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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: He's ready to call it quits  (Read 472 times)
Daywalker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: March 01, 2015, 03:32:16 AM »

My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for ten years. He was diagnosed around our 10th anniversary, about the same time he decided to call it quits the first time. I was driving truck, when he called to tell me he didn't love me anymore. I didn't really react because I figured by the time I got back home, he would be in a different/better mood and everything would be fine. Well it didn't work that way. He was serious. When I got back home he had his ex girlfriend living in our home (she was married at te time) with her three children. I was heartbroken. After just a couple months, she moved out. Turns out that she was just looking to make her husband jealous and wanted him to see she could have a life without him. My husband ( boyfriend at the time ) was devastated and ended up trying to take his own life. After a very rocky year or so we were back together and talking about marriage. Flash forward to the present. He has caught me in some small lies. Told only to protect his stress levels. Money REALLY stresses him. So sometime when I can't pay a bill, I don't till I have the money. He has found out about some of those situations and now I have lost my job. So according to him, I am a selfish b___ who cares about no one but my self. I try to explain to him that the lies are only to protect him, he sees it as that I don't value him as a partner. That I do whatever I want whenever I want regardless of how he feels. He's crazy suspicious of everything I do. Always thinks I'm hiding something from him. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I feel so miserable sometimes that I feel as though my happiness should count for something. Talking to him is impossible. He always finds hidden meaning or motives in the things I say. He thinks I do things to deliberately piss him off, which I would never do. I don't like when he's mad, sometimes I'm afraid of what he might do. He also has bipolar disorder, so my life is one big roller coaster ride. I have done lots of research over the years but have never sought out the help of a support group, because you know, I don't need help, I can handle all by my self. But here I am, so I guess I really can't. How do I effectively communicate with him? He says he doesn't trust me. Should I move out and give him some space?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

lbjnltx
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
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we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2015, 10:03:20 AM »

Hello Daywalker 

Welcome to the site. 

The situation you describe is a familiar one to the members here... .the push-pull-push-pull.

Your happiness does count for a lot.  If you aren't coping well then you won't be able to cope well with others.  Make sense?

Have you read much about the thoughts and feelings that are common to pwBPD (people with BPD)?  Do you believe your husband has traits of the disorder in addition to bi polar? 

Whether he does or not there are tools to learn to help you and for you to better help him.

The information on the right of the page is key to understanding him, how to support him and how to help self.

Have you read any of them yet?  Did any questions come up in your mind while you were reading?

lbj
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Daywalker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2015, 11:47:25 AM »

I have read a lot of the information. I know my husband has BPD, he more than exhibits traits. He is extremely moody. Nothing is ever his fault. He has a huge fear of abandonment, but yet pushes me away. He is very verbally abusive. I used to counter attack him all the time, but he expressed to me that made feel worse about himself and asked me not to call him names anymore. I asked the same of him. Difference? I stopped! For over 3 or 4 years I have avoided the counter attacks but he is still promising to try to stop. I think I could handle just the bipolar part, but this BPD is killing me. The mood swings are so rapid. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a wind turbine or something. I can't process the information that's coming at me fast enough. I get confused because he keeps screaming at me wanting answers. Then somehow ofcourse I respond incorrectly and he takes what I said and twists it all up.

TYIA,

Daywalker
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2015, 01:28:21 PM »

I can't process the information that's coming at me fast enough. I get confused because he keeps screaming at me wanting answers. Then somehow of course I respond incorrectly and he takes what I said and twists it all up.

This is very difficult to deal with. I have done some really stupid stuff because of my husband's determination to get me to do something or say something. One of the things that I am working really hard on is boundaries and validation. Neither are that easy to implement.

I have gotten to a point where I try not to respond in the moment. In the moment, it seems like there is no right answer. It is overwhelming to try to have a conversation with somebody when they take over the conversation or bombard you with so much stuff at once that you can't think straight. All I can recommend is read, read, read and try to get as many tools as you can through this site and any other source that you can find. It might take some trial and error before figuring things out.

Also, a good question to ask yourself when trying to assess the situation and implement the tools that you learn on this site is: "Am I in any physical danger?" If your partner is prone to physical violence towards you, then you will need to be very careful and possibly seek local assistance to help you come up with a safety plan to protect yourself.

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Daywalker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2015, 02:59:14 PM »

He's never hit me. He just likes to invade my personal space and scream at me and intimidate me.
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vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2015, 03:15:53 PM »

He's never hit me. He just likes to invade my personal space and scream at me and intimidate me.

