After 8 months met ex BPDbf and had A-ha moment

[RedDove]

I ended it with my ex BPDbf back in June. I discovered first hand his deceit, lies and cheating. I suspected it all along, but not until it was right in front of my face was I willing to see it. I lied to myself. Told myself that he loved me. His life was difficult. Didnt know he suffered from BPD. I "wanted" to beleive all of the excuses he made when he dissappeared. Even referred to him as Houdini! His words "never" matched his actions, it was all smoke and mirrors.

It was a 4 year encounter (nightmare) and this was certainly not the first break up. He broke up with me after the 1st month of dating (idealization phase) after telling me on our 2nd date I was the love of his life. I've since learned he discarded me to recycle an ex. We recycled 2-3 times. I broke up with him 2 of the times due to suspected cheating and my needs not being met.

Its been a long, painful journey these last 8 months since I broke up with him to find myself, work on my co dependency, lonely child, and care taking issues/tendencies. He broke no contact back in Sept on a dating site. Since then has been texting at least 1-2 times per week. The texts increased when he learned through a mutual acquaintance that my Dad was having health issues. He invited me out for a drink back in Dec., but of course never followed through. I debated at the time whether to meet him. Was I strong enough? Was my heart healed enough? Could I be indifferent? I wanted to face him and show him he did not destroy me.

A few weeks ago I almost ran into him at one of my Dad's doctors appointments. Unbenownst to me they have the same eye surgeon. My ex had cataract surgery. Mind you he's only 51! He's had a myriad of health issues from MRSA infections to knee replacement surgeries over the past 4 years. He's not physically healthy (alcoholic) or mentally (BPD) I didn't know until he admitted this to me when I broke up with him back in June.

Two weeks ago he began asking me again to meet him for lunch or a drink. I acted disinterested and my replies where maybe or perhaps. He finally got specific and invited me to lunch. He lives 1/4 mile away from me. On the morning of our lunch meeting he texted could I please pick him up. I said fine and proceeded to pick him up. Mind you I'm on the East Coast and we've been buried in several feet of snow. I picked him up and we had a cordial conversation about the weather, etc. We sat down and he told me the restaurant was always his favorite. He remembers me taking him there when we were together for his birthday and a Valentine's Day.

At first the conversation was just catching up about family, work (I was laid off in May and still out of work), what to order for an appetizer. He then asked if I was still on the dating site. He asked if I had met anyone. I replied with a question, did you? He then launched into stories about so many women & dates that I couldn't keep up! I also did not want to hear about his dates! I excused myself to go to the ladies room. I took a deep breath and when I returned he started to continue a story about a woman he was suppose to have a date with and stay over for New Year's Eve. I interjected and said, oh yeah, funny, well this one guy I dated... .and I proceeded to talk like "And this one time at band camp" Lol! His dating stories were so ridiculous. I'm sure there was some truth in there. But he was likely gauging my reaction to see if I was jealous. I didn't react, just looked him in the eyes and smiled, laughed and nodded. However, when the table turned and I told "my" dating story, well, all of the sudden it was time to leave! 

I drove him home, pulled into his driveway and he was talking about his best friend and all the issues he was having with his girlfriend. I said, sorry to hear, but, I've never met her and barely know your best friend. Before I knew what was happening he put his hand behind my head, pulled me in and kissed me! I was taken by surprise and had "no" intention of kissing him!

It took me a few days to fully process it. But, the thing is, I felt "nothing" when he kissed me. It was like kissing a stranger. No butterflies, no fireworks, no passion or excitement. I'm kinda in shock that I was scared and haunted for so long by the thought of just seeing him! He texted and thanked me for lunch and the "amazing-passionate" kiss and I laughed when I read it! Lol! I'm thinking to myself, ummm, no, didn't feel a thing! I texted back a simple "thanks for lunch, it was good to catch up!" He's been texting several times a day since and it's actually getting to be annoying.

