get mad?

"If its somehting hard. then i can undesrtand. If you can't do something, then learn to do it. But if its something retarded, then I'm sorry but I'm going to get mad.

I can't be with someone who doesn't pull their own weight. It's an ankle weight. I don't need to drag you around. I'm done wasting my time with you. Either change or I'll find someone else

Sorry if this is a bit too long. I recorded most of that conversation. I can see why I ended up breaking down completely eventually. I let him get into my head too deep. I didn't employ any of the skills I would usually use to not only diffuse the situation but to make him feel like I understand where he's coming from.

In the case of the lever. It's a bit ridiculous from both ends. I realised that sometimes I get too anxious when he asks me to help because the risk of failing is too high and so I don't function or think critically. That whole part of the brain responsible for critical thinking shuts down. I go into survival mode.  So I told his roommate that he shouldn't ask me to do things if he can simply do it himself. It's more to diffuse his own potential for frustration. She repeated that to him in her own words and he used it against me, as proof that even his roommate considers me an idiot. :P

I think the most intense part of all of this was he eventually started yelling at me in the car. I was already an emotional wreck. I regressed to basic survival mode. My phone got wet and I needed it fixed. He refused to help me and told me to do it myself. I tried but was very intensely failing, and started cursing at him.

The most interesting part is that at one point, I finally got ahold of myself. I calmed down. I realised where I'd gone wrong and I accepted it as an inevitable consequence of not doing things properly. I then also realised that my emotional outburst left him very hurt. I realised I'd left him feeling unappreciated when he did actually try to help me help myself. He got very docile and mostly sad, saying that me cursing at him makes it seem like he isn't appreciated.

He functions on very basic emotions at times, no matter how intelligent he is. I can recognise them, and I realised that I had dug my own grave that day by reacting irrationally to so many things. It was all very irrational, but I couldn't use any of the tools I had in the moment. I was far too upset and broken. The next day, I took things into my own hands with a very different perspective and attitude, and it made all the difference. He started to get dysregulated and feeling very intense disappointment, and I nipped it in the bud instantly. I made him feel understood and comforted him and he went from incredible sadness back to enjoying himself.

I also have realised that I need to take time to consider things regularly. This whole situation was very severe on both sides. This sort of thing has actually not happened since last September. Since then, he has actively tried to function better in our relationship and I acknowledged it in our most recent conversation, which left him feeling like I saw how hard he was trying. That was a really important moment for both of us. There has been a lot of progress. I use these kinds of situations as a pulley to improve the relationship even more.

He saw how irrational I was the whole of Saturday. So he sent me an article about irrational ideas. He wanted me to see how I was acting. It's actually a really decent article and I can see where I used to lack and perhaps areas I could still work on.

I firstly highlighted and copy/pasted a paragraph about how yelling, judging or punishing someone for not being able to do something is not going to make them able to do something better.

He got angry and told me to not try to justify my willful ignorance

Then he apologised.

Interesting... .

[Mutt]

Hi misuniadziubek,

Thanks for sharing. It helps to talk.

He functions on very basic emotions at times, no matter how intelligent he is. I can recognise them, and I realised that I had dug my own grave that day by reacting irrationally to so many things. It was all very irrational, but I couldn't use any of the tools I had in the moment.

I've been here countless times. I didn't know the tools at the time and I know the tools now. Don't be hard on yourself  

When he's dysregulated, angry, raging, we can't get our SO's in a calm state and unfortunately tools won't work.

Let me give you an alternative choice. Walk away from the situation and let him calm himself down.  In a scenario like this, he's has nothing good to say about you  ( he involves the roommate too ) and you can't change this perception.

Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage

It's very hard emotionally.

Can you step out and say you have an errand to run and I'll be back later as to not trigger his abandonment fears?

[misuniadziubek]

The rage thing is actually really helpful. I haven't considered that in a while. That it's unrelated to me but I'm a good release for it.


The only thing is though, walking away. I do that a lot temporarily. I go off to calm myself down, because once I calm down I can actually be useful and maneouver through anything he throws at me.

