When someone you love is in serious trouble

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've mentioned on a few posts already that its felt like I'm watching a slow motion train wreck with BPDgf and over recent days she has aligned herself to a new group of "friends" that I knew from what others were telling me spelled trouble for her.

I've taken a step back this weekend given the antics of Friday and today has been constant phonecalls from her. I spent the day with my kids so didn't respond as I needed this weekend to clear my head.

It was announced on the news tonight about a death in her home town. Apparently during last night, a fight broke out between 6 people and one person died as a result. Her new friends were involved and I know suspected replacement was one of the people arrested. Given what her friends were saying, she was also out with them last night. I dont know if she was arrested too or calling me all day to get her out of trouble but this is serious.

Part of me wants to step in because she knows she's messed up big time. Another part of me feels that whatever happens is a result of her own actions. Right now I'm very lost because this isn't a missed payment on a bill, this is actually something very serious. I dont know the extent of her involvement and quite frankly I dont want to know. I do know she made a comment about suspected replacement needing anger management after starting a fight with a taxi driver and finding it funny.

This might be the wake up call she needs but I honestly dont know what kind of support I can give her right now without being drawn in to this. This is serious and not something I expected to be faced with this weekend.

[Ripped Heart]

I've mentioned on a few posts already that its felt like I'm watching a slow motion train wreck with BPDgf and over recent days she has aligned herself to a new group of "friends" that I knew from what others were telling me spelled trouble for her.

I've taken a step back this weekend given the antics of Friday and today has been constant phonecalls from her. I spent the day with my kids so didn't respond as I needed this weekend to clear my head.

It was announced on the news tonight about a death in her home town. Apparently during last night, a fight broke out between 6 people and one person died as a result. Her new friends were involved and I know suspected replacement was one of the people arrested. Given what her friends were saying, she was also out with them last night. I dont know if she was arrested too or calling me all day to get her out of trouble but this is serious.

Part of me wants to step in because she knows she's messed up big time. Another part of me feels that whatever happens is a result of her own actions. Right now I'm very lost because this isn't a missed payment on a bill, this is actually something very serious. I dont know the extent of her involvement and quite frankly I dont want to know. I do know she made a comment about suspected replacement needing anger management after starting a fight with a taxi driver and finding it funny.

This might be the wake up call she needs but I honestly dont know what kind of support I can give her right now without being drawn in to this. This is serious and not something I expected to be faced with this weekend.

[Seriously?]

Remember: not my monkeys;  not my circus. I understand your need to step in to try to help her. The fact is she is making choices.  All of us do. We all also either reap the positive consequences or negative consequences of our choices.  I am fairly certain you would have sat down to help her make a more positive decision, but she also didn't ask you, right? She's not your monkey and she is not your kid. You don't need to be her ringmaster or her parent. I understand the desire to step in. I just know I could fix things if I could step into husband's drama. I won't do that because it does not help him and it has only damaged me in the past. Talk to her if that feels right to you, but do not try to fix it. There is hurt in the trying. You are in a difficult situation and I feel for you.

[Mutt]

Hi RippedHeart,

I'm sorry to hear that. I think the type of news warrants checking in if you're comfortable with it. I don't think there's a right or wrong here. You can have compassion and boundaries. I'd say something short "I heard news. I hope your OK" Ask once, be careful with rescuing.

[Tim300]

I've mentioned on a few posts already that its felt like I'm watching a slow motion train wreck with BPDgf and over recent days she has aligned herself to a new group of "friends" that I knew from what others were telling me spelled trouble for her.

I've taken a step back this weekend given the antics of Friday and today has been constant phonecalls from her. I spent the day with my kids so didn't respond as I needed this weekend to clear my head.

It was announced on the news tonight about a death in her home town. Apparently during last night, a fight broke out between 6 people and one person died as a result. Her new friends were involved and I know suspected replacement was one of the people arrested. Given what her friends were saying, she was also out with them last night. I dont know if she was arrested too or calling me all day to get her out of trouble but this is serious.

Part of me wants to step in because she knows she's messed up big time. Another part of me feels that whatever happens is a result of her own actions. Right now I'm very lost because this isn't a missed payment on a bill, this is actually something very serious. I dont know the extent of her involvement and quite frankly I dont want to know. I do know she made a comment about suspected replacement needing anger management after starting a fight with a taxi driver and finding it funny.

This might be the wake up call she needs but I honestly dont know what kind of support I can give her right now without being drawn in to this. This is serious and not something I expected to be faced with this weekend.

Whatever you do, don't lose sight of maintaining your own physical safety.  Doesn't sound like a crowd worth getting mixed up in, especially if some other guy thinks you're stepping in on his turf.

