Anyone else regret their actions or inactions which led to being split black?

[clydegriffith]

In breifly reading over this, if you had got her the ring, it would only be a matter of time before she would act the same way with something else. The BPDx used to be like that with me. Not to the extremes of a ring, but stuff like oh we need a new kitchen table, we need this we need that. She would be fine for a little while after getting it then start complaining about something else real soon.

[RisingSun]

One of the first things I realized about this disorder is that they're never satisfied for long. This truly hit home for me when, soon after I finished building my xw a cabin in the mountains, she then started to complain about how she wanted to move to CA. I thought after finishing our cabin we could bask in our accomplishment of making a mutual dream come true. But no, she had to come up with a new dream and project herself into a new "happier" future. At that point I knew I was dealing with someone I could never make happy for any length of time.

Believe this, no ring or commitment would satisfy her for long. Bpd's are an embodiment of a blackhole. In this regard they're all the same. You can project that fact onto anything you'd like, ring, home, new car, your love and commitment, etc. It's forever an uphill struggle. If you're wondering if you could have changed the outcome by giving her what she wanted, the most logical answer to the question is, yes you could have prolonged the relationship. Only to end up meeting another inevitable crossroads that would require you to either suspend your needs in trade for her fleeting satisfaction or be beaten down for not giving her what she wanted.

[myself]

The things I did that triggered her (the negatives were in her mind) to be seen by her as reasons she shouldn't be in the r/s included loving her, being her friend, caring about her, and being honest. So, no, I don't have regrets. By the time she painted me black it was a big surprise to me. But towards the end, even the good times were shadowed with knowing the other shoe was going to drop. Even though I was doing everything I could to help that not happen. Don't do the time if you didn't do the crime. Accept Yourself.

[Craydar]

our relationship became, in her words, "very disfunctional". Which of course was my fault

You know, after doing so much for her, and putting all my needs a side, I don't think I can count how many times I heard those same words.

do all these girls have the same mother?

I never met my uxBPDgfs mother. Though I never cared, she was too much of a commitment phobe to let me meet the Michelangelo that created my dear masterpiece. If she was mad at me, she would make it known that if I somehow made it back into her "good graces" she would be willing to see me. what the heck is that crazy ___?

[Deeno02]

our relationship became, in her words, "very disfunctional". Which of course was my fault

You know, after doing so much for her, and putting all my needs a side, I don't think I can count how many times I heard those same words.

do all these girls have the same mother?

I never met my uxBPDgfs mother. Though I never cared, she was too much of a commitment phobe to let me meet the Michelangelo that created my dear masterpiece. If she was mad at me, she would make it known that if I somehow made it back into her "good graces" she would be willing to see me. what the heck is that crazy ___?

My gf and her mother were pure dysfunction, but my gf ended caring for her, putting her in a assisted living home, taking care of her meds etc. I got caught up with my gf of course while gf was under going separation/divorce and got to meet her. Oil and water those two were. Then she passed away and I got caught up in that, funeral arrangements, cleaning out her moms place etc. And yet I still get dumped.

[schwing]

Hi swimjim,

Does anyone else get trapped into thinking they regret any actions or inactions on their own part which led to them being split black by their ex?

I think you feel "trapped" by this thinking because it is easier on the mind to believe that you had some kind of control in a situation, than to accept that you have no control of a situation: i.e., whether or not your ex chooses to split you black.

In my case, I am constantly wondering if I could have avoided being split black had I just followed through with getting her the engagement ring she kept pressuring me for.She starting pressuring me early on  (5 months) into our relationship   and then kept the pressure on until she got tired of waiting and split me black for my ex best friend.

As I think is the case for many others here in these forums, I doubt that if you were to have married her, she would have changed her ways.  Rather, she would find some other reason, some other lightning rod to justify her disordered thoughts and feelings.

You see, it was convenient for her to believe that because you were not willing to marry her, then this was her "evidence" that you intended to leave/abandon her.  And this is why she split you black, because she *needed* to have someone or something external of her own disordered mind, to blame for her disordered feelings.

She seemed so desperate which is why I was reluctant. She had never been married but already had a child and was too old to get pregnant so I could not understand the rush.