The thing is though, he gets really upset if I leave for longer than that, he tells me that I'm just throwing a fit. That I'm free to leave for good. Running and errand turns on his clinginess. I once left him for 4 hours. He went from screaming to telling his roommate I stole his laptop to calling me up in tears begging me to come back, and asking why I can't just be normal and think before I act. I came back. We talked almost rationally, minus him blaming me for the whole situation.

I'm always at fault it seems. Especially the car thing. He could have had his spare key outside of his car and prevent having to break into his car. But no, it's about how I could have prevented it by not being too dumb to figure out how to adjust a seat.

[Mutt]

Who's having a fit?   He's subconsciously projecting his negative emotions and actions and trying to attribute this to you. Rages are an emotional cleansing and if you think about it, he's not treating you like the person that you are. He's treating you like a means to an end - objectifying the romantic partner.

Aloso misuniadziubek is he not acting and behaving like a child of about 2 - 4 with his tantrums? You walk out of the room or wherever the case may be and he gets agitated and fearful because what he fears most perceived or real is abandonment. What helps is telling him you'll return.

I understand how hard the push pull behavior is and being on this emotional rollercoaster. Not fun! It also signals to him that this is acceptable behavior. You can set boundaries if he does X, I respond with Y. Borderline rages are excruciatingly difficult to take the brunt of and not to mention - safety. In this state, he's simply has to let it run it's course and there's nothing that we can do to soothe a pwBPD. He's mentally ill and likely isn't aware of the intensity these sessions are. We can't control another person and we can control ourselves. I suggest get out and find some place to go or something to do.

You're not dumb, it could of been the car seat or anything else for that matter, he's baiting. That doesn't belong to you, that belongs to him. I'm sorry you had to go through this

[misuniadziubek]

You've been very helpful. Especially on the rage thing. It is easier to go all out on me. Because at the end of the day, I'll still be there for him and love him and shower him with attention.


I think the biggest difference in him in the past couple of months is that he will get angry for a moment, and then he will go right back to being sweet and friendly. He jumps back into reality quicker. He appreciates my efforts more often and he feels like I understand him most of the time. Late at night, around the time we were going to bed, he told me I was his best friend. After everything we'd been through, it was probably one of the greatest moments that made me feel like all the work I'd done to be stronger, more validating, less reactive had blossomed into something wonderful and the relationship had become more constructive and healthy.

I suffer from some pretty bad anxiety though, so analysing this has been a bit overwhelming for me.

I realised today that this whole outburst, all that rage he expelled at me, the fact that he told his roommate he might make me not come up for a few weekends, it's related to something else. His landlord has complained about me.

Because his roommate has complained about the stress of me being there is causing in her life. Because we fight and we are loud sometimes. His roommate has been noticeably more passive aggressive lately and he was getting really upset over it.

Turns out she also told the landlord (her uncle) that she might move out because of us. I don't see a reason why he'd lie about that.

So in lieu of this potential situation, which my boyfriend blames on me, obviously, he told me that I can't come up a night earlier since I have Friday off from work. At first he just said I'd burned my bridges. Then he hung up on me. I gave him a moment and he called back and explained all of this.

And then he was back to being really sweet.

And so, he found this out. He got really stressed out about it. He couldn't really explain it to me right away. He held onto it until he found a reason to let go. (Getting him locked out of his car) He flipped out on me. Then he told me the truth about the situation. That day was about him finally getting a release from something that had severely affected him . That's why he made me such a nice dinner the night before and was extremely kind to me. He was overcompensating for what he'd come to find out. He had pondered all week if to break up with me so that he wouldn't lose his place of residence. He's worried about either being kicked out or losing the ability to see me on weekends.

He cares very much. He wants to hold onto me. He can't imagine his world without me. He just isn't capable of fixing what's going on. He is anxious to the point that he doesn't know how to express it. So he took it out on me, blamed me.

Does this make sense? Or am I justifying things too much.