Narcissism/Frustrating lack of resolution or explanation

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex is an uBPD. The last 16 months have been absolutely inexplicable. The interesting thing I wanted to mention. She would always talk about going to therapy, but never did/would. She did however start to take an anti-deperessent and an anti-anxiety medicine. She always had very very high amounts of narcissistic traits. It was actually what I first stumbled on (NPD) that blew my mind about what I was going through. Only through the help of a counselor did I understand the combustible emotional aspect actually made her BPD. All BPD are narcissistic but not all narcissists have BPD traits. Anyways, what was really interesting, is that the medication made her emotionally non existent. But with lack of addressing the underlying cause, what remained after becoming "medicated" was her NPD traits. Infact they became much more pronounced, because the emotions and care were gone. Anyone else experience that?

This all leads me to one thing. In detaching from the wounds I still don't understand the "end game" She used to leach on so tight when she would be out of control and almost left. But for some reason, she stopped towards the end, caring if I was around anymore. It could be the medication numbed her fear of abandonment but we would still get into arguments and discussions when I would simply try to talk about how ways we can both work together to make our relationship better. When this topic would come up, she wouldn't even reply. It's so odd, I feel brainwashed but for the life of me I can't tell you the way ANY of those conversations ended. It's like a blank in my mind. I'm guessing because she had a way of switching gears/topics and avoiding it. But there was NEVER any talk from her about working on anything and the part that still lingers with me, is where in the beginning she would at least lie and tell me all the ways she wanted to do better, towards the end there wasn't even a denial, there was NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

For example it would be something like this.

After making my point for 5 minutes, I'd conclude with "We've been through a lot. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but what Iam is someone willing to work things through because I want us to work, and I want us to be happy. I think we have something special. How do you feel about working on things to make them better? More balanced? etc?

And for the life of me, I can't recall ANYTHING she ever said. It was as if the conversation would end there. It's so messed up isn't it? That above I actually say "well at least she'd lie to me in the past and say she wanted to try" So pathetic, but I guess before she was "medicated" she at least had this seemingly genuine want/desire to do better, to be better and to try hard. I guess for a long time, that hope in those fleeting moments was my courage to continue another day.

But when things got to a point where there not only was NO resolution, but it was as if I was speaking Chinese after a fight when trying to make things better, that's when I gave up.

And when I gave up, here is part II, she doesn't want to let me go. Yet, when I'd say, FINE, I get that, but can we work on us, can we make this better? AGAIN she'd say nothing. And when I would get so frustrated and ask her WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAY/ YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Her only answer ever, was "stop fighting with me, that's what I want."

Good god. THAT WAS THE ENTIRE REASON I BROUGHT UP ALL THE STUFF ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER!


I've given up and I'm moving on, but good god, this dynamic still bugs me a bit. Anyone else experience this maddening level of ... .hell, I don't even know what you'd call it.

[anxiety5]

My ex is an uBPD. The last 16 months have been absolutely inexplicable. The interesting thing I wanted to mention. She would always talk about going to therapy, but never did/would. She did however start to take an anti-deperessent and an anti-anxiety medicine. She always had very very high amounts of narcissistic traits. It was actually what I first stumbled on (NPD) that blew my mind about what I was going through. Only through the help of a counselor did I understand the combustible emotional aspect actually made her BPD. All BPD are narcissistic but not all narcissists have BPD traits. Anyways, what was really interesting, is that the medication made her emotionally non existent. But with lack of addressing the underlying cause, what remained after becoming "medicated" was her NPD traits. Infact they became much more pronounced, because the emotions and care were gone. Anyone else experience that?

This all leads me to one thing. In detaching from the wounds I still don't understand the "end game" She used to leach on so tight when she would be out of control and almost left. But for some reason, she stopped towards the end, caring if I was around anymore. It could be the medication numbed her fear of abandonment but we would still get into arguments and discussions when I would simply try to talk about how ways we can both work together to make our relationship better. When this topic would come up, she wouldn't even reply. It's so odd, I feel brainwashed but for the life of me I can't tell you the way ANY of those conversations ended. It's like a blank in my mind. I'm guessing because she had a way of switching gears/topics and avoiding it. But there was NEVER any talk from her about working on anything and the part that still lingers with me, is where in the beginning she would at least lie and tell me all the ways she wanted to do better, towards the end there wasn't even a denial, there was NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

For example it would be something like this.

