More questions. (Will they ever stop?)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've started seeing a therapist, am coming up to my third session now. I'd never had reason to see one before but I genuinely thought I was going insane and that I was the one with BPD after the breakup. As you might've guessed, the therapist told me this was not the case and tentatively diagnosed my ex as a passive-aggressive NPD first and foremost, with hints of quiet BPD. Great. . .

He's a great therapist, and I'm definitely going to carry on because if I was in any way "subconsciously", as my ex used to say, responsible for the pain I'm going through now then I need to know what it is so nothing like this can ever happen again. The thing is, I still lapse into moments of self-doubt and because I never got closure, it feels like I will never ultimately know what happened in the relationship and that the possibility of me finding out somewhere down the line that he was not the problem, he "just wasn't interested" is always going to be there haunting me like some spectre.

So I'll have days where I'm feeling calm and going about my business. . .and all of a sudden questions will start firing about in my mind, and then I find myself in that quandary where I'm starting to see more red flags in his past behaviour while at the same time wondering if they really are red flags, or if I'm just weak and incredibly thirsty for validation. Anyone been in that boat too?

Anyway, here are the questions.

1. Did your BPD ex have the tendency to look a gift horse in the mouth? Or be uneasy when presented with something free (not a birthday or Christmas present, something "just because" or surprises? The thing is, I can definitely relate to not enjoying surprise parties because I always feel like I can't socialise with everyone equally when there are so many guests around. But he always brings up another incident where one of his doctors offered him an old road bike that he wasn't using anymore. . .and it seemed like he wanted to accept it and still thinks about it to this day, but he never went back to the doctor and he never got that bike. When I was moving I gave him a keyboard that I know we both loved (it was too heavy to take with me) and he actually broke down and cried because he was so touched. . .and then a couple of hours later awkwardly offered me money for it. I was pretty insulted to be honest.

I did notice that when it came to being treated to meals he would have no problems with stuffing himself and eating as much as he can muster. Not sure why.

2. Do they actually know that it's a fear of abandonment that's causing them to act this way? I've read some posts and essays from recovering BPDs who readily acknowledge that they leave their partners before their partners have a chance to leave them, whether this fear is justified or not. But mine just did an 180 degree turn in 24 hours and was so indifferent and hateful in the end, he actually behaved as though he couldn't even be arsed enough to feel anything to me or even respect me enough to explain anything. Simply put, the ease and randomness with which he just chucked this relationship aside (literally out of nowhere, when things were at the best they'd been) makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to believe that he even gave a ___ that I might abandon him, regardless of what the therapist or any of my friends (whom I've driven to the brink of their patience) say. Or that someone can be so afraid of losing at a situation he'd rather MAKE SURE he lost. Maybe this is the nature of the disease but I can't know for sure if that's really it, or if I just don't inspire "enough" for him to love, which was what he said about his exes.

He's also a master at contradicting himself (often within the same hour) and then falling into long silences when asked about it so that doesn't help me either. Sometimes he seems self-aware and sometimes he doesn't. Our last conversation began with him weeping and saying, "I always carry so much fear in me, all throughout my life. I'm so afraid I might not handle the pain of us not working out because I want it so much to work out". . .and ended with a very calm, "Actually, I don't think it's fear after all. I think it's that other thing -- I just don't feel enough for you. Sorry." 

Please bear with me. I've had better days but I'm just a little upset now. It's his birthday this week -- we had a very nice time together last year where I threw him a little party with just the two of us, so that's been causing me to spiral a bit. It's irrational, but I'm actually afraid of being painted even further black because I'm on NC and have no intention of contacting him to wish him. And somehow I know that even though we're both aware that he has no business expecting anything from me after the way he's ended things he's going to be so resentful that I didn't.

[redvelvetc]

I've started seeing a therapist, am coming up to my third session now. I'd never had reason to see one before but I genuinely thought I was going insane and that I was the one with BPD after the breakup. As you might've guessed, the therapist told me this was not the case and tentatively diagnosed my ex as a passive-aggressive NPD first and foremost, with hints of quiet BPD. Great. . .

He's a great therapist, and I'm definitely going to carry on because if I was in any way "subconsciously", as my ex used to say, responsible for the pain I'm going through now then I need to know what it is so nothing like this can ever happen again. The thing is, I still lapse into moments of self-doubt and because I never got closure, it feels like I will never ultimately know what happened in the relationship and that the possibility of me finding out somewhere down the line that he was not the problem, he "just wasn't interested" is always going to be there haunting me like some spectre.

