Open Marriage Take Two: The Good, The Bad and The Crazy

[Bloomer]

Before I left on my two week trip, I asked H about being open during that time. He was positive about the idea and we set up some preliminary ground rules and talked about boundaries, tried to cover as many bases as possible. I still had some reservations and so I told him I wasn't sure if I'd partake during my trip but I would tell him in advance if I wanted to do it for sure.

I needed to give myself time to process. Once I got here I checked in with myself and just tried to get a sense of how I was feeling and if I *wanted* to meet anyone knew. I decided that I thought it was a really exciting prospect to meet someone new and just be myself with that person. Feel confident not because I was getting attention but because it just felt good to do something new and say this is me, take it or leave it, I don't care.

So I waited until my cousin had plans with her bf one night and I ended up meeting someone from Tinder. I had a really good time, actually stayed up talking all night like a teenager and only PG-13 intimacy. This morning I had a text saying "I hope you had a nice time" from H. I responded that I did and he immediately jumped on my case for not texting him when I got home. I told him I didn't know I needed to do that. I had told my cousin where I was going, what the guy's name was and he never mentioned he expected this. He made himself sick worrying about me and felt angry that I didn't "use common sense". I tried to tell him this is a new situation, I have no idea what you expect unless you tell me and I'm sorry you were so worried. I never meant to worry you.

He was still upset I didn't understand his anger or agree it was common sense. He jumped directly into asking if I had intercourse with this guy. So I felt really anxious and nervous, particularly since he previously told me he wanted NO DETAILS about my encounter. I answered all his questions but it felt like an interrogation. I told him I felt this way and he told me he wasn't angry and he really wanted to know everything. It just felt really controlling, like if I didn't respond soon enough he would text the same question. How do I verbalize what wasn't ok about that behavior?

We talked on the phone and he asked if *I* was calm before he jumped down my throat about how thoughtless I was in not texting him. How I know what happens to women in this country and he would expect me to message no matter who I went out with. I explained that I have gone many places without having to message him when I got home and he never got upset. He conveniently forgot. He then got off the phone with me because I was being unreasonable and texted me that "This is a pattern for me. Causing him intense emotional discomfort and not taking responsibility... .I'm so nasty to him"

I responded trying to use more logic, which I know is just futile. Then he called me an idiot... .I said I wanted to take space, he said he didn't want to speak to me the rest of my trip (get in Saturday) and that he needed to think about some things. Then he continued to message me and I totally dropped the ball and kept defending myself.

On a side note, I did have a great time with my date. I felt really proud of myself for doing it at all and even more proud when I remembered what it was like to be an individual person. I also thought about all the qualities H has that this guy didn't have. (My brain works mostly in comparison mode, which I know isn't the best) However, I thought this was sort of positive because it made me feel good about my decision to be with H. Of course I felt like an idiot this morning when we had the disagreement.

For those who are familiar with open relationships (and hopefully functional ones), can you offer up any advice on the disagreement or how to talk about this without feeling a bit worried that your SO will get hurt when they actually hear what happened with another partner?

So, in summary, I'm a hot mess right now and I know I did none of the things I should have. Please help with damage control.

 Bloomer

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

So, in summary, I'm a hot mess right now and I know I did none of the things I should have. Please help with damage control.

Q1: You had a fun date. Are you interested in another date with him? Or planning it already?

Q2: "I did none of the things I should have."

Actually it isn't at all clear to me what you did wrong, at least in an open r/s context.

Can you elaborate on what you did wrong here?

Advice on damage control... .nothing special here about an open r/s. Your H is a pwBPD. Standard BPD tools should do the job as well as it can be done.

1. Boundary enforcement to prevent raging / circular arguments.

2. Don't invalidate him. Don't JADE when he accuses you of stuff.

3. Validation of his fears.


Advice on open r/s: My experience is with long term polyamorous r/s... .in that context... .if your marriage is a hot mess right now, don't start anything new. When involved with a pwBPD, that circumstance is all too common! [It is your call how much drauma is in your marriage right now, not mine I did say "IF".]

The reason is that it doesn't seem to me to be fair to pull somebody else into a r/s with the unresolved conflict and crazyness. In addition, you probably are better off without adding anybody crazy enough not to care about mixing it up with that level of chaos! The sane ones will run away screaming! 

Not sure if this applies to swinging / casual sex / casual dating... .No personal experience there.