Does anyone else feel like an onion? I do! I deal with one layer of dysfunction and peel that back and find the next one. Will it ever stop or will I just have to keep peeling the layers back my whole life?
Ugggg this emotional growth stuff is hard! Well probably not as hard as living a disordered life... .
So at some point in my life, I
1. had a bad relationship with FOOD. Ate too much or too little, didn't really appreciate food for what it is (both fuel and a pleasure). Addressed that almost 2 decades ago.
2. Then my own home grown co-dependency started and nurtured by my uBPD mom. Married my uPBD husband. Had to chose between the 2 (husband or mom) and learned tools to deal with mom (let's be honest... .if I could have pacified both, I would have).
3. Husband got abusive enough that I had to learn boundaries and eventually my marriage ended. My codependent tendencies dissolved as I de-enmeshed myself from my husband (is that even a word? Well you know what I mean).
4. Maybe 8 months later, I realized that I had deep seated issues with my 'non' alcoholic father... .and because of it, I found myself attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Addressed that and with it, my draw to emotionally unavailable people began to dissolve.
5. Had a disordered relationship with time throughout my marriage and during the 6 months following the end of my marriage (wasting a lot of time on facebook, messaging, even this site -- sorry). Addressed that. Turned out a lot of it was just being spun out worrying about my husband all the time. Started to be more organized, planning ahead more effectively.
6.
Now I realize that I have such an unhealthy relationship with money. I am better than ok financially but there is definitely something there.
I always thought that I spent more than I made because of lack of self discipline. I don't think that is it. I think there is more there that is unresolved and am getting ready to book more time with a therapist to look at it. I would give pretty much anyone anything. Heck I am on both the uBPDs in my lives mortgages (mom and ex-husband). I gave my ex extra money so that he could buy his home knowing full well that I wouldn't ever get paid back. I just can't seem to stay out of people's home purchases. My brother asked for some money to refinance his high interest debt so he could refi his mortgage and I gave it to him. Its probably the 3rd time I have loaned him money to pay off debt. He always pays it back but it seems odd. I worry about money too. I budget, I think about it all the time.
I just get so tired. Sometimes I just want to relax and not work on myself. Doesn't seem to be an option though.
Internally I am way more at peace than I was 10 yrs ago (night and day -- neurotic and wholly disorganized, to a reasonably balanced person with a successful career and a good mom etc).
There are a lot of areas where we all can have issues: relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, time, money.
One thing I seem to be able to look at each of my friends and most either have an issue with their
time or
money pretty consistently.
Am I onto to something or is this just a bunch of delusional mumbo jumbo? Thoughts?
