Rock bottom

[CloseToFreedom]

So, I've reached rock bottom, I guess.

For people that haven't followed my story, was in a highly toxic relationship for 4,5 years where we've recycled close to 10 times. I don't really want to label my exgf as she is undiagnosed and I have my own set of problems that Im now working through in therapy. Dont know what is wrong with me yet though, I swing between thinking my ex had BPD and myself having BPD, and often thinking maybe im just heavily codependant. At any rate the relationship and the dissolve of it has left me into pieces, especially as we were living together the past year.

Im 12 weeks out now and ive tried to be strong. Kept going to work, seeing friends. Unfortunately my ex has some of the same friends as me which ensures i bump into her at parties and at the pub. She also had a replacement after a month or so, which kinda helps and hurts at the same time. Helps because it ensures we are not getting back together, hurts because im so used to the recycling that Im missing it.

I say ive reached rock bottom because since this week I am unable to keep up the act of everything being fine. Im on my second week of anti depressives, Brintellix 10 mlg, but they dont help me as much as I would like to as of yet. Therapy is still in the early stages. And am unable to go to work since this week. Although i have my own home, im temporaly back at my parents house the last couple of days to get some peace of mind and to ensure I at least get a decent meal in my belly. I spend the day aleeping, waking up, smoking, thinking, dreaming and not doing anything constructive, making me feel trapped, imprisoned in my own thoughts. Thankfully work is very understanding and I have been given time to get myself together. How Im going to do that I dont know, i hope therapy and the anti depressives will start helping.

Let this be a lesson for anyone involved with a BPD or in a toxic relationship: stop the magical thinking. Get out before your entire identity has eroded and there's nothing left of you. I truly dont know how to get out of this depression and I wish I didnt fall for the countless recycles. I couldve been cured by now.

Thank you for reading.

[Restored2]

Hi CloseToFreedom.  Thanks for sharing your story.  You sound like you have gone through a lot, so give yourself credit where it is due.  Fortunately, you have some supportive family and friends along with a very understanding employer.  As difficult as it may sound, forcing yourself to go back to work could be the best recipe for you to get out of the rut that you are in.  Work can be therapeutic in forcing our thoughts and emotions elsewhere.   

[Recooperating]

Hi Closetofreedom,

I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. These rs and break ups are devestating and the aftermath is gut wrenching.

I can relate to your process, I was at a similar point as you are now. I too went in denial for the first weeks, pretending to be fine and ok. Its the denial stage of the 5 stages of grief... .I too went to my parents house (im 34!) and my parents made sure I would eat. I would take long walks every day with my dad and the dogs and sleep for the rest of the day. Sadness hit me... .I felt terrible! Its a normal process closetofreedom. You've entered the sadness stage. And instead of seeing it negative, try to see it possitive! Its progress! Sit with the grief, cry, feel bad... .Embrace it, accept it, work through it. It will pass too. Anti depressant may take the edge off, but you'll still feel what you feel. They wont make you happy go lucky. Which is a good thing.

Some words of encouragement: about 3 months out I got to the anger stage. Full blown anger inside of me. A lot better (for me) then the sadness, it was empowering. I kicked the crap out of my ex in my mind every day, called him names in my head, etc. 6 months out I am now working towards acceptance. Somedays I feel sad for a while, I get angry too, but basically because he keeps harassing me. I was a mess, just like you. But I am so much better now. It really just takes time. My boss unfortunately wasnt that understanding and I lost my job. Oh well... .

I too have wondered if I was the BPD one, i asked my other exes, talked to my T and I really wasnt. But... .I did have my issues, codep. and I am working through those.

Im really sorry you feel like crap closetofreedom, it really really sucks. Just give it time, its a slow process, baby steps, but you will get through this!

Take good care of yourself, find hobbies, meet with friends even if you dont feel like it. Excersize, go for a walk, sleep and rest and eat healthy!

Sending you strenght and hugs!  

[apple2]

[ I spend the day aleeping, waking up, smoking, thinking, dreaming and not doing anything constructive, making me feel trapped, imprisoned in my own thoughts. Thankfully work is very understanding and I have been given time to get myself together. How Im going to do that I dont know, i hope therapy and the anti depressives will start helping.

Let this be a lesson for anyone involved with a BPD or in a toxic relationship: stop the magical thinking. Get out before your entire identity has eroded and there's nothing left of you. I truly dont know how to get out of this depression and I wish I didnt fall for the countless recycles. I couldve been cured by now.

Thank you for reading.[/quote]
Hi Close to freedom,

we talked with each other before.

I finished my vocation, met my old friends and felt detached and recharged. Just at the best moment, he began to recycle me and draw me back into the emotional prison again.

I think the only way is trying to find something to do, even urge I myself. Never use one minute to think about the whole story is the right choice. The magical thinking just drives me crazy. And I can not get any conclusion.

Let's do our best to have a cheerful life. 

