Sister In Law uBPD - I feel helpless

[SadSisterAndAunt]

I am new to BPD, or at least new to researching it and new to looking for help.  My brother's wife, I'm sure, has it, but he is under her control.  I have a friend whose ex wife has severe BPD and NPD, and I witnessed his marriage's unraveling from his side.  Never has "truth is stranger than fiction" rang more true.  I have suspected that my Sister-in-law has BPD (traits, at least), but recently she seems to be behaving more and more toxically.

My 3yo nephew had ear tubes in and adenoids out today.  He has only had 1 ear infection in the last 6 months, but apparently has fluid in his ear regularly.  My brother did not go to the hospital, only SIL and nephew.  She posts on facebook, after the surgery, that he was combative in the recovery room and "stopped breathing". They got him stable and then he was "projectile vomiting."  My daughter has had multiple surgeries, and I've seen the combative wake-up.  Scary, but not necessarily dangerous.  And I KNOW that if he had truly stopped breathing, he would not have been allowed to go home the same day.  But because my brother wasn't there, no one can contradict her.  I'm terrified that she will try to get away with more and more outrageous stuff. 

I'm rambling, but I feel I need to vent.  This isn't the only behavior, just the most recent and destructive.  I believe she's a "Queen": she has few friends, and no truly good friends, has cheated on my brother and then cheated on the cheat with another guy.  She goes to the doctor and creates maladies for herself - she had a preventive double mastectomy at age 25, and now claims that she is a cancer survivor.  She's in remission from not-cancer.  AMAZING.  Now that she's accomplished an unnecessary medical procedure on my nephew, I'm fearful of how far this will go.  I used to think she wasn't intelligent enough to pull off outrageous stunts, but now I realize it isn't about intelligence, it's about manipulation.  And she's a pro at that.

HOW CAN I BE OF BEST HELP TO MY BROTHER AND NEPHEW?  I FEEL SO HELPLESS.

[Kwamina]

Hi SadSisterAndAunt

The situation you describe with your nephew does sound quite concerning indeed. Dealing with someone with a personality disorder isn't easy. How long has your brother been in a relationship with his wife? Would you describe her behavior as 'problematic' from the very start of the relationship or was there a specific turning point?

How would you describe your relationship with your brother? You say that he's under the control of his wife, could you perhaps elaborate on why you feel this way? Have you ever expressed your concerns to your brother about his wife and if you have, how did your brother respond to you?

It's difficult and frustrating feeling like you can't help the people you love. It might help to take a look around at some of the resources on this site. Since you're convinced your brother is under the control of his wife, it might be interesting to read the article we have hear about fear, obligation and guilt:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say that your sister-in-law uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to 'control' your brother?