Intro

[celticweirdness]

Hi, my partner of almost 5yrs has borderline personality disorder and its getting harder not easier to deal with the dramatic mood swings, the arguments and the attention seeking behaviours.

Would love some help and support on how to help deal with her and support us both.

Thanks

Zoe

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Hi celticweirness

You are in the right place.

Couple of questions.

Has your partner been diagnosed and is she accepting of it?

Is she undergoing any form of treatment?

Have you done much research or received any sort of support for yourself?

You are not alone many folks here are dealing with this. You may not be able to fix her but you can protect yourself and make your side of the street more stable. Which hopefully will have a flow on effect.

As you are aware you can only muddle along doing the same old thing for so long before something snaps.

Waverider

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Celticweirness, 

I would like to join Waverider and welcome you.  As Waverider said, you have come to the right place for support and help. 

A large part of helping our people with BPD (pwBPD) is to make sure that we take care of ourselves first. As you probably know, coping with the behavior of a pwBPD can be emotionally draining.  Learning how to take care of our needs is important for improving our relationship.  A way to start that is to check out the lessons on the right side of this page. 

There are valuable tools on this site that help with learning to effectively communicate with your pwBPD. 

Are there specific behaviors that frustrate more than others?

Posting here really does help.  There are many people that have similar situations.  Perhaps you can share more of your story, so we can help you better?

[celticweirdness]

HI, yes she has been diagnosed and seems to accept it but doesnt really read anything about it or care to look into much... .i've tried. A friend told her recently that she needed to cut the self sabotage stuff out and she finally seemed to accept that was what it was and she needs to remember there is no need for it.

tonight she 'supposedly' hit her head on the table in dining room, never heard a thing except her asking for help cos she felt dizzy and couldnt get up, go and assist her, no bump, steadied her when she was 'dizzy' then left her too it... .she tells me she's fine go back to your tv, then comes in crying cos i dont care enough to actually ask how she is and she knows i never know if its real or not but her head really hurts and stormed off.

She sees a psychologist, who i also see separately. But if she gives her anything to work on when not there i never see her do it.

today she got a request for an ultra sound on her elbow and wrist and a referral for steroid shots if needed... .funny cos that is what i am having done next week for bursitis and tendinitis in shoulder.

Its the constant attention seeking, the mood swings, the frequent ailments that only seem real to her, the feeling like i need to walk on egg shells and not say or do anything for fear of her reaction.

What really scares me is that this has happened before and to the extreme and cost us our foster kids and our house at the time cos of her constant hospital visits. We now have a new place to live and a foster son and i wont be loosing him cos of her behaviours.

Our therapist says that i need to ignore her behaviours, not go running when she hurts herself cos i am reinforcing that she gets attention when she is hurt, but then like tonight i went to see if she was ok, decided that if she had bumped her head it wasnt bad and end up with her crying and saying i dont care cos i never asked if she was ok or not so now she has stormed off to bed and i am getting the silent treatment.

Thanks, will work on me and see what that does i guess... .

Thank you for the welcome and for giving me a space to vent and get support.

[waverider]

Ailments for attention is really more a case of seeking validation and support. The misleading thing is they need validation and support for the emotional disorder, but that is not tangible so they project that need onto something more tangible ie physical ailments.

The problem is that other people start addressing the physical ailment, which misses the point and so does not soothe. So they up the need by upping the physical ailments.

To set aside the physical and talk about the emotional, can redirect them back to the real issue. Problem is it is often compounded by the fact that they actually are not open to discussing the real Disorder, as this is too close to heart and their defensive responses are triggered.

This is where you are stuck in the catch 22... Only thing you can do is not get led too far astray by following the red herring that the physical ailments are painting. Sometimes you will simply have to draw a line and be hard ball. Even if that means putting a phone in their hand and telling them to call an ambulance if they feel it is necessary.

Expect EXTINCTION BURSTS when you draw boundary lines