Though I am obsessing and thinking about her more than I'd like, I am finally starting to see clarity. I hated her for so long. Deep rotting festering hatred for how she treated me and how easily she gave up everything I had done for her and moved on to another guy and how she treated me afterwards. Her selfish actions during and especially after our r/s just amazed me.
But I am finally realizing something. My T told me months ago that I was "dodging a bullet", the T emphasized this point over and over. I am finally realizing just how true this is. Just remembering how my exBPDgf could never be satisfied, how when things were going PERFECT she would cause chaos, how she would project her inner demons on me in the most hateful way, all of these things just show how incomplete they are and how much turmoil they are in.
When I think of her now I have times when I am angry but now I just feel such sadness for her. She will go through life jumping from one person/thing to another to try to find something that is missing. All the while causing tremendous distress to the people around her and almost worst of all it could affect her children and cause a never ending cycle of the same behavior and life full of chaos. No one should live in a life filled with chaos, I can't imagine never having any instability for more than a few weeks/months.
Though they do malevolent unforgivable things it is just shows how unsatisfied and intense their lives are.
I feel so sorry for her and I wish she could just be truly happy and above all have PEACE in her life. Her emotions, actions, and life was always going 100mph and to me that seems like an existence filled with extreme pleasure, and severe bitterness/pain, with no in between and no stability.
Poor woman. I would hug you and tell you everything would be okay but I don't want to ever ever see you again. Not bc I hate you but because it is a toxic relationship whether we are together or not.
Congrats! It sounds like you have moved a bit closer to healing. It's a very difficult trauma that we have all experienced here. There are stages of healing that we all are ready to go through at various times. Nobody is the same! Honestly it is the worst pain I have experienced in my life other than the death of my beautiful grandmother.
I remember my anger and all of my questions to myself and all of the disappointment of this failed relationship that I did everything within my power to make the greatest experience of our lives.
Swallowing my pride that I did my best and accept there was nothing humanly possible for me to bring peace to him, I walk out of the relationship and all of the crazy that went with it.
I felt as I had failed as a person, self blame for somebody else's happiness, makes no sense to me now, but in the fog was very confusing!
It's a long journey to fixing us, and even getting to the point of being able to look at us really deep inside, and say ok, how do figure out how I got into this unhealthy relationship in the first place. Learning skills and lessons and learning to be fantastic in our own skin and love ourselves is very important and can give us a better look at what disfunction can look like easier in others.
You are healing! Keep going, keep posting, keep reading. When you are ready, try the lessons here, they really help understand more as you become more available to heal.
Hugs to you!
This is a long road that we here are on with you. Some are further and new ones arriving almost daily. We are in it together! Supporting and understanding each other's torments and pains associated with BPD.
Rifka
