Introduction and Advice Needed

[LeftCoaster]

Hi all,

I just came across this place and I wish I had discovered it sooner. I suspect my ex-wife is uBPD. My ex-MIL, without a doubt, is textbook uBPD (Queen).

My ex and were together for 5 years, married for 3.5, when she left. It was about six weeks after my father died (they were close) and a few weeks before her 40th birthday. One day, she had been acting odd and I looked at her text messages. I saw a text I wasn't supposed to see on her phone and she realized I had seen it. She left that day, filed a week later, and quickly went NC. She made false accusations against me, filed for a temporary restraining order. She dropped RO after six months. Divorce was final about a year and a half later.

Once she left, I was the devil, etc. you know the drill. I'd seen her do that sort of thing with her female friends, but I never thought I would be on the receiving end of it. I have been told this isn't the first time this is happened. (I was her second husband.)

It's been over a year since we've communicated, and that was a very brief face-to-face in the courthouse. I'm still struggling with a lack of closure and I am considering trying to reach out.  Any advice? (":)on't," I'm guessing.)

Oh, and one of my ex-GFs (from prior to my M) recently told me she has been diagnosed BPD. I think I may have a problem.

[JRT]

As I understand it, pwBPD have an overwhelming tendency to reappear at some point since they are really never able to fully detach from a relationship... .most of the ones that I have read about here are within a month or two and some longer (mine has been 4 months and I have not heard from her)... .In my case, I didn't have the stormy day to day relationship that many here report... .mine was free of the drama and raging that seem to be almost fundamental to BPD's... .so it was much to my surprise when she disappeared without a warming, explanation or otherwise. I know what you mean about closure for certain... .'I don't like the shorts you wear' would have been better than this.

Hope you find yours... .

[Ghost733]

Hey there, you're amongst brothers and sisters in arms now.

Start reading about the traits of a codependent enabler and the romantic link between narcissists and people with BPD.  You might find that you fall into one of those categories.  I say that as someone who tends towards romantic relationships with "broken" women.  Be honest with yourself.

DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. BPD relationships follow the same timeline almost to a T.  Guess how many of us have contacted our BPD ex after a while and didn't regret it?  I hear crickets.

"Ah, he doesn't know what my relationship was like with my ex, I'm going to reach out and see how she's doing." Don't you do it, Coaster, don't you freakin' do it, man.  You want closure because you feel like you couldn't save her?  And you're such a capable and attentive man, I'm sure.  Get it through your head that the only way you could have saved her is if you could go back in time and stop whoever touched her or left her stranded as a child.  It's not that it's a game you can't win - it's that it's not even a game to begin with.

[Suzn]

Welcome leftcoaster

Sorry to hear you're still struggling. We've all been there. Any contact at this point may very well cause you more pain and possibly be a set back in your pursuit of closure.

Have you considered working with a T to help you through this? They are very insightful into the relationship dynamics with a partner wBPD that we've all dealt with.

[LeftCoaster]

Start reading about the traits of a codependent enabler and the romantic link between narcissists and people with BPD.  You might find that you fall into one of those categories.  I say that as someone who tends towards romantic relationships with "broken" women.  Be honest with yourself.

Is that on this site? I saw the co-dependent link, can you point me towards the narcissist link?

DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. BPD relationships follow the same timeline almost to a T.

I saw someone write that most pwBPD cycle, but she has shown no sign of cycling and given how she did not interact with her previous XH, I don't think she's likely to cycle with me... .Is there a more defined timeline beyond "most pwBPD make contact at some point?"

 And you're such a capable and attentive man, I'm sure.

I could have been a better H. I was deeply depressed for most of our marriage. (We had a lot of rough external circumstances.)

Have you considered working with a T to help you through this? They are very insightful into the relationship dynamics with a partner wBPD that we've all dealt with.

I've been seeing a T at least once every two weeks since the day she left. At this point, I'm considering switching Ts. I have some other rough areas in my life and my T thinks once those are resolved, I will find it easier to move forward. I don't know.