Do you think he ever would hit you? I know that is a difficult question to think about.

There is a link on the side in the Lessons here about Surviving confrontation and disrespect: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

The goal is to set boundaries to keep him from invading your space and screaming at you.

Here is something on boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

How do you think he would react if you got up and walked away and went to another room or left when he is screaming at you? I know it is difficult to think of these things. I know that it seems easier to sit there and let them rage and invade your space. Don't do it. Don't allow yourself to be abused in that manner. Those types of behaviors are abuse.
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Daywalker

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2015, 06:10:27 PM »

I don't think he would hit me. He doesn't like physical abuse as he was physically abused as a child. And I know how he would react if I tried leaving the room while he was screaming at me. He would either stop me by physically restraining me or would say things to me that would make me not leave, like threatening to end the relationship. He never sees what he does wrong. Never takes responsibility for his actions. The delusions he has of who I am and the things I do are so out of this world. And when ever I try to explain what I meant or what I ACTUALLY said, he tells me how impossible I am to talk to. Lately he has been talking to some women online who is from new zeeland. He talks to her about what is going on between is and it kind of pisses me off. I try to tell him how I feel, but he thinks I haut don't want him to have friends. That's not the case, this women has no idea who he is, they've never met. She only knows what he tells her. And he locked the computer so I can't see what they talk about. Which of course I don't like either. Promiscuity is a trait that he has shown before, I know she's far away, but I feel as tho he's having an emotional affair which he thinks is ridiculous.
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2015, 07:30:19 PM »

I don't think he would hit me. He doesn't like physical abuse as he was physically abused as a child. And I know how he would react if I tried leaving the room while he was screaming at me. He would either stop me by physically restraining me or would say things to me that would make me not leave, like threatening to end the relationship.

You really need to set some boundaries.

What do you mean by physically restrain you? Does he grab you by the arm or does he block your way? That is NOT okay.

If he is threatening to end the relationships if you walk out, that is purely a manipulation tactic. This is a hard question to ponder. Do you feel like your relationship is more valuable than your mental and physical safety? Screaming at you and physically restraining you IS abusive. My husband used to make threats and innuendos about suicide. He used to also talk about ending the relationship. I got him to stop the suicide talk when I told him that if did it one more time, I was going to call the police and have him committed because I wasn't going to stand by and listen to that. When he would try to manipulate me with threatening to end the relationship, I told him to go ahead and started talking about what it would take to make it happen. When you do set boundaries and call their bluff and insist that he treat you better, it might even get worse for a while. That is why it is so important to equip yourself with as much knowledge about BPD as you can. And, make sure you read all about the different communication techniques.

Excerpt
And when ever I try to explain what I meant or what I ACTUALLY said, he tells me how impossible I am to talk to.

You trying to explain yourself is known as JADEing. You can read about JADE in the communication stuff on this site. JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain. I used to do it all of the time. I thought that if I just explained it a little better, he would understand. If I defended myself or justified myself just so, then he might get it. The truth is that he isn't going to get it and all you are doing when you try to explain yourself is adding fuel to the fire. There is a good chance that he is going to get mad no matter what you say. It is better to validate whatever it is he is feeling that is valid and not say much else. I still struggle with that. When you JADE, it is giving them more words to twist and contort and blow out of proportion.

Excerpt
Lately he has been talking to some women online who is from new zeeland. He talks to her about what is going on between is and it kind of pisses me off. I try to tell him how I feel, but he thinks I haut don't want him to have friends. That's not the case, this women has no idea who he is, they've never met. She only knows what he tells her. And he locked the computer so I can't see what they talk about. Which of course I don't like either. Promiscuity is a trait that he has shown before, I know she's far away, but I feel as tho he's having an emotional affair which he thinks is ridiculous.

You have every right to be angry no matter what he says. My husband and I experimented with an open relationship for a while and he would get online and talk to all of these women. I got into his stuff and found out that he was telling some woman horrible things about me that did not resemble anything close to reality. The thing is that he is going to deny that he is having an emotional affair. He is going to deny that he is doing anything wrong. My husband used to get mad at me when I would question him about his pornography use. He had progressed to preferring porn and self pleasure over being with me. I was dismissed completely. There have been lots of times when I have had concerns about things only to be dismissed. My husband has finally (after 16 years) admitted to being a sex addict and is in a 12 step program. What you are describing is very common for people with BPD and addictions. It is their way of protecting themselves.
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