I'm trying to reinitiate the relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After some time being separated from my BPD ex girlfriend, I decided to reinitiate the relationship. We ended things on good terms, and since then I've immersed myself in BPD, and I think I understand much of what transpired in the relationship. I'm not saying I excuse it, but I understand it, and I think she's coming to understand it too. She's in therapy and she's getting healthier. She's been respectful of my boundaries and of me.

When I broached the subject, i sense she's doubtful, which I can understand. It wouldn't be the first recycle. But I felt like it was something I needed to communicate regardless of what she decides.

[mrwigand]

After some time being separated from my BPD ex girlfriend, I decided to reinitiate the relationship. We ended things on good terms, and since then I've immersed myself in BPD, and I think I understand much of what transpired in the relationship. I'm not saying I excuse it, but I understand it, and I think she's coming to understand it too. She's in therapy and she's getting healthier. She's been respectful of my boundaries and of me.

When I broached the subject, i sense she's doubtful, which I can understand. It wouldn't be the first recycle. But I felt like it was something I needed to communicate regardless of what she decides.

[BestVersionOfMe]

After some time being separated from my BPD ex girlfriend, I decided to reinitiate the relationship. We ended things on good terms, and since then I've immersed myself in BPD, and I think I understand much of what transpired in the relationship. I'm not saying I excuse it, but I understand it, and I think she's coming to understand it too. She's in therapy and she's getting healthier. She's been respectful of my boundaries and of me.

When I broached the subject, i sense she's doubtful, which I can understand. It wouldn't be the first recycle. But I felt like it was something I needed to communicate regardless of what she decides.

My thoughts are why would you do this?  Many of us, myself included, are very entwined with lives and children and all kinds of things that give us a great deal more time invested in trying to work it out.  If she was an ex girlfriend, and assuming you can go date other healthy women, why wouldn't you do that?  I do understand there might be some feelings still there but I just can't help but think you have so many other great options out there.

[JRT]

I would expect that he would say that he fell in love with this person and that he invested time int their relationship together

[mrwigand]

Thanks for the responses, guys. I just wanted to give an update. I ultimately decided not to get back together with my ex. I truly do think she's getting healthier step by step, but she's not there yet, and we've recycled several times. I had to remind myself that despite how loving the relationship was at times, at others it was intensely chaotic and hurtful. Also, she still can't quite end an unhealthy relationship with an ex boyfriend (not an affair, but an unhealthy relationship nonetheless), and that would most likely only continually cause problems.

[JRT]

that was a tough decision... .are you ok?

[Hazelrah]

I would expect that he would say that he fell in love with this person and that he invested time int their relationship together

Yes, that's probably a given.  That's why we have all found our way here.  The merit of Best's question might be getting at something deeper... .namely, have we worked on ourselves while being away from our pwBPD?  Have we acknowledged our part in a dysfunctional relationship (no matter the relative level of dysfunction) and are we willing to risk at least the possibility for sliding backwards if we choose to re-engage the other person.

Mrwigand,

I echo JRT's concern--are you okay?  What kind of things did you learn about yourself while you two were apart?  Did any strength gained during that period contribute to your ability to make your recent decision?

[mrwigand]

Thank you all for your support and words of concern. I am doing okay, although I'm still quite emotionally raw.  It's difficult because the space I've had from the relationship and the stability I've regained has almost made it easy to forget how frequently gut wrenching it was to be in the relationship. Instead I just remember the good things. I've to really rely on friends to remind me of how miserable I was, and how the relationship wasn't right for me.

In terms of what I learned... .I think I learned that in general I derive too much personal validation from being in a relationship. Being wanted and being needed so deeply. It's not a pattern, and I don't think lm destined for that, but I obviously think it played a factor in why I stayed and even recycled the relationship several times.