Times running out for 17 year old child.

[Highlander]

Hi I am, at times, on the "staying improving a relationship partner has BPD".  My husband has diagnosed low functioning BPD, our therapist has said to me his mother & sister seem to have undiagnosed high functioning BPD.  I am completely surrounded by it.  The more I read about it the more I see that a small number of other people in my life either may have it or most certainly have strong traits.

I am convinced that my friend' girlfriend's daughter (17 years old) has BPD.  The traits are so intense he can not live with his girlfriend even though they have been together for over 5 years.  He is researching everything from Schizophrenia, bipolar and getting very confused with all the potential conditions.

The child has refused to go to school for years, is outright rude to authority, makes up stories of people assaulting her, and now in and out of psych hospitals with episodes of self harming by cutting.  She locks herself up in her room all day, not wanting anything to do with anyone including friends her own age.  I have introduced him to the concept of BPD and have read out all the traits on the phone and he answered "yes" to all of them.

Problem is that the child does not engage in therapy, even when admitted to the hospital.  He is desperate to get to the bottom of things as she is only months away from becoming an adult.  Once 18, her mother can not access her medical records unless she gives consent and it is highly likely from her behavior that she wont give this consent.

I have tried to tell my friend to read a book all about BPD and that if a book about it doesn't convince him, then to move onto other reading materials.  Unfortunately he is convinced she has parts of all the other mental illnesses.  I was in this same position with my husband before I was told about BPD as many people on this website also experienced this before diagnosis.

He is not connected to the internet but is a avid reader.  My attempts to get him to buy one of these books has failed.  I know if I buy him a book, delivered to his house, he will then read it.  It may save the child's life if only she knew herself that her behaviors were related to a treatable illness.  It has worked for my husband who is not completely healed but getting there with therapy.   I feel that, knowing what I know about BPD, if I don't do something, anything, it may be life threatening.  Her mother has another daughter half her age that is beginning to show behavioral problems and is also a high risk.

I have many books:

-Stop treading on Eggshells (including the workbook)

-BPD for dummies

-The essential family guide to BPD

-Lost in the Mirror

But what I am most interested in finding out from this particular forum is what book would be most helpful to my friend.  I do not have a lot of money and am digging in deep to get him one book.

I have researched books and see that there is one called:

'Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents:What to Do When Your Teen Has BPD: A Complete Guide for Families' by Blaise A. Aguirre.

Would this be the better book to introduce the concept to my dear and very confused friend?  Or are there other books that would be more relevant?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Highlander  

What a troubling situation, and one so very common with our BPD kids. My best suggestion is to click on the 'Foundation Reading' link on the right hand sidebar. It also includes some awesome videos for adolescents. Would he click a utube link and watch a video? These all are available the as well as linked from this site.

The book that has helped me to most is "Loving Someone with BPD" by Shari Manning, PhD. It applies to all types of relationships so would fit your situation well. For focus on family "Overcoming BPD" by Valarie is like a guidebook. This has  it includes the newest research on the neuroscience that underlies BPD. It is a very hopeful book.

The hardest part for me to accept as a mom of BPDDD28 is she has to choose at this point to participate in treatment. She now has a serious drug abuse problem to deal with along with the mental health issues. She is very low functioning and relies on often unreliable friends to give her day to day support. She waivers between knowing she needs help with her anxiety/panic and depression and thinking she is OK. She does not accept the BPD dx. Over the past several years (the BPD dx came when she was 23) with the help of the tools here and building a support network for myself things are getting better for me. DD is still who she is. I can now let her live in the mess she makes, be there if it is truly life threatening (even if her perceived threat) in a validating way, and love her no matter what. If she is abusive with me, I am out of there. Even if it requires police intervention.

The second hardest part is my dh's defiant refusal to read anything, go to any support groups, or open his mind to new ways of communicating with DD. I think is is overwhelmed after so many years of chaos and shuts down easily. Since she is no longer in our home, things are getting better as well. We are no longer rescuing her.

The limits on family participation is so detrimental to our loved ones with any type of mental illness. They cannot see the distortions in their own reality to seek treatment. I have learned to contact therapists or pdoc's with my side of the story - either in person or on voice mail. I start out by saying I know they cannot share any specific information about my DD and they can listen. DD has given permission to help her with resources of daily living -- housing, food stamps, medicaid, and other paperwork or scheduling issues. The releases can be as limited as the pwBPD will allow.

Validation and personal values based boundaries have been the most helpful skills along with self-care to open myself to the changes needed to integrate slowly the tools.

Hope these referrals for info help you out. I encourage you to come back to our parent board with any updates or questions.

qcr

[jellibeans]

The book by Valerie Porr... .Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder... .I have read many books but this one I go back to over and over again. It is my bible and really has helped me the most.

[Rapt Reader]

I would like to join qcarolr and jellibeans in recommending the book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr. I'd also to recommend the Essential Family Guide by Randi Kreger.

You are a great friend to be so concerned about his daughter and her future that you are willing to purchase a book for him to read like this, Highlander