How were you painted black? (If you even know)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I found out more recently the things he painted me black with... .ironically- all projections and all false:

1. I stole from him (truth: never... .although he said I stole a deck of playing cards *eye roll*)

2. I cheated on him (truth: never)

3. I slept with drug dealers (truth: never unless you count him)

4. I blackmailed him (truth: complete opposite)

those are just the ones I am aware of. The only one that I think really p*ssed me off was the blackmail.

[cloudten]

I found out more recently the things he painted me black with... .ironically- all projections and all false:

1. I stole from him (truth: never... .although he said I stole a deck of playing cards *eye roll*)

2. I cheated on him (truth: never)

3. I slept with drug dealers (truth: never unless you count him)

4. I blackmailed him (truth: complete opposite)

those are just the ones I am aware of. The only one that I think really p*ssed me off was the blackmail.

[antonio1213]

I don't know what she said about me after she broke up with me but during our r/s she told her friends these things.

I treated her badly

(she would scream at me for hours over something very small and make me apologize and made me tell her I would treat her better…What the heck?)

I never wanted to go out and I was completely antisocial

(this has a little truth to it. I am more anti social than most people but every time I went out with her it was either her drinking to much or she would make a scene and embarrass me.)

I am broke and never buy her presents or do anything for her anymore.

(I was holding a job, going back to school, saving up for a better car and spending whatever ever money I had left over on small things for us to do.)

I am too depressing to be around

(She had extreme ups and downs. Ups where she was the happiest person in the world and downs where she was so depressed she couldn't get out of bed, and this depression lasted weeks if not months. I am down because of family problems for a couple of days and she says this)

I was a terrible bf to her and left her all alone at my schools campus

(truth is she asked me to get her something from the cafeteria, I couldn't find what she was looking for and spend a couple of minutes looking for it. She comes up to me cussing me out because I didn't answer my phone, which I didn't even know it rang, and told me she left all my school supplies in the middle of the campus and hopes someone steals it. After she said this I just walked away from her grabbed my stuff and walked away to cool down. Also should add that the supplies she left were expensive college books that I had just bought)

God knows what she is saying now that she broke up with me. I try not to even think about it.

[goateeki]

I could write a book on this topic, but the thing that is mindblowing to me is how envious, suspicious and jealous she was.  She would contact, scream at, and intimidate women in the periphery of my life more or less randomly, and it got to the point where I had to severely limit the information I provided about my day-to-day activities (who I was with, etc.) because doing so would expose these people to random contact by a crazy woman.  

There was one particularly bad incident early in our marriage where she lost a friend over a lift that I gave her, leaving the poor young woman in tears.  To this day, I feel bad for her (the young woman to whom I'd given a lift).  This was my dBPDxw's friend, mind you.  More recently, as we (finally) entered MC and revisited the event, she said to me "I have never believed a word you said about it" (the car ride).  

This is delusional thinking.  A fixed false belief.  It's likely that on the day she dies, she will believe that I slept with this young woman.  

More recently, she would pick up our daughter's hair from the car, and say to me, accusingly, "Whose hair is this?"  I would calmly respond "It's our daughter's."

She would check the position of the passenger seat in the car and if she believed it had moved, she would say "Who was in the car?"

She once said to me that I discouraged her from participating in rape counseling.  The reality is that I drove her to and picked her up from rape counseling (escorting her to and from the door of the facility, waiting in the car) and assisted her in proposing a public safety program that could decrease the likelihood of rape.    

After I initiated a divorce, she said to me "I hated you in college and I should have just stayed with that!"  Not only was this 25 years ago, this is from the mouth of a woman who pursued me for years.  

Along the way there were many statements based on this theme "I have never felt anything for you."  

It's really just a shame.  We have two kids, who are now 10 and 7, and I hope that she doesn't do this stuff to them.  Odds are she will.  I can see the early stages of it already.

[Janelleblue]

I was told I'm jealous and wouldn't let him work.  Claimed I was abusive but yelled hit and cheated on me the 9 months we were together and I was pregnant.  I was the most beautiful woman in the world at first.  He left me in a parking lot all day in July while pregnant.  He choked me smothered me trying to crush our baby.  His therapy after his diagnosis has not helped.  I think this is comorbid with psychopathy. 

   His anger towards me kept erupting over ANYTHING!  Because of his size and physical violence I was always afraid. When my baby was 3 weeks old I went for help.  He convinced police I was the abuser.  Luckily all was dismissed.

   I really became black when I educated myself and went no contact

[Infern0]

After we broke up and she said let's be friends and I said let's forget it.

Only stayed black for a few weeks mind you.

The trick is when they split you to get the hell out of there fast and go NC until they come crawling back. If you stay and eat the abuse or worse. ... apologize,  then your finished

[JRT]

Thats the million dollar question in my case, I may never know.

She had a total of 4 romantic interests in her life outside of me (that I know about).

#1-just a bad person... .

#2-the worst that I heard about him is that their rambunctious (at the time 5 year old) son found his way out onto the porch when dad had smoked a little dope and fell asleep once... .didn't like to have sex too much either

#3-controlling... .borrowed money that he never paid her back

#4-me... .I can only imagine but the weak reasons that she left these other relationships really highlights not only what flimsy rationale she has for ending relationships but also how, ostensibly, her family members (and what very few friends she had) are ready to accept such non-evidence as supping rationale for doing so; nothing like enablement!