So I'll have days where I'm feeling calm and going about my business. . .and all of a sudden questions will start firing about in my mind, and then I find myself in that quandary where I'm starting to see more red flags in his past behaviour while at the same time wondering if they really are red flags, or if I'm just weak and incredibly thirsty for validation. Anyone been in that boat too?

Anyway, here are the questions.

1. Did your BPD ex have the tendency to look a gift horse in the mouth? Or be uneasy when presented with something free (not a birthday or Christmas present, something "just because" or surprises? The thing is, I can definitely relate to not enjoying surprise parties because I always feel like I can't socialise with everyone equally when there are so many guests around. But he always brings up another incident where one of his doctors offered him an old road bike that he wasn't using anymore. . .and it seemed like he wanted to accept it and still thinks about it to this day, but he never went back to the doctor and he never got that bike. When I was moving I gave him a keyboard that I know we both loved (it was too heavy to take with me) and he actually broke down and cried because he was so touched. . .and then a couple of hours later awkwardly offered me money for it. I was pretty insulted to be honest.

I did notice that when it came to being treated to meals he would have no problems with stuffing himself and eating as much as he can muster. Not sure why.

2. Do they actually know that it's a fear of abandonment that's causing them to act this way? I've read some posts and essays from recovering BPDs who readily acknowledge that they leave their partners before their partners have a chance to leave them, whether this fear is justified or not. But mine just did an 180 degree turn in 24 hours and was so indifferent and hateful in the end, he actually behaved as though he couldn't even be arsed enough to feel anything to me or even respect me enough to explain anything. Simply put, the ease and randomness with which he just chucked this relationship aside (literally out of nowhere, when things were at the best they'd been) makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to believe that he even gave a ___ that I might abandon him, regardless of what the therapist or any of my friends (whom I've driven to the brink of their patience) say. Or that someone can be so afraid of losing at a situation he'd rather MAKE SURE he lost. Maybe this is the nature of the disease but I can't know for sure if that's really it, or if I just don't inspire "enough" for him to love, which was what he said about his exes.

He's also a master at contradicting himself (often within the same hour) and then falling into long silences when asked about it so that doesn't help me either. Sometimes he seems self-aware and sometimes he doesn't. Our last conversation began with him weeping and saying, "I always carry so much fear in me, all throughout my life. I'm so afraid I might not handle the pain of us not working out because I want it so much to work out". . .and ended with a very calm, "Actually, I don't think it's fear after all. I think it's that other thing -- I just don't feel enough for you. Sorry." 

Please bear with me. I've had better days but I'm just a little upset now. It's his birthday this week -- we had a very nice time together last year where I threw him a little party with just the two of us, so that's been causing me to spiral a bit. It's irrational, but I'm actually afraid of being painted even further black because I'm on NC and have no intention of contacting him to wish him. And somehow I know that even though we're both aware that he has no business expecting anything from me after the way he's ended things he's going to be so resentful that I didn't.

[Invictus01]

2. Do they actually know that it's a fear of abandonment that's causing them to act this way? I've read some posts and essays from recovering BPDs who readily acknowledge that they leave their partners before their partners have a chance to leave them, whether this fear is justified or not. But mine just did an 180 degree turn in 24 hours and was so indifferent and hateful in the end, he actually behaved as though he couldn't even be arsed enough to feel anything to me or even respect me enough to explain anything. Simply put, the ease and randomness with which he just chucked this relationship aside (literally out of nowhere, when things were at the best they'd been) makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to believe that he even gave a that I might abandon him, regardless of what the therapist or any of my friends (whom I've driven to the brink of their patience) say. Or that someone can be so afraid of losing at a situation he'd rather MAKE SURE he lost. Maybe this is the nature of the disease but I can't know for sure if that's really it, or if I just don't inspire "enough" for him to love, which was what he said about his exes.

From what I understand, once they split you black, it is like flipping a switch for them. That's what happened with me. We had our normal text exchange Monday evening, come Tuesday she was distant. NO idea what happened. That's why non BPDs just about go insane because it is impossible to reconcile what you are seeing... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

Please bear with me. I've had better days but I'm just a little upset now. It's his birthday this week -- we had a very nice time together last year where I threw him a little party with just the two of us, so that's been causing me to spiral a bit. It's irrational, but I'm actually afraid of being painted even further black because I'm on NC and have no intention of contacting him to wish him. And somehow I know that even though we're both aware that he has no business expecting anything from me after the way he's ended things he's going to be so resentful that I didn't.

