She asked me about my cat.

[jjclark]

Sounds silly, I know.

I work with her sometimes, she is casual staff where I am permanently employed.  Somehow she picked up more shifts post break-up then she ever did before, or at least it feels that way.

We stick to small talk, usually she is quick to spill her beans about her little life and all I have to do is listen and acknowledge.  Tonight she asked me some questions, this doesn't usually happen.  She asked me how I was doing, what was new.  I can handle these.  But then she asked me about the cat, "How's your cat?".  It felt like she was the Kool-Aid pitcher crashing through my own wall.  

I am ok, but I feel like this was too close for comfort.  She told me it had been a long time since we had talked and that she would like it if we could get together sometime. It's likely that she is single, or struggling with her relationship.  I feel like she is taking me for an idiot, a large part of me wants to be nice to her as I somewhat understand she is not well.  I have grown so use to the small talk that maybe I had manage to depersonalize most of it and saw it as robotic.  Maybe that question about the cat made it more human.  I don't know.

I would like to be able to have a normal conversation with her again without feeling this way.  I do care about her, I never really stopped.  However I made great efforts to not involve myself in her stories and I would not want to be involved in hers.

It's strange because if it was anyone else I would have absolutely zero qualms with letting them know I am not ok with discussing personal matters.

[jhkbuzz]

Sounds silly, I know.

I work with her sometimes, she is casual staff where I am permanently employed.  Somehow she picked up more shifts post break-up then she ever did before, or at least it feels that way.

We stick to small talk, usually she is quick to spill her beans about her little life and all I have to do is listen and acknowledge.  Tonight she asked me some questions, this doesn't usually happen.  She asked me how I was doing, what was new.  I can handle these.  But then she asked me about the cat, "How's your cat?".  It felt like she was the Kool-Aid pitcher crashing through my own wall.  

I am ok, but I feel like this was too close for comfort.  She told me it had been a long time since we had talked and that she would like it if we could get together sometime. It's likely that she is single, or struggling with her relationship.  I feel like she is taking me for an idiot, a large part of me wants to be nice to her as I somewhat understand she is not well.  I have grown so use to the small talk that maybe I had manage to depersonalize most of it and saw it as robotic.  Maybe that question about the cat made it more human.  I don't know.

I would like to be able to have a normal conversation with her again without feeling this way.  I do care about her, I never really stopped.  However I made great efforts to not involve myself in her stories and I would not want to be involved in hers.

It's strange because if it was anyone else I would have absolutely zero qualms with letting them know I am not ok with discussing personal matters.

I think that no one can really tell you how to handle this since you work with her, but this is what I see:

You still have feelings for her.  You are aware of this and keeping things in check.

You're trying to figure out what your boundaries are - and for some reason, the question about the cat crossed a boundary for you.  Maybe because the cat was a very real reminder of the life you shared together, but I'm not sure.

If I were you, I would spend some time figuring out why that conversation was a trigger for you. I think that if you figure out (very clearly) what your boundaries are, that will give you clarity - and peace - even when you have to interact with her.

[jjclark]

Thank you for this.

It was certainly a reminder that I need to think things through some more, I still have work to do. 

I think the conversation brought me back to a time when we were together and things were not well yet I was trying to pretend I was fine with everything.  Sitting in my chair today, I was trying to pretend I was fine with everything that was happening again.  What was triggering was feeling like she was try to show concern for me and my life, when again her actions would reflect otherwise. It is that juxtaposition that is triggering for me.  Something about it makes me feel sick, and I know she doesn't do this to harm.  This is her way of surviving.

When it comes to this particular relationship, I struggle. I cannot think of any of my life events that has rummaged through me this much and not being able to figure it out has been difficult to come to terms with.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for this.

It was certainly a reminder that I need to think things through some more, I still have work to do.  

I think the conversation brought me back to a time when we were together and things were not well yet I was trying to pretend I was fine with everything.  Sitting in my chair today, I was trying to pretend I was fine with everything that was happening again.  What was triggering was feeling like she was try to show concern for me and my life, when again her actions would reflect otherwise. It is that juxtaposition that is triggering for me.  Something about it makes me feel sick... .

YES.  I understand this completely. How did her "actions reflect otherwise" - can you share?

... .and I know she doesn't do this to harm.  This is her way of surviving.

This is very kind of you, but it sounds like she has harmed you, and that you need to protect yourself. As well you should.

When it comes to this particular relationship, I struggle. I cannot think of any of my life events that has rummaged through me this much and not being able to figure it out has been difficult to come to terms with.

My T tells me (in terms of my r/s) that there are connecting "threads" that lead backwards - probably into childhood - that need to be traced back and examined.  They may not even be big, huge, problematic issues - they just need to be addressed.  Sounds like that might be the case for you as well?