[wavelife]

The worst thing I did and she always brought it up no matter how many times I said sorry... .I called her "cold" 

She never let go of it and never forgave me for calling her cold, and that I hoped she didn't freeze in her sleep... .

not the nicest thing to say but hey if the shoe fits. 

[cloudten]

OH- I forgot one!

5. I was a prostitute - forgot that one! (LIES ON LIES!)

[cloudten]

The worst thing I did and she always brought it up no matter how many times I said sorry... .I called her "cold" 

She never let go of it and never forgave me for calling her cold, and that I hoped she didn't freeze in her sleep... .

not the nicest thing to say but hey if the shoe fits. 

Hahahahaha... .i recently used cold. it didn't really illicit a response, but it was true.

Yeah... .the jealousy was unreal. The hair thing! Now, I do have to admit, that after 4 affairs from my non xhusband, and then at least 2 from the uBPDxbf, I am very mistrusting. BUT- I give people the benefit of the doubt until I have absolute proof of an affair.  I did accuse the BPD of hair I found in the shower. It was definitely another girl's hair... .and there were not supposed to be any other girls in his shower. But I generally trust people until I have hard proof not to. After the BPD affairs, I knew I could never recover the trust... .especially after learning more about BPD.

[HappyNihilist]

I wasn't painted black by my exBPDbf to anyone else either during the r/s or after the b/u. Mutual coworkers and acquaintances have said that he's never spoken of me in anything but fond, respectful terms.

Now, I'm an extremely private person, so I've never been one to discuss relationships or exes that much with people anyway. And I've never bad-mouthed him to anyone (except just a few very close friends and my mom). If this weren't the case, his behavior post-breakup might be a whole lot different.

However... .during the relationship, I definitely was split black by him when he was triggered. Usually it was along the lines of me being a whore. He once told me about how his dad would often come home drunk and rage at his mother for hours, knocking her around and accusing her of being a whore. I wanted to say, "So you come by it honest, then?"  

[Heldfast]

Lying, controlling, only marrying her because i wanted a trophy wife, couldn't be trusted, manipulative, at the end, it was just whatever she could come up with, 6 weeks after our engagement, and one week before she moved in cross country with another man.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hard to say exactly, but after an intense 9-month engagement... .suddenly I didn't get her... .I liked people, was content with my lot in life, and something else positive that I can't even remember now. Oddly I talked to our pastor at the time a few years later and he told me she never said anything bad about me at all. Some of her friends told me she pretty much said that I was wonderful. One of my good friends talked to her just a few days before and she was saying how wonderful I was. After a few months I reached out a few times and she was either halfway friendly, ignored me for weeks/months, or raged at me. After the last rage she told me that she knew she didn't want me to be the father of her daughter (not my biological), when I "neglected" her at our wedding shower. So, what about the dozens of times that I chased her around the church and watched her and played with her while her mother was getting ready or doing whatever? The only sure thing is that it absolutely makes no sense.

[apollotech]

Guys and Gals,

It's their madness; let them own it. Don't try to steal it from them. It is a total waste of your time to dwell on their BPD behavior(s). A friend sent me a cartoon that says it well: "Not my monkeys, not my circus."

[blackrazor]

I confronted her about what was going on as her behaviour was so inconsistent, the worst thing I said is 'I felt she was distant and pushing me away to avoid being hurt' (before I knew about BPD). She always accused me of saying bad stuff, but would never clarify what it was, probably because I didn't say anything bad. They just find something that is slightly negative and latch onto it and then rationalise this in their head, that it is very bad and because you said it, you must be a bad person.

[letmeout]

Everything that my ex did was projected onto me. He seemed to have convinced himself that I was the one doing everything that he was doing. It was maddening to try to reason with such a delusional person.

[raisins3142]

I have no idea what she said about me post break up, but she began devaluing me after the following occurred in a short time span:

1. I professed my love to her

2. I got upset with her for embarrassing me several times in public by ignoring me in a horrible manner and flirting with other men

3. I turned down a job very distant from my friends and family that would have doubled my salary but put me far from my "base" and required she and I to be long distance for around a year

4. I became emotional in front of her in regards to a family situation

She blamed this devaluation on stress in her life, but once the serious stressors had obviously lifted, there was absolutely 0 change in her demeanor. But she still claimed lesser stressors as the reason.  The real reason is that I became close and wanted more intimacy and also included in this intimacy me being human and expressing my feelings to her.

I think my "strength" in her eyes was totally eroded by me being human.  She would rather have a weak robot.

[hoaianhcameron]

- Controlling, using his money, making him broke... .(truth: the opposite)

- Flirting with men like slut (truth: I'm too busy for that, plus he was the one who had affair, always initiate first)

[JRT]

I was reminded from some of these posts that most of the time, they begin to devalue ahead of the breakup. I don't know if it was because mine was a waif/hermit or if it was for some other reason, but mine began to compliment me and, in fact, tell me about many of the nice things that her family, friends and co workers had to say about me. It was strange since she never really went out of her way to say things like that to me, and here it was a flood of praise! A couple/three days later she moved out while I was away having only lived in my house for three weeks.