Is this some kind of trick?

[K1313]

Hey everyone.

Back in December I posted looking for advice about my BPD Mom. I had been rebuilding a relationship with my absentee father and was growing weary of her constant negativity towards him in every phone call. Well I did write to her and asked that she please avoid disparaging him to me etc. Honestly, she took it much better than I thought. After a couple days she wrote back and said "I will honor your request." Pretty good, right?

Well... .almost. Since then she's been doing something/a few things that I'm struggling to figure out. I am an editor and my mother loves to write (and is pretty good at it). I once edited a piece for her that was a fantasy piece about killing my father (but also featured some explicit references to sexual acts with her later boyfriends). I felt really weird doing it at the time but I got it over with quickly, got paid for my work, and figured that would be that. But about a week after I sent her the letter, she resent that story and asked me to edit it. I was fuming because it was obviously under the category of disparaging my father and given that I'd already edited that very piece... .But a few hours after she sent it, she wrote back and apologized and told me not to edit it because she realized "it might fall under the category of disparaging." I was fairly impressed that she recognized it. (My husband thinks that this was a calculated manipulation on her part. I'm not sure... .any thoughts?)

In the last 6 weeks or so, she's started mailing&emailing me photos of my dad. Now, I don't have very many of him because she burned the majority of them when I was a kid (and had me help). On the one hand, I'm really glad to be getting some photos of him but on the other hand... .it feels... .suspect. Is it possible that this is a legitimate attempt on her part to make an effort?

I'm having a very hard time discerning her motives here. I'd like to think that this is her trying to make some kind of effort but I also feel like there's more to her actions than meets the eye. I'd really appreciate some feedback. I feel like I'm too close to it all to have an objective opinion on it. I know my husband is deeply skeptical that she's doing this for sincere reasons. He thinks it's some kind of manipulation but... .how? What would be her reasoning (in so far as there is any reasoning going on)?

Tangentially related: I had been on a family share plan with my mother for a couple of years but she kept talking about being strained financially. I offered repeatedly to take over my own line and she always demurred. But once I wrote the email about my dad, she made the same comment again and I offered, again, to take over my own line to which she finally agreed that would be a good idea and "that way your phone calls will be private." Uh... .Creepy. I know what that meant because she's done it to my brother once before (when he was considering reuniting with his ex-wife whom my mother despised - to be fair, his wife hated her too - she checked daily to see how often they talked), upon getting that email, she logged in a looked to see how often my Dad and I talked and for how long.

[Harri]

Hi k1313.

My husband thinks that this was a calculated manipulation on her part. I'm not sure... .any thoughts?

With BPD there is such emotional dysregulation that no matter how it seems to us, IMO their actions rarely have well thought out and deliberate motives.  So with this incident, she probably did mean it 100% when she said "I will honor your request." at the time she said it.  Then, as time when on, her fear (possibly of abandonment), triggered by knowing she did something you asked her to stop doing because it bothered you, kicked in and her emotions drove her to try to test and push your limits not to bother you but due to her own emotional drive (aka her fear). 

When thinking about and discussing the behaviors of a pwBPD, I think we often forget that at the root of all their dysregulation is raw emotion.  When talking about behaviors that are well thought out and with deliberate intent to manipulate and cause harm, IMO we are then talking about another disorder or traits like NPD or ASPD. 

Having said all that, I do not think you should change your request or allow her to keep pushing the limits you set with her.  Intentional or not, emotionally driven or purposely manipulative and sinister, her behavior is at best wildly inappropriate.     I think you are right to question her behavior.  Be ready to remind/set limits again, but in the meantime, treasure the pictures she is sending to you.   

Regarding your family phone plan, I would get my own.