So I had an a-ha moment and at least I now know, especially now that I am aware and educated about BPD and can clearly see his issues. I'm indifferent. He hasn't changed and never will. He was texting me since late Sept with "I miss you"... ."I love you", "I want you", etc. yet at the same time (in the same breath) he was dating a bunch of other women! Oh yeah, I'm the love of his life, like #200! He also texted me New Years Eve... ."wish I was there with you", "I love you". Hmmm... .looking for attention and someone (me) to soothe him because his New Years plans/date didnt work out! As Gomer Pyle would say, surprise, surprise, surprise! Lol! 

[Rifka]

I ended it with my ex BPDbf back in June. I discovered first hand his deceit, lies and cheating. I suspected it all along, but not until it was right in front of my face was I willing to see it. I lied to myself. Told myself that he loved me. His life was difficult. Didnt know he suffered from BPD. I "wanted" to beleive all of the excuses he made when he dissappeared. Even referred to him as Houdini! His words "never" matched his actions, it was all smoke and mirrors.

It was a 4 year encounter (nightmare) and this was certainly not the first break up. He broke up with me after the 1st month of dating (idealization phase) after telling me on our 2nd date I was the love of his life. I've since learned he discarded me to recycle an ex. We recycled 2-3 times. I broke up with him 2 of the times due to suspected cheating and my needs not being met.

Its been a long, painful journey these last 8 months since I broke up with him to find myself, work on my co dependency, lonely child, and care taking issues/tendencies. He broke no contact back in Sept on a dating site. Since then has been texting at least 1-2 times per week. The texts increased when he learned through a mutual acquaintance that my Dad was having health issues. He invited me out for a drink back in Dec., but of course never followed through. I debated at the time whether to meet him. Was I strong enough? Was my heart healed enough? Could I be indifferent? I wanted to face him and show him he did not destroy me.

A few weeks ago I almost ran into him at one of my Dad's doctors appointments. Unbenownst to me they have the same eye surgeon. My ex had cataract surgery. Mind you he's only 51! He's had a myriad of health issues from MRSA infections to knee replacement surgeries over the past 4 years. He's not physically healthy (alcoholic) or mentally (BPD) I didn't know until he admitted this to me when I broke up with him back in June.

Two weeks ago he began asking me again to meet him for lunch or a drink. I acted disinterested and my replies where maybe or perhaps. He finally got specific and invited me to lunch. He lives 1/4 mile away from me. On the morning of our lunch meeting he texted could I please pick him up. I said fine and proceeded to pick him up. Mind you I'm on the East Coast and we've been buried in several feet of snow. I picked him up and we had a cordial conversation about the weather, etc. We sat down and he told me the restaurant was always his favorite. He remembers me taking him there when we were together for his birthday and a Valentine's Day.

At first the conversation was just catching up about family, work (I was laid off in May and still out of work), what to order for an appetizer. He then asked if I was still on the dating site. He asked if I had met anyone. I replied with a question, did you? He then launched into stories about so many women & dates that I couldn't keep up! I also did not want to hear about his dates! I excused myself to go to the ladies room. I took a deep breath and when I returned he started to continue a story about a woman he was suppose to have a date with and stay over for New Year's Eve. I interjected and said, oh yeah, funny, well this one guy I dated... .and I proceeded to talk like "And this one time at band camp" Lol! His dating stories were so ridiculous. I'm sure there was some truth in there. But he was likely gauging my reaction to see if I was jealous. I didn't react, just looked him in the eyes and smiled, laughed and nodded. However, when the table turned and I told "my" dating story, well, all of the sudden it was time to leave! 

I drove him home, pulled into his driveway and he was talking about his best friend and all the issues he was having with his girlfriend. I said, sorry to hear, but, I've never met her and barely know your best friend. Before I knew what was happening he put his hand behind my head, pulled me in and kissed me! I was taken by surprise and had "no" intention of kissing him!