She got pregnant by someone else because by getting pregnant (just as by getting married), in her mind, was a way to protect herself from feeling abandoned.  After all, whomever she has a child with, that person is bound to her by this child for the rest of their lives.  And by marrying someone, that person is legally bound to her.  But none of this helps her with her real problem, which is why she has this disordered insecurity/fear to being with. 

It is up to her if she will ever consider that the problem lies within herself, and perhaps begin to recover from her disorder.

I tried to reason with her that I wanted us to grow naturally and enjoy courtship and develop trust. I had been married twice before and just did not want to make another mistake. If she would have just let our relationship grow naturally, it would have happened.

I wouldn't expect her to respond to reason.  After all her fears stem from her disorder and you cannot reason a person out of a mental disorder.

I finally offered her the ring she always wanted from me but it was too late. She had already given up on me and started a smear campaign with my ex best friend and seduced him. Her reaction to me offering her the ring she wanted so bad; calling the police on me and filing a false restraining order that was thrown out in court a few months later. I never spoke to her again nor my ex best friend. She has already broken up with him and moved a new replacement into her home. I feel like such a broken man over this. This experience has lead me to individual counseling. I blame myself constantly and can't seem to find light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

I think it will be hard for you if you continue to blame yourself for her actions and behavior.  Can you not see that it is completely unreasonable for someone to call the police on you because you failed to propose to them in the time in which they want you to propose?  Her smear campaign against is yet again another piece of evidence that she is disordered.

I hope some of what I have written is helpful to you.

I would continue with your individual therapy.  I suspect that some of her disordered behavior resonates with some other deeper psychological wound you sustained in your life.  The difficulty you have in walking away from this is perhaps the difficulty you are having coming to terms with some other past experience of dealing with a disordered person in your life.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Deeno02]

Don't think it would have mattered. I second guess myself all the time. I keep coming back to it wouldn't have made a difference. Not worth it anymore.

[goateeki]

Ehh, i really don't. Looking back on things, if bagging groceries in a way she didn't approve of or using too much soap to do the dishes set her off, it was inevitable that i would be painted black.

To this I can add: (1) making the bed in a non-approved way, (2) folding the laundry, particularly the towels, in the wrong way.  Until I met her, I did not know there was a wrong way to fold towels.

I once made the bed, and it looked great.  She inspected it, did not like the way it was made, unmade and then remade the bed.  As if I were a child to whom she was trying to teach a lesson.  The bed looked exactly the same way when she remade it her way. 

[Tim300]

Does anyone else get trapped into thinking they regret any actions or inactions on their own part which led to them being split black by their ex? In my case, I am constantly wondering if I could have avoided being split black had I just followed through with getting her the engagement ring she kept pressuring me for.She starting pressuring me early on  (5 months) into our relationship   and then kept the pressure on until she got tired of waiting and split me black for my ex best friend. She seemed so desperate which is why I was reluctant. She had never been married but already had a child and was too old to get pregnant so I could not understand the rush. I tried to reason with her that I wanted us to grow naturally and enjoy courtship and develop trust. I had been married twice before and just did not want to make another mistake. If she would have just let our relationship grow naturally, it would have happened. I finally offered her the ring she always wanted from me but it was too late. She had already given up on me and started a smear campaign with my ex best friend and seduced him. Her reaction to me offering her the ring she wanted so bad; calling the police on me and filing a false restraining order that was thrown out in court a few months later. I never spoke to her again nor my ex best friend. She has already broken up with him and moved a new replacement into her home. I feel like such a broken man over this. This experience has lead me to individual counseling. I blame myself constantly and can't seem to find light at the end of the tunnel. Any help would be greatly appreciated.  

First, I admit that I do sometimes think about mistakes I made or might have made.  However, as odd as this sounds, my overriding thought is that I am glad if I made any innocent mistakes that might have helped run things off the tracks.  The best outcome with a pwBPD, in my opinion, is for things to end as soon as possible.  My biggest mistake was to be ignorant about BPD, and to not go to a psychiatrist immediately when I saw her liability, to ask what was going on.

Second, along those lines, have you read the stories here, have you read about BPD, do you realize how bad things would have gotten once you got engaged?  You are entirely right that there was no reason for her to rush for engagement.  She would have rushed you into it and then her mask would have come off with even greater intensity than it did.  You dodged a bullet.  Putting a ring on a pwBPD makes things worse, including, ironically, the fear of abandonment (this was definitely my experience and it corresponds with the nature of the disorder).