After making my point for 5 minutes, I'd conclude with "We've been through a lot. I know I'm not perfect by any means, but what Iam is someone willing to work things through because I want us to work, and I want us to be happy. I think we have something special. How do you feel about working on things to make them better? More balanced? etc?

And for the life of me, I can't recall ANYTHING she ever said. It was as if the conversation would end there. It's so messed up isn't it? That above I actually say "well at least she'd lie to me in the past and say she wanted to try" So pathetic, but I guess before she was "medicated" she at least had this seemingly genuine want/desire to do better, to be better and to try hard. I guess for a long time, that hope in those fleeting moments was my courage to continue another day.

But when things got to a point where there not only was NO resolution, but it was as if I was speaking Chinese after a fight when trying to make things better, that's when I gave up.

And when I gave up, here is part II, she doesn't want to let me go. Yet, when I'd say, FINE, I get that, but can we work on us, can we make this better? AGAIN she'd say nothing. And when I would get so frustrated and ask her WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STAY/ YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Her only answer ever, was "stop fighting with me, that's what I want."

Good god. THAT WAS THE ENTIRE REASON I BROUGHT UP ALL THE STUFF ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER!


I've given up and I'm moving on, but good god, this dynamic still bugs me a bit. Anyone else experience this maddening level of ... .hell, I don't even know what you'd call it.

[Jack2727]

The same thing happened with my relationship.

We constantly fought and it was because she never seemed to or had the capability to compromise or put effort into improving things. It's funny when I think back on the relationship. In the early stages when we didn't fight it was because I was laid back and didn't give any pushback on her demands. I can think of many examples but one comes in mind. We used to go food shopping on Sundays and I remember her controlling what was going to be bought. She didn't ask me what I wanted or appreciated the things I liked. It got to the point sometimes when I would walk out of the supermarket and call my brother and vent. I offered to pay for the food for the week and she would buy what she wanted to eat and give me crap if I wanted anything that I wanted.

My relationship with my ex was all about what she wanted. At first, because the relationship was so new that we didn't argue that much but we would have more and more disagreements.

Towards the end of our relationship, like you, it seemed like she'd had already made up her mind that she wanted to end our relationship. There were two instances in the month or so before we broke up where she was worried that I was going to propose to her.

Let me tell you something, if you are dating a woman and she is worried that you are going to propose to her -- get out!

I wanted to work things out, like you. I had those talks with her on skype towards the end. She would then counter with phrases like "all we talk about now is our relationship" and "I don't want to talk about it anymore" etc. In her mind, our fights were because of me.

She had checked out and was basically plotting her way out.

My ex was narcissistic as well. She had a high opinion of herself and basically had nonbending beliefs of how she wanted things to be. She hated her family because they were extremely dysfunctional. She was very critical of others and it seemed I could never live up to her unrealistic expectations.

We were screwed from the day we met them man! I tried SOO hard to make her happy. I put my hapiness aside and hoped that she would get a clue. You gotta put yourself first. If someone is not meeting you halfway you gotta show them the highway.

[drummerboy]

I think I know what you mean. The last 2 days we were together it was as if my ex was in a trance. She wasn't on any meds but it was almost as if I was talking to an empty chair. She wanted to bu but could not say the words, in the end I said, "you want to break up don't you?" And she hesitatingly sort of nodded her head. It was the most bizzare behaviour I've ever witnessed, She just wasn't there anymore. I later found out that she was entering a long deep depression that lasted about 6 months.

[anxiety5]

It's so odd. I hear you guys.

I remember now, her relationships prior to her marriage (all of which failed) there was an odd overlapping where she could never really explain why exactly they ended. I think she wanted to lull me into one of these periods. This is someone who used to tell me I was the greatest person she ever met. And I legit, did a LOT for her. And now all she can muster to say is "I'm still very attracted to you." And any of the conflict, was her being completely unreasonable and me finally standing up for myself. I gotta get that stuff out of my head though. I wouldn't go as far to say it was all fake, or an illusion. She gave me everything she could. She has no idea how to love someone. Not because I'm a bad guy, but because she simply doesn't know how. It is what it is.