Dancing with a pwBPD?

[maxsterling]

Has anyone had issues dancing with a pwBPD?  We are trying to take dance lessons from a private instructor, and also as part of a group class from the same instructor.  The idea is to learn to dance a first dance for our wedding.

So far, the process has been mostly miserable.  First off, neither of us have much background dancing.   I'm doing all I can to pay attention, learn, and practice. 

But here are the issues as I see them:

1) She seems to refuse to let me lead. 

2) She wants to know every detail of the dance before we even try.  Rather than let me lead, she wants to know every step, and yet she can't remember what was mapped out for us.

3) She compares herself to others in the class, thinks we are worse, and rather than want to practice and get better, just gets a negative attitude and blames me for everything.

4) She's very aggressive.  When I dance with one of the instructors, he/she will move on his/her own, touching me but maintaining his/her own balance and not grabbing on.  My wife will grab on tightly to my hands and body, making dancing very difficult.

Anyone else tried dancing with a pwBPD with poor results?  This whole process feels like it pretty much illustrates the relationship as a whole. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eyvindr]

Hi maxsterling --

This may be more about a difference in learning styles, than about BPD, necessarily. I don't know.

Really, I thought your story was sweet. I admire you for trying to do this. I had to opt for a different dance partner in the end. Good luck to you.

[Turkish]

What do you see the issues are, of control, or anxiety? How can you validate either one, or both?

Yes, I had issues as well.

[formflier]

 

Max,

Get you dance instructor to offer suggestions... .so it comes from instructor... .and not you.

You are just following instructions.

I did dance lessons for a while.  It went ok.  It was her idea... I think it was supposed to make us closer.  I don't think it was "our thing"... .certainly wasn't mine... .  Not that I hated it... .

[Grey Kitty]

Funny... .My wife and I took our first dance lessons right before we got married... .over 20 years ago. Enjoyed it enough to take a second class. Took a bunch of lessons for years after that. We both really liked it! Haven't danced in a while. My wife's BPD behaviors weren't very bad at the time; she is a lot higher functioning than your wife sounds... .

When I think about how we danced at our wedding, I feel awkward and embarrassed. We've both become much better dancers since!

My wife was philosophically opposed to me being the lead... .but accepted that it was the way partner dance works. It kinda helped that I wouldn't let her back-lead me at all. Partly 'cuz I wasn't able, and partly 'cuz I knew it wasn't the way to dance by then.

Anyhow... .our normal r/s pattern was my wife in the dominant, deciding role, and me in the following role. Experiencing the opposite on the dance floor was good for us.

I wish some of this was helpful for you... .but I'm afraid little of it will be.

[Grey Kitty]

One suggestion for you... .from many dance classes... .most of them have you rotate partners, although you sometimes get a chance to stay out of the rotation.

DO THE ROTATION.

It will do both of you good to dance with a variety of partners, some better, some worse. You will find women who are worse than your wife and better. [Well I hope she isn't THAT bad that she is the worst in the class!] She will find the same.

If she doesn't like the idea... .suggest that you practice together after class.