[christin5433]

Keep trying to help urself I pray daily if you have any spiritual beliefs. I believe that it helps me to move forward in my journey, it heals me and gives me hope. I have too such hard days I feel like I don't want to go out , I feel like I've been used, I feel I'm too damaged, I feel raw.

But I get up pray on my knees to my father and ask for help. I'm not religious but I need to try to be in faith rather than fear.

Fear is suffocating it feeds off your despair and makes you a victim .

I hope you keep trying to see some beauty in your life I'm trying everyday.

Go to a book store and get yourself a couple daily meditation books to read and center yourself in your day with positive thoughts.

I wish this on no one I get it. It's been a struggle to feel this sh$t !

I am feeling better at 2 months post b/u I'm not on anti depressants. I know I made a choice to stay with her knowing there was a abuse towards me. I let her blame me for all.

Now I have to learn how to move through and out of this mess I let myself be in.

[Restored2]

Hi Christina5433 and CloseToFreedom.  Prayer is powerful in connecting us to God who gives us healing and hope.  One does not need to be religious to do this either.  Faith is the answer over fear. 

[FlyingAway]

CloseToFreedom, I feel for you, and am glad to hear that you have the support of your employer and your family. I lost my job last year when I was going through the very early stages of grief, resulting from my xBPD's cheating and then dismissing herself from my life. At that time I also started meditating.

It has changed my life, along with therapy. There's still a whole lot of pain there, but meditation has helped me, through practice (which is why it's called practice) to see thoughts and feelings come into my mind, observe them, and then let them go. It's a practice of non-attachment, resulting in peacefulness and equanimity (things are not good or bad, they just are).

It doesn't happen overnight, but you will see results relatively soon after starting to meditate. You can find all sorts of information about in on the internet. If you're interested, there is also a sub-forum for meditation on reddit.com.

I wish you the best. Since you're at rock-bottom, things can only look up from here.

[raisins3142]

Sorry to hear you are in a rough patch.

If it were me, I would avoid the pub/friend circles where you run into her.

If you are depressed, then pubs might not be a great venue.

If your friends understand, then perhaps they can give you the heads up for when she will be around, etc.

Although it takes time and is harder in your circumstance, there is the possibility of expanding your social circle so that it does not overlap with your ex very much.

My ex lives 45 minutes away but has a good friend that lives 4 blocks from me.  If my ex comes to my town, then she is usually with this friend and the friend drives.  For a while, if I were thinking of going out, I would see if my ex's car was at this friend's house.  If so, I stayed home or went somewhere I knew they would not be at.  I was limiting my behaviors and kinda doing a sneaky drive by, but it was worth it because I really did not want to be near her.

[BadKitty]

I have been going through a rough time too but I am still in the leaving stages and it has been really bad. I am still living with my BPDexbf. The more he rages, the more frightened I get and the worse it makes his rage.

I am glad you are getting help. I have not made it that far. I do need help but I am not sure how I will afford it now that I am spending so much to move out.

Try to stay strong.

[christin5433]

I have been going through a rough time too but I am still in the leaving stages and it has been really bad. I am still living with my BPDexbf. The more he rages, the more frightened I get and the worse it makes his rage.

I am glad you are getting help. I have not made it that far. I do need help but I am not sure how I will afford it now that I am spending so much to move out.

Try to stay strong.

I think there comes a time you can't live in constant fear of someone I was the same way towards the end if she even walked in the room and didn't show me things were ok I was in fear of her mean vindictive personality . I don't have that anymore 2 months away I find myself in peace. I miss the good times for sure but living in terror and having them blame you for everything is living in someone eles mental problems . I'd let her know all the time if you want to get along I'm all for it. She didn't. She could find a million reasons why she didn't want to get along. It was always something about me. The thing is its between thier ears the problem. I went through the most INSANE b/u during the holidays. I just let her run her show. I got to see her BPD at its finest. Went through the fear the terror and all her trying to prove I was bad w others.  It was the hardest cruelest thing I've ever experienced and I've had experience . This disorder takes good people and hurts them because they hurt. It would take them to work on themselves to see the damage they do. But if untreated you will be there blame.

[BadKitty]

This disorder takes good people and hurts them because they hurt.

This is exactly true.

With my BPDexbf, everything he is feeling about himself is projected on to me. If he feels that he is being selfish, I am selfish. If he is feeling guilty about something, he will make up something that I should be guilty about. If he is depressed, he tells me how crazy I am for all the times in the past I was depressed and stayed in bed longer than I should have... .and so on.

It has taken me a long time to realize this. Now I know finally know what he is feeling, when he is feeling it because I am being told that is how I am feeling (even though I am not). It's confusing.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for the support and kind words folks. This board truly helps.

I went back home (as in, my own home instead of my parents) yesterday and went out with some friends last night. I actually had great fun, dancing, even dancing against and talking with some girls. Nothing serious, just getting my mind off things. My ex was there as well of course, with her new boyfriend, but they were pretty boring the entire evening, just sitting there. She looked bored. Maybe things with the replacement aren't all that what she expected it to be.

