new here - BPD stepmother and family health crisis

[jeanette78]

Hi all,

I am new to this board. Where to even begin ... .I have long believed that my stepmother (my mother is deceased) has BPD. Mainly because of the way she twists situations around and creates bizarre new versions of the facts, repeatedly "exiles" people from the family, seems to have an intense need to project a certain public image and goes ballistic if it's contradicted. Every family event (weddings especially) somehow become all about her and how somebody has designed the event specifically to spite her. She even maintains a long-standing vendetta against my poor 90+ yr old grandmother (mother's mother) presumably because she felt insecure about my dad staying in touch with her. My dad basically just goes along with her, always has.

Anyway, the siblings are all grown up and married, with some exceptions, have all learned how to cope with the situation, mostly by distancing ourselves as needed, and avoiding the situations that seem to set her off.  Also, she does legitimately seem to have mellowed a bit with age and is a little less reactive than she used to be.

But sadly, my brother has come down with terminal cancer. For reasons to complex to get into here, my stepmother is taking a leading role in his care.

Here's the issue: I went to go visit my brother, who is staying at my stepmother's house for now, and all my stepmother's BPD issues came roaring back. Now  I admit that I had something to do with it - in my distress & anxiety I was trying to give suggestions that weren't well taken (even though I am pretty sure I am right, but I understand that it's not my place to push if people don't want it). Lesson quickly learned, I shut up. But now my BPD stepmother appears to be on the warpath and has decided that I am an evil, interfering person and my brother is much happier now that I'm out of the picture and that I just went out to visit to harass them. Posting crap on facebook and saying god knows what else about me to other people.

I am terrified that she's going to focus her anxiety on making me the scapegoat now.  I also have no idea how to handle this with my brother either. Normally we'd just talk and say "Oh yeah SM is nutso" but now he is literally beholden to her, and the last thing I want to do is cause him more stress and make this situation about me.  I have no idea how to talk to him about this.

I feel confused, humiliated, and like I have no idea what happened.  Which is an oh so familiar feeling ... .

So I guess the question is - how the hell do I navigate this situation, wanting to stay close to my brother, with the BPD parent legitimately playing this huge important role as caretaker to him, but toxic to me? I am terrified that she's going to cut me off from him.

[funfunctional]

Hi Jeanette,

Not sure I have any answers.  So sorry to hear about your brother and cancer.  It sound like you step mom is the closest person your brother has to a "mom" figure or "caretaker" that is still alive?    Your brother needs someone to depend on thru this scary thing happening to him and step mom is willing to care for him & meet his needs.   So I don't think it is really about relationships as much as the role step mom is in right now.

And there always has to be a villian in a BPD drama as apparently caring for someone dying of cancer is not enough.   She is out there "look at me - I am the good guy now - I am taking care of my step son".   BPD people often like to prove to the world how much polar good they are but rarely are they truly and deeply GOOD.   Now she feels a purpose.  As far as bashing you - people think she is a jerk if she is posting negative stuff on facebook or anywhere else.    Ask around.  Those are the posts you unfollow or defriend.

Before Step mom gets too much control I think you have to just focus on visiting your brother.   You don't want contact cut off from him.   Is the a danger to him?  How will she act towards the end of his life as he is at her complete mercy?  Will he move to hospice care?     Once he moves to hospice care you can visit him as much as you want and SHE can't stop you.   I suggest you lay low for a bit.   Drop the disagreements... .don't respond to the bait... .just focus on "how is my brother".   

Not sure if I was helpful but sorry you are in emotional pain and I understand why.