I told him I loved him... and omg the reply

[kikimo]

Short bio: - I've been struggling the past year with myself and my BF. We are both from abusive childhoods. I have my issues and have flopped between thinking I'm borderline or cptsd. I've flipped flopped with my Bf between thinking he was a narcissist to borderline, but I know he's been diagnosed with something that he keeps a secret.

What happened - He stood me up on Christmas. I sent a text saying it was best we didn't see each other anymore on holidays. (My feelings were very hurt). I didn't hear from him for 3 days. He then text with sincere apologies, etc. I wasn't able to text back right away (was sleeping). Then 5 hrs later he started in about how he was a loser, should have died along time ago, was self destructive but thought he had it under control etc... Anyways, it turned into me building him back up.

He ended up coming over for 2 days, making everything up to me. However, he cried a lot, and I tried not to give advice etc... but be an active listener. He left with a kicking heels attitude. I texted him 2 days later and said thanks for coming etc... He was like, I'm glad you texted, I deleted numbers from my phone. I just kinda laughed it off and said put me back. As the days went by, he got less and less happy. He then got extremely ill mood and started ignoring me.

I sent him a message saying that if he didn't want to talk to me, he needed to let me know so I could move on. (I could tell he was talking to other people by online activity, so I knew I was purposely being ignored)... I know, not the best way to handle it. He replied and said his phone was broke. ( I know it was lie ) A couple of days later he sent a text saying he didn't care and wanted me to start seeing other people... .

Me - Why because you're seeing someone else that you've been talking to online?

BF- No, I figured you didn't want me around and it a kind hurts you don't communicate your feelings. (so he never mentions me calling him out on talking on the lie and it's all my fault)

Me- I care a lot about you, I love you

Bf - I hate myself and have tried to off myself a few times... .big pause... .I almost asked you to marry me, but I realize I trust no one. I hurt like you.

Me- Trust can be earned if you give me a chance

BF - I'm not worthy of your love or trust... .You're a good person and I'm not.

Me- I don't want to see other people, I want to be with you. I didn't think you wanted to be with me.

So after I say that, he tries to cut the conversation off, but I keep talking... .

Okay fast forward a bit and he says he's disappointed in himself, etc... Then I feel I made a big mistake saying that my biggest fear in this was being abandoned, not that he would disappoint me. He says "well it's an issue I've wanted to address"

Now everything is back to normal, or I guess "normal for us"

My brother said that he took me saying "I'll move on" as rejection, and that once he got validation it wasn't rejection, he just tried to cover it up. I thought maybe he started ignoring me because he was embarrassed himself by crying and being intimate and he pushed me away after? I'm thrown at what he said about offing himself.

I feel exposed now... .I feel emotionally naked now, and I'm afraid. I don't understand the conversation at all.

I also see that anytime I say anything about a problem in the relationship, I'm told some sort of issue about dying, self hate, suicide, etc...  I'm worried about this. I'm worried in several ways - Are they threats? real? (no way to tell) Also, now what happens if I do ever want to end this thing (which I don't at this time)

Please don't tell me to toss him - He's a great person when he's not in this state of mind or stage of self hatred.

I just want insight to occurrence at happened? I don't want to repeat this ever again.

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kikimo,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.     Coping with suicidal idealizations and self-loathing from a pwBPD is very tough.

I also see that anytime I say anything about a problem in the relationship, I'm told some sort of issue about dying, self hate, suicide, etc...   I'm worried about this. I'm worried in several ways - Are they threats? real? (no way to tell) Also, now what happens if I do ever want to end this thing (which I don't at this time)

Self-loathing is a common characteristic amongst pwBPD.  It seems that your bf was trying to communicate his inner feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred a few times in your conversation.  Many times for a pwBPD the feeling of being abandoned or rejected reinforces their belief that they are "bad" or an undesirable person.  It is paradoxical, a pwBPD will tend to "sabotage" themselves and almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The self-destruction can be reflecting of a pwBPD's ever changing moods/emotions. Self-destructive acts are usually precipitated by threats of separation or rejection. 

Suicidal idealizations are very tough to cope with.  Has he said anything like this before to you? It is very hard to discern whether it is a threat or not.  One thing is certain, your bf is in a real depressive state. During these depressive states, it is common for pwBPD to talk about how they feel worthless or should not be alive.

From my experience, my bf tended to threatened suicide when we had an argument or when he felt he was "unloved and unwanted." There was a pattern to his "threats."  When suicidal idealization broke the typical pattern of threats, then I became increasingly concerned and took preemptive action. Do you feel that the threats will be carried out?

The avoidance/silent treatment from your bf is indicative of feeling engulfed or overwhelmed.   

Unfortunately,there is no way to really prevent a pwBPD's self-loathing or suicidal idealizations. The only way that will be changed is through your bf seeking help/therapy.  I found that when my bf talks about self-loathing and suicidal idealization, the best thing to do is listen. In the past when I tried to provide advice, he interpreted that as condescending, not being understanding, and criticizing him. Also, using communication tools and validating through these depressive states helps a lot.  Here is an article to look at.  Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

[kikimo]

Thanks so much for the reply. I'm going to read the link you posted here in just a minute.

He has said something along the lines of "should die" each and every time I've pointed out something he did that was wrong. Once he sent me a text intended for another lady in the beginning of our relationship. It was kind of sexually oriented. His response was that it wasn't, and he should have been taken off to pasture along time ago. Then there have been a few more, each time the dying talk escalates to something more drastic... .from should have died by now to trying to off himself.

To make matters worse, he is a "recovering" drug addict. Says he's been using "people" to get high. Also says he feels ashamed of himself around me. He's collecting online friends like someone would collect baseball cards. I suspect that he might meet some of these people in person, but I can't say for sure. While that part isn't too important to me, as I know that's all about seeking validation, etc... It does take time away from me. Sometimes I think he self sabotages or uses these people to create a barrier between us... .like a distancing thing. He seems to spazz out every time we connect on a deeper level, which from what I read is fairly common. Then other times I think he self sabotages because he doesn't think he's worthy of anything or else he gets overwhelmed. He tried to say it was because he was always looking for a "high"... .which ties in with the validation I guess. He can't get high off my love anymore... the lust has played out. Now I see the real him, whereas those new people see the false self.

[waverider]

pwBpd can talk a good line, but they can't walk that line as good.

With new people and interactions they can stay in control and stay in the former stage.

As you become involved they feel pressure to do the latter. They fear failure, that in itself is self reinforcing, so they can freeze up. This triggers the fight or flight mode. Whether it be distancing themselves from the person, the location or even life itself. Running from life itself is a consequence of always being in the now. The past and future are just projections on how they feel now. They see no future or way out.

In short it is a sign of stress rising due to a feeling of pending failure. When faced with these signs it is useful to stop seeking answers, they dont have them. Give them room and reassurances, without making plans. Take the pressure off. Then get on with your own stuff.

If we start to stress over their stress we feed it.

They can't see the light, so step back and make you sure your shadow doesn't add to the problem