At any rate, because I had a lot of fun, I got home at 4 am and was very excited. I tried to get to sleep but it took FOUR hours (at 8 am) to get asleep. My mind was racing, with good feelings, stuff I wanted to do the coming days, the feeling of accepteance and the feeling of yes, I am able to live without her. It was a tremendous boost to feel this way. Don't know if the anti depressives had anything to do with it (almost on the two week mark now).

Funny thing though, as me and my ex recycled each other close to 10 times, there were also some guys in the pub last night that she spend time with whenever we were seperated. They all came to me, and started talking to me about the situation. Telling me they felt for me, they said that I should go easy on myself, that they knew how manipulative she is, that they felt sorry for me when I announced I would start living together with her last year. Maybe there's some bitterness from them thrown in there, but they seemed genuine. Keep in mind, some of these guys used to be my friends before this relationship destroyed everything. I know its kinda wrong, but it feels good to be validated through this. It made me feel less crazy.

Of course, what comes up must come down, so today was a bit more 'laid back'. I can't say I feel as down as earlier this week though. Somewhere between how I felt then, and how I felt last night. Its progress I guess, I hope. I am not planning to go back to my parents house in the upcoming days, as I have nothing to do there and feel kind of trapped, the days just blur into each other there. Instead I am making a plan to do stuff in the upcoming days, taking small steps. Again, I'm lucky that work is giving me the time to do this. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go to the city to do some shopping, treat myself. Buy a few games and blu-rays, some books. Maybe the day after I can invite some friends. Maybe try to go to the gym again finally in the evenings.

I have until Thursday, then I will visit my T again and we'll talk about where to go from there, regarding the depression, the meds and work. I think I need some more time before I go back to work though. I need to feel like my old self again first. Small steps.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for the support and kind words folks. This board truly helps.

I went back home (as in, my own home instead of my parents) yesterday and went out with some friends last night. I actually had great fun, dancing, even dancing against and talking with some girls. Nothing serious, just getting my mind off things. My ex was there as well of course, with her new boyfriend, but they were pretty boring the entire evening, just sitting there. She looked bored. Maybe things with the replacement aren't all that what she expected it to be.

At any rate, because I had a lot of fun, I got home at 4 am and was very excited. I tried to get to sleep but it took FOUR hours (at 8 am) to get asleep. My mind was racing, with good feelings, stuff I wanted to do the coming days, the feeling of accepteance and the feeling of yes, I am able to live without her. It was a tremendous boost to feel this way. Don't know if the anti depressives had anything to do with it (almost on the two week mark now).

Funny thing though, as me and my ex recycled each other close to 10 times, there were also some guys in the pub last night that she spend time with whenever we were seperated. They all came to me, and started talking to me about the situation. Telling me they felt for me, they said that I should go easy on myself, that they knew how manipulative she is, that they felt sorry for me when I announced I would start living together with her last year. Maybe there's some bitterness from them thrown in there, but they seemed genuine. Keep in mind, some of these guys used to be my friends before this relationship destroyed everything. I know its kinda wrong, but it feels good to be validated through this. It made me feel less crazy.

Of course, what comes up must come down, so today was a bit more 'laid back'. I can't say I feel as down as earlier this week though. Somewhere between how I felt then, and how I felt last night. Its progress I guess, I hope. I am not planning to go back to my parents house in the upcoming days, as I have nothing to do there and feel kind of trapped, the days just blur into each other there. Instead I am making a plan to do stuff in the upcoming days, taking small steps. Again, I'm lucky that work is giving me the time to do this. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go to the city to do some shopping, treat myself. Buy a few games and blu-rays, some books. Maybe the day after I can invite some friends. Maybe try to go to the gym again finally in the evenings.

I have until Thursday, then I will visit my T again and we'll talk about where to go from there, regarding the depression, the meds and work. I think I need some more time before I go back to work though. I need to feel like my old self again first. Small steps.

I think we all underestimate how much power there is in getting up, getting out, and doing something to distract ourselves!  I had this exact same experience - going out when I TOTALLY didn't feel like it - and then feeling soo much better for having done it.  It's confirmation that life is good and it will definitely go on.  Good for you!

[Recooperating]

  good for you! Remember this night when you feel sad! It will empower you! Glad to hear you had so much fun!

[Restored2]

CloseToFreedom: You're welcome.  Glad to be of any help.  These boards are incredibly helpful with all of the supportive people attached that are able to provide good advice.  Continue to take small steps upwards and forwards... .

[CloseToFreedom]

One disadvantage (a side effect of the anti depressives I think) is that my sleep rhythm is all screwed up. I couldn't sleep for the life of me last night, was awake until 10 am, then finally got some shut eye until 3 pm. Hope to correct the pattern this night.