[Ripped Heart]

Seriously, I won't be stepping in to fix anything, I can't on this one even if I wanted to, its way beyond my capabilities. I've noticed lately that isn't just the role I put myself in, she also has an expectation that I can fix all of her problems. I've stopped doing that but I still offer suggestions and praise when she tells me about what she managed on her own.

Mutt, I think that's something that is going to wait until tomorrow. I just can't do it right now as I know what follows if I do that right now. If she was any part of it, I dont think I can face talking to her at all right now. However, what you suggest makes more sense.

Tim, its not a crowd I want to get mixed up in but I can see why BPDgf has. She isn't too well liked in her community and that is also a group not well liked either so I guess she feels like she fits in.

I mentioned to T this week that at some point I have to take a step back and let her sink, this might be the incident that tipped the scales on stepping back. I already know this is the first of many issues she has coming up. I know of 2 people that are getting ready to drag her through the courts, including exbf who has the RO. He is able to prove it was her contacting him and he's about to sue her.

This year is going to push her over the edge, I do live her and I want to support her but I also know her lies and actions have caught back up with her and I dont know how best to support her without being dragged in to the drama. In my post yesterday, I spoke about her lies and that's what has me caught right now. I know the problems she has coming up are based on her actions, but I also know she's lied to me about it all and it's difficult to support someone when you can't trust what they are telling you.

[Mutt]

I want to support her but I also know her lies and actions have caught back up with her and I dont know how best to support her without being dragged in to the drama.

Ripped Heart,

An option, stay centered.

If it helps you to send something to check in. Fine. You may not get a response? It may sting.

I think what you're recounting is over the top. I'd personally stay out of it; although it's really hard when it's someone you care about.

She may or may not hit rock bottom. I'm sorry.

[Ripped Heart]

She's gone... .

By that I mean entirely dysregulated right now. Sent her the text today as discussed earlier in the post.

Seems she was taken in for a police interview, news now reports 7 "men" arrested but they are closing in on others who were there too, she is one of them. They have told her not to go too far because they will need to speak to her again.

And whilst this is going on, she decided that day to take drive through the village where her ex lives who she has the RO out against and he's reported her. The police are coming after her for that now but she doesn't know that yet, I was told by her ex. I'm assuming that's what she wants because maybe she is going to use that as her alibi, a slap on the wrists for that is far better than being arrested and charged for the death of someone else. What she hadn't thought out was the times so she is going to get hit with both now.

I'm really struggling with all of this right now but keeping my distance. Her ex also said something very interesting, he asked if I was still on her insurance for the car. He was still on hers last year and after she got caught speeding she tried to say he was the one driving. He's concerned she might try and put me as being outside his house. I can prove it wasn't me as I'm over 70 miles away but now it's just starting to get draining.

In all honesty, I really hope this triggers the breakdown she needs to get herself the help she desperately needs. I sincerely doubt it will and might just cause her to run again but it is tearing me up now to see her go through such self destruction.

[OnceConfused]

Rippedheart:

Don't try to carry the burden of others on your shoulders.

She is where she is, not because of you or anyone else, but solely because of her actions and her choice of actions.

Perhaps it is time to cut the cord so that you can enjoy new things in life, instead of wallowing in the same infested water.  There are so many beautiful others out there waiting for you to discover.

[Tim300]

Perhaps the nicest thing we can do for them is to let them hit rock bottom, let them face the consequences of their actions, give them the possibility to learn.

[Mike-X]

I've mentioned on a few posts already that its felt like I'm watching a slow motion train wreck with BPDgf and over recent days she has aligned herself to a new group of "friends" that I knew from what others were telling me spelled trouble for her.

I've taken a step back this weekend given the antics of Friday and today has been constant phonecalls from her. I spent the day with my kids so didn't respond as I needed this weekend to clear my head.

It was announced on the news tonight about a death in her home town. Apparently during last night, a fight broke out between 6 people and one person died as a result. Her new friends were involved and I know suspected replacement was one of the people arrested. Given what her friends were saying, she was also out with them last night. I dont know if she was arrested too or calling me all day to get her out of trouble but this is serious.

Part of me wants to step in because she knows she's messed up big time. Another part of me feels that whatever happens is a result of her own actions. Right now I'm very lost because this isn't a missed payment on a bill, this is actually something very serious. I dont know the extent of her involvement and quite frankly I dont want to know. I do know she made a comment about suspected replacement needing anger management after starting a fight with a taxi driver and finding it funny.