It took me a few days to fully process it. But, the thing is, I felt "nothing" when he kissed me. It was like kissing a stranger. No butterflies, no fireworks, no passion or excitement. I'm kinda in shock that I was scared and haunted for so long by the thought of just seeing him! He texted and thanked me for lunch and the "amazing-passionate" kiss and I laughed when I read it! Lol! I'm thinking to myself, ummm, no, didn't feel a thing! I texted back a simple "thanks for lunch, it was good to catch up!" He's been texting several times a day since and it's actually getting to be annoying.

So I had an a-ha moment and at least I now know, especially now that I am aware and educated about BPD and can clearly see his issues. I'm indifferent. He hasn't changed and never will. He was texting me since late Sept with "I miss you"... ."I love you", "I want you", etc. yet at the same time (in the same breath) he was dating a bunch of other women! Oh yeah, I'm the love of his life, like #200! He also texted me New Years Eve... ."wish I was there with you", "I love you". Hmmm... .looking for attention and someone (me) to soothe him because his New Years plans/date didnt work out! As Gomer Pyle would say, surprise, surprise, surprise! Lol! 

Red dove,

That's amazing! Good for you! you passed the BPD test! You took a big chance by meeting him. I'm so proud of you to have come to the place where you have those answers of what if you ran into him. You know you're good now. Keep going, it's all about you girlfriend. You have empowered yourself.

Rifka

[cloudten]

I agree with Rifka- 

I want to be you when I grow up! That's amazing, simply amazing. I think I would have died of a heart attack in the car on the way there. 

[letmeout]

Its fantastic that you realized he is nothing to you anymore! I would feel the same way if I met my ex, but I refuse to break NC. Mostly because I don't care to hear all of the the crazy stories that come out of his mouth as I know they will.

I simply don't have the patience to hear the BS anymore. I am sure if I met my ex, it would be the exact same experience that you had. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it's very validating to have suspicions, learn about a disorder, make countless connections between the traits of the disorder and our ex's behavior, process all of that, and then communicate with them again and get blatant confirmation.  Good for you Red, you might also feel a sense of closure?  Me, I wouldn't be caught dead in a car with my ex, but kudos to you for doing it, keeping balance, and letting it play out, letting him show you who he is and you see it from a detached place.

[RedDove]

Thanks to everyone for your comments, words of support and kudos!   I could not have made it this far without all of you here at BPD family! I had no one to turn to or talk to during the 4 year ordeal. I kept so many secrets about my relationship from my friends and family. It felt awful to feel and be so alone in the encounter with him. I do feel I'm one of the lucky ones to have found BPD family after I ended my r/s=encounter. I never would have understood what happened to me and why.

Yes, I hesitated to pick him up for lunch. However, he's the quiet waif type. During the 4 years together he never got physically abusive with me and only raged at me twice. I never felt physically threatened, only emotionally.

I do feel I finally have closure. I see through the idealization and his manipulation. I truly wish the same for everyone who is still struggling! Especially after sitting there for 3 hours and hearing him tell his ridiculous dating stories! The stories were insane and I'm sure embellished! Three of the dates sounded like they had BPD! I didn't say a word about it. He cancelled a date with one of the women at the last minute on New Years Eve! Guess he cancels important days/event with everyone! Lol! Apparently the woman had been to his house for dinner=meaning sex! He said she showed up at his house after he texted to cancel on her. He lives with his older sister and her 40 year old son. He wasnt home and his sister was freaked out. She told him to get home and deal with the crazy woman at her door! Lol! I hope one day he winds up with the bunny boiler (Fatal Attraction) and finally wakes up and seeks therapy.

I'm doing some reading and research here today to determine how to best communicate to him that I want no further contact. He hasn't texted yet today, but he usually starts texting after dinner and a few drinks! Last time he was with the replacement. All I had to do is text that I did not wish to be in contact with him any longer. I hoped he got help (therapy) and wished him well. Not sure if the same approach will work again now.

Happy Gal-entines Day! I have my evening all planned out with some sushi take out, Skinny Girl Margarita, a treat from my favorite bakery, movies (comedies) on DVD, and I treated myself to a beautiful scarf! We are getting another bad snow storm, however, it will be a nice Valentines Day indeed!