I haven't spoken to my ex since last August on my birthday, on the phone. She sent a birthday card, inserted a typed note into it and said she was ending our relationship. After 9.5 years. We were a lesbian couple; she decided she was going to be straight again, not that she didn't love me, that we'd never work out, that our relationship was awful. (Her previously married for 10 yrs, 2 kids, 46 and a Therapist herself.) When I called she didn't pick up and on her voicemail I let her know exactly what I thought of her.

Her birthday was two weeks later. I did not call, did not text, did not send an email or a birthday card. I am sure she noticed. And I am very sure that over this time THAT is the main reason she hasn't gotten in touch beyond her hang up calls. I can assure you she is PISSED even now that I ignored her on her birthday. After all, in her mind, even tho she had cheated on me, found my replacement, lied to me, and totally disrespected me, she still sent me a card and acknowledged MY birthday.

Don't be surprised if ur ex gets pissed too. Even if he intellectually knows you won't and shouldn't it will still hurt his feelings deep down, and he may resent you for it. Just my experience.

[JRT]

2. Do they actually know that it's a fear of abandonment that's causing them to act this way? I've read some posts and essays from recovering BPDs who readily acknowledge that they leave their partners before their partners have a chance to leave them, whether this fear is justified or not. But mine just did an 180 degree turn in 24 hours and was so indifferent and hateful in the end, he actually behaved as though he couldn't even be arsed enough to feel anything to me or even respect me enough to explain anything. Simply put, the ease and randomness with which he just chucked this relationship aside (literally out of nowhere, when things were at the best they'd been) makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to believe that he even gave a that I might abandon him, regardless of what the therapist or any of my friends (whom I've driven to the brink of their patience) say. Or that someone can be so afraid of losing at a situation he'd rather MAKE SURE he lost. Maybe this is the nature of the disease but I can't know for sure if that's really it, or if I just don't inspire "enough" for him to love, which was what he said about his exes.

From what I understand, once they split you black, it is like flipping a switch for them. That's what happened with me. We had our normal text exchange Monday evening, come Tuesday she was distant. NO idea what happened. That's why non BPDs just about go insane because it is impossible to reconcile what you are seeing... .

This happened to me as well.

We were engaged. Only 3 weeks prior, she had moved in and we were planning our wedding. She was also making plans for bonfire and other events at our house. Everything was quite normal. I went out of town for work and received this text, "our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't try to contact me". She blocked me from contact in every imaginable way including social media where not only did she block me, she unfriended all of my friends and successfully convinced all of her friends and family to do the same-every last one of them.

I had attempted to contact her via email accounts that I had forgotten about or from hotel phones while traveling a couple of times. This was met with threats from an attorney to seek a PPO and a call from the cops. This was 5 months ago and I have not heard from her since. He overall demeanor reminds me of someone that is so fearful and so filled with rage (and there was NEVER any such behavior from her) that its almost as if contact from me is tantamount to a physical threat of harm to her.

This all after more than 2 years in a loving and caring environment. So yeah: just like a light switch.

[Keysmiami]

Wow, The same thing with me. It went from " I cant wait to be in your arms" and "We have a strong foundation to build upon to ' I can't do this anymore" I can't be in a relationship" Upon a return from a business trip. I saw her Monday morning we had great sex and spent the whole day together and went for a walk with her little six year old in the snow. I looked at her and said ' This is nice" as we were holding her daughters hand. The kid always wanted me to carry her and I picked her up from school everyday. I loved both of them with all my heart. The next day she blew me off didn't answer my text to see what was happening that day. Two unanswered phone calls. I talked to her that night and she was cold and distant. Gone and thrown in the trash with no empathy for me or how it is affecting her daughter. I can't hold onto to someone who has no regard for me whatsoever. she brought me to my knees and now I have to make my way back.

[Loosestrife]

Well done for going to T! I think the questions keep coming as you unravel the roll coaster ride that you didn't realise had lasted so long until you got off it and shared your experience with nonBPDs. I really struggled with switching on and off behaviour, it hurt me a lot. Now I'm trying to regain some consistency in my life.