This might be the wake up call she needs but I honestly dont know what kind of support I can give her right now without being drawn in to this. This is serious and not something I expected to be faced with this weekend.

Wow! I am sorry that you are witnessing all of this and seemingly feeling obligated to get involved.

What do you think that you can do for her? What would the costs be to you? How do you think things would ultimately turn out?

Another exercise to consider: Imagine that a friend came to you seeking advice on this same scenario, what would you say to him?

[eyvindr]

Damn. Hang in there, Ripped.

For me, it's the type of thing that would finally wake me up about the need to get out. There's something pretty telling about the choices that people make, and the lack of insight into how those choices can or will impact people close to them.

[Waddams]

Part of me wants to step in because she knows she's messed up big time.

Sorry if this comes across as a bit blunt and not sensitive enough but... .

Just what exactly can you do if you step in now?  How can you shield her from legal consequences from her involvement?  And what would be the consequences for you if you tried?  She's now in deep ___ and all you can do is jump into the cesspool and get into deep ___ along with her.  You can't pull her out at this point.

It really hurts watching someone deep-six their own life when you care, but you can't stop them if they are really determined to do so.  All you end up doing is banging your head against the wall while watching them dig a little gopher hole and turn it into a strip mining operation. 

[Ripped Heart]

Sorry, I'm still using old terminology. I don't mean step in and take over in that sense because there is nothing I can do. What I previously would have done is find a decent lawyer, probably paid for them too, found a list of all witnesses that could work in her favour and basically done all the leg work so that she didn't have to stress or worry.

Now I mean more step in and support her. But to be perfectly honest, I don't feel like doing that right now. As each day goes by, instead of feeling frustration for the things she keeps doing to herself, I'm actually feeling more detached but then I start to feel guilty in myself for feeling that way.

It really is like when you have children. When my middle child was young and did something wrong, she might get sent to her room. There would be floods of tears and it would be heartbreaking to listen to. I just wanted to forget about what she did wrong and just go give her a hug to tell her everything was ok. It's that same kind of feeling, except BPDgf isn't a child, she's an adult but she still behaves like my d6 did at the time when she was held accountable for her actions and it still feels heartbreaking.

BPDgf sent me a text last night, was completely random just to tell me what she was watching on TV. It was something we would watch together and I knew the text wasn't about that she was watching it, she was trying to get the message over that she hadn't forgotten, was thinking about me and wanted to know I was there. I didn't respond for 3 hours and when I did it was very short and simple. Just don't have it in me any more to keep protecting her from her actions.

[eyvindr]

Ripped --

Sounds like you've turned the corner. You've really begun to see things clearly as they are, with objectivity that isn't overshadowed by your emotions --

It really is like when you have children. When my middle child was young and did something wrong, she might get sent to her room. There would be floods of tears and it would be heartbreaking to listen to. I just wanted to forget about what she did wrong and just go give her a hug to tell her everything was ok. It's that same kind of feeling, except BPDgf isn't a child, she's an adult but she still behaves like my d6 did at the time when she was held accountable for her actions and it still feels heartbreaking.

It is heartbreaking. Because we are able to see how pointless their behavioral patterns are, and know that better choices are possible. But we can't make those choices for them, and they keep making poor choices on their own.

BPDgf sent me a text last night, was completely random just to tell me what she was watching on TV. It was something we would watch together and I knew the text wasn't about that she was watching it, she was trying to get the message over that she hadn't forgotten, was thinking about me and wanted to know I was there. I didn't respond for 3 hours and when I did it was very short and simple. Just don't have it in me any more to keep protecting her from her actions.

Exactly. Given the real-life mess that she's potentially facing, she sends a txt about watching TV? Just silly. I wouldn't have responded either. Hang in there. You're well on your way out of this nightmare and on to a brighter, happier future.

[Targeted]

Ripped Heart,

I'm sorry you are faced with this dilemma, you have given me responses that have helped me a lot and I appreciate it very much, I was torn in half when my ex left me a message that she wanted to talk to me about a issue with her mother that she was very upset over and said she needed to talk to me because I would understand, it killed me to not respond to her, somebody that I care so much about reached out to me but I knew I would just be putting a band-Aid on a problem she is not working on and Only enabling her bad behaviours, and it still made me feel like dirt because I care, it looks like almost the same thing here, just more involved, but keeping it simple we know that helping with a problem that comes from her behaviors and poor decision making is nothing more than enabling, so try not to feel bad about it, I know it's hard because I feel bad too, it sounds to me that The best help you could give her right now would be to remind her that if she was more focused on fixing her problems that lead her into these situations she would not be where she is.

Just my opinion.  Sorry your faced with this.