[Suzn]

Not all pwBPD are the same. It would be impossible to show a time line. If her history shows she runs without looking back I would expect the same. Then again, it's hard to say.

Good to hear you're working with a T. Want to talk about the external circumstances?

You will find a ton of information over to the right of these comments in the lessons section coaster. ~~~>

[LeftCoaster]

Good to hear you're working with a T. Want to talk about the external circumstances?

Lost my job in my field due to the Great Recession after we were engaged, had to take a lousy job out of my field to pay the bills, my father became chronically ill after our M, so we could not leave the area. She switched jobs several times (maybe due to BPD stuff?), one of her grandparents committed suicide on the literal day of our first wedding anniversary, car problems for both of us, she had a couple recurring illnesses, and then my father died, she left, etc. I think that about covers it. Now I'm trying to re-enter my field and haven't had any luck yet.

[Suzn]

You both had some extremely painful events. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. 

How are you handling the depression now? What are you doing to cope? I'm sure all these memories are very difficult. It's all so intertwined. Losing our livelihood is tough and it's good to hear you're out there trying to get back in the game.

[LeftCoaster]

You both had some extremely painful events. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father. 

How are you handling the depression now? What are you doing to cope? I'm sure all these memories are very difficult. It's all so intertwined. Losing our livelihood is tough and it's good to hear you're out there trying to get back in the game.

Thank you. As bad as losing Dad was, I knew I would lose him sooner or later. I never thought I'd lose my W, too.

Depression could be better, could be worse. I've lost about 100 lbs, picked up some new hobbies, started some new creative projects, been volunteering with non-profits... .But I still want so badly to share these with her.

[Hope0807]

Welcome, LeftCoaster.  My short version of advice to your post is: no, don't reach out.  Push through.  It's often the toughest parts of healing.  Our brains are kind of addicted to them the same way others are addicted to drugs.  We must go through this storm, not around it.  There is no and will never be adequate closure when dealing with a personality disorder.  They simply aren't wired for it.  And unfortunately, when we reach out to them, it often emboldens them or gives them an opening for more abuse or pain.  Save yourself and continue to treat yourself well and occupy your mind and body elsewhere.

I, like many here, have learned that continuing to dance with them ALWAYS proves to be painful and sets us back many, many steps.

Good luck and keep posting

[LimboFL]

Hi leftcoaster, I understand where you are and where you have been. My circumstances are similar but different. Two tech start ups, that I worked for, went belly up in the same year. Her mom passed and plenty of little stuff in between. I still paid most of the bills and while not depressed but frustrated. I will spare you the details of the break up and, there is very limited contact but I pick up the last of my stuff soon, so it could die from that point forth. We were together for four years and I miss her deeply and it has been a tough road.

I don't know what I want and even if I did want a return to the relationship I suspect that it isn't an option. With that said, regardless of what the end game might be, the one thing I know is that I have to fix my situation first. I have to keep rebuilding me. It is highly likely that you situation played very heavily in her decision. That it wasn't just her random bad switches going off. Yes, too much turmoil was a trigger but... .

My point is this, until you and I fix our own situations neither one of us going to seem attractive to either the past lover or a new one. The objective is not to fix you for anyone else but rather for you. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't reach out to see how she is but only if you fight the urge to try to fix it before you are fixed. Maybe when you and I are on a more solid footing, we won'the want the return. If we do want to see if there is another chance, then it has to be on our terms, when losing them again is not the end of us.

I just posted on one of my threads that many of we non do bring our own troubles to these relationships. I am not so blinded by bad to ignore some of the things that happened in my life that she had no control over, that would test the endurance of any partner.

Fix you first, keep looking for that job, fight back against your depression and then present her with a new, stronger, more centered man. BP or not if you approach her in a still delicate state, you will not achieve anything. As mentioned, the beauty of this approach is that you will strong and confident, so if it doesn't work out, your new self will find a new love to cherish. Use your desire to show her you can change as your motivation and if she is not interested or you decide you are no longer interested, it won't change the fact that you are that new man.