And to join in the sarcasm of others, I do regret giving her thousands of dollars, moving for her, commuting a long distance for her, not dumping her when I found out about the massive debts she hid from me, giving my complete unconditional love to her despite her rages that neither of us could completely understand, etc. 

[JRT]

Sure! I gave of my heart, never criticized, was loyal, accommodating, made huge sacrifices, listened to here complain about her son as 75% of all of our communication, took her places, complimented her, treated her like a lady. avoided arguments or things that could possibly lead to them even if I had to eat a little crow... .TOTALLY regret it!

[raisins3142]

Schwing's post covers what I was thinking.

If it wasn't thing A, then thing B would've caused the devaluing later.

Mine was obsessed with strength and masculine strength in a male, to an over the top degree and to a point where the male would have to be callous and totally devoid of emotion.  I would've had to have been a navy seal and also sociopath to please that part of her, but then another part would've made her mad instead.  Incidentally, her younger brother is military spec ops and likely has narcissistic PD, and she has pictures of him everywhere even over her toilet.    And her brother is a serial cheater and total a-hole that she adores.

So, to get to my point, for me reliving the moments that made her devalue me is related to insecurities because me showing any type of weakness is what caused it.  So, it is related to my masculinity.  But she wouldn't know authentic masculinity from a good man if it smacked her in the face.  She should read books and fantasize about her perfect mate because objects in our reality can't be two contradictory things simultaneously.

[raisins3142]

I'm also concerned that I taught her only enough to be a slightly better partner and that my replacement will benefit and she will think more highly of me.  I know, silly thing to worry about.  If I ended things but also set her on a path to healing herself, then I should be happy.  It nags at me oddly that someone else will get a better her because of me while I got a crap sandwich for my troubles.  Human but weak of me.  And a bit of jealousy I suppose.

[Tim300]

I'm also concerned that I taught her only enough to be a slightly better partner and that my replacement will benefit and she will think more highly of me.  I know, silly thing to worry about.  If I ended things but also set her on a path to healing herself, then I should be happy.  It nags at me oddly that someone else will get a better her because of me while I got a crap sandwich for my troubles.  Human but weak of me.  And a bit of jealousy I suppose.

Interesting perspective.  I feel the opposite in my situation.  I feel like she's gained experience in how to be manipulative and pull her BPD stunts, and I spoiled her at the end, so I think she is going to be more manipulative and entitled with the next guy.  Also, my ex seemed to be very traumatized by the whole intimacy thing with me, similar to some relationships that weighed on her before me, so now that she has this failed engagement under her belt I think she's going to be even more pessimistic, paranoid, angry, etc.

[swimjim]

Thank you Schwing. You are always very helpful.

[Gonzalo]

You know the final big bang? We had broken up and sort of patched things up. I was in the living room watching TV, and was finally relaxed enough that I could laugh at a really funny interview. She came storming into the room to tell me that it bothered her to hear me happy, and to ''politely' ask that I watch TV in my room (which wasn't possible for that show because of how devices were arranged). This yanked me out of my good mood, and I got very angry at her having the gall to tell me that I couldn't watch TV in my own living room, we shouted back and forth, and she threw her birthday cake into the sink and told me that it really was over.

So, in the end I was split black for daring to relax and feel OK about how things were going. I suppose I didn't have to get angry about having the rug yanked out from under me, but really I just can't feel too much sadness over it.

[Tim300]

You know the final big bang? We had broken up and sort of patched things up. I was in the living room watching TV, and was finally relaxed enough that I could laugh at a really funny interview. She came storming into the room to tell me that it bothered her to hear me happy, and to ''politely' ask that I watch TV in my room (which wasn't possible for that show because of how devices were arranged). This yanked me out of my good mood, and I got very angry at her having the gall to tell me that I couldn't watch TV in my own living room, we shouted back and forth, and she threw her birthday cake into the sink and told me that it really was over.

So, in the end I was split black for daring to relax and feel OK about how things were going. I suppose I didn't have to get angry about having the rug yanked out from under me, but really I just can't feel too much sadness over it.

Classic BPD.  They just need everyone to have anxiety and unhappiness.