Hi Jack,
Sorry that you are going through this. The questions you ask are ones that all of us here have had.
It's hard for me to let go because of how much I gave of myself. It's just hard for me to accept all of that was for nothing. How do you find a silver lining in a relationship that ended so quickly and abrupty? It shakes you to the core of your being.
My silver lining has been using this shake up to take a long hard look at myself, what attracted me to a pwBPD and what kept me around. The silver lining is a painful lesson.
The thing about BPD and associated mental illnesses is that it seems these people know right where to hurt you. You open up thinking they are not mentally affected and before its too late, you are in too deep.
Yes, it creeps in. At first the mirroring and idealization can cast such a spell on us. This idealization is similar to how a small child idealizes a parent. The rages and flight are the same - the actions of a child.
I hate the illness, I don't hate my ex. She can't help it! I know that! I hate that I fell in love with a vision of her. Her at her best moments was all I ever wanted.
I hate how I let her in and she slowly brought me into her inner hell. I hate how she eroded my self confidence and my self worth. I hate how that illness has twisted her. I hate how BPD gives a person the ability to lack empathy. I hate how I was dumped and abandoned so coldly and abruptly.
Agreed, it is a vicious thing. I completely lost myself in the storm.
I hate how she can go on... .loving life, teacher of the year, and so on... .Leaving me a smoldering mess.
Think about this, do they really love life? You mentioned being brought into her inner-hell. That is her true state even if she puts up one hell of a show for the rest of the world. They hurt us because deep down they are in even more pain than what we feel from their terrible behavior towards us.
It's not fair! I not fair for me, not fair for you guys. We are good, well-adjusted people who have had our own struggles in life. We have overcome adversity, only, just only wanting to have something awesome to share with someone else.
We see our friends, who have relationships that we want. And we ask God, why, why, why? Why can't that be me for once? Why must we always attract or be attracted to these people who wind up being so destructive.
It's not fair at all. I know this feeling so much. As far as the attraction, I think that if you look at your FOO (Family Of Origin) you might find some things in your childhood and past that will shed some light on to why we seem to constantly be surrounded by disordered people.
My ex sits somewhere in Colorado tonight. I refuse to break NC. I wonder, when she is alone, if she is ever, does she even understand how f'ed up she is.
My dBPDex knows she has problems. What she does with that knowledge is up to her. So far she has brief moments of realization about the problems and then goes back to burying it in substance abuse and love addiction. She has at least overcame her tendency to self harm so there is some progress.
One month! I guess it gets better for us. I guess I need to find a way to love myself. It's hard to love yourself when you let yourself get abused so badly.
It does get better. Find again the things that make you feel fulfilled in life and pour yourself into those. It takes some re-wiring but take all the love you were spending on that emotional black hole and redirect it into yourself.
Take care!
