Or in another perspective, it's like a three year who impulsively steals a cookie and gets caught. While being scolded, he may say he's sorry, but he really doesn't have the capacity to take responsibility for his actions. He saw the cookie and at three years old he doesn't have the impulse control and executive decision making capacity to deny his desires. His want for the cookie is the same as his need for the cookie. And he does not have the ability to take responsibility for his actions. But he feels great shame at her mother's scolding.
So he'll say he's sorry if he's forced to say it. But inside he's feeling towards his mother is,, "You are mean and abusive, and I hate you!" And he's really only sorry for getting caught or that you are mad. Thus the, "I'm sorry your are mad" responses that so many of us have heard.
I find this an incredible analogy, it matches strongly with what I experienced. So many times I was called 'abusive,' for trying to talk about relationship issues. She said I was 'abusing' her with my words, and tone of voice. And the painful journey to try to get this person to acknowledge my feelings in a situation ... .such a shame that it's more in line with a developmental absence, than willful disregard. However when you are living with a person like this, empathy and patience only goes so far before you're hurting yourself along the way.
