Hi christin,
When children are involved, it does seem to make the situation a little more complicated as it plays on not only your emotions but also your emotions towards your own child too. You don't want to seem like the bad guy if the children have a relationship but also you don't want to involve them in something that is basically an adult conflict.
Personally, I don't see you as being bitter at all, if anything you are keeping your boundaries and not allowing yourself to be dragged back in.
When I split with exN/BPDw and went NC, after trying to push the buttons to see which hook would work, she then turned her attention on the children. First by creating a FB page for her d6 and then trying to add my family as friends. Who would reject a child in that way? I was fortunate that nobody took the bait so the next stage was to contact members of my family to say her daughter was really sick, thinking that I would drop everything to rush to her aid.
Here's the thing, that was my step-daughter and I loved her deeply. However, she was being used as a pawn in a game my exN/BPDw was playing to such a degree that if I acted, I was drawn back in, if I didn't then I was the cruel one who didn't care. I had a very long conversation with my T around this, it was the children that kept me in a highly abusive marriage in the first place. I wanted to protect them but as they weren't mine, had no rights to remove them from that environment so I stayed.
My final decision, after all the conversations with my T, was to cut all those ties otherwise the cycle continues and the children would be constantly used as pawns. By cutting ties, I was also protecting the children in a weird sense. We discussed that when her children were old enough, there may very well come a time when they come looking for answers as adults and that's when you are able to set things straight.
How old are the children concerned in your situation? Do they communicate between themselves, such as texts, social media etc... .?
Is there a way for you to establish a connection between the children without being drawn back into the cycle?
Thank u for that ! I have been swimming in guilt over this topic. I have always been a push over when it comes to the kids. My step child is 11 and my daughter is 13 they are one grade apart. They text snap chat Instagram so yes they socially talk plus they attend the same middle school and are in math together. They never talk about the split they just went thru it like it was a day in the life. Weird . My step daughter skipped right begins her mon when she took off in a frenzy. It was very odd to me I just sat in the dark in the living room w my head down . Told my step daughter I loved her she said I love u too. That's how it was done ,
So now today it's not really my desire to stay in this cycle and I believe she is using the child as a pawn because in our r/s the step daughter was used as a pawn w her and the ex husband to keep a very odd abusive r/s going mainly I was the topic even though it was suppose to be about the child. The ex husband and my ex would bash me or he would and shed listen and use it on me at times. Triangulation ! I don't want to do that. I could see myself being her new sound board w some new replacement .
It's not easy w these types . I need to be reassured or helped that I'm moving forward and to be honest ... .My daughter doesn't get it she cried the other day missing her step sister and I felt bad and hugged her. She hasn't shown no emotion except when she was told by me no. She said what's the big deal? It's super hard this type of NC
